Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/
Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.
See the Main Index for the complete contents.
************************************************************Short Title: AVLV(AltVacationLasVegas) Author: Royal Flusher Email: royal@flusherville.com Date: 1998/12/22 Forums: alt.vacation.las-vegas 'Twas the night before Christmas, in AVLV Not a Vermin was stirring, not even Da-vee. The stockings were hung from our laptop with care, In hopes that St. Nickle-as soon would be there; The posters were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of RFB danced in their heads; Both Ma and I in our kerchiefs and caps Were just headed down for a long run at craps. When out by the buffet there arose such a clatter, I sprang from our room to see what was the matter. Away to the elevator I flew like a flash, Past the slot club, the front desk, the cage filled with cash When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, A GMC Yukon drawn by posters in Cocktail Waitress gear, With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than Fastest Cash, his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, McPilot! now, Mowbie, Plumber and Vixen! On, Monaco, Adamant, Donnie and Frixen! To the top of the slots lined up by the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!" As dollar bills that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, So up to the Strat the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of gifts, and St. Nickle-as too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard in between deals, The prancing and pawing of little high heels. As I drew in my chips, and was turning around, Down the escalator St. Nicholas came with a bound. He was dressed in a T-shirt, and shorts so uncanny A black leather vest, and a pack on his fanny A bundle of gifts he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. He spoke of how hed bounced some mucky-muck From posting of spam. Could St. Nick be Chuck? His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! His hips swayed and swung, like a Mother Goose fairy His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And then I heard him say something like Oh oh oh The stump of a stogy he held tight in his teeth, Twas a cheap Honduran knock off wrapped with Cuban leaf He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook, when he laughed like a bowl of buffet jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, Hed fit in at the Copper Mine I thought to myself; A wink of his eye and a pull of the lever, And I hit triple bars and was a believer! He spoke not a word, but performed his good works, And handed out presents to gems and to jerks There were rolls of quarters, nickles and dimes, Comps for the buffet and passes for lines Show tix and sports picks and slot points and smokes For the players true odds, for the dealers big tokes A dictionary for Strevel who, to be blunt Had trouble to tell a cock from a rooster. Psychoactive drugs for our pal George Webber Who used to be Porchnoy but now hes better An umbrella to hide Sonya and Dan-a When theyre making out nude in the Hot Tub Tropican-a A nice gift for a young Australian groom An upgrade to a first class penthouse ROOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were black chips pulled from the old mans purse For every NG member who composed Haiku verse For Phil Feld, free pulls on the ten dollar reels For helping the NG with weekly room deals A compass for Patti, who now sits alone So she can find her way back to her old NG home, Matt and Stinky were pleased with their haul Coupons for breakfast and an inflatable doll For Billhere, without whom it aint quite the same, Something hes wanted for years a last name. Brenda the editor hid her gift from the lot You must come to my web site to see what I got! Some Pampers for Lisa, and a hole ridden raft For the wankers at the casino that gave her the shaft Gamblor and Greatbrit and Scott&Diane Got a handfuls of chips red, green, black and tan (?) Eric Simandl wasnt forgotten Santa paid bail for his next deal gone rotten Santa whispered in Skips ear and laughing he went To play the VP machines that pay a hundred and ten percent A thesaurus for Berman, the tome writing Davy Who might actually need forty ways to say gravy A booklight for Ros, a new ID for McCall A new server for Newkirk, who doesnt live here at all! To the others Santa couldnt mention by name A handful of greens, Merry Christmas just the same We were all pleased with the gifts the fat elf brought He had to be Chuck, thats what everyone thought. He put down a meal comp Its for Chuck, OK? He wouldnt show up unless I brought my 1K A cold jug of Thunderbird left under the bed, For the gamblers gambler, our own Lucky Ned So who was Santa? Who had the touch? To hand out gifts and say Thank you, thank you very much? And buying a thousand game ticket, Who knows? Maybe Kenos my game! and up the chimney he rose; He waddled to his sleigh, and his team gave a whistle, And they all played the dont like the down of a thistle. He bowed and waved and shook his pelvis, Hey whaddya know, old Santa was Elvis! Then we heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas from Vegas, and to All a Good Night! Happy Holidays from the original Royal Flusher Beware of substitutes. ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AWCUSA(AltWarCivilUSA) Author: Southern Witch Email: kfraser@erols.com Date: 1998/12/20 Forums: alt.war.civil.usa Christmas eve is just a few nights away now, and I've had at least one request to re-post the following, which first appeared (IIRC) in 1996. It's amazing how little things have changed since then. ;-) --------------- 'Twas the night before Christmas When all through Web Not a creature was stirring, Not even a Reb. The threads were all hung by the chimney with care In hopes that the Neos would forget they were there. The pro-Yanks were nestled all snug in their beds While theories on slavery danced in their heads. And the RY* in his kepi and I in my cap Had just settled down for a long winter's nap When out on Usenet there arose such a clatter, I sprang to my Mac to see what was the matter. Away to my modem I flew like a flash And fired up my browser to download the trash. The topics I saw as I started to scroll Would seem most scholastic to unknowing souls. When what should appear to my wondering eyes But a new post from Mark and four hundred replies, With a premise so tiresome -- "the slaves caused the War" -- That I knew in a moment the thread was a bore. More rapid than eagles the epithets came, And I groaned and I grimaced as I read out each name: "Now, HWAYNE! now, Rambler! now, Maury and Simpson! On, McMichael! on Bob Johns! on, Sullivant and Epperson! No offense is too petty, no insult too small! Now flame away, flame away, flame away all!" As dry tomes that are in fierce argument cited, When they contradict prejudices, are quickly indicted, So over the top the combatants they went, And the truth was forgotten as logic was bent. And then, in a twinkling, I realized that thread Said nothing that I hadn't already read! As I drew in my breath and was poised to press QUIT, Another rare flash of enlightenment hit. It began as a thought, then became a conviction: One fella's truth is the other one's fiction! The various causes with which we have sided Are making our little group sadly divided. Our arguments so trite! our responses so measured! No quarter is given on views that are treasured! Our own little truths we hold deep in our hearts And guard them like wolves, though they keep us apart. Ill will and bad manners belong on the shelf, And I smiled at that picture, in spite of myself. In the wink of an eye, it came into my head That being polite is not something to dread. So I spoke not a word but went straight to my work And removed from my post terms like "Nazi!" and "jerk!" Then, laying my finger aside of my nose, I hit the SEND key, and away went my prose! But you will hear me exclaim, ere I drop out of sight, "Happy Christmas to AWCUSA and to all a good night!" *RY=Resident Yankee Kathie Fraser ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: BackstreetBoys Author: Jessica Email: i_loveaj@hotmail.com Date: 1998/12/07 Forums: alt.fan.backstreet.boys Twas' the Night Before Christmas, Backstreet Boys style 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house The Backstreet Boys were stirring, Howie ironing his blouse AJ was busy trying to get gel out of his hair In hopes that St. Nick Carter, soon would be there Brian was nestled all snug in his bed, While visions of playing in the NBA danced in his head And Howie in his kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter Away to the window I flew like a flash Tripped on the rug, and nearly busted my ass On the way to the window, I heard Howie mutter But ignoring his gibberish, I opeded the shutter Then what to my wondering eyes should appear Than a jeep with a personalized license plate strung on the rear With a tall, young driver, his hair blonde and slick I knew in a moment it had to be Nick More rapid then eagle's his footsteps they came And he whistled, and shouted, and called us by name Hey Brian, Hey Kevin, AJ, and Howie Hey B-Rok, Hey Train, Bone, and Sweet D At the top of the porch, he gave out a call To tell us that he had returned from the mall As Nick took off his gloves, he looked to the sky But reaching in his pocket, he let out a sigh He'd forgotten his keys, which he needed , he knew So he raised his head and holled to the crew If you didn't think he was dumb, here is your proof When we ignored his cries, he climed to the roof I could hear him stomping and prancing around Then he fell down the chimney with a crashing sound He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot But at closer inspection, 'twas all ash and soot He was lying there, flat on his back Then he let out a groan, opening his eyes a crack His eyes were unfocused, but yer they were merry His cheeks were all flushed, his nose like a cherry I had descended the stairs, with Brian in tow To find Nick under our stockings, all lined up in a row AJ smiled and showed us his teeth While Howie shook his head and said "Oh, good frief" We attended to our Santa, while Brian scarfed down some jelly That he found in the bags Nick brought home from the deli My wee-little cuz was busy stuffing himself Till I took his jam and stuck it on a high shelf A wink of AJ's eye and a twist of his head Noticing the fries in a container all colored in red Howie spoke not a word, but went straight to his work And looked in the packages brought home by the jerk With a point of his finger and a wrinkle of his nose Howie displayed Nick's lack of taste in picking out clothes Nick