Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 41 of 50
January 7, 2007

Compiled by: Matthew Monroe

Archived at:

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.


Short Title: RudolphsNightOff

Subject:      season's greetings
From: (Rebecca Logan)
Date:         1997/12/24
Message-ID:   <>
Newsgroups:   alt.recovery.aa


'Twas the night before Christmas and Rudolph was lame!
The vet from the North Pole said, "Footrot's to blame.
I'll give him some sulfa, it's the best I can do
But stall rest is needed the next week or two."
"Great Scott!" cried old Santy, he turned with a jerk,
"I won't git through Pierre if my headlights don't work!
On Interstate 40 I'll surely get fined
And lost in Montana if I'm flying blind!"

"No cop in his right mind would give any clout
To a geezer who claimed that his reindeer went out!"
He gathered the others, ol' Donner and Blitzen,
Were any among 'em whose nose was transmitzen?
They grunted and strained and sure made a mess
But no noses glowed brightly or ears luminesced.
"It's bad luck in bunches," cried Santy, distressed,
"We'll fly Continental, the Red Eye Express!"

"I'll just check the schedule," he put on his glasses
When up stepped 'ol Billy, the goat from Lampasasas.
He shivered and shook like a mouse on the Ark
But his horns were a beacon...They glowed in the dark!
Santy went crazy!  He asked, "Why?" with a smile
"I just ate a watch with a radium dial!
Where I come from in Texas we don't have thick hide
My skin is so thin it shines through from inside."

"If that's true then let's feed him!" cried Santy with glee
"Gather everything burnin' and bring it to me!"
So Billy ate flashbulbs and solar collectors,
Electrical eels and road sign reflectors,
Firecracker sparklers, a Lady Schick shaver
And Lifesavers, all of em' wintergreen flavor,
Jelly from phophorescellous fish,
Day Glow pizza in a glittering dish,

Fireflies and candles and stuff that ignites,
Then had him a big bowl of Northering Lights!
He danced on the rug and petted the cat
And after he'd finished and done all of that
To store up the static 'lectricity better
They forced him to eat two balloons and a sweater!
Then he opened his mouth, light fell on the floor,
Like the fridge light comes on when you open the door!

His Halloween smile couldn't be better drawn
When he burped accidently, his high beams kicked on!
"Hitch him up!" cried ol' Santy, and they went on their way.
I remember that Christmas to this very day
The sky was ablaze with the stars shining bright.
They were shooting and falling all through the night.
And I realize now, though my fingers are crossed,
What I really was seein'...was ol' Billy's exhaust!
     --Baxter Black--

Becky L
Western Washington 5/25/88


Short Title: RV

From: HHamp5246 (hhamp5246@aol.comnospam)
Subject: Re: OT - Political Correctness Has Gone Too Far 
Newsgroups: rec.outdoors.rv-travel
Date: 2002-12-08 09:16:08 PST 

I guess it's time to pull this out of storage....


'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land
RVers were sleeping in their great big tin cans.
The stockings were hung by the fridge with great care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While memories of family trips danced in their heads.
And Ma in her sweater and I in my shorts
Were watching TV - a show of some sorts.

When out in our campsite there arose such a clatter,
I sprung from the gaucho to see what's the matter.
To the window I flew, heart full of fear.
I pulled up the blinds to see what was near.

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a giant red sleigh and a bunch of reindeer!
When I saw the driver I realized real quick
This must be the ever so famous St. Nick!

Faster than Dodge Dualies his coursers did tow,
And no hint of sway, not even in snow!
He looked at his team and started to bellow.
He had a loud voice, this Santa Claus fellow!

"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen,
On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen!
To the roof of that trailer, to the top of them all,
Dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

So up on my trailer those reindeer, they flew!
With a sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas, too.
Then, in a twinkling, up on my roof,
I heard the prancing of all those big hooves!

"The roof will cave in, we're all going to die!"
I thought of insurance and started to cry.
I got it together and was turning around,
When from the bathroom there came a strange sound.

A thumping came out of the toilet that night,
Old Santa had come down the wrong darn vent pipe!
I opened the dump valve and out Santa came,
Covered with substances I don't care to name.

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
He was magically cleaned - there was nothing to dread.
A bundle of toys he had with him, cinched tight.
He looked just like my wife on laundry night.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He filled all our stockings, and turned with a jerk.
Then turning the crank while standing on his toes,
He gathered himself up and out the roof vent he rose.

