Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/
Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.
See the Main Index for the complete contents.
************************************************************Short Title: PetsCat1 A CAT'S CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. 'Cuz the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart- Ate his mousey intestines And chewed up his heart. Kitty thought he heard sleighbells, which made him take pause- He stopped daintily lickng the blood from his claws. "Must be Santa" thought Kitty (that quite clever cat) 'Cuz nobody else climbs down the chimney like that. Indeed it was ol' Santa, so jolly and fat With a load of presents and all for the cat! "Wow, the best Christmas ever!" Kitty thought with a purr, Then he coughed up a hairball and shed some more fur. -- Yeah, YOU might not think it's much of a poem, but then, you're not a cat! AUTHORS UNKNOWN ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsCat2 Author: marcia Email: marcia@hep.net Date: 1998/11/25 Forums: rec.pets.cats.community 'Twas da night before Christmas And all thru da house. Not a creetchur was stirrin', Not even dat mouse! Mommy and Daddy was safe in deir bed But I couldn't get da mousie outta my head! So I went to da kitchen and looked all around, And you wouldn't believe what I did found! Dere on da table dere was a great site- A glass of milk had been left in the night! So I got up on da table and dranked it all gone And ate half a cookie and layed down and yawned When outside da house, their arose such a racket, I jumped on da floor, gettin ready to attack it! I got real low, so da monsters wouldn't see me And puffed out my fur and hid under da tree When what, to my big green eyes did appear, But a great big red guy with a fuzzy white beard! The beard swayed around and enticed me a bit So I wiggled my butt and jumped upon on it! The red guy was surprised and felled on da tree "Uh-oh!" I thought. Mom and Dad will blame me! So I ran up da stairs and I got out of site And I didn't go down for da rest of da night. In da morning I slowly approached Mom and Dad. You shoulda seen da big mess that they had! But when they seed me they just smiled and sighed. So I head-butted Momma and purred by Dad's side. And dis next part still bring tears to my eyes. But Momma and Daddy had a surprise: Da big red guy with da fuzzy white beard Had left me a gift for bein good all year! ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsCat3 Message 1 in thread From: Pamela O'Sullivan (posulliv@mcls.rochester.lib.ny.us) Subject: twas the nite before Newsgroups: rec.pets.cats.community Date: 2002-12-23 07:09:51 PST twas the nite before the nite before an' all thru-out da land kitties scurried an' hurried toward a nite dat wud be grand. Paco an' Charlie sent wishes tew all dere kitty frens' an' da antis an' da uncles an' effun d*gs an' TEDS... Merry, merry Kissamouse an' a Bast-blessed noo yeer frum ower hous tew yur hous (an' spehsully fur Miss Moneypenny, deer.) Sined, PacoBell Charlie (P.S. Happy Kissamouse, my fren Miss Bootsie!) an' Meowmie Pam ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsCat4 From: Every9man (every9man@aol.com) Subject: A Cat's Night Before Christmas Newsgroups: alt.true-crime Date: 2002-12-25 00:27:54 PST Twas the night before Christmas kids were tucked up in bed. They couldnt help thinking of what Mama had said. What was it again? Oh, "The fog's thick as stew". I hope that St. Nicholas can make his way through. Not only the children could hear Mama's words. But Mittens, curled up in the chair also heard. Her sharp ears perked up, and she opened one eye. "No Santa--no catnip" she thought with a sigh. One here in the East, Santa Claus starts his trip" Mittens said to herself while licking her lips. "Why isnt he here? His milk's getting warm If he doesn't come soon I will sound the alarm. When the cuckoo clock chirped that the time was midnight, Mittens slid through her pet door, knowing things were not right. She mewed for her pal who lived in the alley; Old Buttons and she must come up with a rally, They huddled together to make a decision, They scampered away to accomplish their mission. Very soon he word spread through cities and towns, From the east coast of Maine to the Wyoming Downs, The secret was whisssspered from one cat to another, From females to toms, and from kittens to mothers. To their watch posts they went----- leaving comfort at home------- From Persians in Pittsburgh to calicoes in Nome. On fence posts and tree limbs on porches and roofs, The Siamese and Persians and Manx made their moves. They crouched there all soundless and gazed up at the sky, In hopes they'd soon hear Santa's sleigh bells on high. In the meantime, St. Nicholas was getting frustrated, From dealing with problems This fog had created. The sleigh had been circling for two hours or more, Nick attempting to see a tall chimney or door. When, suddenly, he saw an incredible sight; His fog beams reflected some almond shaped lights, The cat's eyes, like runways