Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

Short Title: CarClassicCruizers

From: pcman (fuckoffspammers@iprimus.com.au)
Subject: Re: Deck the mills with carbs by Holley.. 
Newsgroups: aus.cars
Date: 2003-12-22 12:29:21 PST 

'Twas The Night Before The Cruizers X-Mas

'Twas the night before "The Cruizers" X-Mas, and all through the shop
Not a creature was stirring, all work just had stopped
The tools were all hung on the peg board with care
In hopes that "The Cruizer" soon would be there

The cars were all parked safely covered in the garage
My Shelby, My GTO, and even my Hemi Dodge
My wife in her robe and I in my Batman P.J.'s
Had just settled down after X-Mas shopping for days

When out on the driveway there arose such a clatter!
It sounded to me just like pressure plate chatter
On to the driveway I flew like the Flash
I tripped over the dog and landed in the trash

When there in the driveway beneath the Moon and the Stars
Sat a 55 Chevy gasser with chrome ladder bars
As I walked up closer to get a better view
I noticed a Blown Big Block and cheater slicks too

There behind the wheel sat a driver so tuff
With Tattoos, an earring, and beard oh so ruff
Dressed in Black leather he looked like a Bruizer
I knew right away he must have been "The Cruizer"

"I pulled second, I pulled third, then I heard a big Bang,
Things started to smoke, things started to clang!"
"I spotted your big garage with hopes of repair"
His back seat was full of presents but I tried not to stare

"If you can fix my 55 and make it shift right
I will give you these gifts for ruining your night"
We opened the door and pushed the 55 in
Before I got underneath, he gave me a wink and a grin

The headers were hot, the slicks they were sticky
That blow-proof bell housing would make the job tricky
I turned on my droplight and gave it a look
The big 3 inch exhaust was making me cook

When there to my surprise what did I see?
The four tranny bolts had wiggled themselves free
I grabbed my torque wrench and started to turn
As I tightened the last one I could smell my sleeves burn

He slid behind the wheel and fired up that mill
As I directed him out listening to it idle had gave me a chill
A Blown 454 with two 850's up top
Chrome reverse rims and a 2 inch suspension drop

He eased it out to the street and set the line lock
I knew this would not be quiet, probably wake the whole block
He revved it to 8 grand and let the clutch pop
As the rubber and smoke poured from the tires I spotted a cop!

He released the line lock and let that 55 loose
This baby was ALL MOTOR with no signs of Juice!
He fishtailed sideways, grabbed Third with plenty of guts
With Police in chase he screamed out
  "MAKE SURE YOU USE LOCKTITE SO YOU DON'T LOOSE YOUR NUTS!"

copyright 2001 Phil Morin


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Short Title: CarCorvette

From: Paul at Uptime Toronto (paul*delete_this_part_cuz_I_hate_spam*uptime@rogers.com)
Subject: Twas the Night Before Christmas, and in the Garage.... 
Newsgroups: alt.autos.corvette
Date: 2001-12-24 08:02:12 PST 

	Merry Christmast to all you good 'Vette folk.....
	Here's something that I adapted over the past few years and always brings a
	smile to my face:
	- Paul

'Twas the night before Christmas
And in the garage.
There wasn't a trace of an Audi or Dodge.
The presents were wrapped and the lights were all lit,
So I figured I'd go mess with my Corvette for a bit.

I popped the release and I lifted the hood,
When a deep voice behind me said "Looks pretty good."
Well as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,
And there by my workbench, stood good Ol' Saint Nick!

He just stared at first, not sure what to say,
Then Santa piped in "Don't suppose you'd trade that for my sleigh?'
"Forget it, Mr. Claus" then I started to grin -
"If you've got time we could go for a spin!"

His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,
Burst into a smile when he said "C'mon then, Let's GO!!"
So as not to disturb all my neighbours' retreat,
We pushed my old Sting Ray quietly onto the street.

Then, taking our places to drift down the hill,
I turned on the key, then let the clutch spill.
The sound erupted and took Santa by surprise,
But he liked it a lot, by the look in his eyes.

