Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

Short Title: AltCuddle1

   Author:   cuddle_kitten
   Email: cuddle_kitten@hotmail.com
   Date: 1998/12/09
   Forums: alt.cuddle
   
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the meadow,
All the Cuddlers were hugging, and playing with the snow;
A tree stood in the middle, so tall and so green,
With baubles and lighting, a true sight to be seen;

The Cuddlers were talking and laughing with glee,
As presents were given, and cream pies flew free;
The Princesses and Knights led a grand Dance of Joy,
As Christmas drew nearer, a time to enjoy,

When all of a sudden more Cuddlers arrived,
As the newbies and lurkers, into the midst dived.
A frenzy of hugs and cuddles of course then ensued,
And as ever the bears ate yet more food :)

The moon shone over this wonderful scene,
As newbies and oldbies and all in-between,
Shared in laughter, frivolity and cuddling galore,
And CuddleKitten hopes that her poem won't bore!

The meadow is home to a great many Cuddlers,
Oldbies, and newbies and so many visitors.
A warm welcome of course, can always be found here,
Backed up with some hugs, true friendship and cheer;

"Tuggy, Kenna, Alex and Vivan
The Bunsters, Synny, Nala, and even
Dina, Winnie, Silver Eagle and Ray,
Earl Greybear, Mouse, Jon and too many to say..."

A finer group of people you'ld be hard pushed to meet,
Always willing to listen, the newbies to greet,
The people of CuddleLand deserve to be praised,
To you all, everyone of you, I stand with cup raised.

A place for reflection, for joy and for grief,
CuddleLand, a place where friendship is chief,
A place full of rainbows, gardens and trees,
Palaces, cottages and inflirtarys.

There's CuddleAnt with her little red wagon,
Locksley, Marten, Sam and Jelliebun;
Baloo, Sara, Tina and Raingiver bear,
Rachaeli bouncing here, there and everywhere :)

The meadow is full of magical things,
Tiernan's Carousel, a tree that sings,
Soon to be revealed, CuddleKitten's surprise,
With music, and lights, and a slide of great size!

As Christmas approaches it's time to reflect,
On the year that has passed, and on it's effect;
It's the season of giving, of carols, and cards,
Thankyou Ray for the card swap, it touched all our hearts.

In the meadow a snowball flies through the air,
Just missing CuddleOwl who is standing right there;
Another flies, going splat as it lands,
A snowball fight has begun, as up strikes the bands;

As carols are sung, and stories are told,
Of days of yore, and Christmas of old,
The time for the end of this poem has come,
Just one more verse and then it is done;

CuddleKitten takes the stage, a few things to say,
Firstly, I hope you all have a great Christmas Day.
You're all such great friends, KittyHugs to you all,
"Merry Christmas, Goodnight, and let's have a ball :)"


Sorry to those I haven't included by name.  I ran out of verses.  The
sentiments are for everyone.  Thanks to everyone for being such good friends.

I hope you enjoy my version of the Night before Christmas :)
Christmassy Cuddles,
CuddleKitten.

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Short Title: AltCuddle2

From: Rita Linda (hytzipky@aol.complaints)
Subject: The Night Before X-Mas 
Newsgroups: alt.cuddle
Date: 2003-12-24 11:16:51 PST 

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through alt.cuddle
The elves, spammers and flamers were all in a huddle.
The goal was to catch Santa with his bag filled with candy
Then take them and hide them in a place that was handy

The rest of CuddleLand was asleep in their beds
Dreams of overstuffed chocolate stockings danced in their heads.
But the Santa Claus heist was a massive planned theft
Nothing for the meadow -- not a gift will be left.

No toys, games or puzzles ... no candy, cakes or pies
Just a lot of wet tears filling little cuddler's sad eyes.
When the plot became reality and the meadow crooks began stealing
Cries from an over-stressed Santa set the GoodWitch Alarm squealing.