were easy to follow, So Santa and reindeer took off like Apollo, As he called on each home, A cat lay in wait To guide him along so he wouldnt be late. From one to another they purred and meowed, Till just before dawn Santa finished somehow! Then two little children, with faces aglow, Ran out to see where their stockings were stowed, Passing Mittens, they said "My how lazy you are; "You've not moved from this spot or at least not too far." But Santa knew better, as he soared to the skies, Watching millions of homes with cats snoozing inside, "They've truly helped out Without them I believe, We would never have made it on this Christmas Eve. "So, rest easy, dear felines, and thanks for your trouble, Merry Christmas to all, may your nine lives be doubled!" Sue Carabine (kinda soppy but I like it) Barbara aka B' ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsCat5 Subject: Penny the Cat's Night Before Christmas - the poem Newsgroups: rec.pets.cats.anecdotes Date: 2002-12-24 15:48:10 PST Penny the Cat's Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, certainly no mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hope they'd be filled with good things to share; The people were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of Christmas danced in their heads; Princess was snoozing, I napped just a little Then settled down into my lonely night vigil, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, A man shouting and laughing as mad as a hatter. Away to the window I pounced in a flash, Tore open the shutters and climbed up the sash. The moonlight revealed the wind-driven snow And things to be chased! And places to go! When, what should appear above the dark houses, But a sleigh, pulled along by enormous horned mouses, With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I thought to myself, "What makes this guy tick?" More rapid than house flies his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, like one quite insane; "Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! And you others, I guess my memory needs fixin'! To the top of the roof! And don't let me fall! Or we'll need to make a side trip to the mall!" Surely as I know how to make a grown man cry, And by clawing his chair bring a tear to his eye, So up to the house-top the mouses they flew, With the sleigh full of toys, and fresh catnip too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the deck The scamper of mice; I thought "What the heck?" As I sharpened my claws, and was turning around, Down the chimney this strange guy came with a bound. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toe, Politically incorrect as fashions now go; A bundle of toys he had flung on his shoulder, I saw them and then I began feeling bolder. His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples - how funny His cheeks were like roses, his nose a bit runny! His droll little mouth was drawn up in smile, He was carrying catnip I can smell it a mile; The stump of a pipe he held tight like a charm, I hoped that the smoke wouldn't trip the alarm; He had a broad face and a little round belly, But the smoke from that pipe was a little too smelly. Just then he saw me, he leaned and drew near, And put me at ease when he scratched on my ear; And letting me know I had nothing to dread, He gave me a couple of pats on the head. He spoke not a word, but dumped out the toys And we played for a while, a night full of joys! Then laying his finger aside of his nose, Sneezed several times and up the chimney he rose; And then he explained the awful truth that, In real life he's quite allergic to cat. He gathered himself and climbed in his sleigh And said "For one night it was sure fun to play!" While I settled down to my own special treat, Made of toys and of catnip and good things to eat I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight "Merry Christmas to all ACHOOOOOO!! And good night!" Dedicated to everyone who will keep the company of cats this Christmas and to those who can't but wish that they could. And to everyone: Merry Christmas! (and I apologize for the bad poetry.) -- Ron Z Tidings of comfort and joy! ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsCat6
from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html
The Night before Catmas
Twas the night before Catmas
When all through the house
Not an animal was stirring,
Not even the mouse.
The kitties were snuggled
And tucked in their beds,
While visions of cat goodies
Danced in their heads.
Their stockings were hung
By the cat bowls with care,
In hope that Father Catmas
Soon would be there.
Out on the rooftop
There arose such a hissing,
I knew Father Catmas
Was having trouble parking.
I jumped on the couch,
Stuck my nose to the curtain.
"Here he is!", I purred
"It is him, I'm certain."
What to my deep blue eyes
Should appear,
But Father Catmas himself
In his Catsled gear.
He purred and he purredred,
But through the kitty door he went,
Then stopped and smelled the air
As he picked up a scent.
The cat cookies we left him
Were by the back door.
