Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/
Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.
See the Main Index for the complete contents.
************************************************************Short Title: PoliticsLibertarian From: litehouse1776@yahoo.com.invalid (Email@REMOVE.INVALID) Subject: Liberator Online, Vol. 7, No. 22 -- Special Holiday Edition Newsgroups: alt.politics.libertarian, alt.politics.usa, talk.politics.libertarian, alt.politics Date: 2002-12-17 17:02:32 PST THE LIBERATOR ONLINE December 17, 2002 Vol. 7, No. 22 Circulation: 55,827 in 105 countries Published by the Advocates for Self-Government. Created and edited by Paul Schmidt, mailto:paul@self-gov.org Co-edited by James W. Harris, mailto:james@self-gov.orgADVOCATES HOLIDAY POEM "A Liberty Christmas..." Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the land Libertarians dreamed of the ideals of Rothbard, Hayek and Rand. Enchanted by this glorious vision of liberty, Many yearned for better ways to help their neighbors see The great benefits that would come if they'd only embrace A philosophy of freedom for all, whatever country or race. At our home the stockings and decorations were up, We'd left Santa some cookies and some milk in a cup. The children were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Liberty danced in their heads. I in my Advocates T-shirt, and Mom in her Self-Governor's Cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When outside the window there arose such a clatter That I leapt from my bed to see what was the matter! There through the window I saw an amazing sight That any other time of year would have given me a fright! A sleigh pulled by reindeer flashing through the sky so quick, And led by no less than -- Jolly Old St. Nick! As he roared through the air, heading straight for my abode, I saw the sled was groaning with a tremendous load Of packages, treasures, treats and toys -- Gifts for all good men, women, girls and boys! More rapid than a jet, right toward me they came! And I heard Old St. Nick call each reindeer by name: "Now Tolerance! Now Free Enterprise! Now Liberty! Onward Peace, and Free Speech, and Prosperity!" He kept calling their names in that manner, and 'twas thus I realized with a start --"Hey, Santa's one of Us!" I had always admired this very special man, Who flew 'round the world without posting an FAA flight plan, Who crossed national borders with impunity each year, And never registered his team with the U.S. Department of Reindeer. Who laughed at licenses and permits and just made his own route, And ran a safe, clean, happy workshop far from OSHA's obnoxious snout. Who lived independent and government-free at the icy North Pole, Far away from taxes, regulations and the dole. So I tiptoed downstairs to peep into the den, And try and steal a sight of that jolly old gentleman Who had brought such joy to millions in so many lands. Oh, to see him in action, alive, first-hand! I heard the sleigh touch lightly down upon the roof, Strange noises from my chimney came... then -- POOF! There was Santa standing boldly beside our Christmas tree, Bigger than life in red and white -- an awesome sight to see! He took a bite of our cookies and said, "Hmmmm -- not bad!" Then wrote a quick note of thanks to our youngest lad. Then he reached down into the bulging bag at his side, And talked aloud as he brought out what was stuffed inside: "Here's a new computer for Johnny, and it's all set To take him to the Advocate's Web Page on the Internet! While there he can also subscribe, for free, To the Liberator Online, the Advocates' email bi-weekly! "Sally wants to reach libertarians in her home town, So I've brought her the best outreach tool around! Operation Politically Homeless will do the trick -- She'll find hundreds of new libertarians!" chuckled jolly old St. Nick. Then he pulled out a vast supply of pocket-sized cards And I could guess what they were, without trying too hard. "Here's a few thousand of the World's Smallest Political Quiz, too! That should last them for at least a month or two! "This family wants to communicate the ideas of freedom clearly, So here are two fine tape sets which they will treasure dearly: The Communication Power Pack and The Essence of Political Persuasion Will make them Master Communicators, no matter what the occasion!" From his bag he brought forth still more great surprises -- Libertarian T-shirts and sweatshirts, in all different sizes, All festooned with neat slogans. Then there were books galore -- 'Libertarianism in One Lesson,' `The Law,' and many more! By now our living room seemed filled to overflowing, But still Santa kept on going and going. He scattered audio tapes by the dozen in every empty spot. "There are so