Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

Short Title: TVShowLateShow(Letterman)1

   Author:   MarilynSgt
   Email: marilynsgt@aol.com
   Date: 1998/12/08
   Forums: alt.fan.letterman

Twas My Night At The Late Show

Twas my night at the Late Show and all through the Ed,
Not a creature was sleeping unless it was dead.
The cameras were hung by the desk and each chair,
In hopes that Dave Letterman soon would be there.

The audience was nestled all snug in their seats,
While visions of Letterman made their hearts skip two beats.
With Calvert in a kerchief and Rupert in his cap,
We knew we werent in for a one hour nap.

Eddie, the warm-up guy, was ready to go,
And I knew in a moment it was time for the show.
I guess band introduction time must've came,
Cause he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Sid, Now Felicia,
Now, Anton, Al, Will.
On Bones, On Bruce,
And at the top of the bill...
To the top of the bandstand,
With no red nose at all
Now clap away! Clap away!
Here comes Paul!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stage,
The prancing and pawing of each CBS page.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Downstage DAVID LETTERMAN came with a bound.

He was dressed in Armani, from his head to his foot,
His peninsula hairpiece- the color of soot.
With a bundle of jokes thanks to Inkys hard labors,
And I thought- Wake the kids! Phone up the neighbors!

His eyes- how they twinkled! What a gap-toothed mouth!
And a tie that was headed all the way to the south.
The can of a ham he held tight in his hands,
And he tossed it a bit before all of his fans.

Leonard Tepper came out, a right jolly old elf.
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
Then with a toss of a pencil, and a shake of his fist,
Dave proceeded to read us his top ten list.

He finished his list and went straight to his work,
Interviewing celebrities who may think hes a jerk.
Then laying his pencil aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, the show came to a close.

He sprang to his feet, to his staff gave a whistle,
And off flew his jacket like the down of a thistle,
But I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight
"Thanks for being here, come again, and to all a good night!"

--
"You'll come for the ham, you'll stay for the band."
http://w3.nai.net/~marilyn


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Short Title: TVShowLateShow(Letterman)2

From: Marilyn (marilynsgt@cox.net)
Subject: 'Twas My Night At The Late Show -2002 Edition 
Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman
Date: 2002-12-18 19:49:39 PST 

Twas My Night At The Late Show - 2002 Edition

Twas my night at the Late Show and all through the Ed
Pages danced in the aisles like they were sick in the head.
The cameras were hung by the desk and each chair,
In hopes that Dave Letterman soon would be there.

The audience was nestled all snug in their seats,
While visions of Letterman made their hearts skip two beats.
They knew the hour would pass quickly, each minute so short,
It takes twice as long to read the Best-Page Trip Report...

(which is excellent and available at www.best-page.us )

The theater was cool, but I was warmed by the nog,
And the radiant sparkle of Dave's Oprah log.
I needed no sweater, with the excitement, I knew
I'd feel ten degrees warmer than Lehecka's IQ.

With Alan in a kerchief and Rupert in his cap,
I knew we weren't in for a one hour nap.
Eddie, the warm-up guy, was ready to go,
And so, in a moment, they'd start the Big Show.

Then band introduction time must've came,
Cause he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Sid, Now Felicia,
Now, Anton, Al, Will.
On Bones, On Bruce,
And at the top of the bill...
To the top of the bandstand,
With no red nose at all
Now clap away! Clap away!
Here comes Paul!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stage,
The prancing and pawing of each CBS page.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Downstage DAVID LETTERMAN came with a bound.

Like cruising I-465 with its namesake at the shifter,
I knew I'd be an idiot to go pull a Drifter.
He was dressed in Armani, from his head to his foot,
His peninsula hairpiece- the color of soot.

With a bundle of jokes thanks to Inky's hard labors,
And I thought- Wake the kids! Phone up the neighbors!
His eyes- how they twinkled! What a gap-toothed mouth!
And a tie that was headed all the way to the south.

The can of a ham he held tight in his hands,
And he tossed it a bit before all of his fans.
Then Gerard ambled out, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.

Then with a toss of a pencil, and a shake of his fist,
Dave proceeded to read us his top ten list.
He finished his list and went straight to his work,
Interviewing celebrities who may think he's a jerk.

Then laying his pencil aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, the show came to a close.
He sprang to his feet, to his staff gave a whistle,
And off flew his jacket like the down of a thistle,

But I heard him exclaim as he strolled out of sight
"Thanks for being here, come again, and to all a goodnight!"

-Marilyn Sargent


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Short Title: TVShowLoisNClark

From: Sue Tremblay (S141414@AmericasM01.nt.com)
Subject: Twas for L and CKs 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.lois-n-clark
Date: 1997/03/13 

Twas after the episode of L and CKs
by Sue Tremblay
specially edited by Elisa Frost

Twas after the episode of L and CKs when all through my house
Not a creature was stirring, just me and my mouse.
The newsgroup and emails I’d checked them with care
In hopes the song title I just might find there.
The FoLCs had been posting, a lot had been said,
But as for a title I still have not read.

