Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 31 of 50
January 7, 2007
Compiled by: Matthew Monroe
Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/
Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.
See the Main Index for the complete contents.
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Short Title: OriginalPlusAsciiArt
From: Callahan's Pixie (pixi@shell.pubnix.net)
Subject: #25 - Didi's Advent Calendar, 2001 - Finis
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Date: 2001-12-24 21:02:12 PST
[ Remember, to properly view ASCII art work you must use a ]
[ non-proportional font like "Courier." ]
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
. *
. /.\
. /..'\ WHEATSFIELD GAZETTE
. /'.'\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
. /.''.'\
. /.'.'.\ TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25th, 2001
. /'.''.'.\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
. ^^^[_]^^^
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
Dear Readers,
It's just 5 minutes past midnight on Christmas, and:
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
___
/ __'. .-"""-.
.-""-| | '.'. / .---. \
/ .--. \ \___\ \/ /____| |
/ / \ `-.-;-(`_),____.-'._
; ; `.-" "-:_,(o:==..`-. '. .-"-,
| | / \ / `\ `. \ / .-. \
\ \ | Y __...\ \ \ / / \/
/\ | | | .--""--.| .-' \ '.`---' /
\ \ / / |` \' _...--.; '---'`
\ '-' / jgs /_..---.._ \ .'\\_ `.
`--'` .' (_) `'/ (_) /
`._ _.'| .'
``````` '-...--'`
"A Visit From St. Nicholas"
by Clement Clarke Moore (ASCII art by joan stark)
`'`;,
___H_ _(`)
_ _ 'Twas the night before Christmas _/\ \ ( ) )
(o\_/o) and all through the house... /\__\\____\( )_)
|. .| Not a creature was stirring, ||""||''''| |`|
=\ /= not even a mouse. ~~~`""""`""""`~~~~~~
^ _ _ _ _
The stockings were hung |=| |=| |~| |=|
o _ by the chimney with care, | | | | | | | |
|(')---.| In hopes that St. Nicholas /(| /(| /(| /(|
|~~|o _ | would soon be there. (_/ (_/ (_/ (_/
|===|(')---.|
|~~| | The children were all nestled _,_
o _|=======| all snug in their beds, _,_(( )
|(')---.| While visions of sugar plums (( )`-`_,_
|~~| | danced in their heads. '-' (( )
|=======| `-`
o _ And Mamma in her 'kerchief, ___,
|(')---.| and I in my cap, /(__\ .---.
|~~| | Had just settled our brains |__)__| / \_\
|=======| for a long winter's nap. ,@@. .@@, |_____|\|
,@@ ^ @@, //. .\\
(IIIIIIIIIII) When out on the lawn `"\_=_/"` ( ^ )
) ; ( there arose such a clatter, \_=_/
( ;|; ) I sprang from my bed
( ;`|`; ( to see what was the matter. * ____ . *
) ;' | '; ( .'_ '.
(=@'--|--'@=) Away to the window ' ` `)a \ . '
) '; | ;` ( I flew like a flash, . * /_ |
( ;___|___; ) Tore open the shutters ,__.=' / + '
),;=======;,( and threw up the sash. + '.____.' .
~ ~ '
. . The moon on the breast ' * .
_\/ \/_ of the new-fallen snow
_\/\/_ Gave the lustre of mid-day . *
_\_\_\/\/_/_/_ to objects below. _ _H_ +
/ /_/\/\_\ \ + [_] (_)_
_/\/\_ When, what to my wondering |=( : ) .
/\ /\ eyes should appear, ' |( : )
* : * ' But a miniature sleigh, `~~`~~`"""`~~`~
. _\/ \/_ . and eight tiny reindeer.
* \ \ / / * __. .--,
-=>: X :<=- With a little old driver, .=,{\/ _/ /`)
* / _/ \_ \ * so lively and quick, . ' (`._(_.;` /
' /\ /\ ' I knew in a moment . ' \_________/
* ' * it must be St. Nick. (___Y_____Y___,
.-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, . '
.-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, ) More rapid than eagles
`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )< his coursers they came.
/< <\ ()<_{:'
/_____\ He had a broad face `'//\\'`
{`_______`} and a little round belly, // \\
// . . \\ That shook when he laughed, /' '\
( (__O__) ) like a bowl full of jelly.