He jumped in his sleigh, to his team gave a holler,
And away they all flew - just like RVing dollars!
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Originally posted here by Dudley.


Short Title: SallyClaus

   The Night Before Christmas
   (As Told by Santa Claus)
    by Percy Ross, Timothy D. Kehr, and John M. Maddock
    from Percy's newspaper column "Thanks a Million"

 'Twas the night before Christmas...a year 'go this night.
 I hurried and scurried to get on my flight.
 Warned my Sally Claus as I ran to the door,
 "Careful, dear, watch out, I just waxed the floor!"

 "Oh?" I whoaed, feeling me starting a slip,
 And, "Whoa!" as I flipped to the floor on my hip!
 The table went flying into the air,
 As well as the dishes, the cups and the chairs.

 Before I could utter another loud shout,
 Crashing about me they knocked me right out!
 Sally came running from hearing the smash-up,
 but I lay there a helpless and hapless crash-up

 A few minutes later, I woke up in bed,
 Sally was wrapping some gauze 'round my head.
 I tried to get up but the hurt wouldn't let me.
 "Sally..." I moaned, "Have the elves come to get me?"

 "No, dear," said she, "You must stay till you're well."
 "What about Christmas?!" I rang like a bell!
 "Now is the night I must go on my rounds,
 Taking the present to cities and towns!"

 The sleigh was all packed, and the reindeer were ready,
 The elves had to quiet and hold them down steady.
 Sally's eyes widened, "Say, how 'bout the elves?"
 I groaned, "They can't handle the sleigh by themselves!"

 Doing the magical deeds that I can?
 Why, taking my place would sure take quite the man!
 "Well, call in the elves to come here to my bed.
 They can unpack all the presents," I said.

 Sally Claus did so, and when they came to me,
 I told them what happened, and they looked so gloomy.
 "S-S-Santa!" they stuttered. "No presents this year?"
 "Sorry..." I whispered, and they cried, "Oh, dear!"

 "Isn't there someone," they pleaded, "to try?"
 "Nary a person..." I breathed with a sigh.
 "There is no time left, it's now Christmas Eve.
 Would that I could, even I'm late to leave."

 While we were speaking and seeking an answer,
 Loud came a shouting, "Up Dancer and Prancer!
 Up Comet! Up Cupid! Go Donner and Blitzen!
 Rudolph, now lead! On Dasher and Vixen!"

 I turned to the elves, and they all turned to me,
 Each of us wondering, "Who could that be?"
 Maybe a hero? Or could be a gangster!
 I cried, "What if it is a mean, mischievous prankster?

 "Meanwhile, have Sally brew us up some tea.
 We must give though to this strange mystery.
 Ask her to join us, out thoughts are confused.
 She's good at minding her P's and her Q's."

 They came back puffing: "She's not in her chair,
 Not in the kitchen, we looked everywhere.
 We went outside, and we ran all around,
 Searching and calling! "She's not to be found!"

 Early next morning, we stirred to a tingling.
 Far off the sound of faint sleigh-bells came jingling!
 Rushing the windows and leaning the sills,
 Scanning, we squinted the bright North Pole hills.

 "Surprise!" Sally shouted, "I had so much fun!
 I did it! I did it! And didn't miss one!"
 "Sally!" I got up and rushed to her side,
 "Sally, you're home, I'm so happy!" I cried.

 "Each Christmas," she chided, "When you flew away,
 You didn't return here for most of the day.
 But I, for the first time..." she started to laugh,
 "Delivered the presents in less time than half!"

 What could I tell her? What she said was true.
 I don't know how she could do it, do you?
 Maybe I'll find out tonight when we ride...
 This Christmas Eve, she'll be right by my side.

 "And they waved with this wish as they flew out of sight:
 Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


Short Title: Samhain

From: Turtle (turtleofoz@aol.comedy)
Subject: Night Before Samhain (FLUFF) (longish) 
Newsgroups: soc.religion.paganism
Date: 1999/10/29 
Found by a friend of mine on a web site, which he didn't send the link to. 
Hope you all enjoy it.

Night Before Samhain

'Twas the evening of Samhain, and all through the place
were pagans preparing the ritual space.
The candles were set in the corners with care,
in hopes that the Watchtowers soon would be there.