And while Lois despaired and Supes tried to break free
Tempus kept scheming - "I’ll be emperor", said he.
When at Lois’ door there arose a small clatter,
And the Kents had arrived after hearing the matter.
Away to the Planet, Lois was called in by Perry
While Tempus was lining up thugs without tarry.

The subliminator of Tempus used since the last show
Gave the luster of decent to those *not* in the know
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But Herbert G. Wells - he’d seen Supes statue disappear!
With Lois’ tale of events, so lively and quick,
Herb knew in a moment it was an old Tempus trick.

More rapid than eagles the Alt Clark he came,
And he promised them all he could be just the same:
Now, Lois! Now, parents! Now, rescues and spins!
On, Twinkies! On, cupcakes! On dingdongs and sins?
To the impeachment of Tempus! To the rescue of Superman!
And all the time doing the best that he can!

To find Lois’ Clark, Herb tried to take flight
Until Tempus arrived, stepping out of the night
So off to the bunker with a lining of lead,
Tempus took Herb, a thing he did dread.
And then, in a twinkling, JD lined up the phoneless
He was going to shoot them, like he’d done with the homeless.

As they took aim to fire, awaiting  John Doe to say,
The alternate Superman wooshed the ‘criminals’ away.
They both hated John Doe, Lois caught it at once
Unfortunately Tempus was being no dunce.
While Alternate Superman searched through the phone lines
Tempus was re-wiring -- keeping command of their minds

With the chemistry brewing and the lighting just right
Lois and Alt. Clark had their urges to fight;)
While Lois lay dreaming of happier days
Tempus showed Herb his evil ways
After a moving exchange with the alternate Clark
They found a new clue when lighting the dark.

They spoke a few words, then went straight to their work,
And showing CK’s not Superman was another perk.
And saving the day in the Superman way,
Off to find her Clark, Lois was soon away.
They sprang to the time machine, no need to delay
And having him back things are better this way.

But I have to exclaim, ere I lurk out of sight,
Alt Clark get Alt. Lois! and to all a good-night!

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Short Title: TVShowMASH

From: John Tidwell (wedgehed@yahoo.com)
Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas(h) 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mash
Date: 2002-12-23 13:57:26 PST 

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
   by Corporal Radar O'Reilly

'Twas the night before Christmas and despite war's concerns
Not a creature was stirring, not even Frank Burns
The stockings were hung on the tent pole with care
They belonged to Nurse Able, she'd forgotten them there

The surgeons were snockered, all drunk in their beds
While visions of Houlihan danced in their heads
And Klinger in curlers and I with my bear
Had just left the latrine, that enlisted men share

When from off towards the showers there arose such a clatter
I cleaned off my glasses to see what was the matter
Amidst fallen canvas and soapy liquidity
There stood Margaret Houlihan in total nudidity

The moon on the breasts of the now enraged major
Gave the lustre of mid-day to us there below her
When what to my reddening ears should appear
But hyena laughs and cat-calls and cheers

She marched thru the night with me in her wake
I knew in a moment to see Colonel Blake
Though lower than eagles, his clusters they came
And he ordered and shouted and called them by name

"Now Hawkeye! Now Trapper! Report to my office!
Before she makes good and sics Hammond upon us!
And from both of his feet to the top of his head
I order you, untie Frank Burns from his bed!"

As dry leaves move on a sea of molasses
They took their sweet time getting off of their asses
They moved like a glacier in northern Alaska
They sauntered and strolled like folks from Nebraska!

The tension was heavy and then grew ten-fold
When the major demanded she be put thru to Seoul
And just as I thought we were all in the crapper
Then in thru the door walked Hawkeye and Trapper

They were dressed not at all, except down below
Where each one had placed a big, bright, red bow!
They strutted and posed like a couple of pheasants
Then said "Come on Hot-Lips and unwrap your presents!"

Her eyes were like fire, her face quite contrary
And she stamped and she screamed, it was really quite scary!
The Colonel just sighed and slid under his desk
He'd been drinking bourbon and he needed a rest

Then all of a sudden, it really got funny
When Major Burns entered dressed up like a mummy
But as they all shouted and as the fur flew
I thought it'd be nice to have peace-talks here too

How the insults were flying! How their jaws they did work!
She called them both animals, they called Frank a jerk!
While from under the desk came a drunken refrain
"Happy Christmas to Mildred, or is it Lorraine?"

But then it grew still, like a book on a shelf
Because I yelled, "Choppers!" in spite of myself
"Wait for it" I said as they all ceased their banter
Then a noise filled the air like an evil old Santa

Her shoulders were slumped, as she hung up the phone
Then she keyed the loudspeaker, "All nursing shifts on!"
But they sprang to her sides, ere they left me behind
"Merry Christmas" said Trapper, then from Hawk, "Finest kind!"