She arose from her sleep and then dashed on her broom
She forgot to open her window .... CrAsH, RuMbLe, CrUnCh and BoOm (ouch)
But once in the air, she found Santa aground
Not a toy was in sight -- not a thief was around.

She put Santa behind her and off again they flew
All the gifts will be recovered before this night is through.
She asked Santa to yell "PIZZA" and they heard a commotion
The broom radar could now track them ... they were in a frenzied motion.

They flew into the forest where the trees made them obscure
But GoodWitch pledged that her powers will endure.
The broom found a cave on outskirts of CuddleLand
It was guarded by spammers hiding in a trench near the sand

She activated her invisible mode and they quickly flew past
Oblivious to their presence would leave them aghast.
Inside the cave were the gifts piled high.
The elves were all laughing -- but that would soon die.

The flamers were all singing, "Bah Humbug to all"
Until GoodWitch cast her spell -- and their prank would soon fall.
The spell made a hologram which resembled their haul
Video games, trains and candy canes -- and a cute Barbie doll.

When Christmas is over, the hologram will fade
And those mischievous creatures will know their scam had been made.
GoodWitch refilled Santa's bag even fuller than before
So each cuddler will wake up to surprises galore.

In addition to their gifts, a P*zza will be added
It's what's making Santa's bag bigger ... a bit over padded.
The P*zza intended for the Elves ... which now they get nada.
Serves them right for this prank -- GoodWitch laughs even harder.

May your dreams be quite jolly and your destiny look bright.
Merry Christmas - Happy Chanukah -- and to all a good night.

Princess Rita
aka
GoodWitch
aka
Hytzipky 

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Short Title: AltDisneyDisneyland

   Author:Randi Kathrins \"DLFritter1\
   Email: randi.kathrins@cas.honeywell.com
   Date: 1998/12/01
   Forums: alt.disney.disneyland

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the park
Not a ride was left stirring, once DL got dark;
The people were wandering through shops in dispair,
In hopes that Walt's spirit soon would be there;

The children refused to go home to their beds,
'Cause visions of Mickey Mouse danced in their heads;
And Paul in his office, that wonderful chap,
Was tired of "planning" so took a long nap,

When down in the hub there arose such a clatter,
I ran down Main Street to see what was the matter.
Away to the center I flew like a flash,
Tore through all the shoppers who had spent lots of cash.

The moon on the Partners had made quite a glow,
Giving feelings of magic to ADDers below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a world-famous mouse, and the man he held dear,

With a sudden slight movement, that never did halt,
I knew in a moment it really was Walt!
More rapid than eagles the ADDers they came,
And he giggled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, PAWSHA! now, CANDER! now, TODDSTER and LIVER!
On, WINGERT! on GASSER! on, HIPSTERS and FRITTER!
To the edge of the berm! To the underground hall!
Let's drive away! drive away! Drive away Paul!!!!"

Now meeting our icon who'd just come alive,
We'd meet any obstacle, together we'd strive,
So up to the office the ADDers they flew,
With a dumpster for plush, and Walt Disney too.

And then, in a instant, Paul heard a few squeaks,
And the chanting and and singing of internet geeks.
With my ears on my head, I was turning around,
And into the window Walt came with a bound.

He appeared quite alive, from his head to his feet,
And his clothes were distinguished, his suit very neat;
A bundle of plush he had flung on his back,
And he looked right at Pressler then opened the sack.

Paul's eyes -- how they wrinkled! his face looked so scary!
His skin had turned ghostly, but blushed like a cherry!
He stared right at Walt who stood in the dark,
And he felt a bit guilty for ruining the park;

A handful of plush Walt held in his hand,
Then tossed it at Paul and said "Please understand;
Building this park was so dear to myheart,
But you've turned the thing into an ODV cart."