many great Advocates tapes -- they'll like all these a lot! He was bringing out still more goodies, but I could stand it no more So I stepped out from hiding and stood by the door. He smiled at me and winked, and I knew instantly He'd known I had been there throughout his gift-giving spree. "I just wanted to thank you --" I began to say. But he held up his hand and smiled in his jolly way. "There's no need for thanks! It's a great pleasure to me To give gifts to people who care so much about liberty! "The Advocates has made it easy for me and my elves -- In fact, we hardly have any work to do ourselves! For people who want to see our world freed, The Advocates has just the products, tools, and services we need. "If you want to thank me, the best thing you can do Is to support the Advocates -- and put these great tools to work for you. Oh, there's one thing more I want to leave. Here -- Keep this Advocates catalog handy, so you can order throughout the year!" I wanted to say more, but he put his finger to his nose, Then -- POOF! Straight up through my chimney he rose! I went to my window, and saw the sleigh rise into the sky, And as they faded away, I heard Santa cry: "On, Free Speech! On, Tolerance! On, Liberty! Our world is yearning to be set free! One day soon all will see freedom's bright shining light -- Merry Christmas to all! And to all, a Good Night!" HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE ADVOCATES! -- You can contact the Advocates at: Advocates for Self Government 5 South Public Square, Suite 304 Cartersville, GA 30120 Phone: 770-386-8372; for orders, 800-932-1776 Fax: 770-386-8373 Email: mailto:advocates@self-gov.org WWW: http://www.self-gov.org/ ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PoliticsLibertarian1 Subject: 'Twas the nite before new years From: freelandmi@aol.com (FREELANDmi) Date: 1997/12/18 Message-ID: <19971218074700.CAA02614@ladder02.news.aol.com> Newsgroups: alt.politics.libertarian 'Twas the Night before new years, and all through the land lot's of creatures were stirring for a party was at hand The big guest of honor Would be Santa Claus But he hadn't been informed Of all the new laws. Then in burst the feds With a warrant-- signed and sealed "that 'bill of rights' crap won't help you" It's just been repealed! On, CIA, FBI, ATF and Secret Service On DEA, IRS, FDA, even Federal Reserve-ists "We're just doing our job" Claimed the thug with the gun "The charge is suspicion Of trying to have fun" Sharpshooters on rooftops In bullet-proof vests Shot eight tiny reindeer For resisting arrest Santa pulled out a toy gun Which caught them off guard When the SWAT team reacted The fat man fell hard They tried to revive him While boys and girls cried "Happy new year to all" Santa said, then he died. ---an original poem by Clint Foster with apologies to C.Dickens ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PoliticsLibertarian2 From: litehouse1776@yahoo.com.invalid (Email@REMOVE.INVALID) Subject: Liberator Online, Vol. 7, No. 22 -- Special Holiday Edition Newsgroups: alt.politics.libertarian, alt.politics.usa, talk.politics.libertarian, alt.politics Date: 2002-12-17 17:02:32 PST THE LIBERATOR ONLINE December 17, 2002 Vol. 7, No. 22 Circulation: 55,827 in 105 countries Published by the Advocates for Self-Government. Created and edited by Paul Schmidt, mailto:paul@self-gov.org Co-edited by James W. Harris, mailto:james@self-gov.orgADVOCATES HOLIDAY POEM "A Liberty Christmas..." Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the land Libertarians dreamed of the ideals of Rothbard, Hayek and Rand. Enchanted by this glorious vision of liberty, Many yearned for better ways to help their neighbors see The great benefits that would come if they'd only embrace A philosophy of freedom for all, whatever country or race. At our home the stockings and decorations were up, We'd left Santa some cookies and some milk in a cup. The children were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Liberty danced in their heads. I in my Advocates T-shirt, and Mom in her Self-Governor's Cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When outside the window there arose such a clatter That I leapt from my bed to see what was the matter! There through the window I saw an amazing sight That any other time of year would have given me a fright! A sleigh pulled by reindeer flashing through the sky so quick, And led by no less than -- Jolly Old St. Nick! As he roared through the air, heading straight for my abode, I saw the sled was groaning with a tremendous load Of packages, treasures, treats and toys -- Gifts for all good men, women, girls and boys! More rapid than a jet, right toward me they came! And I heard Old St. Nick call each reindeer by name: "Now