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Short Title: TVShowMysteryScienceTheater3000(MST3K)1

   Author:   A Templeton Goff
   Email: goff@gis.net
   Date: 1998/12/22
   Forums: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
   
Well, I had a creative writing session in school today, and I made a
bizarre, stream-of-conciousness parody of "The Night Before Christmas,"
loosely based on 521- Santa Claus. Here goes:


Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, 'cause everyone's soused.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Along with the gym shorts, and my underwear.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar plumbs laughed in their heads.
(The therapy hadn't been working, you see,
But at least they hadn't yet burned down the tree.)

Suddenly, I heard a strange noise down below,
But was it Saint Nick? The answer is no.
Who to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a strange looking devil, with big, pointy ears!

So this is why sugar plumbs torment my kids!
It's the work of El Diablo, or a minion of his.
Then the glass shattered, and covered the shelves,
It was old Santy Claus and a crack team of elves!

"Now listen here, Lucifer," said the great Bearded One,
"I'm putting my boot down! I'm ending your fun!"
Santa's elves started yelling a primal war cry,
While I started thinking, Why me? Oh, why?

Santa grabbed Satan, his cheeks all aglow,
And with a kick of his boot, gave him the heave-ho!
"Your kids should be safe now," Saint Nicholas said,
"They're no longer controlled by the man painted red!"

And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of site,
"Merry Christmas to all! Man, what a good fight!"

So, what do you think, sirs?
Vermin Boy


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Short Title: TVShowMysteryScienceTheater3000(MST3K)2

From: SteveJP (toycarguy@aol.computation)
Subject: Night before MST'mas 
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Date: 2001-12-22 19:57:22 PST 

Time to shake the dust off yet another holiday rerun:

=======================================
|       The Night Before MST'mas      |
|.....................................|    
|A festive, jolly and slightly twisted|     
|    "Mystery Science Theater 3000"   |  
|           Holiday parody            |      
|           by ToyCarGuy              |     
=======================================

(Based on "The Night Before Christmas, or A Visit from St. Nicholas"
by Clement Clarke Moore )

'Twas the Night before MST'mas, at the inn 'RATMMer House',
As I clicked 'round the newsgroups with my PS/2 mouse,
And read the glad tidings each MSTie did share
With well-wishes we posted to each other there.
Other MSTies had already gone to bed early;
Killer Shrews and Blue Floyds had made their brains twirly.
But I stayed awake, with some coffee to brew;
And when my PC grabbed a "cookie", I'd have one too.

When out on the street there arose such commotion,
With rumblings and grindings and back-fire explosions!
I ran to the window to see what made the fuss,
And found 'twas that forsaken VW bus.

There was no denying it; no way to mistake 'er;
I had to accept, 'twas the accurs'd Widowmaker.
And then to my watering eyes did appear
That face full of evil, that dark, horrid leer.
At this sight my own head started to swirl,
For it was Mrs. Forrester, that bad mutha Pearl
And her lackeys, the pale evil Observer
And the mis-treated Bobo (who didn't deserve her).

As if from the street my tears they did spy,
They taunted me: "1-2-3, Cry, baby, cry!"
Then Pearl gunned the engine, the rockets ignited anew
And up 'round the rooftop that malev'lent van flew.

It hit the roof soundly, and set the rafters to creaking
(I suspect by next Summer I'll find the roof's leaking!).
And then the air filled with a jingly sound
Caused by Observer, who beamed them all down.

Why this visit by Pearl, and her henchmen to boot?
Did they, like the Grinch, just come here to loot?
But the answer, I swear, had me taken aback
As Bobo upended a huge gift-laden sack,
The contents of which spilled 'round like a video sea!
I couldn't believe it!  My heart filled with glee!

For there at my feet was each MSTed movie, each
Heady experiment right there within reach!
Ev'ry dang one of them at my tootsies did lay
Including the ones from KTMA!
So excited was I that I shouted the name
Of each two-bit director, each career filled with shame:

From Corman!  From Coleman!
From Waters, and Wood!
O'er two hundred damned movies,
And not a one of them good!

(Okay, there's 'Marooned', which of course stars Gene Hackman;
But I'm making a point here, so cut me some slack, man!)

Tor Johnson, Touch Connors, and big Joe Don Baker!
The foul Bert I. Gordon and man-god John Agar!
Some of the worst writers, directors and actors ever employed
Were key elements of the show that I most enjoyed!

And yet I still wondered why Pearl would just leave
The collection a MSTie would hope most to receive.
"Don't be a lunkhead", she said with a smirk,
"It's not out of kindness, ya knuckle-knob jerk.
To take over the world is still my main goal,
But you've watched all these films and came through it whole.
So you might as well have 'em", she said with a sneer on her face,
"Besides, the damn things just take up valuable space."

And with that, she signaled to Brain-Guy
Who made them all vanish as Bobo waved bye-bye.
So once more the 'Maker belched out its hellfire
And leapt off the roof, rising higher and higher.
Still, I  s'pose in her own way, Pearl wished us holiday cheer,
'Though what she actually said was, "Cripes, I need a beer!"

Finally now, my parody is done with;
I hope I've done more than just waste some bandwidth.
And to all fellow MSTies far and wide
I wish you the best for this MST'mas-tide.
May the Joy of the Season set your hearts percolating,
And for cryin' out loud, keep those tapes circulating!