sprang to his feet and gave us a shout So we started to sing to drown his cries out But I heard him exclaim as we sang till the light, "Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Night!" PS: Sorry I dissed Nick, but it rhymed. Don't take itpersonally, it's only meant for a joke (_8^(l) <----- Homer Simpson ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: BarquePictonCastle from http://www.picton-castle.com/page85.html December 25, 2001 'Twas the Night Before Christmas On the Barque Picton Castle By Pasha Greathead 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the barque Not a cockroach was stirring (and, boy was it dark!) The ditty bags were hung In the forepeak with care In hopes that Santa Soon would be there The daymen were nestled All snug in their beds Visions of marlin spikes Danced in their heads The 8-12 watch Had taken the deck And Tom Ward was scowling And giving them heck Up in the fo'c'sle I'd hung up my knife And just settled in For the short pre-watch night But out on deck Arose such a clatter I leapt from my rack To see what's the matter By the baleful glow Of the starboard running light I beheld a strange And terrible sight Nine tiny reindeer Were tangled aloft Kicking and bleating And starting to cough The sleigh full of gifts I saw not a sign (It was tangled astern In the distance log line) And where's St. Nick? To complete this story. He's peering over the side Of the half-finished dory Helping him down From the galley rooftop He grimaced as he caught Sight of the disaster atop We set straight to work And hauled in his sleigh Santa grabbed his gifts And started on his way Treatises on seamanship He left for the mates And for the cats Some freshly caught bait The 8-12 watch scrambled Up to the yard And freed all the reindeer (It wasn't that hard) The reindeer slid down The mainsail so white Bleating and kicking They seemed quite all right On the Bosun's door frame Was carefully hung A beautiful stocking Full of sew twine and mung A big tub of grease He explained with a laugh An awfully good present for the king of PFAFF! The Captain too Not to be forgotten A nice new sarong Of Indian cotton Santa went forward And into the salon He passed out his gifts And then he carried on A big present here A little gift there Copper nails for Kim, Sheet music for Claire Up into the fo'c'sle Presents small and large A guitar string for Rigel Sail twine for Marge He carried on outside One more to go! A bag of coal to the galley For the cooks, don't ya know The reindeer were ready In line on the hatch The sleigh was all dry It's a magic sleigh, natch Santa leapt in the sleigh It was a beautiful sight Rudolph's nose was aglow Like the port running light The reindeer reared up All snug in their traces And leapt off the deck (Just missing the braces) And I heard him yell As he flew off more quickly Fair winds to all, You square-rig mickey-fickies!! Unless otherwise protected, all content, images, layout and design Copyright © 1997-2001 Windward Isles Sailing Ship Company ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: Baseball(Braves) From: Guess Who? (hoowee@braves.net) Subject: The Braves and the Curse of the Murph Newsgroups: alt.sports.baseball.atlanta-braves Date: 2003-10-18 16:03:59 PST The Curse of the Murph Twas the night before game 6 and all through Underground not a ballplayer was stirring, not even at the pitchers mound their bats were all honed by the twilight with with care in hopes that a championship victory would soon be there The fans were all sleepless, not snug in their beds, 'Cause visions of Levon Hernandez danced in their heads and Grandpa in his jersey and I in my cap had just settled down vainly for a nap When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter We sprung from our beds to see what's the matter Away to the window we flew like a flash Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash The moon in the sky behind the old oak tree cast a glow of midday on all we could see and to our amazement, who should appear? but the ghost of "The Murph", his uniform very clear My grandpa turned white, this is no lie I rubbed my eyes and looked at "The Murph" up in the sky! Solemnly he spoke, telling the reason he came "I was traded to the Phillies and that was a shame" "The Murph" was the first to go, but this was the blow Then Justice and Grissom had been traded, and now all you will hear is, "Wait till next year"! Thet loved him in Hotlanta, it was plain to see so clear to all but T.T. T.T. gave away a billion out of his purse but it was not enough to break "The Curse"! You know the story, the book of woe, it started with Glavine and the strike he couldn't throw My grandpa coughed and went for a beer, his throat had gone dry thinking that the end is near "C.Jones and Klesco, so goes the tale caused many a fan to wonder and wail Onward they toiled to that "impossible trance" just to face Hernandez gave them no chance. "It was such a bore that I threw in some tricks, like that glorious night know to all as "Game Six" with Glavine it gave you a moment of glee, But, alas twas Bobby who wouldn't pull him after three A team should feel safe with such a lead, yet October arrived and they were ready to bleed take all prior visions, so twisted and bent, Can't compare to thought of CHOKING again at the "Big Event" ! "That this was so evil it was thought that the curse had