With cold tires spinning and header pipes aglow,
We headed on out to roads hot rodders go.
And Santa's grin widened, approaching his ears,
With every shift up as I went through the gears.

Then he yelled "Can't recall when I've felt so alive!"
So I backed off the gas and said "Do you wanna drive?"
Ol' Santa was stunned when I gave him the keys,
As he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!

Then the big block exploded with side exhaust sound!
Santa let out the clutch as the tires tore up the ground.
Power shift into second, again into third!
I grabbed for the handle, at loss for a word.

With the tank reaching empty, Santa returned to his sleigh,
Never to forget that ride in my '65 Sting Ray
Later, I heard him exclaim, as he blasted from sight,
"Merry Christmas, good Paul,
it's been a heck of a night!!!"

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Short Title: CarDCSaturn

Subject:      Yet another Twas the night...
From:         ritz@mordor.net
Date:         1997/12/26
Message-ID:   
Newsgroups:   rec.autos.makers.saturn

Twas the night before Christmas
and Steve had to grouse
"I'm Karen Chiu tonight,
I should put on my blouse!"

The troll was hung from the
newsgroup with glee,
in hopes to do battle with
the pesky DC.

The DC were nestled
in their Saturns so bright,
with visions of a V6
"wow, what a sight!"

Then out on the group,
came a Volkswagon klutz.
The DC lamented
"not that tired old putz."

He bitched and opined
that Saturns were junk,
while the DC chuckled
and laughed at the punk.

Determined to win
and out on a limb,
Scharf changed his ID.
Nobody knew it was him!

The onslaught continued
They would pay their dues.
"Uh oh, I'm busted!
They've searched Dejanews!"

The DC were right
and gave not an inch.
So steven decided
to be the Saturn group grinch.

Happy holidays to all.

Chris

--
Chris Mauritz                  | Network Security & Design
Network Engineer               | 56k-T3 connectivity to the Net.
ritz@mordor.net  <--fun biz--> | http://www.new-york.net/

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Short Title: CarDiesel

From: Jim (jimshire nospammy@iprimus.com.au)
Subject: A Xmas tale 
Newsgroups: aus.cars.offroad
Date: 2003-12-16 18:18:37 PST 

Twas the night before Xmas
And all through the car
components were groaning
they'd been very far

The owner a speed freak
had followed the line
pedal to the metal
twas tight trouser time

The box she was leaking
the diff was a groan
the gearbox was cranky
the transfer did moan

The tyres were just legal
tho enourmously big
it wasnt ground clearance
just a bloody big rig

The poor tired engine
had run out of puff
its oil almost solid
twas ready to snuff

And just like its owner
the car was so mean
there wasnt a mechanic
anywhere to be seen

But Santa was watching
this horror unfold
and spoke to his elves
and said to be bold

And thus did it happen
one bright Xmas morn
It wasn't a Cruiser
It wasn't some porn

It stood there all gleaming
alone on the ground
The neighbours were puzzled
they gathered around

What is it they wondered
its so very small
its not like his cruiser
not mucho at all

He started the engine
it purred a great sound
a pity the diff was
so close to the ground

But he puffed out his chest
and he said to them "So..
how do you like Mini Me
my mighty PLAYDOUGH ??

Its nice they agreed
but oh what is that smoke?
It smells like the devil
they started to choke

This one is not pitrol
he explained with a grin
You'll never believe
that the fuel bills so thin

And so did it happen
the clever little weasel
he'd turned in his spark plugs
and gotten A DIESEL.

Merry Xmas Everyone

Cheers
Jim :)))))


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Short Title: CarMechanic

   Author:   gonzo
   Email: cherahsouth@worldnet.att.net
   Date: 1998/12/19
   Forums: alt.autos.sport.nhra

   Tommy Joe 'Twas The Night'
      
'Twas the night before the big race, and all through the shop,
not a tool was left out not even the mop.
The helmets were hung on the roll bar with care,
dinged up and scratched and needing repair.

Our parents were nestled all snug in their beds,
With The Tonight Show amusing their heads.
And TJ in his sneakers, and me in my shorts,
tumbled out of the doorway and onto the porch;

And out by the swale there came such a clatter
a motor, some wheels, hooked to what looked like a ladder.
Away to the shed I flew like a flash, 
pulled open the door and stole Mr. C's gas.