(C) 1995 - 2001 SJP
ToyCarGuy, #72920 (e-mail requires de-putation)


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Short Title: TVShowSNL

Subject:      Re: SNL Archives - HELP!!!
From:         Fred Bass 
Date:         1997/12/17
Message-ID:   <679et1$3fg$1@bandit.cyberwar.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.tv.snl

DAnder4681  wrote:
> I am trying to find the text from Matt Foley's (Chris Farley) recital of Twas
> the Night Before Christmas (Dec 93).  I've looked at most of the web sites that
> came up using the major search engines, but did not find that particular skit
> anywhere.  Any suggestions on where to look would be greatly appreciated!!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van,
Your ol' buddy Matt fell asleep behind the can.

His children were nestled two time zones away,
With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A.

Matt woke up and realzied with a chill and a quiver
That he was living in a van down by the river!"


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Short Title: TVShowUFO

From: "christensensteve" 
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 15:26:42 -0000 
Subject: [SHADO] The UFO Incident Before Christmas 

The UFO Incident Before Christmas 
by Dave Walsh 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out in deep space, 
Not a creature was stirring on SHADO Moonbase; 
The spacesuits were hung in the lockers, so cute 
In case they'd be needed for a jump in the chute. 
The pilots were nestled all snug in their cots, 
While visions of UFO's spun in their thoughts. 

And Paul in his Nehru, and Gay in her skirt 
Were sitting on watch, and starting to flirt 
When from SID's connection there came such a clamor 
Like the sound of a bell sharply struck by a hammer! 
Away to the monitor they flew like a flash, 
(Hoping the girls weren't writing more slash!) 

The lights of the monitor gave off a glow 
Just as an Intruder had started to show 
Before they could ask about its speed rate, 
SID had announced, "Velocity, SOL 8". 
When suddenly all of their thoughts gave a glimmer 
To the same notion, "It must be a Spinner!" 
With a driver so vile, wearing a red suit 
To kidnap some humans, the evil galoot! 

More rapid than light, his agents they came, 
And he telepathically called them by name: 
"Now Croxley, now Collins, now Turner, now Craig and 
On Roper, on Turner, on Fraser and Regan! 
To the Dalotek base, then flashing by SID, 
Get us to Earth, and truly well-hid!" 

As a bat out of hell, his UFO flew, 
While out of their crater the Interceptors spew; 
They took their positions, their missiles they fired, 
Each one had missed, (They must have been tired!), 
The UFO sailed on straight to the Earth, 
While the Interceptors returned, without proving their worth. 

SHADO Command called Sky 1 in flight 
And told Captain Carlin to set everything right. 
He lined up the UFO for a well-placed shot, 
But he also missed (He was as drunk as a sot!), 
So out came the Mobiles, the minivan-tanks, 
But the UFO just sailed over their ranks! 

In Straker's back yard the UFO landed, 
(It was a bad grounding, they just might be stranded!) 
When out of the craft, just who should appear, 
But an alien in red, covered with silver gear! 
He entered the house, his intent still unknown, 
But when he searched it, no one was home; 
So he waited for Straker to return to his place 
(In order to grab him and take him to space?) 

When Straker returned to his home, which was locked, 
He had Alec Freeman with him (Who was crocked!); 
Also accompanying was Virginia Lake 
Who saw the UFO and cried, "It's a fake!" 
But Straker knew at once it was real, 
And realized 'twas he that they'd come to steal; 
So drawing his pistol, and kicking the door, 
(Poor Colonel Freeman passed out on the floor!) 
Ed leapt through the door and fired a shot-- 
But did he hit him? (I'm afraid not!) 
The alien had in his hands a small gift 
Just to give Straker's poor spirits a lift; 
An alien fruitcake, their highest reward; 
(Which here on Earth is largely deplored!) 
But Ed was not in a gift-giving mood, 
(Especially with such a God-awful food!) 
So he shot him again,right straight in the chest, 
Sending the alien to his final rest. 
Ed's final words to the green fluid-sucker? 
He shouted out, "Merry Christmas, Mother******!" 
(So Straker's words don't cause any friction, 
He just watched a video of the film "Pulp Fiction"!) 

A SHADO cleanup crew was hastily called, 
and back to the base the ET was hauled; 
His space craft was strapped tightly down to a truck, 
But before they could leave, it dissolved into muck; 
But hung-over Alec, still full of good cheer, 
Mumbled, "Happy Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year!" 

--
Yahoo! Groups Links 
To visit your group on the web, go to: 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SHADO/ 


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Short Title: TVShowXena(Callisto)

Subject:      The Callisto who stole christmas
From:         ah787@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Bill Stuart)
Date:         1997/12/12
Message-ID:   <66s17n$47g@freenet-news.carleton.ca>
Newsgroups:   alt.tv.xena


The Callisto who stole christmas

Twas the night before christmas,
And all through the land,
Not a creature was stirring except a cute blonde Brigand.
All the villagers had been hung over a deep recess,
In the hopes that one of them knew where to find the warrior princess.