Tolerance! Now Free Enterprise! Now Liberty! Onward Peace, and Free Speech, and Prosperity!" He kept calling their names in that manner, and 'twas thus I realized with a start --"Hey, Santa's one of Us!" I had always admired this very special man, Who flew 'round the world without posting an FAA flight plan, Who crossed national borders with impunity each year, And never registered his team with the U.S. Department of Reindeer. Who laughed at licenses and permits and just made his own route, And ran a safe, clean, happy workshop far from OSHA's obnoxious snout. Who lived independent and government-free at the icy North Pole, Far away from taxes, regulations and the dole. So I tiptoed downstairs to peep into the den, And try and steal a sight of that jolly old gentleman Who had brought such joy to millions in so many lands. Oh, to see him in action, alive, first-hand! I heard the sleigh touch lightly down upon the roof, Strange noises from my chimney came... then -- POOF! There was Santa standing boldly beside our Christmas tree, Bigger than life in red and white -- an awesome sight to see! He took a bite of our cookies and said, "Hmmmm -- not bad!" Then wrote a quick note of thanks to our youngest lad. Then he reached down into the bulging bag at his side, And talked aloud as he brought out what was stuffed inside: "Here's a new computer for Johnny, and it's all set To take him to the Advocate's Web Page on the Internet! While there he can also subscribe, for free, To the Liberator Online, the Advocates' email bi-weekly! "Sally wants to reach libertarians in her home town, So I've brought her the best outreach tool around! Operation Politically Homeless will do the trick -- She'll find hundreds of new libertarians!" chuckled jolly old St. Nick. Then he pulled out a vast supply of pocket-sized cards And I could guess what they were, without trying too hard. "Here's a few thousand of the World's Smallest Political Quiz, too! That should last them for at least a month or two! "This family wants to communicate the ideas of freedom clearly, So here are two fine tape sets which they will treasure dearly: The Communication Power Pack and The Essence of Political Persuasion Will make them Master Communicators, no matter what the occasion!" From his bag he brought forth still more great surprises -- Libertarian T-shirts and sweatshirts, in all different sizes, All festooned with neat slogans. Then there were books galore -- 'Libertarianism in One Lesson,' `The Law,' and many more! By now our living room seemed filled to overflowing, But still Santa kept on going and going. He scattered audio tapes by the dozen in every empty spot. "There are so many great Advocates tapes -- they'll like all these a lot! He was bringing out still more goodies, but I could stand it no more So I stepped out from hiding and stood by the door. He smiled at me and winked, and I knew instantly He'd known I had been there throughout his gift-giving spree. "I just wanted to thank you --" I began to say. But he held up his hand and smiled in his jolly way. "There's no need for thanks! It's a great pleasure to me To give gifts to people who care so much about liberty! "The Advocates has made it easy for me and my elves -- In fact, we hardly have any work to do ourselves! For people who want to see our world freed, The Advocates has just the products, tools, and services we need. "If you want to thank me, the best thing you can do Is to support the Advocates -- and put these great tools to work for you. Oh, there's one thing more I want to leave. Here -- Keep this Advocates catalog handy, so you can order throughout the year!" I wanted to say more, but he put his finger to his nose, Then -- POOF! Straight up through my chimney he rose! I went to my window, and saw the sleigh rise into the sky, And as they faded away, I heard Santa cry: "On, Free Speech! On, Tolerance! On, Liberty! Our world is yearning to be set free! One day soon all will see freedom's bright shining light -- Merry Christmas to all! And to all, a Good Night!" HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE ADVOCATES! -- You can contact the Advocates at: Advocates for Self Government 5 South Public Square, Suite 304 Cartersville, GA 30120 Phone: 770-386-8372; for orders, 800-932-1776 Fax: 770-386-8373 Email: mailto:advocates@self-gov.org WWW: http://www.self-gov.org/ ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PoliticsNYC
Subject: Eye On New York, Vol. 3, No. 38
From: webmaster@ny-politics.com
Date: 1997/12/09
Message-ID: <348CE609.B98E8E82@ny-politics.com>
Newsgroups: ny.politics,nyc.politics,li.politics,alt.politics.democrats.d,alt.politics.usa.misc
from EYE ON NEW YORK:
Volume 3, Number 38 December 5, 1997
E-Mail: eony@ny-politics.com
We're On The Web!