{[]==u `-'}
{ } He was chubby and plump, ____
/{ }\ a right jolly old elf, .'` `\
/ '. .' \ And I laughed when I saw him, ;---.._ \
/_/ `"` \_\ in spite of myself; ,=,==, \_...__\ |
{__}###[_]###{__} __\|_/__ | a - '.|
(_/\_________/\_) A wink of his eye | || |--.o.--'(_)
|___|___| and a twist of his head, | || |-' = '-` )-.
jgs |--|--| Soon gave me to know |___||___| ) \
(__)`(__) I had nothing to dread. |"""||"""| ) |
|__ || _| ) |
He spoke not a word, /` )||__\'\;'--.-' |
but went straight to his work, \ /`-;( / .' /
And filled all the stockings; '-.; '--| ; .-'|
[IIIII] then turned with a jerk, `'--.;--'...-'
[IIIII]=|
|=====|=| And laying his finger
|=====| | aside of his nose,
| | | And giving a nod, _/\_ __/\__
| | | up the chimney he rose; ) (_ _) .' (
| | \ `) '.( ) .' (`
| ; \ He sprang to his sleigh, `-._\()/__(~`
|`'. \ \ to his team gave a whistle, ()()
\ ; \ \ And away they all flew / |`\
\' \.'| like the down of a thistle. ) : (
\ .'|_/ `)_/`
'._:_/ But I heard him exclaim,
Ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night !"
__. .--,
.-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, _.-.=,{\/ _/ /`)
.-/___,-/___,-/___,-/___, ) _..-'`-(`._(_.;` /
`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )`\ _ )<`--''` (__\_________/___,
/< <\ > > > > > > >
. * x, /
.x/--\xxl ,xx . * ,gb ' v#' . . ' *
.dMT 'q| |MM ' '"' .dM *
dMM * ` |MM/dMg, qgg;+Ml qgg j/"`+ qMM-. qgg/dM#,w#Mb ,g'`fg, j/"`+
MMM .' |MM MM| |MM` " |MM MMbx/ |MM |MM |M| MM `p'. M| MMbx/
'MMl + . |MM MM| |MM . |MM .`vMMl |MM |MM |M| MM ,',!.'| .`vMMl
'vMb...r/` jMM..MM|. jMM. + jMM. +,.,P' 'MMx: jMM..dM|..MM, M j't | +,.,P'
"" .' * . * <=-=:: -=-> . '
(c) 2001, The Didi-Sprite - all rights reserved
.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.
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Short Title: OriolesAndYankees
Subject: A Christmas Poem
From: HOOVER
Date: 1997/12/24
Message-ID: <34A0E2E4.62C6@global.net>
Newsgroups: alt.sports.baseball.balt-orioles,alt.sports.baseball.ny-yankees
'Twas the night before Christmas,
The Yankees and O's
Were worrying about '98
and counting their woes.
The O's have Mike Bordick
The Yanks got Scott Brosius.
The fans from both teams say their prayers
"Lord Please help us."
Davey is gone,
The O's hired Ray Miller.
Gillick signed old Joe Carter
The "over-the-hiller".
The Yanks still have Irabu
Their Japanese "wonder",
But the fans aren't fooled,
This whole thing was a blunder.
Angelos, Steinbrenner
Let's all make no bones.
They are baseball's equivalent
of that buffoon Jerry Jones.
Brady stayed, so will Bernie
Boggsy went to the "Rays".
The Yanks really let
A class act get away.
Geronimo's gone,
Opening the roster for one.
Gillick ran out and signed
That bum Norm Charlton.
But we will come back,
the fans never sway.
We'll pay the big bucks
To watch our local teams play.
To all in New York
and Baltimore too
Have a happy holiday season
Stay away from Mountain Dew (that crap will kill you.)
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Short Title: Paintball
From: HuskerBug (huskerbug@aol.com)
Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas....
Newsgroups: rec.sport.paintball
Date: 1995/12/21
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, 'cept Johnny DeLouse.
He polished his gun and topped the agitator,
waiting for Santa, who would be by later.
A cruel trick Santa played on last Christmas day,
when he left for poor Johnny, a lowly Stingray.
He'd worked through the summer at the local meat locker,
he saved up and bought a tricked out Autococker.
He waited for Santa in a tactical crouch,
his cammies matched perfectly his mother's new couch.
His red dot cast an eerie glow on the place,
as he waited for Santa to show his fat face.
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,
that Johnny got ready for Santa to splatter.
He pulled down his Spectras and chambered a ball,
'cause Santa was here and was fixing to call.
Santa's no dummy, he's got intuition.
He came down the chimney with his own ammunition.