The moon on the backs of these juvenile delinquents,
gave reason to believe this happened quite frequent.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an under powered tow truck, stick shift and no air,

with a crazed little driver so quick and so smart,
only Sammy The Slide Rule could get it to start.
More clumsy than graceful  his  accomplices came
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

Hey TJ, hey Gonzo, hey Crazy Norman and Zeke.
I said just a second , I'm taking a leak.
I'll pop the clutch  when we get by the mall,
Now push away push away push away all!

Like plywood left standing when the hurricanes fly,
When the winds get heavy they reach for the sky,
So down to the corner, the little wrecker flew
with a cab full of  miss fits and Sammy The Slide Rule too.

And then in a panic I heard on the hood.
The unmistakable sound of metal hitting wood.
And as I drew in my head and was turning around,
In through the window came Mr.C with a bound!

He was dressed in his fire suit from his head to his foot,
and just like John Force He was covered with soot.
A box full of tools he had thrown on his back,
and he looked like a thief with a safe ready to crack.

His eyes were watering, his face was beet red.
We began to think we'd be better off dead.
His forehead was dirty and covered with sweat
Seemed like another night  Id later regret.

The barrel of a flashlight he held in his hand,
One look in his eye, and you would understand.
Mr.C was fit, no sign of a belly,
our legs where all shaking like bowls full of jelly.

He was hard but fair, and loved to race.
And I smiled when I saw him, but not to his face.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Let us all know we had nothing to dread.

He told us to get home, get ready for school.
He said he wouldn't call our parents, everything was cool.
And landing a little punch on Tommy Joe's nose
he gave me a nod and out the window he rose.

He sprang to his pick up and gave us a whistle,
and away he flew like a guided missile.
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of site.
If you wanna try that wrecker I'll catch you down at the light.


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Short Title: CarMercedesBenz

From: Camille/Dale (camille@alaska.net)
Subject: McBrues' Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.auto.mercedes
Date: 2002-12-23 21:57:31 PST 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas
And there, under the bridge
Sat a S430 Mercedes
Feeling ignored just a smidge

It's seems dear McBrue
Had family over for supper
But the poor little Benz
Needed a quick picker-upper

So Hanz und big Franz
Brought Mobile 1, about eight quarts
And a selection of accessories
They'd ordered from Auto Sport

There were K&N Filters
And dust shields for the wheels
They had performance exhaust pipes
Of buffed stainless steels

There were new fuses (9 amp)
For the electric door locks
And WD40
To make those squeaking brakes stop

They had new MB floor mats
Straight from Stutggart
And high-tech new headlights
To make darkness part

So at last when they finished
McBrues' poor MB
Felt as though it was loved
And maintained to a "T"

So sleep on dear McBrue
Soon Christmas will be here
But lift your glass to Hanz und Franz
Better yet, wish them good cheer!

Merry Christmas everyone,
 Dale
88 560SL (oh baby)
96 S500C (ohhh baby)


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Short Title: CarStudebaker1

   Author:   ejones
   Email: ejones@seanet.com
   Date: 1998/12/18
   Forums: alt.autos.studebaker

I confess, I stole this from another list and improved on it.

   A Stude Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and at the North Pole,
while test-driving the sleigh
an elf lost control-

And drove straight off a ridge-
and while he was thrown clear
it meant certain doom
for eight tiny reindeer.

They tumbled and crashed
with a horrendous clatter.
Santa sprang from his shop
to see what was the matter.

"The sleigh is demolished!
The reindeer deceased!
My chances for travel
Are greatly decreased!"

"What of the children?
All snug in their beds?
With visions of Bullet Noses
racing 'round their heads?"

And Santa retired,
in tears, to his lodge.
But the elves had a plan;
they went to the garage.

They polished their Studes
and gassed up the tanks
These fitting replacements
For the reindeer ranks

They parked in formation
on the landing pad
And called out to Santa
"An Idea we've had!"