http://www.ny-politics.com/eony/
EONY is grateful to the anonymous author of the following piece
of holiday literature. It came to us here at EONY three years ago
with no means of contacting the original writer.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, and down on State Street,
Not a creature was stirring. No State workers' feet
Went crunching through snow banks nor slipping on ice
In hopes that Pataki for once would be nice,
And not take their jobs in this holiday season,
Or ship them to Kingston for no earthly reason.
Now I, in my office, with heat turned down low
Tried to finish my work midst the cold and the snow,
When in Lafayette Park there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash!
Pulled the cord on the blinds--they fell down with a crash!
The grime on my windows, near Chancellor's Hall,
Cast a gloom on the scene like a funeral pall.
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Pataki himself, dressed in moving man's gear.
And a new chevy van with five girls and no boys,
Which I knew in an instant were Betsy McCaughey's.
More vapid than cuckoos, his staff ran around
Shouting, "Cut more state jobs--move the rest out of town!
Cut EnCon, cut SUNY, cut OGS too;
Move Tax out, move Labor, to name just a few.
Go to Binghamton, Peekskill, Poughkeepsie, or Troy,
Then cut welfare payments for both girl and boy
To under five years, after that, turn 'em loose.
They can ring bells on corners for their Christmas goose."
As I turned from the window, repulsed by these words,
On the steps of the Capitol, Joe Bruno I heard.
His teeth--how they sparkled! His hair was just so!
His small, shifty eyes darted back--to and fro.
A print-out of family who work for the State
Spilled out from his pockets, crossed Eagle, down State!
A wink of Joe's eye and a nod of his head
Was the sole indication he wasn't brain dead.
He filled exempt jobs with his kith and his kin,
Stared into the cameras with an idiot grin,
And swore to help upstate 'til the last bitter hour.
(Then rushed off to party at glitzy Trump Tower.)
He leapt into his limo, to the driver he called
"To Manhattan, and hurry! We're late, Uncle Claude!"
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove by my door
"I'm so glad that I'm rich and not old, sick or poor!"
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Short Title: PoliticsPanama(Noriega)
from http://www.wi2600.org/mediawhore/mirrors/textfiles.com/holiday/noriega.txt
'Twas the Night Before Christmas '89 in Panama
Twas five days before Christmas
when all through the land,
fingers were itchy, and called for a stand.
The C-41's were loaded with care,
In hopes Noriega would be blind to this dare.
"A surgical strike would work fine and be quick."
said an advisor who briefly felt sick.
"Delta force could be in and out in a blink!"
Said another advisor as he mixed a drink.
"But the economy sucks, and we need a war!"
Cried Danny with glee as he entered the door.
"And with abortion out, there's too many folks,
so let's have a war, where are the Cokes?"
So George waved his hands in a mystical fashion,
and looked up from his desk with unusual passion,
"Peace doesn't work for corporate powers,
there's no profit in having Lockheed grow flowers.
Hughes stock has been dropping like a lead ball,
Let Manuel know we're coming,
Now dash away all!"
Panamanian Children
were snug in their beds,
Feliz Navidad played in their heads.
When up in the sky there arose such a clatter,
Children leapt from their beds,
when windows started to shatter.
Up to the mountains Manuel flew like a flash,
While the U.S. forces turned his HQ into trash.
The flash of the flares on the newfallen dead,
gave the luster of midday to pools of new red.
When what to wondering eyes did appear,
20,000 young troops armed with God and fresh fear
With a leader who slept, miles from the push,
a point of light by the name of George Bush.
More Rapid than eagles his Hugheys they came,
soundly thrashing the bad guys, playing their game.