He wore an Intruder and sported a 'Mag,
A case of RP was tucked in his bag.
The volley that followed was more than just fair,
the paintballs collided in the middle of air.
Johhny dove for cover as Santa moved too,
the place would be wrecked before they were through.
When their hoppers were empty and the firing had quit,
Johnny wiped off his goggles, he couldn't see $hit.
Ol' Santa was crouching down on one knee
and stacking the presents under the tree.
Johnny was aiming to shoot him some more,
when all of a sudden, his jaw hit the floor.
Santa ignored him, in his eye was a glisten.
He layed out for Johnny a nitrogen system.
He went up the chimney as quick as he'd come
and left Johnny dripping paint, emotionally numb.
He'd ambushed ol' Santa and was now feeling mean,
Santa had the last laugh, he left him to clean.
Johnny straightened the stockings and wiped up the paint.
He cleaned until morning, he thought he would faint.
Santa's an awesome player, he thought in his head,
as trudged to his room and fell in his bed.
Don't wait up for Santa on this Christmas eve,
that jolly old fat guy has a trick up his sleeve.
If you've revenge in your eye like Johnny Delouse,
you'll only wind up bruised and cleaning the house.
Sorry for the stupid poem, Merry Christmas to all!
'Bug
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Short Title: Pantyhose
From: squeex1@hotmail.com (Your Pantyhose Princess)
Date: 1997/12/25
Message-ID: <34a1a08e.12866007@nntp.ix.netcom.com>
Newsgroups: alt.pantyhose
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the net
People were posting all kinds of old shit
So off to my hose drawer and finding a pair
I pulled them on tight all silky and sheer
I ran my hands up and down cross the seam
Surely SANTA CLAUS has something for me!!!!
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Short Title: Parents
Originally published in:
The Durham Herald-Sun
Sunday, December 24, 2000
Section E, page 7
'Twas the Night Before ...
by Penny Holloway of Durham
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town,
The houses were decorated and quiet, no adult could be found.
The children hung their socks for Santa to see, in case he was real.
They took no chances, setting out cookies and milk for Santa with zeal.
Then the children went to their beds to get a good night's sleep,
To give parents time for their grown-up things and memories to keep.
Later; Mom and Dad did the work of Santa, their shopping complete.
Their children were asleep hopefully dreaming of baby Jesus so sweet
Then, Mom and Dad, tired and sleepy, went to their bed,
Since they had finished playing Santa, they had nothing to dread.
And I heard Dad exclaim as he turned out the light,
Happy Christmas to all, and thank goodness for sleep this night.
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Short Title: PartyNight1
Author: Red Fragle
Email: redfragle@aol.com
Date: 1998/12/21
Forums: rec.music.phish
Twas the night of party
Twas the night of party
And all through the town
No pigs were around.
Twas the night of party
The joints were all rolled
And piled high in their stacks
With hopes that by midnight, we'd be stoned to the max.
We drank Southern Comfort,
And smoked Panama Red.
While visions of lights,
Enlightened our heads.
All of a sudden, there came a knock at the door
"It's a bust" we all yelled
And the freaks hit the floor.
But what to our red glossy eyes should appear
But a pound of Columbian, and two kegs of beer.
The man at the door
gave us a jolly good smile
So we invited him in to party awhile.
He sat in the corner
and started to roll
So we filled up his beer mug
and sparked up a bowl.
We heard him exclaim
as he flew through the sky
"Marijuana to all, and to all a good high!"
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Short Title: PartyNight2
Author: Billybomb
Email: chemnvix@gte.net
Date: 1998/12/26
Forums: rec.arts.poems
Twas the night of the party and all through the town
No cops were stirring, no bacon around
The doobs were all piled high in their stacks
In hope that by midnight we'd be fried to the max
All of a sudden, a knock at the door
We said "Cops" and hit the floor
And what to my wandering, blazed eyes did appear
A pound of good greenie, and a keg o' beer!!