We all had our robes on (as is habitual)
and had just settled down and were starting our ritual
when out on the porch there arose such a chorus
that we went to the door, and waiting there for us
were children in costumes of various kinds
with visions of chocolate bright in their minds.
In all of our workings, we'd almost forgot,
but we had purchased candy (we'd purchased a LOT),

And so, as they flocked from all over the street,
they all got some chocolate or something else sweet.
We didn't think twice of delaying our rite,
Kids just don't have this much fun every night.

For hours they came, with the time-honored schtick
of giving a choice: a treat or a trick.
As is proper, the parents were there for the games,
Watching the children and calling their names.

"On Vader, On Leia,
On Dexter and DeeDee,
On Xena, on Buffy,
Casper and Tweety!

To the block of apartments
on the neighboring road;
You'll get so much candy,
you'll have to be TOWED!"

The volume of children eventually dropped,
and as it grew darker, it finally stopped.
But as we prepared to return to our rite,
One child more stepped out of the night.

She couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen.
Her hair was deep red, and her robe, forest green
with a simple gold cord tying off at the waist.
She'd a staff in her hand and a smile on her face.

No make-up, nor mask, or accompanying kitsch,
so we asked who she was; she replied "I'm a witch.
And no, I don't fly through the sky on my broom;
I only use that thing for cleaning my room.

My magical powers aren't really that neat,
but I won't threaten tricks; I'll just ask for a treat."
We found it refreshing, so we gave incense cones,
A candle, a crystal, a few other stones,

And the rest of the candy (which might fill a van).
She turned to her father (a man dressed as Pan)
and laughed, "Yes, I know, Dad, it's past time for bed,"
and started to leave, but she first turned and said

"I'm sorry for further delaying your rite.
Blessed Samhain to all, and a magical night."

Copyright (c) 1999 by Cather Steincamp
A Blessed Samhain to you and yours...

(Millennium, Schmillennium.)
Mind the spam trap.


Short Title: SantaRobbery1

From: Larry (larryinatlanta@aol.comnojunk)
Subject: T'was Two Nights Before Christmas 
Date: 2000-12-22 00:12:21 PST 
A little poem for my NG friends at Christmas....just for a laugh...
(a remake of T'was The Night Before Christmas)

T'was two nights before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
I'd worn them a month, and they needed the air.

The children were spending the night with their granny,
The one with the wart and the great big wide fanny,
And ma in her nightie and I in my pants
Had just settled in for some peaceful romance.

When out in the den there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away down the hallway I flew like a bat,
I searched for the lightswitch but tripped and fell flat.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave lustre of mid-day to my poor stubbed toe,
When what to my wondering eyes should I see,
But a whole bunch of elves just staring at me.

There was one in particular whose knees were quite knobby,
Who was sitting in front of my ancient Knabe,
More rapid than Mozart his fingers they flew,
And he whistled and shouted as he played what he knew;

"Negligente! Nocturne! Ostinato! Ardente!"
"Agitato! Burlando! Stepitoso, Impaziente!"
"From the start of the fugue to the end of the canon,
We will play this piano, but we won't do no Hanon!"

And as dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When I switched on the light they all flew to the sky,
As I tried to remember what I'd eaten that night,
In the hopes of determining what caused this weird sight,

I was stopped in my tracks by a sound on the roof,
And it was that exact moment my libido went poof.
As I drew in my hand and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

When he saw me he turned just as white as his beard,
You could see in his eyes it was me that he feared,
"What are you doing home?" with a slight nervous grin,
"I was just passing through....uh...would SWIRTO be in?"

My eyes how they blazed! My dimples were squaring,
My cheeks were red hot, and my nose holes were flaring,
My mouth was all twisted up in a tight knot,
And the top of my head was exceedingly hot.

The stump of his pipe I shoved into his teeth,
You could see little stars ‘round his head like a wreath,
I popped in his face, and I punched in his belly,
And he shook when he fell like a bowl full of jelly.

By the time SWIRTO got there I thought he was dead,
And she laughed when she saw it and just shook her head,
"What have you two been up to?" I said with a shout,
And then sat on the piano bench ready to pout.

"He's not the real Santa," she said, "So don't fear."
"I've seen him while shopping.....I think it was Sears."
"The kids must have told him the way to our house,
While reading their wish list, so don't be a grouse."

"Just call the police and they'll take him away,
And then come back to bed, ‘cause it's been a long day."
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
And opened the back door and through out the jerk.