He said all the things we'd been longing to say,
And all of the things City Hall turned away;
A wink of his eye and a twist of a smile,
Soon gave me to know he would stay for a while;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all our wishes by firing that jerk,
He filled a large dumpster in quite a big rush,
And out with the garbage, Paul went with the plush;

Walt went to his Firehouse, to rest for the night,
And felt so at home 'cause we'd left on the light.
But I heard him exclaim, to the ADDers and all,
"THE MAGIC IS BACK, AND WE GOT RID OF PAUL!"

--Randi

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Short Title: AltDrugsHard

Newsgroups: alt.drugs.hard 
From: "Eaton T. Fores" 
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 09:04:08 -0500 

The Night Before ADH Christmas 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and in blew the wind
Every dope fiend was nodding, every junkie was pinned
The spoons had been set on the nightstands with care
In hopes that more bundles soon would be there

The fent suckers sat in their wrappers so tight
The Oxys were brand-name, the powder bright white
And cig burns had covered the carpet and beds
Where stockings were stuffed with Quaaludes and reds

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter
But nobody moved or cared what was the matter
Away from the wall I did roll in a flash
Leaned over the bed and threw up in my stash

The moon lit the OxyFast as it was sipped
And none of the patches on heating pads slipped
When what on the insides of eyes should appear
But a twelve-story rig filled with fresh pharmy gear

And a little old chemist, a total screwball
Handed to everyone free Diconal
And Numorphan, Diamorph, Palfium, too
Were dispensed with abandon to me and to you

Now methadone, morphine!
Now morphones and codones!
Of hydro and oxy and skulls with their crossbones!
On Contins and Roxanol!

Parests and Sopors!
On cocaine and methedrine!
Speedballs for dopers!
To the crook of the elbow and into the vein!
Now jack away, jack away
Jack away pain!

As bags overflowed and the bent spoons ran over
Pallets of Oxy were stacked up in clover
Bottles of Merck Cocaine filled up the shelves
The bounty of armies of hard-working elves

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
The scraping and scratching of each cloven hoof
As I pulled my chin off of my chest for a look
Down the chimney came Satan, who sat and partook

He was clothed all in fire, his head to his feet
And paused every few steps so he could excrete
And endless supply of narcotics so pure
That all were maxed out, and none needed more

His eyes -- how they glowed red! His horns and his tail!
His ears tapered to points, and he made without fail
The rounds of the place to the rhythm of snoring
And saw to it that all the junkies were soaring

Through Xanadu's pleasure-domes, with Kubla Khan
Where nary a drug would be ever withdrawn
Each day brought ten take-homes, each night brought ten more
And thousands of suckers he stacked on the floor

He spoke not a word, but took each body blue
Straight to the chimney, and up through the flue
And snorting a fat rail right up his nose
With one final nod, up the chimney he rose

He sank through the earth 'til he found his domain
Where strangers to opium writhed in their pain
But he called to the junkies, 'ere he vanished from sight
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


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Short Title: AltFanAdmiralTwin

From: Linda (lindanut@lni.net)
Subject: Christmas rerun 
Newsgroups: alt.fan.admiral-twin
Date: 2001-12-24 08:52:06 PST 

  A couple of years ago Betty wrote an Admiral Twin version of Christmas Eve.
  I looked it up so we could all enjoy it again.

AT's Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house
Jarrod was grumbling and John was a grouse.
They'd just settled down to take a wee nap
And they looked pretty silly in kerchief and cap!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
They looked at each other then said, What's the matter??"
Then what should their wondering eyes should appear
But Brad and Mark in Santa Claus gear.

It seems they were working to earn some more cash
As Santas on corners where people would pass.
When all of a sudden, the "real" man came by
He stopped when he saw them and gave them" the eye"

"You might make it as elves," said the jolly old saint
"But give me those suits back, cause Santas you ain't!"
"On Dancer, on Prancer," both boys then did shout
"Cause Santa is angry...It's time to get out!"

They rushed through the door of the band house in fear,
And cried, "Oh, please hide us for Santa is near!"
Then from the chimney there came a great noise
And Santa dropped in for a "chat" with the boys

With a twinkle in his eye and toss of his head
He proceeded to tell them of something he'd read.
Santa knew who they were and where they had been
He was going to help them from the plight they were in.

