Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

Short Title: PoliticsAfghanistan1

Composed: Late November 2001
Source: Unknown

 THE NIGHT BEFORE PAYBACK

 'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,
 They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
 Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
 He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
 
 He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
 But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
 We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
 And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.

 And yes we remember the USS Cole,
 And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
 You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
 You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.

 And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
 And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
 You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
 They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.

 Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
 He came very close, to his final Breath.
 So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
 Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.

 They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
 And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
 They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
 Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

 Osama I wrote this especially for You,
 For airmail delivery by B-52.
 You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
 Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.

 I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
 It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show.


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Short Title: PoliticsAfghanistan2

Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001 23:45:26 -0600
From: John Dornbach 

'Twas the night before Ramadan
  by Mullah Mohammed Omar
  (Pen name for Jack Falbey)

'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave
Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave.
The turbans were hung by the firepit with care,
In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there.
The soldiers were restless without any beds,
While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads.
Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap,
Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter’s nap,
When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter.

Away from the racket I ran like a girl,
Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl.
The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow
And lit up the valley with an ominous glow,
When, what to my one good eye should appear,
But a dozen Apaches, and tanks in the rear,
And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push,
I knew in an instant it must be George Bush.
More rapid than eagles his forces they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names;

"Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul!
We come for you now; we’ve taken Kabul!
To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves!
When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!"

As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky,
So up to the ledge his forces they flew
With full magazines, and flamethrowers too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a thud
The explosions of Tomahawks; not one was a dud.
As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around,
Osama was there, disguised in a gown.

He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes,
And he said he would flee while I held off his foes;
A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack,
He said "I’m going to Baghdad and I’m not looking back!"
His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear;
The American bombs, they rang in his ears.
He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled,
But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head.

I watched with cold fear as his body did slump;
The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump.
And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed,
About to suffer a fate I could not avoid;
I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help,
His voice boomed in my ears, "You ignorant whelp!
I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran,
But you were too arrogant to understand,

I told you to honor your neighbors and wives;
Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives!
You invoke My name to sanction your deeds,
But you are the last thing that this world needs.
And so, I’ll send you and bin Laden to Hell."
The last words I heard, as the bombs fell,
Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall,
"One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!" 

Written by Jack Falbey on 11/20/2001
Inspired by the spirit of freedom.
Jack Falbey
Ft. Myers, FL
jackfalbey@msn.com


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Short Title: PoliticsAfghanistan3

From: DKirklas@CyberJunky.com
Subject: Twas the Night Before Christmas(for Osama) 
Newsgroups: rec.outdoors.rv-travel
Date: 2001-12-23 11:24:05 PST 

Twas the night before Xmas
And where was Osama?
Why the bastard had crawled
Into bed with his mama.

His several dozen children
Were in bed with each other.
Sister with sister
And brother with brother.

When outside the cave
He heard a loud sound.
Twas an "infidel" missile
Soaring towards his mound.

He sprang from his bed
To escape through the hole.
But he slipped on some goat shit
And into the cave he did roll.

I'm going to Allah
Bin Laden sang.
As the missile exploded
With a tremendous bang.

But before he died
He heard Allah say.
You did 9/11
And now you must pay.


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Short Title: PoliticsBoiseIdaho

Submitted by: Aileen Sox
January 2003
 
The Fright Before Christmas

'Twas a week before Christmas and Mayor Brent Coles
Had raised our frustration and dropped in the polls.
The Mayor's friend Lyman was hung out to dry
In hopes that a scapegoat would help him get by.

The Council was meeting this cold winter night
To assess all the damage and help make it right.
The Mayor had announced his pal's resignation
And he hoped and he prayed it would bring him salvation.

"This man must be punished," said Brent, right on cue
But then he remembered... that he'd done it too.
Mike didn't buy it and neither did Vern
And they both sat there calmly and waited their turn.

Then all of a sudden Vern made such a clatter
That the poor Mayor trembled and emptied his bladder.
He crouched in the corner and held back the tears
As Vern and the others addressed his worst fears.

More rapid than eagles, the charges they came
And Vern waived his arms as he called them by name,
"You spent all this money on dancers and vixens
And caused us more pain than the Clintons and Nixons.

Your unconscious spending on dinners and plays
Is causing concern, though you're quick to repay.
So how many times has this happened before?"
asked Vern with a glare as he circled the floor.

We need a big audit to calm all the fears,"
Said Vern with a snicker, "I'm voting six years."
Mike said, "Hey Verny, we probably need more
But my stomach can't take it."  So they settled on four.