The cold snow awoke him, up the driveway he flew,
But he met with a cruiser who was flashing his blue,
And the officer yelled and he blew on his whistle,
Then they drove him away like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim as they drove out of sight,
"I'll be back again SWIRTO! I just picked the wrong night!"

(*SWIRTO: She whom I refuse to obey)
Merry Christmas!

Larry Fletcher
Pianos Inc
Atlanta GA


Short Title: SantaRobbery2

From: Anonymous
Sent: Friday, February 17, 2006 12:43 PM

Santa Robbery Night Before Christmas (in da 'hood)

Wuz da night befoe Chrima,
An' all over de flats,
E'body wuz cribin,
Even de rats.

We'z hung up our stockins,
An' hope like de heck,
Dat 'ol Sanny Claus,
Wuz gonna bring us our check.

All of de family,
Wuz la' in up in der beds,
While thunderbird wine,
Danced in der heads.

I waked up from my sleep,
I'z passed out on de flaw,
An' I hearded such a fuss,
I thought it mus be de law.

I lookt out in de skreet,
An' said lawd, look at dat,
It's a huge watermelou,
Pulled by giant wharf rats.

See all t'rue de years,
Sanny Claus, He be white,
But us bro's gon hab us,
A black Sanny Claus da night.

Faster dan a police cah,
His wharf rats dey came,
An he whisted an' shouted,
An' calt dem by name.

On Leroy! On Rosevelt! On
Booker'T An' James Lewis,
On Spike! On Tyrone, On
Allonso, An' Demetrious!

Day pulled dat watermelou,
Out of de screet,
An' into de "project",
from de trash cans de eat.

He didn't go down no chimnea,
But picked de lock on de doe,
And I seez to myself,
Dis bro's done dis befoe!

He picked up my cam'r
An' my new vcr - uh,
An' my fuzzy red dice,
Dat i han in my car - uh,

I knew whut hez doin',
My stuff all be hot,
He gonna change it,
For stuff dat wuz not.

Wit my stuff in his bag,
Out de window he flew,
I wait f' him to come back,
With my stuff dat be new.

But ha ain't come back,
Dat son-of bitch,
He jumped on he wa'melou,
And pulled out a switch,

He slapped on dem rats,
And blew outta here,
Been dun stole all my stuff,
An' drunk all my beer.

Next year I'm hopin'
A white Sanny Claus be it,
Cuz a black Sanny Claus,
Just ain't wurf a shit!


Short Title: SaudiArabia

Subject:      Christmas across the pond Humor
From:         "Dandalion" 
Date:         1997/12/17
Message-ID:   <6780h7$>
Newsgroups:   alt.humor.jewish

Once it starts, there's just no stopping it! Again from my mum, goodness
only knows where she found it...

For those who are celebrating Christmas in Saudi Arabia!

'Twas the night before the holidays and all through the land,
Not a creature was stirring not one grain of sand.
The stockings were hung on the tent lines with care,
In hope that the fat man soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in the sand,
with ripe juicy dates clutched tight in each hand.

And I in my ghutra and Ma in her veil,
had just settled down to a long winter's tale.
When out on the dunes there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off the carpet to see what was the matter.

Away out the tend door I flew like a flash,
and watched as they landed with a bump, thump & crash.
The light on the humps of eight camels outside,
gave a luster of midday to each sandy hide.

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a shinny Toyota attached to their rear.
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be old Nick.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stocking then turned with a jerk.
He looked at me clearly and gave me a wink,
then took off for his truck before I could think.

How did he find us in this foreign land?
How could he see us lost in the sand?
Then I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Many thoughts from afar are with you tonight!"


Short Title: Scalpers

Subject:      A SCALPERS X-MAS (humor)
From: (BRS75056)
Date:         1997/12/14
Message-ID:   <>


'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through TRU,
The scalpers were searching for an "investment" or two.
Their vans were parked in the lot by the door,
They dropped off one load then went back for more.

Treasure Hunt's were thrown in their carts with great haste,
Limit Two? Yea right -- no time to waste.
Running, skipping, dancing in the aisles,
Knocking over stockboys, grabbing cars by the pile!

Then, from the front door, there arose such a clatter.
The night manager ran out to see what was the matter.
He ran to entry and what should appear?
It looked like Santa, with red suit and white beard!

As the manager walked closer, he slowed down because,
By the way Santa walked, no ordinary Santa this was!
He had a range finder above his eye through which he surveyed the store,
Under the red suit was armor, his boots clanked the floor!

