Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/
Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.
See the Main Index for the complete contents.
************************************************************Short Title: AltSolipsismNightBeforeCrimmas From: ~~~AllisonWonderland~~~ (allison@livingston.net) Subject: A CRIMMAS POEM Newsgroups: alt.solipsism, alt.consciousness.4th-way Date: 2002-12-23 17:52:09 PST 'Twas the night before Crimmas, And all through the group, No one was enlightened, Not even Moosepoop. All the sock-puppets, Were hanging around, Ready to stomp Stevie, Into the ground. Gordon was relaxing, Next to the fire, With Hyla and Buddy, Getting higher, and higher. And Allen Crider, Was looking for truth, Eating Alice B. Brownies, To quell his sweet tooth. Atlas was chiding, Prolly over the border, Swami Frootloop, For his bipolar disorder When out in the dumpster, There arose a great noise, It was The Fuckwit Dumpster diving for toys. Little queer Emmit, Thought he heard little paws, That sounded like eight Tiny felching Chihuahua's He ran to the window to see just what it was, And it turned out to be A ni**er Santa Claus. Who was in the cockpit, flying up in the heaven, In a commercial airliner, A Boing 747. And in the sky, He saw a sight wild, It was Stevie's black lover, The mother of his child. The state of Denver, Never looked cuter, While Stevie sat typing At his welfare computer. Vanilla Gorilla, With a sniff and a cough, Was telling the guru, To just go fuck off. Judi, and Moogie, Were doing what they do, On this silent night, Cause it's their birthday too. bRay d'Kay, Was sitting in Jail, W' Anita playing slots, To raise his bail. Then Slothrop showed up, Along with MrM, And then came Sonny, And unisex Jen. There then came a knock, And when they opened the door, There stood E"Piph"any, Need I say more? She stood tall and erect, As in she strolled, Quoting her teacher, Old E.J. Gold. And then someone said, Stevie, is that your daughter? And he pointed his finger At Reverend Helen Hiwater. Stevie immediately, Threw himself on the floor, Hoping to do it With the crack whore next door. And in an exhibit Of his Buddhafield power, He went to the bathroom To rub off in the shower. Tiresias spent the night, Sweating in the sauna, While kidding that kid, Little Mahja-Urana And Mr.T, Was spreading good cheer, Jealous of The Fuckwit, Who was drinking a beer. When all of a sudden, Uninvited I guess, Showed up some agents, >From the U.S.S.S. They drew their guns, And made him believe, That they could hit him, As they aimed them at Steve, And Sargeant Siri, Said, just for the kicks, "We'll come down on you, Like a whole ton of bricks." When who should show up? But Steve's little bud Gary, Who, like The Fuckwit, Looked like a fairy. He demanded to know, For he asked with a glower, Where was his brother? Was told: "In the shower!" Gary ran to the bathroom, Full of happiness and hope, Just in time to see, Stevie dropping the soap. He looked in Steve's eye, And there saw a gleam, For in the shower, Was the whole football team. And ~~~AllisonWonderland~~~ As usual came late, And reminded them all, That it's Crimmas I hate! Heh heh heh heh :) ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSportLasertag1 From: DrvLikeJehu42 (drvlikejehu42@aol.comPunkRock) Subject: Loaf's "night before christmas" Newsgroups: alt.sport.lasertag Date: 2002-12-24 15:43:47 PST Twas the night before christmas and all through LQ not a creature was stirring, no more disco stu?!?! With loaf in his mohawk and fu with bad hair we were talking of memories, and games we had shared. with daydream and company tucked in the sack, we still both agree irishmans full of crap ;) when from out of the air lock there came such a clatter, we sprang from our packs to see what was the matter. and what do my wondering eye would appier? (sp) all the lq brothers and sisters were here! Nova, and acid, and chow and spam, and that goofy guy that likes