"Time is a-wasting!
There's work to be done!
And with these Stude's
The drive should be fun!"

St. Nick's face brightened.
And he said with acclaim,
"Well, let's get to going!"
And he called them by name-

"On Commander! On Champion!
On Lark and Hawk!
On President! On Avanti!
On Dictator and Rockne

He then took the helm of his personal ride.
The best saved for last, as one always expects.
This Christmas Santa delivered the presents
In a '63 Wagonaire!"

Ernie
 


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Short Title: CarStudebaker2

From: Mike & Heather Kluth (mhkluth@execpc.com)
Subject: Night before Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.autos.studebaker
Date: 2001-12-25 02:24:03 PST 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the garage
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mirage;
The stockings were hung by the work bench with care,
In hopes that ST. STUDEBAKER soon would be there.

The tools were nestled all snug in the tool box,
While the Coupe Express was way up on blocks;
The next project was ready to be started,
So, off to bed I departed,

When out on the yard there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Pulled open the curtains and threw up the sash.

The moon on the crest of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of polished chrome to objects below,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a vintage sleigh, and eight powerful reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Stude.

More rapid than hawks his cruisers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them all by name:
'Now, LARK! now, ERSKINE! now, GT HAWK and COMMANDER!
On, AVANTI! on CHAMPION! on, DICTATOR and TRANSTAR!
To the top of the garage door! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!'

So up to the Garage-top the cruisers they flew,
With the sleigh full of tools, parts and St. Studebaker too.

And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each powerful hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down came St. Studebaker with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with rust and soot;
His little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a cigar he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
A sack of tools and parts he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an evil vendor just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
He saw the Coupe Express and the new project too,
And he realized that there was much to do.
So laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up to the roof he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Peaceful night."

From the Kluth's in Wisconsin
Happy Holidays to all of You
May all be well with your families and Studes.
Hope to see you in South Bend in 2002


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Short Title: CarStudebaker3

From: Jacob Newkirk (newkirks@adelphia.net)
Subject: Merry Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.autos.studebaker
Date: 2002-12-23 23:27:28 PST 

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the garage
Not a Brand X was starting.
Not even a click.

The stockings were empty
We had them to fill
And the kids said "To Wal-Mart"
"It's just down the hill!"

But Mama with her flashlight
And I in grease-covered clothes
Couldn't get that damn Ford started
Now why, do you suppose?

When out on the lawn there arose a low rumble
So smoothly it sounded.
No roughness, no stumble.

Away to the door I ran with great speed
No longer giving my children any heed

The lights of the neighbors' houses outside
Danced brightly on something coming up Raintree Drive.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a beautiful Studebaker filled with eight reindeer.
With a little old driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

They pulled in the drive, this strange entourage,
To deliver a worthy machine to my garage.

His eyes -- how they twinkled, his dimples so merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And harnessed up that old Ford; then turned with a jerk;
He pushed the old car out of the garage with a smile,
"This car's worn out, and has been a while!"

"Enjoy your new car, son, and the family too,
For it's not very often that car dreams come true!"

He slipped behind the wheel and then gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle!
But I heard him exclaim, ere the Ford clanked out of sight,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

--
I apologize for the bad prose, but would like to wish one and all a very
Happy, Healthy and Prosperous Holiday!!!

Merry Christmas,
Jacob & Ginger Newkirk & The Girls <><


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Short Title: CarWhiteTornado

From: Michael Keller (keller428@hotmail.com)
Subject: OT - White Tornado Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.hi-po.big-block-ford-mercury
Date: 2003-05-07 12:18:00 PST 

I pulled this ditty off the SVTOA message boards. Its off topic and
well off season but entertaining none-the-less. I "tuned" it up for us
old time RAMFM'rs. It may be a little hipocritical since I own an SVT
Focus (not quite rice but close enough for some in here I'm
sure).....Enjoy.