While back in a hotel where civilians did stay,
protection was naught, ignored in this fray,
to protect Americans was the reason it's said,
but hundreds were wounded, nineteen were dead.
Manuel thumbed his nose at a great world power
he outsmarted George Bush in his finest hour.
So George figured out he couldn't catch this man
and put a price on his head, maybe someone else can.
So while people here still live in the street,
George spent our money with a lively beat
for nothing more than an unsuccessful fight
as he was heard to exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
Why did George hunt this rat with a gun?
I know that a trap would not be as much fun,
or quite as fast, or show off his toys,
but what about those nineteen young boys?
Did they have time to question other available ways,
that would not have them missing their last Christmas by days.
Please don't tell him that there are drug dealers in Atlanta.
I live here, and don't want to be invaded.
Copyright 1989, by Robert Stottle
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Short Title: PoliticsRossPerot
A VISIT FROM ST. HICK
(c)1993 Christopher M. Mislow
'Twas late Christmas eve, and throughout the White House
All slumbered but Socks (who was chewing a mouse)
When all of a sudden a thunderous roar
Rattled the East Wing from rafter to floor.
Unsure if the noise was just gas or artillery,
Bill Clinton took action: he deputized Hillary.
In her robe and her slippers, she trudged to the source
Of the noise and saw nothing, but then heard a coarse
Texas twang from the fireplace clamor
"Down here! Are y'all just as blind as those tinhorn reindeer?"
There, on the hearth, 'midst the timber and tinder,
Sat H. Ross Perot, all covered wit cinder.
"Your flue," he complained, "is disgusting with soot.
You gave far too many staff members the foot.
Cutting budgets is wonderful; better is cheaper.
But you need either Zoe's or Kimba's housekeeper.
From ashes that thick, someone's breathing might fail.
Thank goodness, like Bill, that I didn't inhale."
"Why, Ross," replied Hillary, "pray tell what is it
To which Bill and I owe this Christmas Eve visit?
You're certainly welcome to use the front door.
Did you come down the chimney to hide from Al Gore?"
Shaking the layer of ash from his head,
Ross brushed his flattop, glowered and said:
"No, M'am. I'm a shareholder in Santa Claus, Inc.,
Whose dividends recently started to sink.
When I finally cornered old Santa himself,
He offered to hire me on as an elf!
So I planned my attack, set my financing snares,
Then bought all the company's outstanding shares.
Christmas trees won't be all that get trimmed from now on;
The era of deficit budgets is gone.
The business is gonna be run right because
All day, every day, now I am Santa Claus."
From his inside coat pocket Ross whipped out a chart
And a pointer he brandished with well-practiced art.
"Now, you look at this. You see this here graph?
The way Santa's workshop was run is a laugh.
Those North Pole utility bills are a joke,
And the union-scale wages will soon have us broke.
We need much, much cheaper electrical power,
And elves who don't make fifteen dollars an hour."
For dramatic effectiveness, Ross took a pause,
Then resumed his debut as the new Santa Claus.
"Each new day brings another environment rule.
Recycling toys is a pain in the Yule!
The slogan 'keep the North Pole white'
Is driving expenditures clear out of sight.
Luckily, NAFTA provides a solution,
A haven in which I can discharge pollution
Into the air or the land of my neighbor,
Where the powe union committee:
I'm moving the workshop to Mexico City."
Then, in a twinkle, up the chimney he went,
Back through the soot out the cold rooftop vent.
But not before saying, with a wink and a nod,
"Buenas noches, Miss Hillary, and Feliz Navidad!"