orange pants. Nate was there, big headed of corse, Burg on a twinkie the size of a horse (a twinkie that big?) Va beach, and Sunrise, Akron ohio.. i looked around and tried to find wyo. but what ever our tastes and what ever our trends. i would never give up such wonderful friends. after all was done, and goodbyes were said it was time for me to go to bed. and i said with a smile as i turned out the light. merry motha fuckin christmas to all..... and to all a good night..... merry christmas you bunch of fuckin weirdos. but i wouldn't have y'all any other way. and don't forget people who don't have a place to go tonight nor tomorrow. *devil horns* see you all around in the new year :::Matthew::: ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSportLasertag2 From: DrvLikeJehu42 (drvlikejehu42@aol.comPunkRock) Subject: The Night Before Christmas (to LQ, From Loaf) Newsgroups: alt.sport.lasertag Date: 2003-12-24 15:10:47 PST TWAS the night before christmas, and all through LQ..... Not a creature was stirring, cause they're all fuckin newbs..... With me in my spikes and Austin in red, i had just sat down, to rest the poor head..... from out of the maze they're rose such a clatter.... i got off of my ass to see what was the matter...... to what to my wondering eyes would apear.... once again the whole gang from LQ land was here.... there was nate and there was malice, yelling again. Fatboy and Phatboy fighting. who'll win? Daydream and scope and ninja and boh... who the fuck is that guy...... oh thats just El - mo.. darky and solo beating up the wind judge thane stopped by to look and jump in. Talyor is back and playing next year Aunt lou and couger drink too much beer. while smoke and pancho eat in the cornor... Cbomb and Colombo, drink the fine porter.... uleb and ray, spider and frustrated... and hollow point came out, good thing hes not naked big dog and blue flame, ginger and trinity... hey whats that over there? oh its just phish. STILL HAS HIS VIRGINITY!!!!! to all the others in LQ land i wish good cheer. i wish you alot and plently of beer. hey showtime hey horse hey hetfeild and blair..... to all in LQ.... ones far and near..... Merry Christmas to all..... and a happy new year. Matthew W. / Loafy Part of Austins Red Army. ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSportsGymnastics
Author: Michael P Reed
Email: mpreed@remove.me.tdi.net
Date: 1998/12/16
Forums: alt.sports.gymnastics
Twas the night before last
and all through the group
many a lurker were stirring.
Yes, even the dupe.
The poster is hung below
the ceiling with care
in hope Kendall Beck
soon will be there.
Dave was snuggled
all aroused in his bed
with visions of a gymnast
dancing in a empty head,
and Rosy all permiated with sweat
laid firm in his lap
and just settled in
for a long winter's slap.
When out in the room
there arose such a blather
He sprang to his monitor
to see what was the matter.
Away to AOL
he flew like a flash
opened into GC, and sat up
all rigid, mouth aghast.
The soft luminessence
of the freshly powered screen
gave Dave such a shock
he thought he would scream.
While sruggle he did
with fore' vain a bustin'
he read every last word
and they were all for Dustin
With all the old drivel
so lively and quick.
He knew in a moment
he was in deep shit.
More rabid than a bat
his curses did fly
and he blasphemed and shouted
and more I did descry
"Now Missy!
Now Britty!
Jeffery and Erin!
He's a Fag!
A fake!"
and ev'n worse swearin'.
"To hell with you faggots!
I am going to the stall
Now go away!
Go away!
Go away, all!"
And then with a sniffling
heart all in a huff
he brayed and whinnied
Just to show he's tough.
He drew in his breath,
and surfed to ASG
down came the ad hominems
ala a P-I-G
He springs to the lie
his heart all a joy
in the hurting of others.
The mischievous lil boy.
But to hear him exclaim
such drivel of the kind
shows the lack of depth
in his shallow little mind.
My apologies to Clement Clarke Moore for raping his poem.