'Twas the night before Christmas and caught at the light, 
Was a domestic V8 and no cops in sight, 
I will try, I will try, I will try with this small motor, 
To beat this darn 'stang, even with its big blower, 

As the light goes green and I pull like no joke, 
The White Tornado erupts in clouds of tire smoke, 
Now Smasher, now Rev-ver, now Stroker, now Blitzin, 
These are the names of my four DiamondStar pistons, 

Racing ahead I'm the star of the action, 
But I know I'm in trouble when that V8 gets traction, 
Grabbing second, I hear the RPM sing, 
My mirror is blocked by my shopping cart wing, 

I now hear the roar, of that big monster gaining, 
All I can do is keep that four banger straining, 
In a second, the shockwave hits with a blast, 
And my Neuspeed decals go off flying, a thing of the past, 

Don't bother with third, cause now its too late, 
Just try to act cool, like you can relate, 
Looking up at the taillights, they're getting much smaller, 
The driver backs off just to give me a holler, 

"You can't win them all," he says in a fling, 
"You may not win any, with that silly little thing." 
I smiled and revved as he pulled out of sight, 
Tomorrow with my NOS and turbo'd Tornado of White, it will be a much better night.


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Short Title: Casino

from http://casinogambling.about.com/library/weekly/aa121898.htm

T'was The Nite In The Casino 
by Bill Burton at CasinoGambling.About.com

T'was the nite before Christmas, I hit the Casino, 
I went there to play, More than just Keno. 

The dealers were assigned to their tables with care.
Chatting with patrons who were gambling there.
I walked to the Slots and started to Play. 
I had a feeling this would be my Day. 

I put in my coins and gave the handle a Yank. 
As the coins started dropping I heard them go "Clank.
" The wheels started spinning, they whirled and they glowed. 
Alas! I saw three 7's..lined up in a row. 

The lights started flashing, the bells all were ringing, 
Out came the Jackpot with that old familiar jingling. 
I reached down and scooped up all of my winnings. 
I headed for the tables.. I couldn't stop grinning. 

A table was open so I sat for Blackjack, 
Put down money for chips and purchased a stack. 
The Dealer was smiling, I was having such Fun. 
Drew a Jack then an Ace, I had Twenty One! 

Now off to Roulette but which numbers to Choose? 
The way things were going I just couldn't Lose. 
I watched the ball spinning, it clicked and it Popped. 
Right into my number, that little ball dropped. 

"Thirty five to One", the dealer pushed me my chips. 
Then she said, "Thanks!" for the Toke that I flipped. 
Then out on the Floor, I heard such a Clatter
. I rushed to the Craps Table, to see what was the Matter. 

There was this Fat Guy so lively and quick, 
I thought to myself, he looks like Saint Nick.
I watched the dice as they flew from his hand. 
He made his point, ever time they'd Land. 

"Place the Six and the Eight and a Dollar on YO! 
"He blew on the dice before letting them Go.
"To some these dice are more Fun than Toys.
I almost Forgot, Hard Six for the Boys!" 

He handled the Bones so smooth and so Swift.
The timing was right, To ask for a Gift. 
"Oh Santa please share some of your Lucky Charm. 
He whispered to me, as he took my Arm. 

"If you want to keep winning when rolling the Dice, 
Just listen to Santa and heed my Advice. 
""I've learned from the Experts, Frome, Griffen and Wong. 
The secret of winning is PRACTICE hard and long." 

"You MUST use your head and this is no Fable.
If your Luck starts to turn, You must leave the Table"
In the Blink of an eye he was headed for the Door.
I pleaded with Santa, "Please, Tell me more!” 

He called back to me, as he flew out of sight. 
"Every day will be Christmas, If you Learn to play the game Right" 

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Short Title: Chanukah1

The Night Before Chanukah

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt
While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantlepiece away was tickin'
And Bubba was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much gesshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickala fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shourted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
He gave a gesshray as he drove out of sight:
"Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

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Short Title: Chanukah2

Subject:      Twas the night before Chanukah
From:         "Dandalion" 
Date:         1997/12/16
Message-ID:   <6766qu$1vp@bgtnsc01.worldnet.att.net>
Newsgroups:   alt.humor.jewish

And yet a different version (complete with dictionary!)

Sara

CHANUKAH POEM

'T was the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel

The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel

Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."

The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level

The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh

A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh

And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.

On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days

And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer

To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein

"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."