There arose from her tent a hideous screech,
The warrior Callisto had discovered a breach!
That annoying blonde girl had run off with a horse,
She had listened and written down Callisto's planned course

The blonde lunatic leapt onto a sled,
The prisoners who pulled it trembled with dread,
"On Braxus, on Sarius, On Donrius and Blitzem!"
"On Cometus, Prancer and Vixus!" she screamed as she whipped em

On through the night the sled did lay chase,
But the horse was too fast and soon won the race.
The blonde girl had escaped to a keep on the hills,
Callisto waited outside and gave everyone chills

"I'll bet they're inside having roast who-beast and trimmings!"
"I bet they're just so joyous, they are positively brimming!"
"I'll spoil their little holiday!" She said, hissing
"What fun will it be when everything's missing?"

She ran through the town with her cronies in tow,
Kicking down doors and windows and throwing things into the snow.
When they came to the last little house,
Callisto heard a sound like a squeaky little mouse.

"Hewwo misses Santa claus" said a little girl shyly.
Callisto stood before her with her entire bandit army.
"I'm not santa or his fat little wife,
"I'm going to take everything, maybe even your life!"

Callisto tossed aside little cindy-lou,
It was easy as she weighed only eighty-two.
She ramsacked the house and took everything there,
Right down to the last morsel of delicious jugged hare.

"Then on to the keep! The glorious keep!"
"There laies Xena and that annoying little creep!"
Callisto knocked ever so politely, and said with barely a peep,
"Hello, it's Miss Santa claus, can I come into the keep?"

The annoying blonde girl opened the door,
With a bang in the head she lay on the floor.
The army of thieves tore through the place,
Not even Xena could slow their pace

Callisto watched as the battle ensued.
Xena was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do.
She had been totally disarmed and was standing with dread,
Her sidekick had been disabled by a kick to the head.

Then Callisto heard a sound that started out slow,
She listened with interest as it started to grow.
From out of Xena's mouth came a battlecry so wild,
Soon many of the men were laied down in a pile.

"I don't beleive it!" said the christmas gift bagger,
"She's fighting without Chakrams, swords, or even a dagger!"
"She's taking them all with just a few kicks!"
To make matters worse she had grabbed a large pick

Callisto withdrew her sword and was about to attack,
When she saw a sight that made her step back.
There on the floor near a gaudy christmas tree,
Was a teddy bear, all white and fluffy.

"I bet it's been left for that spaz Gabrielle!"
"I'll set it on fire and send it to hell!"
She grabbed it with one hand and was about to light it,
When she stopped dead in her tracks and became very quiet.

"Stop that fighting! I don't care how!"
"We've got to give back what we've stolen and we've got to do it now!"
"Re-hang the decorations! Put back the mistletoe!
"I can't explain why, just do it!" she did bellow.

Xena and her recently recovered sidekick looked on in awe,
Could this be the same Callisto who had kicked Gabrielle in the Jaw?
The blonde warrior was a happy young fool,
Hugging everyone, especially the traumatized cindy-lou.

While the celebrations were going on, it was quite a scene.
The blonde warrior, as it turns out, was no where to be seen.
Was she scaring the children all tucked in their beds?
Was she walking in graveyards and cursing the dead?

No, Callisto was tucked in a corner all alone,
Tears fell from her eyes and in candlelight they shone.
As she read the tag on the teddy she didn't look at all glum,
"Callisto, I miss you very much. Love Mom".

--
"What kind of rides would Fabioland have?" -Pinky

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Short Title: TVShowXena1

Subject:      The Night Before Solstice
From:         XenaFandom@feedME
Date:         1997/12/25
Message-ID:   <34a2c05c.0@lightning.ica.net>
Newsgroups:   alt.tv.xena.creative,alt.feedme

This was sent to a mailing list.  I hope its alright to post it here.
I left in the copyright.

           THE NIGHT BEFORE SOLSTICE
                     or
             A VISIT FROM ST. XENA

'Twas the night before Solstice, and all the through the 'verse
Not a creature was stirring, for better or worse;
The chakrams were hung by the TV with care,
In hopes that the Warrior soon would be there;

The Xenites were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Xena-Plums danced in their heads;
And I, full of nutbread and eggnog on tap,
Had just settled my brain for a pre-Solstice nap,--

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew with a wooosh
But I tripped on a dolly and fell on my tush.

So I crawled to the window and saw the moon's light
Give a lustre of midday to objects in sight,
Allowing my wandering eyes to discover
A Warrior Princess's significant other,

With another one taller and looking much meaner
I knew in a moment it must be our Xener.
More rapid than eagles on horseback they came,
And she whistled and shouted and called it by name,

"Now Argo! Go Argo!" said the Warrior hard,
"Whoa Argo! Slow Argo!" said the horse-sick young bard.
So up to the housetop the valiant steed flew,
With the Warrior Princess--and Gabrielle, too.

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each massive hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney came Xena in one single bound.

She was dressed all in leather from her head to her toe,
So burnished and polished it gave off a glow;
The sack that she carried was marked MCA,
'Twas a new year of episodes, soon on their way!