As the manager watched, Santa moved down one aisle,
To where the scalpers were standing, each one with a smile.
But as Santa approached, their smiles disappeared,
Their eyes grew beady, their mouths became sneers.

"Too bad for you Santa," they said with a moan,
"Get your own cars, leave our collectibles alone.
You've got all the toys you want, made by your elves,
So leave us alone to clean these off the shelves."

"As you wish", Santa said as he raised his right arm,
The Wookie scalps dangled! His sawed-off blaster was armed!
The scalpers' eyes widened, their jaws dropped in fright.
Santa moved the blaster, placing each one in his sights.

"The matter is simple, these toys are for kids.
But you're selling them at flea markets or, accepting high bids!
You're providing a service? A service to who?
Well, here's where it ends. Here's what you will do:"

You'll put these toys back, all in their right places.
You'll hand them to parents and put smiles on their faces.
These things you will do and if I hear 'no'..."
Santa nodded toward his blaster and said, "Let's go".

Most scalpers ran, a few in fear walked.
As the manager watched, his shelves were restocked!
When they were finished, they all ran out the door.
For the first time in months, not a scalper in the store!

His work at TRU finished, a job well done,
Santa exited the store and climbed into Sleigh-1.
As the ship raised from the ground, the manager heard sung,
"Happy collecting to all and Hot Wheel's for everyone.

(Author unknown, slightly edited from original version)


Short Title: School

From Mon Sep  7 18:58:36 1998
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1998 16:56:04 -0400

    Twas the Night Before School

'Twas the night before school started
when all through the town
The parents were cheering
It was a riotous sound

By eight the kids were washed
and tucked into bed
When memories of homework
filled them with dread

New pencils, new folders,
new notebooks, too
New teachers, new friends-
their anxiety grew

The parents just giggled when they
learned of this fright
And shouted upstairs-

List Site:


Short Title: SchoolDaze

From: Marcy Owens
Date: 12/22/02


'Twas the days before Christmas,
And all through the school,
The teachers were trying
To just keep their cool.

The hallways were hung
With Christmas art
(Some made in November
to get a head start!)

The children were bouncing
Off ceilings and walls,
And seemed to forget
How to walk in the halls.

When out of the teacher's lounge
With "holiday shirts"
And "jingle bell jewels,"
The teachers looked festive
Enforcing the rules.

Suddenly, from down the hallway
There came such a chatter,
The principal went in
To see what was the matter.

The teachers were hiding
And trying to refuel,
On coffee and cookies
And treats from the Yule.

When what to their wondering
Ears do they hear,
But the ringing of school bells
- It's the children they fear!

More rapid than reindeer
The little ones came,
And the teachers all shouted
And called them by name;

Walk, Vincent! Walk, Tanner!
Walk, Tyler and Sammy!
Sit, Jamie! Sit, Laura!
Sit, Tara and Tammy!

To your desks in the room!
To your spots in the line!
Now walk to them! Walk to them!
No running this time!

So straight to their places
The children all went.
With fear of detention
Where they could be sent.

With manuals of lessons
Cradled in arms,
The teachers began
To use all their charms.

But the lessons presented
All fell on deaf ears.
The children were thinking
Of Santa's reindeer!

With a toss of their hands
They put manuals aside,
Went straight to the cupboards
Where videos hide.

And laying their finger
On the TV remote
They sat back to write
Their last Christmas note.

But you could hear them exclaim
At the end of the day -
Have a wonderful, happy and

Debbie Dillon


Short Title: SchoolFinals1

From: Odd Erling N. Eriksen (
Subject: 'twas the night before finals 
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Date: 2002-12-16 07:54:45 PST 

  This is an old one, but still - for those who are studying, it captures 
  the present mood better than any other poem I've ever read. :-)

'Twas the Night Before Finals.

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
Then all of a sudden,
He started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes!  On Crib Notes!
On last year's exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And last minute crams!"

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."

 - Chad W. Sclove


Short Title: SchoolFinals2

Subject: the night before the final 
Date: 08/10/2000 
Author: Venu Kolavennu  
Newsgroup: ucb.class.cs61b 

Twas the night before the final and all thru soda,
Not a computer was logged into, not even boroda.
The students at home, all studious and prepared,
Were pondering"hmm will Brudno lower the grading scale?" 
As I walked thru 275 sat down and kicked back,
I wondered to myselfwas it all ending just like that?
Feels but yesterday I was working on minimax, 
And but the day before I was learning about stacks,
Countless hours I had spent here on second floor,
Many during the day, but in the night, even more.
As I sat back and reminisced about the last 8 weeks,
I realized it was fun, though at times there was grief.
And as I got up to leave Soda hall,
I remembered the times of stress, the times of fun, and all,
And then headed on my way toward Northgate,
When I remembered, shit......i still got a final to take.