As the search for the auditors got under way
It was business as usual for the Mayor next day.
He rounded up memos, and receipts and letters
And went down to Staples and bought two more shredders.

Elsewhere in town there were shoppers galore
The Hollywood Market line stretched out the door.
The shoppers weren't there on a food buying mission
They simply stopped by to sign the petition.

This poem has a lesson, so people take heed
Don't spend other's money, no matter the need.
Be happy at Christmas, thank God you're alive
OOPS.  It's four in the morning... let's go for a drive.

Aileen Andres Sox

Editor, Our Little Friend / Primary Treasure 
Pacific Press Publishing Association 
ailsox@pacificpress.com
http://www.adventistbookcenter.com


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Short Title: PoliticsClintonAndSaddam

Subject:      twas a nite in the white house
From:         "anonyme" 
Date:         1997/12/22
Message-ID:   <01bd0f01$b099df20$196e98ce@atomic>
Newsgroups:   rec.skiing.alpine

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the land
The Iraqis were hiding
their scuds in the sand

The missiles were hid
under the palace stairs
knowing the inspectors
might never reach there

With Bill in his nightie
and Hilly with none
they had just tucked in
for a night full of fun

When out in the oval
the red phone was ringing
it was a Saddam canary
doing his Christmas singing

He said that the chemicals
were inside christmas hams
cause they'd be harder to hit
with a pod full of SAM's

Bill said "shazam"!
We'll blow them to hell
toast all their goats
and piss in their wells

The stoolie said wait
here's a little filler
they plan to kidnap your wife
the Foster man killer

Bill said "Oh really"
call me back next week
and when Saddam gets Hilly
tell her turn the other cheek

So to hell with Saddam
and all of Huzzballa
cause I've still got the hots
for a girl named Paula

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonImpeachment1

   Author:   DeusBranco
   Email: godom@hotmail.com
   Date: 1998/12/19
   Forums: soc.culture.brazil
   
Twas the Night Before Impeachment
by "Lew Rockwell"
(with very slight modifications in text ---vK)
------------------------------------------------------------------

'Twas the Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.

The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.

The Republicans were nestled, all smug with the Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.

Slick Willie and gang from UN-Israel returned,
Nut-n-yahoo's instructions in their ears still burned.

And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.

When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!

More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"

"From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash  away all !!!"

And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As they scratched their heads and were turning around
Resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.

No longer was Willie eating humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.

A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.

The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed  like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.

And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him, "The Jerk."

And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.

He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.

They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"To hell with Christians, and Ramadan too...
Happy Hanukkah to all, and to all a good night."
 

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonImpeachment2

   Author:   Albert Langford
   Email: albertl@m130.aone.net.au
   Date: 1998/12/19
   Forums: alt.tasteless.jokes
   
Twas the night before impeachment, and all through the house,
all the congressmen were stirring, to kick out the louse.
All the boxes were packed, by the front door with care,
in the hopes that Al Gore would soon be there.

The American public were snug in their beds,
visions of high stock returns danced in their heads.
"We like our President, we'd like him to stay,
we don't care what he did, Ken Starr should pay."

Over in Iraq, Saddam rose with a clatter,
with each bombs thud, his weapons would scatter.
"Goddamn Bill Clinton, and his perjurious way's,
he fucked up, now I have to pay."

"I've dicked him around, that much is true,
about foreign policy, he hasn't a clue.
They've looked everywhere, even up my ass,
but they still can't find any poisonous gas."

Back at home, Bill's distracted us again,
We can see footage of the bombs, live on CNN.
His statements under oath were nothing but lies,
big old fat ones, like Monica's thighs.

When will we learn, what price will we pay?
Will we trust the President again someday?
When the commander in chief, for the law shows disdain,
he will continue to cause the country much pain.
 

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonImpeachment3

   Author:   Joel Braverman
   Email: joel.braverman@mirrormagazine.com
   Date: 1998/12/18
   Forums: cakewalk.audio
   
Twas the night before Impeachment and all through the _House_
Republicans spoke out and called Bill a louse
For cheating his wife and lying in court.
Was it misdemeanor, well, or was a tort?

While loudly the Democrats strongly opposed
(though they knew the emperor rarely wore clothes)
"Though it was a lie it was just about sex"
This made the republicans sorely get vexxed.
"it is not about sex, for he lied in court"
(but was it misdemeanor, high crime or a tort?)