Her eyes were so blue, a magnificent sight,
And her hair was as dark as the blackness of night.
Her sensuous mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And her teeth were as white as the new-fallen snow.

At her hip was a circle of holly, a wreath?
But under the leaves 'twas a chakram beneath.
She had marvelous thighs, and her breasts--oh, whoa Nellie!
They shook when she laughed like two bowls full of jelly!

I sighed when I saw her, in spite of myself,
And I feared that she might have my head on a shelf.
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word but went straight to work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger aside of her nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose.

With Gab at her back, she gave Argo a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle;
But I heard her exclaim, ere she rode out of sight,
"Happy Solstice to all, and to all a good night!"

                            Ritanserin
                               aka
                            James Fadden

copyright 1996 James S. P. Fadden
With acknowledgement to Clement C. Moore, author of  "A Visit From St. Nicholas"

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Short Title: TVShowXena2

Author:   KathyGGGHD
Email: kathyggghd@aol.com
Date: 1998/11/28
Forums: alt.tv.xena

'Twas the night before Solstice and all through the land
Not a creature was stirring, all but LoDuca's Band.
The weapons were hung by the tree with care
Knowing that Sentecles soon would be there.
Joxer was nestled, all snug on his bed,
while visions of nekkid bard's danced in his head.
And Gabrielle in her top and I in my leather.
Had just settled down for a long winter's slumber.

When out in the woods there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Into the woodswith my sword at the ready.
I moved through the brush on my feet so steady.
The moon was so bright it lit my way
to see things as if it were day.
When what to my keen eyesight should appear.
Joseph LoDuca and his band at the rear.

I watched them set up so lively and quick,
but Zeus they were noisy, they could wake up a stick.
As clumsy as Joxer the band they came.
They set up their instruments and Joe called them by name.
Now Ares, now Ceasar, now Najara, now Pompee.
On Callisto, on Cupid, on Dahok and Alti.
Pick up those instruments, treat them nice.
And be quiet, you're loud enough to wake Xena's lice.

As I scratch at my head while watching this group.
I decide they're not a threat and go back to my stoop.
On the way to the camp, I'm attacked from two sides.
Three baddies who think they caught me by suprise.
I pound them and bash them and defeat them with ease.
But as they run away scared, I hear music through the trees.
I go back to my blanket and lay right down.
I then work to remove Gabrielle's frown.

With my hand on her ab's I give a light stroke
But that music got loud and Joxer awoke.
He jumped out of bed with a clang and a shout.
Then I looked up and screamed, "Joxer, look out!"
For down through the trees, I saw something fall.
But when I looked again, there was nothing at all.
Gabby was sleeping and Joxer was flayling.
But that music was close and it wouldn't stop playing.

I went to the band to tell them to hush.
We are trying to sleep and prepare for the rush.
But we're here to help the story move along.
When you eat, fight, or sleep, we play a little song.
"Well that's just great!", I say with a glare.
"But you play so loud, you could wake up a bear!"
"It's Solstice night and we should all be asleep."
"Sentecles won't visit those with late hours to keep."

"Sentecles!", Joe said, "Hey, guys we need to pack!"
"Sentecles is coming and we need to get back."
The band packed up with a clatter and a clang.
I watched them leave then I heard a loud bang.
I run to the clearing and what do I see?
I hurry to wake Joxer and also Gabby.
From the band, a Solstice tree all glittery and bright.
With a note, "Happy Solstice to all and to all a Good Night!"

Kathy
"She's magnificent"


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Short Title: TVShowXFiles1

Subject:      An X-Files Christmas by Missy Pennington
From: josiechung@aol.com (JosieChung)
Date: 1997/12/03
Message-ID:   <19971203063100.BAA00617@ladder01.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.tv.x-files.creative

Classification:  Humor
Rating: G

Disclaimer:  Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions.
Santa Claus belongs to all the children of the world.  The EIBs belong to me.
:)    This is written and posted in fondest admiration for Clement C. Moore.

An X-Files Christmas
by Missy Pennington (JosieChung@aol.com)


'Twas the night before Christmas, in Washington town.
The FBI offices all had shut down.
But down in the basement, the X-Files division,
was still working late -- a last minute decision.

Two trenchcoats were thrown on the coat rack in haste;
there was no time to spare, not a moment to waste.
Aerial photos were spread through the room
and thick in the air hung a feeling of gloom.

Santa, it seemed, had gone missing this night.
With his journey begun, he had vanished from sight.
The satellite photos were very specific
Pinpointing the sleigh well above the Pacific.

It seemed to just vanish, with reindeer and toys,
leaving nothing to greet all the good girls and boys
who would wake in the morning and run to the tree
expecting to squeal with delight and with glee.

So Mulder sat down and began to search through
every paper and photo and possible clue.
While Scully examined the festive remains
of wrappings and trimmings and sleigh bells and reins.

They tirelessly worked, getting nowhere at all
in that small crowded room at the end of the hall.
Mulder's hands rubbed his temples, he couldn't deny it --
the hard part would be getting Scully to buy it.