Very Rough Translations of yiddish:

zeckel= bag *
maidlach = girl *
peckel = coin
meichel = meal *
beichel = stomach *
kinder = children
balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice description)
mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament
           attached to right side of the door jam
zeit = life *
nosh = snack *
stuffed derma = cow intestines
flanken = flank steak
blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with
           fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar)
bissel = a little piece *
lox = smoked salmon (fish)
bialy = kind of roll, sold with bagels *
chaleh = bread
gatkes = guts *
latkes = potato pancakes
dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side,
          used for a game at Chanukah
menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting
mazel = luck
gelt = coins
schnorrer = cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone
            who always takes, but never gives anything back

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Short Title: Chanukah3

From Frasier@usa.net Tue Dec 23 20:02:55 1997
Date: Tue, 23 Dec 1997 17:10:26 -0500
From: "Fr@sier" 

         The Night Before Chanukah

 'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
 Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
 The menorah was set by the chimney alight
 In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
 Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
 And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!

 Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
 While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
 The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
 And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
 A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
 Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!

 I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
 While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
 I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
 And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
 To the window I ran, and to my surprise
 A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.

 When he got to the door and saw the menorah
 "Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
 I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
 As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
 "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
 Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."

 With smacks of delight he started his fressen
 Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
 Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
 When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
 He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
 But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"

 He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
 "Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
 As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
 I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
 So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
 he called out cheerily into the wind.

 More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
 As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
 "Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
 On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
 He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
 "A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Fr@sier's Institute of Relationshipology
http://www.geocities.com/~the_institute

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Short Title: Chanukah4

Subject:      On the First Night of Chanukah...
From:         "Susan E. King - JewishGen" 
Date:         1997/12/23
Message-ID:   <199712240204.CAA03106@bluegate.com>
Newsgroups:   soc.genealogy.jewish

Let's have some PHUN!!!

Twas the first night of Chanukah and all through the site
     the JewishGen Webmasters coding well into the night.
The users were home, searching databases with care,
    secure in their knowledge their family would be there.
But alas we can announce some wonderful news
    the archives are available in more flavors than hues..
See for yourself, what an incredible new tool
    fancier search options to retrieve from this pool.
Faster than dasher, a blink of an eye,
    The results placed before you, wow with a sigh!
So run to the site, click click with the rat...
    and enjoy the lastest new feature in JewishGen's hat.
And while this is only just the beginning
     your comments we know will have us all grinning.
Pull out the checkbooks, it's that time of year..
    for giving and sharing with something so dear.
For those who have given, we thank you with glee
    it's the continued support that allows us to be!
For those who have not, please hear our plea
    what more can we do to get you to see?
The growth and the numbers growing day after day,
    in dynamic proportions what more can we say?
We hope to announce on each of eight nights,
    more and more tools to light up your lights!
Yet who knows how creative one can continue to be,
    so don't expect the same song on nights two and three! 
Oh, just one more thing before you go off snickering,
    Take note of our banner and the candles flickering!
As we carry out JewishGen day in and throughout the night;
   "Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"

From the Board of JewishGen and all the volunteers, we wish each of
you a VERY Happy Holiday Season!

We hope our presentation of some re-tooled and new tools over the
next eight nights will prove some value to each and every one of you
in your personal research.

Susan E. King
President
JewishGen, Inc.
http://www.jewishgen.org
susan.king@jewishgen.org
-=-
JOS: JewishGen's multi-purpose calculator: soundex, dates, distances
     

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Short Title: Chanukah5

   Author:   Ratbat
   Email: ratbat@DONTSPAMMEcyberdude.com
   Date: 1998/12/23
   Forums: alt.acme.exploding.newsgroup
   
      'TWAS THE NIGHT
      HANUKKAH VERSION

'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!

The Kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt

And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkes.

When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.

I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?

He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:

"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?"

He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!

A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.

He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"

He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"

So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kopp!"

>From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!

They're screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"

So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)

He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;

And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"

And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!"