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Short Title: Polygamist From: Larry DiLucchio Date: 2004-11-29 A Polygamist Night before Christmas Copyright Will E. Chee 2001 Chinle, Arizona 'T was the Night before Christmas out West in Provo Mid the wives and the kids of the Poligs you know.(1) Each wife in her quarters with the kids bunked below (2) Wishing it was her night to have the husband in tow.(3) Family prayer it was scheduled an hour from thence When outside in the compound, a van knocked down the fence. It stopped in the compound, leaving ruts in the lawn Thinking twice all wondered, whatever was wrong. All of the windows were now filled with faces The moonlight reflected from some kids who had braces! The man of the family was now on the stoop Armed with a shotgun to defend his women and loot. Who was it disturbing the quiet this night? Was it John law, or Tapestry ladies out for a fight?(4) Made no sense to him, but he had to wonder Why his discernment had failed to predict such a blunder.(5) His awe was shortlived as a small, fat little man Slid out of the cab with some lists in his hands. His boots they were black, pants and shirt red All trimmed in white, even the cap on his head St. Nick it was really - but did he exist? Maybe it was locals just up to some tricks. His Church told him true, Christmas didn't exist.(6) A convention adopted quite early when converting the Picts! His mind was confused. This didn't make sense He'd find out who this was who broke down his fence! The man in the red advanced a few steps He seemed covered in mud from his feet to his neck! Spying the shotgun now aimed at his head, He took a deep breathe, stepped forward and said I don't want your daughters or wives for my own One wife is plenty so I'm, picking no bones (7) I just brought some presents for all of your clan My sled it broke down so rented this van Now put down the shotgun and pistol and knife In no way do I threaten your unconventional life Put your kids back in bed, kiss your wives once again Come help me unload and I may find you some gin They worked for an hour unloading the bags Filling stockings until the mantle looked like it would sag At last they were done and the fat little man Brushed the fur on his coat then closed the doors on the van I can't stay and chat he explained in due haste My work is not done and time is a-waste My sled still had loads for the Lebaron's and Jeff's, He said with a groan as he tallied the lists. Your load was light compared to the rest but it is my job at Christmas and I'll do my best! Most just get presents and are content with that that lot, But I've got wives for you men, An unusual drop! Perhaps with enough for the celestial you're bound (8) Unless Joe was wrong when he wrote the book. When I saw your names written I questioned the words As Joseph put Christmas on April 3! (6) Has theology changed? Were the books revised? I ponder that Christmas you've not chosen to hide! But 'tis not my job to question the "Why" My business is run on the side of supply! Looking around he pondered out loud How do you ever keep track of the crew? Is it "oh Emma", and Charlotte and Janice and Beau? Where's Linda or Nancy, Rita and Dawn? "I want Ruby and Sarah and Joyce and dear Fawn?" "Find Susan, Find Willy, Charlene and Song?" Get Rachel and Katy and Melissa and Sum? How do you manage who you sleep with at night? How is it you can ever get all the names right? How do you manage to care for the lot? I saw your hands are not calloused from working a lot. Seeing no threat in this jolly old guest, The man softened up and related the rest The funding it comes from community sources "God will Provide" and He does - even my horses Since the State chooses not to honor my wive Each thus legally lacks a husband to thrive All apply and receive what welfare gives freely (9) And the State pays for all - which we do love dearly It all works out fine unless one goes on Oprah (10) Tom Green found this out and resides at the Point His family split up and did not band together. He lost it all for a moment of glory Which brings me to the end of my story. With that old Santa stepped up in his van Turned over the engine and got it going again. He put it in gear, took off with a lurch. Leaned out the window from where he was perched Saying- Merry Christmas to All and to All a good night. (1)Poligs. Local jargon for polygamists. Usually adherents to the complete teachings of Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith. (2)In polygamist families, each wife usually has her own living area within a larger complex. Some polygamists maintain a separate home for each wife, but polygamist wives see little in this arrangement, for they neither have other sister wives to assist them, or a man on a full time basis. (3)The Husband usually has a scheduled routine where he beds with a different wife each night. (4)The Law and Tapestry Against Polygamy, which is a group of ex-wives is a constant threat. Polygamy is illegal in the United States. Something Supreme Court justices see as giving them less rights to live live as they choose, than any other group including Gays. (5)Because they believe that they are endowed with a Priesthood enabling them to communicate and receive messages directly from God, precognition of events is