He started, "I think that our mystery's solved.
I've concluded that E.B.E.'s must be involved--"
Scully held up her hand, "Mulder don't even start.
I know you're sincere, but I feel in my heart

that there's got to be more than just what we are seeing.
I refuse to believe it's an alien being!"
The standoff began, and they stood nose to chest,
each agent believing that their view was best.

And they might have been tempted to argue some more
but were stopped by the sound of someone at the door.
The partners looked up, and then took a step back
to allow for the entrance of two Elves in Black.

"Agents Mulder and Scully," the first one began,
"this problem's been solved; everything is in hand."
Scully looked at the elf, at his little black coat
not convinced in the least by the words that he spoke.

"Santa's fine," said the second.  "No trouble at all.
Just a technical problem -- we just got the call."
Mulder caught Scully's eye, shook his head just a bit,
knowing full well that these elves weren't legit.

So he ushered the elves out the door to the hall.
"Well that's good to know.  Thanks for sharing the call."
Scully looked at her partner as Fox closed the door.
"They were lying," she stated.  "There's got to be more.

You know I'm a skeptic, but this Christmas Eve,
I'm beginning to think that I'll have to believe . . ."
Her eyes filled with wonder, and then with dismay
at the thought of poor Santa Claus taken away.

But just as she started to think it was true
the FAA called to confirm what she knew:
that Santa was safe and the reindeer were fine
though they seemed to be missing a short span of time.

And they didn't know how they had gotten off track
(not to mention the toys that were gone from the pack!)
But his mission was well underway once again,
leaving Scully to ponder and Mulder to grin

at the whole situation they'd witnessed that night.
And then Scully turned, and to Mulder's delight
said, "Just for tonight, Mulder, I will believe.
"Everyone ought to have faith Christmas Eve."



I had a ball writing this one.  If you enjoyed it, please let me know I love
feedback.  Merry Christams!  :)


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Short Title: TVShowXFiles2

Subject: 'Twas the Night of the X-Files Premiere... 
Date: 11/05/2000 
Author: LMorri7339  
Newsgroup: alt.tv.x-files
 
'Twas the night of the X-Files Premiere,
And all over the 'net,
Not a 'Phile was lurking--they were camped by the TV set.
The VCR timer was set with extreme care,
In hopes that no unseen catastrophe would knock the network off air. 
 
When all of a sudden the time had arrived!
It was 8pm, Sunday night, and Season 8 was here!
And what to my wondering eyes should appear
But brand new opening credits, and boy did they look weird.
 
Then there was Scully determined and Skinner concerned,
Doggett so stern and Mulder? 
Don't know what was with the S & M torture chamber, but he is still not returned.
 
And then the night was over...the big mystery revealed?
Hell no, we'll still be looking for that for the next eight years! 
 
So Scully and Doggett are gone for another week,
And until then I'll lurk on the boards while everyone else freaks. 
 
And as the credits roll I think I hear Chris Carter call...
"'I made this!' so to hell with you all!"

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Short Title: TVShowXFiles3

Subject:      'Twas the Night after Redux
From:         spookigal@aol.com (SpookiGal)
Date:         1997/12/05
Message-ID:   <19971205031501.WAA03878@ladder01.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.tv.x-files.creative

Hiya.  My insomnia's been acting up again....and of course, that means so have I  ;)
I've been reading all the cool "Night before Christmas" spoofs around, and I
wanted to get in on the fun.
This poem doesn't really have much of anything to do with Christmas....it's
just a parody about season 5 told from a shipper POV.  So...there's shippy junk
ahead and lots of it!  Consider yourself warned ;)

Disclaimer:  Mulder, Scully, and other XF characters belong to CC.  This ain't
meant to infringe on nothing.  I'm just an obsessed X-phile with no life of her
own making goofy posts.

Spoilers:  Redux, Detour, PMP

If this kind of thing gets archived, feel free to archive it as long as my
E-mail addy and the disclaimer stay attatched.


          'Twas the Night after Redux
      (a parody of Clement C. Moore's "A Visit from St. Nicholas")

Twas the night after Redux part two had just aired
The shippers were happy, NoRoMo's were scared
The episode that had just aired was quite 'shippy
And it left us romantics feeling quite trippy

Our FBI hero was under some stress
His Scully was dying, his life was a mess
He breached some alarms using a stolen card
He'd do anything, no matter how hard

He searched high and low for a cure to give
And sat by her bedside, praying she'd live
Not once, and not twice, but three times a kiss
That may or may not have been right on the lips

We knew good and well that he cared for her deeply
From the way that he clutched her while talking so sweetly
When he said that her cancer'd gone into remission
His ear to ear smile confirmed our suspicion

Away to the 'puter I flew like a flash
To the X-files forum I made a mad dash
This new episode was the attention center
And things could not possibly be any better

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear
Then an ep called Detour, shippy scene crystal clear
The plot was OK, and the monster was neat
Then the log scene came up, and we got quite a treat