The man at the door gave us a smile
So we asked him in, to party a while
He sat in the corner and started to roll
So we filled his mug, and he filled the bowl
We heard him exclaim, as he fell out the door
Merry Christmas to all, I'll sleep on the floor
<<<>>>
~~~Billybomb & Vixiebabe
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Short Title: Patronet(ToddRundgren)
From: Debbie Baratz (debbie@inmyeyesdesign.com)
Subject: [Fwd: Twas The Night Before Xmas]
Newsgroups: alt.music.todd-rundgren
Date: 2002-12-26 16:38:11 PST
TR-i wrote:
Mele Kalikimaka Debbie,
... And Santa did struggle
To deliver a gift while the patrons did snuggle
You see, in a way Olde St. Nick intimated
That something quite 'special' would soon be created
And wracking his brain for what might satisfy
Hunkered down at his desk in what we call The Sty
And hour after hour he hacked at the code
While the patrons all snoozed and the winter sky snowed
Twas the morning of Xmas and technically
There was still time to slip something under the tree
But a cloud of confusion beset Santy's brain
And the gift kept on crashing again and again
Though progress was made for the rest of the day
The present remained unprepared for the sleigh
Twas the day after Xmas and now glory be
There's a spanking new channel snuck under the tree
It's that autobiography Santy was writing
You're forgiven if you don't find this news exciting
But The Individualist makes for fine reading
(With only 5 pages, soon more we'll be needing)
"You're late" you may say, but in this final stanza
This holiday gift was intended for Kwanzaa!
Happy Holidays from TR-i and everyone at PatroNet
p.s.
It's seems like an eon since we've had a chat
It's time to catch up and see where we're all at
>From noon until 2 on the 4th of '03
(that's the fourth day of Jan synchronized to Kauai)
Let's meet at the The I, that channel so new
Where choas will rule and knuckleheads spew
I'll field inquiries but don't push me to far
I'll be taking down names- you know who you are!
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Short Title: PennsylvaniaDutch
from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html
Christmas Poem from the Pennsylvania Dutch
(must be read with the appropriate accent)
Der night next vas Christmas
Der Night it vas still;
Der shtockings ver hung
By der chimney to fill.
Noddink vas shturring
At all in der house
For fear do Saint Nicholas
Vas nix komm heraus.
Der childrun ver dried
Und gone to der bed
Und mutter in nightgown
Und I on ahead
Vas searching around
In der trunk for der toys
Und ve crept around kviet
Not to make any noise.
Now mutter vas carrying
All der toys in her gown
Und showink her person
From up her vaist down
Venn as ve komm near
Der crip uff our boy
Our youngest und shveetest
Our pride und our choy.
His eyes ver vide open
As he peeked from his cot
Und seen efferytink dot
His mutter has got.
But he didn't even notice
Der toys in her lap.
He chust asked, "Vot is
Dat liddle fur cap?"
Und mutter said, "Hush"
Und den laffed mit delight
"I tink I giff dot
To you fotter tonight."
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Short Title: PerennialChristmasParody1
From http://www.angelfire.com/pop/voxuli/niteb4xmas.html
The Nite B4 Xmas
by Lee & Helen
'Twas the night before Christmas
and not a moment too soon,
not a creature was stirring
nor were the pots or the spoons.
The children were wrapped
like mummies inside their blankets,
while the cats dreamt the same dream
of rodentia banquets.
Me, tossing and turning
'cuz I noshed before bed,
my gut was a-churning
as worries [scenarios] danced in my head.
But suddenly I stopped staring
a hole through the ceiling,
in response to a premonition -
a very strange feeling.
Peering out the window
I beheld the sight
of the jolly little elf
and his team in flight.
They swooped down near the eves
and dove down toward the chimney
falling like a gale's mad breeze
tin a manner most definitely un-Disney.
[The hearth barked out a loud sneeze
tin a manner most definitely un-Disney.]
I dashed down the hallway
and peaked 'round the corner
to witness a yuletide parade
that's changed my world view forever
Not reindeer, but roaches
pulled the elf's sleigh.
They landed on the ceiling
Santa screamed "OBEY!"
They giggled and hummed
and resumed their chitenous flutter,
their landing left a back draft
that sent me a shudder.
He looked round and jumped out
and went to the tree.
He called to the house,
"What? You think this service is free?"
Turning to me with an accusatory eye,
he boomed, "Geez, why izit I try?
You're supposed to leave some presents
For me to dump on the next guy!"
"Oh, no!" I exclaimed,
"I'll run and go them!"
So there I was digging
through a closet of linen.
"Ah, that's right," I muttered,
growling to myself,
"That's where I left them -
resting on a basement shelf!"
So down the stairs I ran,
cursing as I went,
I banged my head on a pipe,
which left quite a big dent.
I grabbed all the packages,
every last one,
and flew up the stairs
afraid he'd be gone.
I burst into the room
where we'd been before,
only to hear chittering in the kitchen
and a most contented snore.
He slept amongst cookie crumbs
with his sled team still feasting.