The kitties had baked them
Not an hour before.
He went about his work
With never a sigh,
Filling the stockings
With toys piled high.
He waved at me
With his mighty paw.
Although I was hiding,
'Twas my little nose he saw.
Out the kitty door he went
In oh such a rush,
Jumped on his catsled
And yelled out, "MUSH!"
The eight Maine Coon cat team
Were raring to go.
They hated 'stand stay',
Especially in the snow.
I could hear him hissing
As he disappeared that night,
"Merry Catmas to all!
OK team, turn rrrrright!"
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Short Title: PetsCat7 From: http://www.literary-cat.cwc.net/Twas_the_night.htm Contributed by: Ilze Oredson 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, in the sleeping cats house, Not a feline was stirring-for even a mouse, Cat stockings were hung by the door with care, In hope Santa Paws soon would be there. The kittens were snuggled in mama cats bed, With brothers and sisters curled head-to-head, And mama cat on her quilt, and I on my mat, Had just settled into a delicious catnap. When out of the yard there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my mat to see what was the matter. Away to the windows, I flew like a flash, Climbed up the curtains, and pressed my nose to the glass. And what in the world did my feline eyes see, But a small golden chariot, pulled by cats just like me! With a fluffy old driver, so white and so furry, I knew in a moment it must be Saint Purr-y. More rapid than rabbits his kitties did came, And he yowled and meowed, calling each cat by name. "On, Slippers, On, Sneakers, On, Bigfoot, On, Spats! Christmas is coming, lets go gentle cats." Now, White Sox, Now, Bootsie, Lets go gloves and mittens! To the back porch we do fly! lets go cats and kittens! So down to the catdoor, his kittens they flew, With a catnip filled chariot-and Santa Paws too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the latch. The paws and clawing of Santa-paws scratch, As I sniffed for his scent and looked all around, Through the cat door Santa-paws came with a bound. His eyes how they sparkled, his whiskers, how merry! His cheeks were like marshmallows,his pink nose like a cherry! His little cat mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the fur on his paws was as white as the snow. He meowed not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings, and turned with a jerk. Then washing his whiskers, his ears, coat and tail, After having a snack, out the cat door he sailed. He jumped in his chariot, to his team gave a yowl, And away they all flew, like nine cats on the prowl, But I heard him meow, as he drove out of sight, "Meowy Christmas to all, an to all a good night." (Stefanie Samek) ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsCat8 From: Rainy (pleiades_fire@hotmail.com) Subject: The Night Before... at my house (parody of the poem) Newsgroups: rec.pets.cats.anecdotes Date: 2003-12-19 07:37:04 PST I wrote this for my personal website http://www.rainy-day-laughter.com and thought I'd share it here. Happy holidays, everyone. ~~ 'Twas the night before Christmas and here in my house, my kitties were chewing an old catnip mouse. Their food bowls were empty way back in the kitchen, as the hour approached they call the bewitchin'. My puppies were snoring, asleep in their beds (while nothing at all went on in their heads). My sis in her jammies and me in mine too had both gone to bed to have a nice snooze, when in our backyard a commotion arisen caused Nia to call out, "Those noises - what is it?" Away in my booties and to the back door, I looked out in darkness but then I saw more. A full moon shone down on the sparkling snow, giving shadow and substance to all shapes below, when what to my half-open eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer - with a little old driver whose form gave me pause - I knew in an instant, well, there's Santa Claus! So up to our rooftop his reindeer all flew, with a sleigh full of kitsch and St. Nicholas too. With Nia I listened as up on the roof we heard the climp-clomping of each little hoof. As I drew in a breath and was turning about, down the chimney the fat man appeared with a shout. He was dressed all in fur, what a jolly old boy - but to Jax and Josiah, a plump catnip toy. That bundle of goodies went plop on the floor as he hobbled and fell down with my animals four. My cats - he was catnip! My dogs didn't like him! (Jax sharpens his claws, and then Cimmy bites him.) As Tasha went barking to beg him for treats, my Maltese (called Cimmy) mistook him for meat. The dogs had decided he'd make a nice meal when in flies our Stevie - the guard cockatiel! She nipped at his nose and got in a few kicks (our Stevie's a girl, named after Ms. Nicks). Our cats were both growling as fur flew around (some of it Santa's, I afterwards found.) Our dogs, they both chased him, and the cats jumped in too - St. Nick grabbed his goodies and went back up the flue. He leapt on his sleigh, to his team said "Let's book!" And away they all flew, without a back look. "No more to your house! It's too wild and too zoo-ish!" That's okay, we told him - 'cause anyway, we're Jewish. -- *Carol* http://www.rainy-day-laughter.com ~ Home of Happy Liederhosen's Hollywood, The Codfather's Punny Movies, Your Weekly Rainyscope & even more yet. UPDATED FRIDAYS! ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsChicken
From http://p072.ezboard.com/fbackyardchickensfrm15.showMessage?topicID=36.topic
and http://bunnyhollow.org/twas2004/stchick.html
The Night Before Chick-mas
T'was the night before Christmas...and all through the coop
Not a creature was stirring, not even to poop.