drawn to its climax, 'it can't get no worse' but with no lessons learned they let go of Dale, they traded him away and now they will always fail "now, I had only to surpass that moment of pain to give you another no Braves fan could sustain with one strike away, on the edge of your seat, Chipper Jones let the ball go through his feet" "So that's why here in Hotlanta should you not sleep? deprived of your victory, tomorrow to weep? it's to remember the man who caused you the guilt, and to ask why wasn't "The Ted" the house that Bobby built"? Written after a Braves Choke Oct. 1997 ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: Baseball From: Mike Schmidt (mikeschmidt2000@yahoo.com) Subject: Twas The Night Before Christmas Newsgroups: alt.sports.baseball.phila-phillies Date: 2001-12-23 15:46:47 PST 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a Free Agent was stirring, not even a trade; The Phans stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that Jim Buck Jr. soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of Giambi danced in their heads; And mamma in her Phils T-shirt, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out in the living room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the computer so fast I almost exploded Clicked past the screensaver and onto the forum. The dates by the posts were growing quite ancient Imparted melancholy tapering toward an exit. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But an Ed Wade transaction sending Rolen a reminder, With a slash of payroll here and a non-tender there, Rolen knew in an instant that he would no longer be here. More numerous than locusts his opponents they came, And they whistled, and shouted, and called him sick names; "You suck! You stink! You damn greedy bastard! You don't like us? A battery for your left eye! We love our billionaire Buck brothers and cutthroat Monty! Now go away! Go away! Just get out of here sonny!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, So on to the gym did Rolen fly, Than into the cage with a sack of glistening Maplewood bats. And then, in the cage I heard a crack from way back, The sounds of a triple crown closer each hack. As the ball sailed heaven bound I did turn around, Only to see a smiling Steve Phillips, his payroll unbound. Disturbed as I was I glanced to my left, And what did I see but the Dodgers Dan Evans; Stung by the momentum I spun away from it all, Only to be confronted by Boston's Dan Duquette! His shades--how they twinkled! The Boss was merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His look hiding a voracious hunger to howl, With a huff he barked at Cashman "Invite Rolen to chow!" Cold winds ripple across the Duck Pond, The players of Merion flown south to Boca Raton; The fire is stoked in Buck's Haverford palace, Jim's poring over his portfolio with a look of malice. Names abound such as ESPN, Airgas and Staples, But in vain you search for A-Rod, Giambi or Hampton; Buck's fondness for Giles he's not a lyin', Alas for the Phans, he doesn't mean Brian; When the markets went south Buck Jr. smirked with delight, Three days before he sold short everything in sight, And laying his thumb underneath his nose, He waved his fingers toward the Phans as he rose; He sprang to his Rolls, his brothers in tow, And away they all flew like Dow Jones ho's. But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, "HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A BULL MARKET NIGHT!" ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: Basic Subject: 'Twas the night before Basic From: rife@inlink.com Date: 1997/12/16 Message-ID: <674nco$6gj$1@news1.inlink.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.landmark Howdy folks, The newsletter for the local franchise of McTrainings "showed up" in my mailbox today. Thought I would share something cute from it. Kudos to the Blues towel man. Feel free to add verses. This could be quite fun. Twas the Night Before Basic Twas the night before Basic and all through the hotel people were frantic and confused as well. Fannies on fabric, quick get to the class. Sit in your chairs or she'll chew out your ... ! This isn't a trick and it's not a stunt. Just sit right there, and tell me what do you want! The breaks were all timed just the way they oughta, to reflect or pee, and drink lotsa watta! When out in the hall there arose such a clatter, she sent out the staff to see what was the matter! There were three, maybe four, who arrived a little late. But didn't know that they didn't know what was really at stake. There was laughter and fun as we danced in our socks. What a great feeling it was being outside our box. I knew what I knew but you didn't tell me, you see, that all of my answers lie deep inside me. I'm not leaving the rest of my life to chance, I can only imagine what we'll do in Advanced. Has love in your life sometimes been omitted? Well not anymore when you just become committed! So go for broke, it doesn't cost very much. You can share it with the world and everyone you touch. :-D Anyone want a Happy Meal? :-D ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: Basketball(Jayhawks)
from http://kate.gulf.net/holidays/christmas/nightbefore.html
A Jayhawk Night Before Christmas
By John Steere (Your Humble Web Master),
With Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a keyboard was stirring, not even a mouse.