I could feel my head start to pound -
from my blood pressure increasing!
"Wake up!" I yelled
"You've got a schedule to keep!
This'll do nothing to dispel
the rumor you are a creep!"
He mumbled, "There's no need to worry,
There're my department store clones
I've no need to hurry,"
and he stood with a groan.
"Beneath the tree," he added
"your presents are there,
and you can give those [gifts] to me
and be sure to take care!"
As he loosed a wild shout
his team revved their brown wings
He cried "May your house fill with roaches
that show up in the Spring!"
Jumping into his sleigh, he started his call:
"On Flatus! On Flitter, On Goober! On Nixon!
On Blatus! On Brutus! On Wiggler! On Clintons!
[On Dioxin! | On Slim Pickens! | On Gingrichens!]
Buzz away buzz away buzz away all!"
As they flew up through the chimney
Saint Nick and his roaches,
I gasped, "Good Jiminey!
They are just too atrocious!"
Now, there's a moral in this story;
Should ever you see a flying sleigh:
Make sure you are prepared
with a can of bug spray!
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Short Title: PerennialChristmasParody2
From: leebert (leebertarian@yahoo.com)
Subject: El noche antes del navidad
Newsgroups: alt.buddha.short.fat.guy
Date: 2002-12-10 06:27:36 PST
Twas the night before Christmas
and not a moment too soon,
not a creature was stirring
nor were the pots or the spoons.
The children were wrapped
like mummies inside their blankets,
while the cats dreamt the same dream
of rodentia banquets.
Me, tossing and turning
'cuz I noshed before bed,
my gut was a-churning
as bullshit danced in my head.
But suddenly I stopped staring
a hole through the ceiling,
in response to a premonition -
a very strange feeling.
Peering out the window
I beheld the sight
of the freakin' little elf
and his team in flight.
They swooped down near the eves
and dove down toward the chimney
falling like a mad breeze
in a manner most definitely un-Disney.
Not reindeer, but roaches
pulled the elf's sleigh.
They landed on the ceiling
El Dupree screamed "OBEY!"
They giggled and hummed
and resumed their chitenous flutter,
their landing left a back draft
that gave me a shudder.
He looked round and jumped out
and went to the tree.
He called to the house,
"What? Du chew chink deez service is free?"
Turning to me with an accusatory eye,
he boomed, "Geez, why izit I try?
Chewer spost to leave some presents
por me to dump on dee next guy!"
"Oh, no!" I exclaimed,
"I'll run and go them!"
So there I was digging
through a closet of linen.
"Ah, that's right," I muttered,
growling to myself,
"That's where I left them -
resting on a basement shelf!"
Down the stairs I ran,
cursing as I went,
I banged my head on a pipe,
which left quite a big dent.
I grabbed all the packages,
every last one,
and flew up the stairs
afraid he'd be gone.
I burst into the room
where he'd been before,
only to hear chittering in the kitchen
and a most contented snore.
Dupree slept amongst cookie crumbs
with his sled team still feasting.
I could feel my head start to pound -
from my blood pressure increasing!
"Wake up!" I yelled
"You've got a schedule to keep!
This'll do nothing to dispel
the rumor you are a creep!"
He mumbled, "Ahhh, no need choo worry,
Der's all mi store clones
I got no need to hurry,"
and he stood with a groan.
"Beneath dee tree," he added
"chore presents are dare,
and chew can give doze to me
and be chur to take care!"
Dupree then opened his coat
And dug into it's inside folds
From whence he pulled a #10 headsack
Gilted with gold
"For ju, compadre
Have some fun wit dee wife
I'da had ju meeself
But chor hash brownies were alright
As he loosed a wild shout
his team revved their brown wings
He cried "May chor house feel up with roaches
dat choe up in de Spring!"
Jumping into his sleigh, he started his call:
"On Flatus! On Flitter, On Goober! On Nixon!
On Blatus! On Brutus! On Wiggler! On Dioxin!
Buzz away buzz away buzz away all!"
As they flew up through the chimney
Dupree and his roaches,
I gasped, "Good Jiminey!
They are just too atrocious!"
Now, there's a moral in this story;
Should ever you see a flying sleigh:
Have ready a bottle of MadDog
and a can of bug spray.
===
[ a corruption of something I edit every year - The Night Before the Perennial Xmas Parody -
http://www.angelfire.com/pop/voxuli/niteb4xmas.html ]
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Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA
Last Modified January 7, 2007