As they all argued, suddenly there was a boom
as pieces of Iraq met up with their doom.
Missiles and bombs, gunfire and blood
As cruise missiles hungrily saught out more scud's

But over in Iraq, though Saddam lost respect.
At lease the CIA still delivered his check.
For valueable service frequently performed
We need a scape goat, so saddam was pre-warned.
the bombs they will fall, here, here and here,
So at least try to act like your feeling some fear.

And then from Penn. Ave, there came a big laugh
(yes from Ol' Bill Clinton)
For he just read the Penthouse that Flint guy was printing

"Bob Livingston, Ho Ho, that son of a gun, he still cant top
the number of chicks that _I've_ done"
But 33 years he kept from his wife.
If I coulda done that, I'd have an easier life.

But their ain't no way, that I will resign.
No matter how much Al Gore doth squirm and whine
I'll just order up more bombs on the phone, and find a new intern
Whom i can bone.

Besides that, I'll win in senatorial court, regardless of if
its midemeanor or tort.

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonImpeachment4

   Author:   javadude
   Email: javadude@texas.net
   Date: 1998/12/18
   Forums: alt.impeach.clinton
   
The Week Before Christmas
    by javadude@texas.net

'Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the House,
Representatives discussed Bill betraying his spouse;
While bombing began, cruise missiles in air,
In hopes that Saddam soon would scare;

The Iraqis were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of explosions danced in their heads;
The Commander in Chief, has caused all this crap,
From inviting an intern to sit in his lap.

When out on the Capital there arose such a clatter,
Democrats and Republicans argued the matter.
Away to the window I saw I bright flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

Even at midnight, Capitol offices aglow
Giving the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Articles of impeachment, threaten Bill's career!

With a little old driver, whose name was Hyde,
Ready to impeach the man who lied.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, GOODLATTE! now, BONO! now, MCCOLLUM and STARR!
On, JENKINS! on CANADY!  SENSENBRENNER and BARR!
To the House and the Senate! to Capitol Hill!
Impeach! Impeach! Impeach away Bill!"

As dry leaves that before the political winds fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the Congressmen flew,
With the sleigh full of accusations, and Ken Starr too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on C-SPAN
The Democrats defending the President again.
I changed the channel to CNN,
Attacks on Iraq, I heard them defend.

The debates and defenses and politics rage,
An embarassment is this country's history page;
Confusing the issues is the rule of the day,
This is much more than political play.

The President's eyes -- how they once twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His deceiving mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Every time he would speak, his nose would grow;

His actions betrayed the trust of the people,
Of defenses we hear, some are quite feeble,
Many have urged Bill to resign,
But he says this has never entered his mind.

We listen to this mess on the evening news,
No matter what happens, we Americans lose.
Impeachent!  Bombing Iraq, to show U.S. might.
My what a Christmas.  To all a good night!

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonImpeachment5

   Author:   Tomarkfn94
   Email: tomarkfn94@aol.com
   Date: 1998/12/16
   Forums: alt.fan.don-imus
   
Help me finish it....

'Twas the night for Impeachment,

And all through the House
The members were voting
"yea' or "nay" on the louse...

The White House was dressed
In her holiday attire
In the hopes that the New Year
Will see Clinton retire....

NEXT!

Pat
Queen of the Road

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
-Harlan Ellison

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonImpeachment6

   Author:   Marty Pflum
   Email: marty@io.com
   Date: 1998/12/23
   Forums: tx.guns
   
Twas the night before impeachment, when all through the House,
Every congresscritter was stirring, watching old Hyde and Conner joust.
The votes were being courted by Delay with care,
In hopes that Clintons departure would soon be there;
The Democrats were crying, what more can be said?,
While visions of Senate Trials danced in their head;
And Monica in her beret, with Trip at her back,
Had just settled down to chew the fat.
When out on the White House lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to the picture tube to see what was the matter.

Away with composure my face was white in a flash;
Tomahawks and cruise missiles; Wag the Dog was real at last.
With tracers streaking above the bombs as they blow;
It gave lustre to the buildings of Baghdad below.
When what from the Enterprise should appear,
But an A6 and F14 with Butlers good cheer;
With a little old liar, so lively, and quick,
I knew in a moment it was Clinton, that sorry prick.
More numerous than coporate layoffs his mistresses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Now Jones, now Willey for fondlen and caressn
On Monica, on Flowers for cigars and kissn
To the top of Capitol Hill with Rehnquist on call!
Now gather the Senators, gather one and all!

                    Merry Christmas

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonImpeachment7

   Author:   Bill Nalty
   Email: bilnalty@bellsouth.net
   Date: 1998/12/25
   Forums: alt.current-events.clinton.whitewater
   
The following appeared in today's edition of the Antelope Valley Press
of Lancaster and Palmdale, California.