Michael P. Reed
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Short Title: AltSuicideHoliday From: Foxglove (didi_foxglove@REMOVEMEhotmail.com) Subject: Asher's Night Before Christmas Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday Date: 2002-12-24 18:00:00 PST Hi All! Here's a little something I wrote in the alt.suicide.holiday spirit. Hope you enjoy it! Peace! Foxglove Asher's Night Before Christmas by Didi Foxglove (aka Jennifer Michaels) Copyright 2002. 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all throughout ASH Not a creature was posting nor doing things rash; The nooses were hung from the rafters with care, In hopes that they'd soon be delivered from there; The ashers were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of razorblades sliced through their heads; And mamma in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down with a gun in our lap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I safetied the handgun to see what was the matter. Away to the window I saw a bright flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The blood on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of death, everywhere to and fro, When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a battered old sleigh and eight spattered reindeer, With a headless armed driver, a scene rather sick, I realized suddenly it must have been Nick. More mangled than squirrels blasted to hell The only thing worse was that wretched old smell; Here's DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! Poor COMET! and CUPID! and DONNER and BLITZEN! From the top of the porch to the top of the wall! Their parts had flown far, Nick wasted them all! He'd been dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all covered with blood and with soot; A bundle of toys had been flung on his back, But with Nick such a mess some things fell from the sack. There were needles and vials and knives and guns, There were ropes and poisons for everyone! But alas he was dead, the headless old elf, I didn't think he would mind if I helped myself. The ashers all came to partake of the toys, To end all their pains, and to finally know joys; When I saw Nick's blank eyes in his severed old head, It gave me to know I had nothing to dread. A cocktail curare with heroin chaser, Would do me just fine, the chemical eraser. As I faded away, I saw old St. Nick's ghost, Happy Christmas to All, and ne'er again shall you post! -- Foxglove ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSupportArthritis Subject: Twas the Night Before Christmas (RA Version) From: krissyjo@aol.com (KrissyJo) Date: 1997/12/10 Message-ID: <19971210151901.KAA01964@ladder02.news.aol.com> Newsgroups: alt.support.arthritis Hi Gang, Hi wrote this this morning, hope you enjoy!!! Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru the nest not a creature was stirring, 'cept Arthur the pest. The support stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that the laundress would soon be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds. While visions of Play Stations danced in their heads. Wearing my splints With a rice sock in my lap I had just settled down for a long winters nap. When in my joints there arose such pain, I limped from the bed to see if there was rain. The moon on the breast of the unshovled snow Gave a luster of midday to the objects below. When what to my dry eyes should appear, but a minature medical supply truck and eight tiny reindeer With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment that my HMO would not pay for this! More rapid than eagles his assistants they came. He whistled and shouted, And called them by name. "Now, Dasher, now Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen!!! To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall! Now dash away dash away, dash away all." As the piles of unraked leaves that before the wild hurricaine fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the house top, the assistants they flew, with the truck full of adaptive equipment, and the Doctor Nick too. And in a twinkling I heard (rather boring) the wheezing and blowing of my husbands snoring. As I pulled up his covers And patted his head Down the chimney Dr. Nick Came with a new med. He was dressed all in white, from his head to his foot. His clothes were all covered in ashes and soot. A bundle of supplies he had flung on his back. He looked like a peddler just opening his sack. My hands how they hurt, my knees how they ache I knew that some people thought I was fake. My Methotexate injection was drawn up in the den. Just waiting for the nerve to go stick it in. The cap of the needle I held tight in my teeth, the RA fog circled in my head like a wreath. I looked at my thigh, (I shouldnt have eaten that jelly!) Then said " What the hell" And injected my belly I am chubby and plump. Like a prednisone Elf Nick laughed when he saw me, In spite of his self. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He wasted no time, went straight to his work. Gathered up all my meds, then turned with a jerk. He reached into his bag and pulled out a new pill. And put it in my mouth, I felt such a thrill. I sprang to my feet, there was no more swelling. I danced and jumped Woke everyone up with my yelling. I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight. "Merry Christmas to all, theres a cure tonight" Keep Smilin' ~Krissy ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSupportDepressionVistFromStBernard From: janneke (asdaddress2@freeler.nl) Subject: Re: A Visit From St. Bernard Newsgroups: alt.support.depression Date: 2002-12-24 07:57:38 PST 'Twas the night before Christmas in ASD-land Not a troll was stirring and the silence was grand; Bruno's stocking was hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Bernard soon would be there; Bruno was nestled all snug in his bed, While visions of chewies danced in his head; And wombn with her squirt bottle, and Thor in his cap, Had arrived at their keyboards and begun to tap-tap, When out from their lawn there arose such a clatter, They sprang from their PCs to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, Deleting their killfiles and emptying the cache. The streetlights shining on the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, When, what should they see approaching their grounds, But a doghouse on skis, and eight tiny hounds, With an oldly shaped driver an all fours in the yard, They knew in a moment it must be St. Bernard! More rapid than DSL his coursers they came, And he whoofed and he barked, and called them by name; "Now, DAISY! now, DOGBERT! now, AUGIE and ASTRO! On, SNOOPY! on SNUFFLES! on, GOOFY and PLUTO! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!" Like Bruno's rubber ball when Thor lets it fly, And it meets with an obstacle, then climbs in the sky, So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the doghouse full of toys, and St. Bernard too. They heard on the roof as they stood there in awe, The clicking of toenails on each little paw. As they drew in their breath and were closing the sash, Down the chimney St. Bernard came with a crash. He was decked all in fur, from his head to his paws, With a large keg of brandy perched under his jaws; A bundle of dog toys he had flung off his back, And he looked like a mailman just opening his pack. His nose how it twitched! His eyes how merry! The cap on his head was as red as a cherry, His tongue hung out loosely; it swung to and fro, The bristles on his chin were as white as the snow; The stump of a bone he held tight in his teeth, The smell of it encircled his head like a wreath; He had large floppy ears and a big round belly, That shook, when he barked, like a bowlful of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old dog, He poured out some brandy into their eggnog; A wag of his tail and a twist of his head, Soon gave them to know they had nothing to dread; He made not a whimper, but went straight to his work, And filled Bruno's stocking; then turned with a jerk, He restored their killfiles then licking his nose, He gave them a nod, and up the chimney he rose; He sprang to his doghouse, to his team gave a bark, And away they flew swiftly into the dark. Wombn and Thor heard him call, 'ere he drove out of sight, "HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ASD, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!" ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSupportEatingDisorders Subject: Night before Christmas in a.s.e.d.-land From: joanne.b@ix.netcom.com(Joanne Bandlow) Date: 1997/12/25 Message-ID: <67t1i8$op7@dfw-ixnews8.ix.netcom.com> Newsgroups: alt.support.eating-disorder Hi y'all - I'm no poet, but I wanted to offer something on this Christmas Eve that speaks to all of the shining stars here ---------------------------------------------------------- Twas the night before Christmas, a fresh snow had fallen, Not a creature was stirring, not even, um, Allen.. The stockings were hung by the 'puter with care, in hopes of some downloads x-modem'ing there.. Our friends were all tucked in and snug in their beds, while memories of chat rooms had danced in their heads. I was watching tv, and there on the Weather, a strange thing on radar, it could be none other. I looked out the window, and to my surprise, a flying sleigh driven by eight special guys. The driver was Santa, the big guy himself, and he called to his reindeers I could feel my heart melt - On Dana! On Dolphin! On Bryan and Wen! On, Bluejay! On Pinto, Hazel and Erin! And then, in a twinkling, I saw in my room, a vision of hopefulness, starting to bloom. The jolly old elf brought us presents galore, fabulous things not found in a store. For Poettt a warm home and freedom from pain, so she can continue to flourish again. For Tasha, some friends for her long lonely nights as she peered through her tel'scope at those distant lights. For Ellen, a big hearty welcoming back and some hope that her big trip will get her on track For Leanne some courage and lightness of spirit. for Emma the knowledge she really does merit. For Laura the love that her daughter presents, a million times over, so hearfully meant.. For kitten, some purrrrfectly warm, loving friends, to her we're indebted for helping us mend. For Sin, a safe place for her to hang out, where she'll be well-loved for what she's about. For Beth, Ellissa, Susan, and Jasmine, some beautiful words that are really sublime, "You're loved, you should know that, and more than you know," a message to heal and nurture us so. For Aimee and Deborah and Kelly and Jaybee, some self-love, esteem, and that ain't just maybe. For all of our family, all over the world, for sufferers that haven't been mentioned in words, to every last one of our ased friends, the hope that you'll one day be able to mend. Then he finished, and smiling with that famous mug, he offered our friends here one really big hug, He flew up the chimney, dashed to his sleigh, revved up the reindeers and then flew away - But before he took off, I could hear him yell, "Take care of yourselves... you deserve to be well!" ************ MERRY CHRISTMAS! ************** -joanne b. ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSupportTinnitus1 Subject: a.s.t. The Night Before Christmas From: sakoz@aol.com (Sakoz) Date: 1997/12/20 Message-ID: <19971220211601.QAA04357@ladder01.news.aol.com> Newsgroups: alt.support.tinnitus 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads and mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled down for a long winter's nap. When out on the lawn there arose such a CLATTER I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but nothing--IT WAS TINNITUS IN MY EAR. ;-) Hope you all have a nice holiday. Sue K. Gurnee, Illinois, USA ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: AltSupportTinnitus2
Subject: Re: a.s.t. The Night Before Christmas
From: jb2178@aol.com (JB2178)
Date: 1997/12/21
Message-ID: <19971221022700.VAA02164@ladder02.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.support.tinnitus
That was cute Sue - here's another one!.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS ON AST
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru AST
Not a message was posted
Or e-mailed to me.
My server was hooked
To this newsgroup with care
In hopes that somebody
Had a message to share.
But the members were nestled
All snug in their beds.
While "high voltage power lines"
Ran thru their heads.
And Laurie from Devon,
And Jim from the City,
Had just settled down
From a day that was *hitty (sorry, I mean a pity) :)
When out of my head
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed wondering
What was the matter.