Short Title: SchoolFinals3

From: FunkyM (
Subject: Re: From Funky with love 
Date: 2002-12-06 09:00:27 PST 

That time of year is almost here again. You know what FunkyM is taking about.
Exam time! Every year at this time, FunkyM is reminded of his favourite exam
time. He wrote a little poem about it:

'Twas the night before exams, and all through my bed,
Not a creature was sleeping, my eyes felt like lead;
The stockings were tossed on the floor with care,
In hopes that my mother would soon see them there;

But my parents were nestled all snug in their beds,
While nightmares of calculus danced in my head;
With my energy fading, and my stomach a growl,
I knew it wouldn't be long until I threw in the towel,

I leaped down the stairs, ran to the refrigerator quick,
Turned on the television, pressed a button and click.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a bottle of vodka and eight cans of beer!

After that the night was a blur, I slept right through work,
My head was a throbbing when I awoke with a jerk.
And as I tried to remember what I studied last night, 


Short Title: SchoolOrals


                        'Twas the Night Before Orals
                        Written for Christine Smith 
        by Diane Penkoff, Assistant Professor, at Purdue University.
           'Twas the night before orals; The pacing was frantic.
               'Twas no time for quarrels Or similar antics.
            The disk drives were humming. The lamps were ablaze.
            But thoughts were not coming! The brain was a-daze.
                Alone at the books, The haggard soul gazed,
         Staring down with blank looks, More than slightly amazed.
             This new hill to climb Just grew bigger and higher
                 While one at a time, Family member tired.
               All judgment regressed. Cognition grew bleary.
               Was ANOVA a test One could use in comm theory?
            What was that about t-tests And significance levels?
           Was pooled variance best When reporting those devils?
                 And rhetorical studies--So much to recall!
             Who were Cicero's buddies? Were they orators all?
             Foucault! And Quintillian! And Fisher! And Burke!
                There must be a million Huge bodies of work!
           What about the committee? Is it not cool to feed 'em?
         Should one try to be witty? Does one dare try to lead 'em?
               Then suddenly, there On the bookcase appeared
            A man small and spare With a glist'ning white beard.
              He smoked a clay pipe And seemed jolly and spry,
             With a joke growing ripe In the gleam of his eye.
            He was a strange sight 'Cause although he was hairy,
            He'd wand and wings white! Was he warlock or fairy?
             "You think I look odd," He said, puffing his pipe,
               "But a lithe girlish bod Is mere stereotype!"
              "My sex," he said, "varies And may seem a bender
            But fair's fair for fairies, By race and by gender."
            "I'm your quals good luck fairy, Despite being male.
              Though orals are scary, You simply can't fail."
              "I'm spreading my magic," Said he with a smirk.
                "Quals cannot be tragic, Or I'd be a jerk!"
               Then with a great gust, He brandished his wand
               And spread fairy dust To make the spell bond.
        "Go forth, child, and dazzle. Your committee will pass you.
             There's no need to frazzle No one can harass you."
             Then conferring a smile And a rather sharp stare,
               He disappeared while Puffing smoke in the air.
          He was gone in a twinkling, But within those four walls
            He bequeathed a slight inkling Of life after quals.
              A lingering phrase, Though the fairy'd departed,
              Hung about like a haze And this wisdom imparted:
                "For sanity's sake, You deserve a vacation,
            Which you just cannot take Until post-dissertation!"


Short Title: SchoolSpecialNeedsChildren

From: Angela Cimmino (acimmino@HSC.VCU.EDU)
Subject: FW: Twas the night before Christmas 
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.down-syn
Date: 2002-12-12 10:22:15 PST 

I'm mostly a lurker here, but thought I would share this. It came from
local listserv for education advocacy here in Virginia, and since it was
indicated that it was ok to share (no one knows who the author is), I
thought I would do just that...