The game scores were hung on the web page with care,
in hopes that more victories soon would be there.
The faithful were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of champions danced in their heads.
And mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap,
had just settled down for a long winters nap.
When out on Naismith there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the Jayhawk hoops players wandering near.
And their cagey head coach, so lively and coy
I knew in an instant it could only be Roy.
More Rapid than Tigers and Cowboys they came,
He whistled and shouted and called them by name.
"Now Jerod, now Jacque, now Billy and B.J.,
On, Pollard, on Raef on Ryan and T.J.
Into the Fieldhouse, lets practice some ball,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all."
Into old Allen the players all flew,
and behind them came Roy, and three trainers, too.
Around him they gathered to hear of his plan,
For an April trip to the Promised Land.
He shouted and whistled, cheeks rosy and red,
Through each of the drills to the players he pled:
"More back screens, more free-throws, more rebounds, more treys
You can't win it all if you don't run the plays.
Come on, you're loafing, come on move your feet
There're Tigers and Aggies and Cyclones to beat."
In the doorway I perched all quiet and shy,
And knew if we won that this would be why.
Paul Pierce leaped and soared high off of the ground,
And thundered to earth with one more rebound.
He fired it out to a waiting Jacque Vaughn,
With a wink and a streak up court he was gone.
I saw Ryan and C.B. try to guard Haase,
What more could one want for a Jayhawk Christmas?
They sweated and toiled all that Christmas day eve,
Without thought of quitting or rest or reprieve.
And then in a twinkle Roy said they were done,
"Let's go play a game and have some REAL fun."
He sprang to the bus, to the team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere they drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to Jayhawks, to all a good-night."
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Short Title: Basketball(Spurs)
Subject: The Night Before Christmas
From: elliotspur@aol.com (Elliotspur)
Date: 1997/12/26
Message-ID: <19971226200300.PAA26982@ladder01.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.sports.basketball.nba.sa-spurs
The Night Before Finals
(I made this better but it was written by Mitch)
(with apologies to Mitch the laker fan)
'Twas the night before Finals, and all through the city
Not a player was stirring, not even Vinny
The plays were all drawn on the chalkboard with care,
In hopes that a championship would soon be theirs;
The Spurs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a dynasty danced in their heads;
AJ ate his gumble , and Tim wore his draft cap
And they settled in for a long evening's nap;
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
Sean rose from his bed, to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday to objects below,
When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer!
With a little Black driver, so lively and quick,
He knew in a moment it must be "Saint" David
Till now in the playoffs, the Spurs beat all who came,
And David whistled and shouted, and called them by name:
"Gone Rockets! Gone Utah! Gone Sonics and Lakers
Gone Atlanta and Miami, 'cuz they aint nothing but FAKERS!"
At the top of the standings, the best of them all,
The spurs had squashed 'em, like a bug on the wall!
Only one other team still had an eye on the ring,
The Pacers from Indiania where Reggie is King!
"They're old and they're feisty, and they think it's their right,
To win a trophy, with a legend on sight"
And then, in a twinkling, Sean heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As he drew in his head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney David-the-Quick came with a bound!
He was dressed all in Black, from his neck to his knee,
Trimmed only in Grey for all there to see.
A bundle of gifts he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry!
His cheeks were like chocolate, his nose like a cherry!
His navel head glistened with a small bead of sweat, as he looked at
them closely and let out a scream "I'LL MAKE THE SPURS
IMPOSSIBLE TO DEFEAT!!"
"For you, San Antonio Ill pull off a trade -
to welcome BRENT BARRY we'll throw a parade.
For you,Tim Duncan you will secure your wealth.
For Sean, some Nerve, for Vinny some Health.
"For Cory, there's patience...for his time will come.
Those that can't see it, are really quite dumb!
Malik gets more talent, and so does jackson
Tim gets some Free Throws, now get ready for action!!
"Chuck gets Playin Time, for Aj a SHOT,
But I don't need nuthin, cuz I'm always HOT!
And for Perdue my backup, a center no doubt,
Sorry, but here's hoping I never come out."
He talked no more trash, but went straight to his work,
He gave them their "presents", then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!"
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