Him in her arms, it was the sweetest thing
And at his request, she was starting to sing
"Joy to the World" as she gazed at the moon
And we shippers were singing the very same tune

A new black and white ep was next on the list
And rumors were warning it shouldn't be missed
A real shippy scene waiting at the tail end
That shows M and S may be more than just friends

By the TV I sat, waiting still as a rock
Watching the shows pass and watching the clock
On newscasts! On Simpsons! On King of the Hill!
I want to move on to my X-Files thrill

When scene finally aired, what I'd heard were no lies
The way that they gazed into eachothers eyes
Holding eachother and dancing about
Then facing the camera as the scene faded out

Our skeptical girl and our fave spooky guy
Tune in just once and you'll see the sparks fly
The relationship here, it's so perfect and right
Happy viewing to all, and to all a good night


Peace,
Kitt
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 Kitt (spookigal@aol.com).  X-phile, MSTie, and certified psycho.  = 
 Yes, I am one of them shipper types. (Deal with it, pinkboy! )
 

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Short Title: TWA

from http://www.ncia.net/users/campbell/old/xmas.html

                              A TWA Christmas
                                      
          Twas the night before Christmas, When all over the plane
              Not a fuel tank was stirring, Not even the main

                  The pilot was watching as Santa flew by
            And he noticed the sleigh lights illuminate the sky
                                      
             He caught them on radar as they departed his view
              To the North Pole they headed, The pilot did too
                                      
                A calm Christmas evening high up in the sky
               They all ate their dinners (sandwiches on rye)
                                      
          But the passengers were unaware of their unpleasant fate
                For vapors were forming at an abnormal rate
                                      
           But disaster would strike if the main tank was stirred
             For wires were frayed and a large creak was heard
                                      
                A maintenance mistake was probably to blame
             But the FAA investigators would make up some claim
                                      
              The pilot was oblivious to the catastrophe near
              And stirred the front tank, Followed by the rear
                                      
                 The main tank was next but he heard a bang
                 As he turned around, the secret phone rang
                                      
                He answered the phone and said Hi, its Mitch
           Then he turned towards the panel, flipping the switch
                                      
                 The turbines stirred but the wires did arc
              Igniting the vapors, All from that little spark!
                                      
                The main tank exploded with such great force
              It sent the plane reeling on a brand new course
                                      
              The decent was rapid, The ground closed in quick
                  A fleeting sensation denounced St. Nick
                                      
            The families were called and an investigation began
               The whole thing was headed by the FBI chairman
                                      
             The investigation was closed the first of the year
            But I heard ol St. Nick caused trouble with the MIR.
                                      
                           © 1997 Elliot Campbell

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Short Title: UKGamesVideoMisc

From: Sir Chewbury Gubbins (chewbury.gubbins@nelefa.org)
Subject: Season's Greetings 
Newsgroups: uk.games.video.misc
Date: 2003-12-24 08:52:49 PST 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas in UGVM
Even Cargill was silent (unusual for him)
The gamepads were lying unplugged on the floor
The xbox was off, propping open a door
The gamecube lay quiet the playstation too
Fathippy was upstairs laying waste to the loo.

In the still of the night came a rap at the door
causing skid (in his undies) to wake in mid snore
he padded downstairs to see what was amiss
(kicking Isobelle's cat (who then gave him a hiss))
he unlocked the front door and looked into the night
Unprepared, as he was, for the forthcoming sight.

Out there, in the snow, wreathed in robes of bright red
Was the deKay of christmas with a box on his head
Two eyeholes were cut so he'd see where he went
But the rest of his face was the way God had meant
(Obscured from the view of the terrified skid)
Skid gibbered and capered and wibbled then hid.

Poor skid didn't quite know what he should do next
So he phoned up nintendo and shouted (quite vexed)
"It's your bloody fault I've been dragged from my bed
to be greeted by a loony with a box on his head"
And while he was busy talking pish down the phone
TEH deKay walked in and made himself quite at home.

He dragged poor old fathippy down from the bog
(where he'd spent the last hour curling off a huge log)
He lurched up to Gorfy and slapped him about
with a small santa-beanie wrapped up in a trout
He clutched at SjT with a black twisted claw
then pounced at TEH CAGRILL and BROKE HIS FUCKING JAW.

Spinning round and around with demonic good cheer
he snatched up all the pressies, the fags, and the beer
he stuffed them all into his copious sack
then though better of it and put them all back
he went back to the front door and locked it up fast
fired up Ikaruga and gave it a blast.

And when he was done he sprang onto the roof
pointed down at poor skid and proclaimed him a poof
With a toss of his head and a wink of his eye
He summoned his transport and off he did fly
"Come Jambo come Chewbury come  Kramer come Fry
come Boggis come Nathan come Trooper come Schnide"
From the top of the group to the top of the year
TREAT DEKAY WITH RESPECT AND PH33R


Merry Christmas from the Gubbins Estate
Choobs

-- 
Sir Chewbury Gubbins 
Knight of the Wholly Gnarly Widget
http://www.nelefa.org
Post a follow-up to this message


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Last Modified January 7, 2007