The feeders were hung by the nestbox with care
In hopes that St. Chickolas, soon would be there
The henlets were nesting, all snug on their eggs
with visions of meal worms, all 'round their legs.
The chicks under mama, the roos on the roost,
(They managed to get there without e'en a boost!)
When out in the pen there arose such a squawk!
Louder than even an owl or a hawk!
Away to the bird house I flew like a quail!
Shot gun in hand for to kick me some tail!
The moon on the breast of the new-laying hens
gave a shine to the eggshells to be shared among friends
A nest upon runners showed up in the night
pulled by eight pullets, a marvelous sight!
With a big rumpless rooster in that unlikely sleigh
Proclaiming his presence by just crowing away!
As quickly as cockerels who've just spied a worm,
He chuckled and cackled and called names in turn.
"Now Henny! now Penny, Now Fluffer and Puff!
On Brownie! on Downy! on Princess and Duff!
To the top of the coop! To the top of the netting!
None faster than you, on that I am betting!"
As feathers that fly in the wintery breeze,
Aloft they did go, lofting with ease!
Up to the coop-top, the cluckers they flew,
with baskets of chick-treats, and St. Chickolas too!
Then, with an inkling of how they would go,
I heard pecking and scratching from each little toe.
As I put up the shot gun and clicked on the lock,
in through the chick-door he came with a "BAWK"
He was dressed as a Silkie, from his head to his tail.
The comb on his head left no doubt he was male!
A bag full of scratch he held in his beak,
Which he shared with the girls when they ventured a peek!
His cape how it glittered, his head held so merry!
His tail shown like snow, how proud it did carry!
His wattles hung down like a beard bright and red,
and his comb stood up straight from the top of his head!
The wisp of some hay he held tight in his beak,
and it waved in the air when his head gave a tweak!
He had a broad chest, and a round little crop,
Which he filled all the way till one thought it might pop!
He was proud and high steppin', a fabulous roo!
Clearly he'd never end up in a stew!
A dance to the side and the drop of a wing,
had hens a'swoonin', the cocky old thing!
He plucked not a feather from my sleeping hens,
just sprinkled the scratch as if making amends.
He cooed to them all, to assure all was well,
The message he left, no human could tell
He leaped to his nest-sleigh, to his pullets he clucked!
And up they did flap, as the load had been chucked.
But his head he did raise, crowing bright as a match
"MERRY CHICK-MAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD HATCH!"
--
Lexicon of Chicken Terms
Cockerel: A young domestic rooster, not older than one year
Crop: a pouchlike enlargement of a bird's gullet in which food
is partially digested or stored for regurgitation to nestlings
Pullet: a young domestic hen, usually one that is less than one year old
Roo: nickname for rooster
Silkie: one of the oldest of the rare breeds of poultry. Very unusual looking chickens,
their feathers appear to look like hair, they also have black skin, bones,
five toes and feathers on their feet.
Scratch: poultry feed, usually a combination of cracked corn with other whole grains.