Happy Holidays to all,
Angela, Mom to Madelyn (3 yo, nda) and Neil (10 mos old, ds)

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, December 10, 2002 11:15 PM
Subject: Special Ed? FW: Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the schools
No students were present to break any rules
The budget was written and every dime spent
with no one quite sure where it all went

The school board was snuggled all safe in their beds
While visions of budget increases danced in their heads
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter
They leaped from their beds to see what was the matter

Away to the board room they went in a dash
too see who it was that threatened the cash
And there before them who did appear
With issues they thought finished this year

Once more before them plainly to see
Were parents of children they called ESE
We've done this before and we were quite clear
So once again tell us why you are here

One of them stepped forward and soon was apparent
That this person before them was one informed parent.
The presentation was prepared with great thought and care
With federal law quotes that brought them great glares

With a voice loud and clear they were all called by name
These are not new laws and the meaning is plain
IDEA, ADA, LRE, and, 504
It is time to remind you just like before

We wish you good tidings great hope and good cheer
The time for inclusion is finally here
Why won't you listen to this our plight
To be included is not privilege but right

We want them included right from the start
To become part of the whole and not kept apart
We want them included and yes all means all
Don't make them feel different don't make them feel small

For such a long time the seed has been planted
why do we still struggle for what to others is granted
No not right now but we'll tell you when
We've heard that same story again and again

So on this the holiest of nights
we say inclusion is not privilege but right
and on this issue we firmly do stand
the rights of our children we do now demand

As the meeting concluded ending the night
It was heard.........



Short Title: SchoolWeekBeforeChristmas

   The Week Before Christmas
    Written by: Joyce Luke

 'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
 Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
 The children were busy with paper and paste;
 The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

 The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
 Had just settled down to work with her dears,
 When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
 up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

 Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
 The one who was leading went down with a crash.
 Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
 But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

 When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
 She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
 She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
 But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

 "Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
 Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
 Now get to your places get away from the hall
 Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

 As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
 The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
 They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
 Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

 First came a basket of popcorn to string
 -Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
 As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
 The pupils were merrily romping about.

 The state they were in could lead to a riot;
 The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
 Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
 The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

 The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
 It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
 The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
 But the children ignored it; they did every year.

 A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
 Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
 She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
 Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

 But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
 Then came the bell and the children were free.
 Their shrill little voices soon faded away
 And peace was restored at the end of the day.
 As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
 She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!


Short Title: ScienceFiction


	'Twas the Night Before Christmas
     by David A. Tarr
     Published in OMNI in December 1979

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through my home,
Not a creature was stirring not even my clone.
The test tubes were hung by the burner with care,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.

The androids were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions on mc2 danced in their heads.
My wife in her jumpsuit, and I in my vest,
Had just settled down to some drug induced rest.

When out by the labs there arose such a clatter,
My bed woke me up to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I hastened my mass,
Tore open the blast shields, and threw up the glass.

The refraction of moonlight through smog-ridden air
Gave a luster of midday to everything there,
When what to my bionic eyes did appear,
But a mass driven sleigh with some strange landing gear,

With a quick little pilot, a company man,
who did what was asked and followed the plan.
More rapid that phantoms, his coursers they came.
He impulsed his crewmen, and called them by name.

"Now Redox! Now Hewlett! Now Quasar and Photon!
"On laser! On Xerox! On Pulsar and Proton!
"To the top of the dome by the air intake vent.
"Now dash away quickly before our fuel's spent"

So, up to the air vent his coursers they flew,
With a craft full of toys and Saint Nicholas, too.
And then, in a flash, on the dome I hear
The scratching and scraping of stout landing gear.

I steadied my blaster, my chest to the ground,
And then, through the air vent, he came with a bound.
He was dressed in a three-piece he'd rented near here,
(why purchase and outfit you wear once a year?)

A life support system he wore on his back,
While the toys for the 'droids he took out of his pack.
A bottle of Synthroid he held in his hand.
(He was quite overweight from a poor thyroid gland)

He brought out the toys that department stores sell;
The elves at the Pole couldn't make them as well.
He checked with the base ship, while doing his work,
And filled all the test tubes, then turned with a jerk.

His anti-grav belt was secure, I suppose,
And pressing the key's up the air vent he rose.
He sprang to his craft, to the crew gave a shout;
The ship heaved a shudder, then blasted them out.

But I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good flight!"


Short Title: SciMedDiseasesLyme1

From:         "Donna Herrell" 
Date:         1997/12/11
Message-ID:   <66p8hf$8vq$>

For My Friends,.... Happy Holidays.
(A Lyme rendition of the 1823 classic)


Twas' the night before Christmas,
when all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring,
not a white-footed mouse.