So towards my computer
I ran without fail,
And turned up the volume
To hear "You Have Mail"
But the mail box was empty
Its normally jammed,
There was only one message that said,
"You've been spammed" :(
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
FROM
JB2178
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Short Title: AltSurfing1
From: Foon (foon@newsguy.com)
Subject: an AS Christmas
Newsgroups: alt.surfing
Date: 2001-12-23 21:50:34 PST
Twas Alt Surfing
Twas the sesh before Christmas and all through AS
The profilers were trolling, good God, what a mess.
The Hub site was mounted in pure html
With hopes that the doubters would go straight to hell.
The occasional lurkers were cranked up on meds
While "in" jokes and flames went right over their heads.
With me in my bathrobe and bottle of booze,
I'd just settled down for a long ascii snooze.
When way out in Usenet there rose such a fight,
A thread miles long discussing wave height.
Away to my keyboard my fingers did fly,
In hope that my message would catch someone's eye.
I said, "Standard size is the way we should go,
Unless you're Hawaiian, then it's all double O."
When what on my flickering screen should appear,
A flood of opinion to stick in your ear.
The thread then mutated and broke every rule,
Ignoring the FAQ, someone said, wasn't cool.
Posts poured in the group, by the dozens they came,
I recognized most, some even by name.
There's Gioni and Sully, then Buddy and Neal,
BigWave and SurfSarge, this lineups unreal!
Soon SurfDope was crafting ("like you know") a funny Haiku
While Utah flamed all with a sullen, "F**k you.
And Grey Wolf changed names as his usual scam
In the hope that Flektonez would choke on a ham.
With Andy from 'Bama and Craig from ChiTown
jb and Carson still acting like clowns.
Tim Maddux then posted a technical note,
And someone called Rico a randy old goat.
Flames flew fast and furious, (ALLITERATION!!) I covered my face,
People were trolling all over the place.
In Jersey Mark posted another clean wave,
Then cracked wise suggesting Doc's back needed a shave.
The Hub team was sparring, a terrible tiff,
Each claiming they wrote the best Javascript.
Soon Mama, Joanne, Jane, Dee Dee and Glenda
Made us appreciate their alternate gender.
The Red Woods of SD- George, Tom Tweed and Santa
Could find nothing good in the unholy banter.
Rod harvested data attempting to choose, ah
An acceptable date for another Palooza.
Todd, G.Duke, Jose and Surff came off the bench,
And then there was Alex, Wait UP! Isn't he French?
When former AS ers showed up out of the cold,
Someone observed they were covered with mold.
And though it was late, by the dozens they came.
To mention them all would make me look lame(er).
The chemistry quickly began to ignite
A slapfest that promised to go into the night.
The raucous discussion went well until dawn.
I found myself drinking booze out on my lawn.
"This newsgroup is wacky," I bellowed out loud.
"So how did I get involved with this crowd?"
It must be the love of the sport and these people,
To read things each day that most would call treacle.
For in spite of all these posturing folks,
There are some great people, good reading, and jokes.
I sprang to my feet and ran into the house,
Fell down the stairs (OUCH!) and grabbed up my mouse.
Then typed "Merry Christmas to all and Good Night"
And last but not least, "Hey Lemons! YOU BITE!"
-Foon
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Short Title: AltSurfing2 From: Bud (bud@wavelust.com) Subject: Re: Ocean Beach SF Surf report 24-12 Newsgroups: alt.surfing Date: 2002-12-24 13:19:51 PST *Clap clap clap clap* Nice work skip. Enjoyed that, very creative! Good surfing to you, Bud (gone surfin) skipper@blakestah.com wrote: Twas the morn before Christmas And all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse Good waves were expected early would be best I jumped out of bed still asleep were the rest Out the front door I flew with my binocs in hand to check what size waves were hitting the sand And what a surprise should alight to my sight but thick pitching lips going both left and right I grabbed my eight six and my extra thick leash and jumped in the van to head down to the beach The cold bit my skin as I pulled my suit on the suit and the hood and the booties were donned Thick bridal veils peeled off of each breaking crest a sure sign of good winds drop-ins would be a test The waves doubled up reaching twice overhead the paddle was rough but good waves were ahead Ten people were out at the most crowded spot I paddled two blocks north And alone waves I got The first was a left, followed by two rights what a great morn to surf just after dawn's light Soon I grew cold and I had things to do so I headed on in though the waves had been true in the parking lot I changed kdalle followed me out stoke beaming from both of us without doubt A cold winter's morning great waves turned out right merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. -PA ************************************************************ ************************************************************