Wattle: a fleshy, wrinkled, often brightly colored fold of skin hanging from the neck
or throat, characteristic of chickens or turkeys
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Short Title: PetsDog1 From: Emma (saveastray@doglover.com) Subject: The Night Before Dog-mas Newsgroups: rec.pets.dogs.rescue Date: 2001-12-25 22:46:46 PST The Night Before Dog-mas By Claudine Gandolti "Twas the night before Dog-mas when all through the pound Not a puppy was yelping or playing around; Our leashes were hung, by our kennels with care, In hopes that St. Bernard would soon find us there; Chihuahuas were curled up, all snug in their beds, While visions of doggie treats danced in their heads; Max in his collar, on somebody's lap, Had tucked in his tail for a midwinter's nap, When outside the room there arose such a clatter, My ears perked right up to hear what was the matter. Away to the window I jumped up with glee, And barked at the shadows that were cast by a tree. The glow from the moon changed night into day, And started me thinking,"woof woof time to play!" When, what with my puppy-dog eyes did I see, But a splendid dog sled, led by doggies like me. With a regal furred driver commanding, not stern. I yelped to the others,"That must be St. Bern!" More rapid than greyhounds our saviors they came, And we barked and we howled, and called them by name: "There's Duchess! There's King! Fat Chance, and bare Buffy! On Fido! On Scooter! On Rover and Scruffy! Go by the red fire hydrant and run pass those trees! Nothing can stop you, not even some fleas!" As puppies at play chase after a stick, and race to their masters So lively and quick, so out in the field his canines all flew, Catching the frisbees, that St. Bernard threw. And then in an instant I heard at the door the Scratching and clawing of each little paw. As I pulled in my nose, and was turning around, Through he door St. Bernard came in with a bound. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his tail His wood cask adorned with an icing of hail; A bag of chew toys he had brought in with him, And his mouth was turned up into what looked like grin. His eyes how they twinkled! His ears flopped, how merry! His coat shone like crystal, his nose like a cherry! His big floppy mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the fur on his chin was as white as the snow; The stump of a bone was held tight in his teeth, And his collar encircled his neck like a wreath. He had a large face and a furry, round belly That bounced when he barked, like a bowl full of jelly. He was fluffy and plump, a big cuddly, old pooch and I laughed when I saw him and gave him a smooch. A wink of his eye and a wag of his tail; we knew right away We'd have homes without fail. He howled not a howl, But went straight to his deed, and took down our leashes That soon we would need. He opened the door, And families stood there, with children, all smiling, And much love to spare. He lept to his sled, to his team gave a call and away they all flew as if chasing a ball. But I heard him exclaim as he chewed on a bone; "Happy Dog-mas to all and to all a good home!" ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: PetsDog2 Submitted by: Ginni Kitchen December 2002 Dog's Night Before Christmas Author Unknown Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. My dogs were nestled, all snug in "MY" bed, While visions of chewie toys danced in their heads. I in my sweat pants and Dad in his sweater, Had just settled down to read the Great Dog Reporter, When up on the roof there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter! Off to the window I flew in a flash, Tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow Gave a luster of midday to the objects below. And what to my wondering eyes did appear but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. With a sputter of ashes -- a flurry of soot, He slid down the chimney with all of his loot. My Dogs stood there so regal and proud, Guarding their home with barks oh so loud. St. Nick showed no fear and called them by name, He knew in his heart they were gentle and tame. He brought out his list, checking it twice. "Well, my beauties, all year you've been very nice. I have in my bag toys and much more, Just tell me what you pups really long for." My dogs talked to each other -- much to my surprise and turned to Santa with tears in their eyes, "We have chewies and balls and ropes to be tugged, We are pampered and coddled and petted and hugged. But for Christmas, dear Santa, we have but one care, that all dogs be loved as much as we are. We want no dog beaten, whipped or chained, No dog abandoned, abused or maimed. We want all dogs, no matter what size, to see love reflected in their master's eyes." St. Nick stopped for a moment to gather his wits, "I have nothing to stop humans from being such twits." All dogs are so beautiful and are such a treasure, Living only to be loved and give humans pleasure. This lesson I will try to teach Then maybe your wish will be within my reach." St. Nick leaned over and kissed each beautiful head. "Now you gentle giants, go off to bed. Think good thoughts and dream good dreams Of running and jumping and playing in streams." St. Nick turned to me, his face wet with tears. "Be proud of your babies, they are such dears." In an instant St. Nick disappeared in a poof, And I heard him chuckle as he ran on the roof. He jumped in his sleigh and to his team gave a whistle, and off he flew like the down on a thistle. And I heard him exclaim as the drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to All and To All Dogs a Good Life!" ************************************************************ ************************************************************