The IV bags were hung,
by the poles with care.
In hopes that St. Doctor
soon would be there.

The child patients were nestled
all snug in their beds.
While visions of antibiotics
danced in their heads.

And Ma' in her night sweats,
and I in my pain.
Had just settled down
for a long winters nap.

When out on the lawn
there arose such a clatter.
I limped from my bed
to see what was the matter.

Away to the window
I limped in a flash.
Pushed open the window
and threw-up on the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear.
But Dr. S himself and eight tiny reindeer.

With a keen driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Stick.
More rapid than the IRS, his coursers they came.
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now NIH! Now CDC! Now WHO and NIMH!
On HMO's! On Blue Cross! On SSA and Medicare.
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash claims, dash claims, dash away all.

As spirochetes before antibiotics fly,
when they meet with the nucleus in it's eye.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With a sleigh full of doxycycline
and antidepressants too.

And then in a twinkling
I heard on the roof
The stamping and stomping
of each big hoof.

As I drew my weary head and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Stick came with a bound.

He was dressed all in white from his head to his foot.
His clothes were not tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Prozac he had flung on his back.
And he looked like drug dealer carrying his pack.

His eyes-how they condescended! His dimples not there.
His cheeks were very pale, his nose like a pear.
His tight lipped mouth was drawn like a puppet.
And the beard on his chin looked like a muppet.

He didn't smoke, and so showed the white of his teeth.
And his ego encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a narrow face and a fairly trim belly.
That pooched out when he relaxed
like a bowl full of jelly.

He was stern and lacked compassion,
a right straight old doc.
And I cringed when I saw him,
in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye
and a twist of his head.
Soon gave me to know
I had a lot to dread.

He spoke a lot of gibberish,
then went straight to his work.
And filled all the stockings
then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod
up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
to his team gave a heed.
And away they all flew
leaving my wallet in need.

But I heard him exclaim,
ere he drove out of sight.
"Take Prozac twice a day
and have a good night!"

-Donna Herrell (1996)



Short Title: SciMedDiseasesLyme2

From: Bob2221M (
Subject: Night Before Lyme Christmas 
Date: 2001-12-23 11:12:36 PST 
  This is from last year.  I tried to include everybody but it was impossible,
  please forgive me if I missed your name.
  - Bob

'Twas the night before Christmas
And out on the 'net
The Lymies were talking about 
What they would get

They talked of prescriptions 
Their stockings were fillin'
Doxy, Amoxy
Zithro, Ampicillin

Flagyl, Mepron, 
Claforan, Tinidazole
Some on I.V. Rocephin
Stuck tied to a pole.

After a while
they went off to their beds
And dreamed of being healthy
And not needing meds.

They rode bikes and scooters
and jogged in the Fall
Took out the kids
For a game of football

Went picnicking, camping
Swam in the stream
But then they awoke
It was only a dream

Out came the Excedrine
Out came the Aleve
But wait!  A whisper
Hard to believe!

A calling
Quiet at first
Then louder and louder
As if the sky burst!

A saint?  An apostle?
Can't make a decision
Some sort of salvation
Of undetermined religion

"Come out all you Lymies
If you don't you'll regret
Tonight is a night 
You'll never forget"

Lights on, out they stumbled
With sleep in their eyes
Unhooked their I.V.s
And looked to the skies

There was Deb, there was Julie
Annie, Barb too
Lovey and Georgia
And from New Jersey, Sue

There was Brite and Kathleen
MisTick and her brood
Rufie and Joel
(He's a real cool dude!)

Judiann, Martha
Michelle, Jenny, Don,
Pat, and Lou
Robyn and Jon

I saw Kay, Bryan, Amy
And Sarah, and Art
And Joel, and others
All waiting to start

"Look what I've brought
You won't be dismayed
You all have  insurance
Your bills are all paid

"An extended vacation
For the O.P.M.C.
And freedom to practice
For all L.L.M.D.s

So forget swollen knees
Your future's secure
We've killed Lyme disease
I brought you the cure!

And there's no more Erlichia
So each little tick
Will still be disgusting 
But it won't make you sick.

Next morning was painless
Out in the sun
They did all the things 
They missed, that were fun

Now they still talk on the 'net
But their love is enough
And instead of disease
They just talk about stuff.


Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA

Last Modified January 7, 2007