      'Twas the night before impeachment

        'Twas the night before impeachment and all through the House,
        All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
        The Articles were hung on the Capitol with care,
        In hope that 'ol Bubba would be trapped in his lair.
        Republicans were warmly nestled with the Feds,
        While visions of perjury danced in their heads,
        And Barr with his rhetoric, and Hyde with his trap,
        had just settled in for an after noon nap,
        When out in the Gulf there arose such a clatter,
        They tuned CNN to see what's the matter,
        And what to their wondering eyes should appear,
        but Tomahawk missiles cruising like reindeer,
        With a presidential address, so lively and quick,
        They knew in a moment, it must be Ol' Slick,

        More loyal than beagles, his sup porters they came,
        And he whistled and shouted and called them by name,
        Now Conyers, now Gephardt, forget about the vixen!,
        On Barney! On Albright! Hey, I'm no Nixon!,
        from Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
        Now dash away, Spin away, Fool them all.

        And then the Republicans heard on the roof,
        the prancing and pawing of each little goof,
        As they scratched their heads and were turning around,
        Resilient ol' Slick polled another rebound.
        No longer was he eating his big humble pie,
        While assaulting Saddam with bombs from the sky,
        A bundle of noncompliant weapons he had flung at Iraq,
        It looked like again, Slick Willie was back.

        His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples so merry;
        he grasped for an intern - he wanted a cherry;
        His droll, big mouth was all drawn in a grin;
        he knew all at once he had fooled them again;
        The stump of a stogie he held in his teeth,
        The smoke had encircled his head like a wreath,
        He had a broad face like an old lumberjack,
        and two baggy eyes from doin' the crack,
        He was confident and strong, a right jolly old elf,
        the Republicans, they wept in spite of themselves,
        A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
        soon let them know, they had something to dread.

        He spoke the right words, and went straight to his work,
        Ignoring the fact, that some think him a jerk,
        And shaking his finger, and thumbing his nose,
        by "Wagging the Dog," up the polls he rose.
        He turned to his spinmeistors and gave them whistles,
        They cheered Slick Wllie, as he launched planeloads of missiles.

        They heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
        "Happy Ramadan to all, and Thank God for this fight."

         Bill Holmes
         Quart Hill, California
         Letter to the Editor
         Antelope Valley Press
         December 24, 1998

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Short Title: PoliticsClintonZippergate

BUBBA

'Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.

The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.

When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.

Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!

And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.

With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.

On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.

The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.

And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.

And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders.

You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!

More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"

"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"

"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."

And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.

We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And - horror of horrors -
He likes to get blown!

A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton fucks.

The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!

Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck -
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.

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Short Title: PoliticsCuba

From: Tick-Tock Man (earth@dot.com)
Subject: The Night Before Christmas (in Cuba) 
Newsgroups: alt.politics.communism
Date: 2003-12-09 21:50:06 PST 

Cortesía de Pedro Sánchez
--

The Night Before Christmas (in Cuba)
by Howard E. Morseburg

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land,
No Christmas trees could be seen because they were banned.
And no stockings could be hung in the house anywhere,
(Cubans were lucky if they had any to wear!).

No Nikes, Nintendos, or roller-blades could be found,
There weren't any toy stores anywhere around.
Ol' Santa had skipped Cuba, 'twas not he forgot,
For Castro had ordered.if sighted.he'll be shot.

There'll be no joy at Christmas, for Santa can't go,
There'll  be no joy at Christmas, Fidel's made it so!
There's no freedom to worship, or just to critique,
In a Socialist system that's not so unique.

The children must study the communist dictum,
The things they're forbidden are part of the system.
Fidel is their Santa, though his beard is so black,
But he's the sole reason their economy's slack.

Let's pray for Cuban children on this Christmas eve,
They won't have a Christmas or Santa to believe,
There'll be no tiny reindeer to bring them a gift,
There's no Christmas joy to give their spirits a lift.

No toys under the tree, no fam'ly holiday,
No freedom of speech, nor freedom to pray,
The government controls everything that they do,
So they'll just go to school, then work in the fields too.

There's no joy at Christmas in a land that's not free,
They don't learn Christ's story of the nativity.
There are no sparkling lights, there old friends dare not meet,
No carolers singing as they walk down the street.

It's one more day of the year, there's only more work,
Their Santa's a black-bearded old Communist jerk.
There'll be no joy at Christmas, Fidel's made it so.
There'll be no joy in Cuba.for Santa can't go!


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Last Modified January 7, 2007