--
Ratbat
|
ratbatATcyberdude.com (change AT to @ to reply)
ICQ 18773736
http://www.potnoodle.co.uk/
Pot Noodle
It's the dog's dangly bits

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Short Title: Chanukah6

From: Nancy (heartforisrael@webtv.net)
Newsgroups: alt.messianic
Date: 2002-11-28 14:45:04 PST 
 
Twas the night before Hanukkah in old Jerusalem 
And all the rabbis were praying, "Baruch HaShem!" 
The menorahs were kindled by the windows with care, 
In hopes that Messiah soon would be there. 

The children were stuffed full of doughnuts and jelly 
While felafel and humus danced in their bellies. 
And I in my keepah and Ema on my lap 
Were hoping to settle down for a long Shabbat nap. 

When out on the merpeset their arose such a clatter 
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. 
Away to the bus stop I flew like a flash 
And jumped on #7, against many people did mash. 

The moon, as it shone on the Old City walls 
Cast golden shadows on the ancient fortress tall. 
When what to my wondering eyes should appear 
But angels of glory, shouting, "The Messiah draws near!" 

Now the little old bus driver, being a Jew 
Told everyone to stay calm, he knew just what to do. 
More rapid than eagles the heavenly host came, 
So he threw open the bus door and called us by name: 

"Now Yaccov, now Levi, now Rachel and Sarah! 
On Avi, on Yossi, on Yitsak and Tara! 
Get off of this bus and go up to the wall; 
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all! 

So up to the "Wailing Wall" we flew like the wind 
That holy place, where this nation does send 
Many prayers for the Messiah to come- 
"Shema, Israel, the Lord our God is One!" 

And in an eye's twinkling I saw in the sky 
The redemption of Israel now drawing nigh! 
As I lifted my head and was turning around, 
The great shofar blew, and all heard the sound. 

And with a great shout, the Lord did appear 
Upon a white horse-and not on reindeer. 
He was clothed in splendor, in glorious hue 
And on Him was written, "Faithful and True" 

His eyes were like fire, His hair white as snow 
His beautiful face, like the sun it did glow! 
And when I saw Him I fell at His feet- 
Yes, I was afraid the Great Saviour to meet. 

But the love in His eyes and the crown on His head 
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. 
He spoke loving words like the sound of many waters, 
And said, "Be not afraid, I have come from the Father."

"Now rise up to me, you have nothing to hide 
For I have come to make you my Bride. 
Remember the babe of Bethlehem? 
I now choose you, O Jerusalem!"

And on to His throne He ascended with might 
And all of the city was filled with great light. 
We need no more lamps nor light of the sun, 
For to us, at last, Messiah has come!

The End-----or beginning? :-)


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Short Title: Chemistry

Date:    14-DEC-1995 12:28:46.77
Subject: Chemistry Twas the night ...

'Twas the night before Christmas

The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
   (Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
   In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
   Soon would be there.

The students were sleeping
   So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
   And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
   And I in my smock.

When outside the lab
   There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
   And fell flat on the floor.
Out ot the fire escape
   All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
   Not one of knew.

The flood-lights shone out
   O're the campus so bright 
It looked like old Stockholm
   On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
   Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling 
   A water-trough sleigh.

And holding the bonds
   Tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
   As our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
   Of most X-rays they came.
As they Dopplered along
   He called each one by name.

"Now Nitrite, now Phosphate, 
 Now Borate, now Chloride
On Citrate, on Bromate,
   On Sulfite and Oxide.

Forget what you know 
   Of that randomness stuff, 
Let's go straight to that roof,
   If you've quanta enough."

As fluids Bernoullian
   Behave in a pinch,
Those ions said "Alchemist
   This is a cinch."
So up to the lab-roof
   Those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
   In his water-trough sled.

Just a microsec later
   Electroscopes showed 
Charged particles coming
   To our lab abode
We raced back inside,
   And what d'ya think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell, 
   Right into the sink.

He was dressed in a lab-coat,
   Quite ragged and old, 
With removable buttons
  (The style, we're told)
A tray-full of beakers 
   He clutched to his heart--
And under his arm
   Was an orbital chart.

His eyes through his goggles
   I just couldn't see
His hands were all yellow
   From H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald 
   With a fringe all around 
Like a ring test for iron,
   That same shade of brown.