expected. (6)Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith taught Christ's true birthday was in April - After all Shepherds don't watch their flocks at night in the middle of the coldest part of the year. Christmas is often taught to be a compromise with the tribes of Europe to allow them to keep a mid winter ceremony in lieu of winter solstice. Thus not a "true" celebration of Christ's birth. (7)It was not unusual for polygamist groups to "raid" each other for wives. (8)Entrance to the highest levels of Glory (Heaven) it is taught, is limited to men who have a minimum of three wires to act as Spirit Mothers in the hereafter. (9)With marriage to more than one wife against the law, polygamists simply don't invite the State to any but the first marriage to the legal wife. Thus, all additional wives appear simply as unwed head's of household and can obtain State Welfare and Aid to Dependent Children payments. Colorado City on the Utah border in Arizona has eight times the number of welfare recipients than any other Arizona community. It is a polygamist stronghold. There are exceptions to these cases. Some wives may work, allowing sister wives to care for children. This cooperation among wives even led one group near Page, Arizona to suggest the National Organization of Women adopt Polygamy as a way for women to get ahead. (10)Polygamist Tom Greene made the error of going on several national talk shows, including Oprah. His family had suffered a major calamity when their residences in the Utah desert burned down. His wives applied for and received welfare, but when he appeared on National television the State of Utah could no longer pretend he did not exist. He was prosecuted for bigamy and fraud and is now serving his sentence in the Point of the Mountain Prison. ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: Postman Author: Marty Richardson Email: leprech@ida.net Date: 1998/12/20 Forums: alt.snail-mail 'Twas the night before Christmas, The postman was pissed All thru the route, Not a housed to be missed Mama at home in a sweet negligee, The kids at Grandmas And I'm stuck out here with an ad from the Mall A truck full of letters and cards While snow filled the walks and front yards No one had shoveled as I walked along My mind saying this has to be wrong I should be at home with that sweet young thing instead of out here freezin' my ding-a-ling The service has left me without a contract I don't know if I want to go back 900 parcels left in the truck as I drive off yelling I don't give a fuck ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PrincessDi Author: glt Email: glt@yahoo.com Date: 1998/12/15 Forums: alt.tasteless.jokes 'Twas the Night Before...Princess Di Version 'Twas the night before christmas, and all through the Ritz. The martinis were stirring, and Henri Paul was quite blitzed. The paparazzi all hung by the windows with care, rumors that the princess surely was there. The engines were warm, the chase cars they sped. While visions of royalty checks danced in their heads I on my cycle, camera ready to shoot, We settled down for a high speed pursuit. When out of the tunnel there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my cycle hoping for gore and some splatter. Camera in hand I flew like a flash, First aid's not for me I prefer cash. The blood on the breast of the now-fallen royal, was mixed with some glass, some petro and oil. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, The photo 'op of the century, more then I make in a year. With a little used driver, now drunk and quite dead. I looked for the object that severed his head. More rapid then eagles the photogs descended, "This is my scoop", I shouted, offended. Now, GAMMA! Now, BETA! The Enquirer, The Star. Swarmed all around, what once was a car. On top of the Merc, and from every odd angle. We all got good pictures of all the body parts that dangle. And then, in a twinkling, the flash bulbs died down. And from the car came a gurgling sound. The PRINCESS! The PRINCESS! She's still alive? Great photos in hand, to sell, I must strive. Dodi's clothes were all covered with ashes and soot, And in his lap a piece of somebody's foot. What was left of his head was flung on his back, He looked like a hooker after a meeting with Jack. His eyes, on the dashboard. His dimples now gone. His cheeks and his nose are now part of the horn. His droll little mouth, somewhere on the backseat, Who says you can't treat people like meat? He was chubby and plump, internal organs all swollen. As I did my best to keep all cameras rolling. With a wink of my eye and a twist of my head, I jumped on my cycle, and quickly I fled. I spoke few words when the french police jumped me, Besides, "FUCK YOU, talk to my company." And laying a finger aside of my nose, and giving a snort, The gram of cocaine sure rose. After much lying, I sprang to my cycle, I had to meet with a guy from the post name of Michael. But I heard him exclaim, as I drove out of sight, THESE PICTURES ARE LAME! THE PRINCESS DIED LATE TONIGHT! =====D~ I'm trying to see things from your point of view...unfortunately I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. --------------------------- to reply remove "glt@yahoo.com" ************************************************************ ************************************************************