He puffed a cigar
   With a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
   Right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth 
   From his angular face
And with Brownian Movement
   Enveloped the place.  

He was thin as a match 
   And not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
   I'd expected at all
But a look at his clothes,
   In the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid-burn holes--
   He's a chemist all right!

He didn't say much
   (He had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
   With nary a spill.  
Then placing them bak
   On the benches with care
He dashed to the fume-hood
   And rose through the air.  

He called to his team
   And his ions took off
And kinetics took care
   Of Pop Chem and his trough,
But I heard him cry out
   As he flew down the street
  "Merry Holidays to all!
   May your stockrooms stay neat!"
 

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Short Title: ChemistryDefense

Subject:      THE NIGHT BEFORE DEFENSE (or A Visit From Citrate)
From:         Randall C Willis 
Date:         1997/12/15
Message-ID:   <3495CBBE.2781@gandalf.psf.sickkids.on.ca>
Newsgroups:   bionet.molbio.methds-reagnts,bionet.molbio.proteins,bionet.genera
l,sci.bio.technology,bionet.cellbiol,bionet.microbiology


THE NIGHT BEFORE DEFENSE
   (or A Visit From Citrate)

Twas the night before Defense, when all through the lab
Not a gel box was shaking, with stain or with MAb;
The columns were hung in the cold room with care,
In hopes that my protein, I soon could prepare;

The post-docs were nestled all smug in their beds,
While extracts of barley muddled their heads;
With the tech in the suburbs and PI the same,
I had just settled down to another video game.

When out of the fridge there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the terminal to see what was the matter.
Away to the cold box, I flew like a flash
But the stench was o'erpowering and I threw up beef hash.

The mould on the dampest of walls which were cold
Had the softness of kittens only seven weeks old;
When what to my view, a thing I despise
But a half eaten sandwich and four tiny mice;

With a little old scientist, so lively and galling,
I knew at a glance was Linus Pauling.
More vapid than undergrads, his charges they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them rude names.

"Now, Watson! Now Francis! You strange little modellers!
On Luria! On Bertani! You stupid old broth'lers!
To the top of the bench, to the top of the wall!
Purify! Purify! Purify all!"

As dry heaves before the commitee meeting, bend
A young student's body and his colon distend,
So up their earlobes, acytes they grew,
With a sack full of antibodies, their skin turning blue.

And then, for a second, I heard from the 'fuge,
An unbalanced rotor spinning something too huge.
Where I put down my hand, to better hear the sound,
Came the snapping of sparks from a wire sans ground.

Pauling's hair was all wavy, and I thought I must be sick
`Cause the curl in his hair looked just like a helix.
On an arm load of oranges, he started to snack
An I recalled his fetish with citrate, the quack.

His eyes were all wrinkled, but the cheeks were yet red;
Not too shabby for a man who was several years dead;
The leer of his smile was just a tad scary
And the snow on his rooftop made his head yet quite hairy;

The end of a pipette, he held in his teeth
And a pile of kimwipes lay around his big feet.
He held a small vial of something quite gel-ly,
A mercaptan no doubt, for it make him quite smelly.

He changed `round the columns, adding to the confusion
And I laughed to spite my own paranoid delusion.
A wink of his eye and a rotation of his head,
Told me whatever I drank would soon leave me dead.

He spoke not a word, just buggered up my work,
And dried all my resins, that silly old jerk.
And separating his middle finger from first, fourth and third,
That crazy, old bugger, just flipped me the bird.

He grabbed up his cohorts and ran down the hall,
And away they all flew, letting me take the fall.
That is why, dear Commitee, I am sorry to say,
I need a five year extension, starting today.


An Xmas present to all from your friends at Aliquotes...happy holidays.

Randall C Willis, Publisher
Aliquotes Press
Aliquotes: A Journal Of Molecular and Biochemical
              Humour and Information
58 Balfour Ave.
Toronto, ON
M4C 1T6  CANADA

416-691-2921 (ph)  416-813-5022 (fax)
roger@xybercom.net

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Last Modified January 7, 2007