So he drew from his bag many presents for all
(He'd done some fast shopping at Woodland Hills Mall)!
When he had finished, he turned with a start
To ascend up the chimney, it was time to depart.

Before he arose, he said, "There's one thing,
I read in the paper that you guys can sing"
"So there's just one favor, will you do for me?
Send me a copy of your new CD?" (plug, plug)

He was heard to exclaim as he rose out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Betty

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Short Title: AltFanConanObrien1

Author:   WooHoooNBC
Email: woohooonbc@aol.com
Date: 1998/11/25
Forums: alt.fan.conan-obrien

Twas the night of Friday
I just got home from work
I turned on the computer
To A F COB i went to lurk

But what to my wondering eyes should appear
a a miniture flame war and 8 packs of beer
jumping in excitment hoping to join the fun
one beer was gone
the next thing i know, all the cases were gone

I went to the next post
to see what I found
It was Stephanie PsykoSpice
IN a white flannel gound

Thinking she was alone
I told her I had to leave
when all the sudden from under the bed
out jumps her Frenchy

I wasn't that surprised
To see that sight
then Audrey walked in
That was one big fight.

As drunk as I was
I managed to get to another Post
Jessica and Tracey were fighting
About who liked them The most

I left that post
and went to another
Maria and Anto
Found out they were brothers

I thought I was about through
looking at all the posts that night
when I discovered the next thread
was one crazy fight.

Al bell,Damone,Jess and Lynn
Zojah,Linzi,Smith and Quinn
Damone punched Smith
on his nose he fell
when zojah and LInzi
went after al Bell

Al bell managed to get away fast
finally jess and lynn
tripped her at last

Al bell got up
punched jess in the face
lynn took off running
to find some mase

Quinn joined Smith and Damone
in there fight
She beat of both
She was done for the night

every one was getting tired
almost everyone had to go
Joseph Neubus thought
This was the jerry Springer show

This isn't the Springer show
Theres just lots of people in this newsgroup
that like to fight
I know all this will start again
Next friday night!

-Steph
visit my Conan site at http://members.aol.com/WooHoooNBC/index.html

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Short Title: AltFanConanObrien2

From: he rhymes with candy (cobrien143@aol.comkrunkyou)
Subject: A Late Night Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.fan.conan-obrien
Date: 2001-12-24 20:24:36 PST 
 
*A Late Night Christmas*
 
Twas the night before Christmas and all through 6A 
not a creature was stirring, needless to say 
Conan and Andy were with people for whom they cared 
not realizing that on the set the characters were still there 

Triumph and Segue Sam were there 
not to mention Stacy and the Masturbating Bear 
they were so sad that Conan and Andy were gone 
Triumph spoke, "What a Christmas...for me to poop on!" 

when down in the green room arose such a clatter 
they ran from the set to see what was the matter 
when what to their wondering eyes should appear 
but Conan and Andy and some great Christmas gear 

they brought them and evergreen and what else, you might ask 
some gifts they bought for the entire cast 
for Segue Sam, a brand new plush chair 
and some new underpants for the masturbating bear 

for Triumph there were some cigars for the show 
for Stacey, Andy brought a sprig of mistletoe 
and while Stacey chased Conan and giggled with glee 
Andy and Triumph put up (and fertilized) the tree 

eventually, however much they wanted to stay 
the boys had to visit their families far away 
Conan and Andy got in the car 
and made the characters promise not to stray far 

They were heard to proclaim as they drove out of sight 
"Merry Christmas to you and all fans of Late Night!!"


	This poem wasn't written by me, so I won't take the credit. 
	It was written by Quinn I think, who has long since stopped 
	posting at AFCOB

-Mel <^:?
http://nbckicks.tripod.com

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Short Title: AltFanDaveBarry(CMOT)

From: Christin Keck (shecrab@concentric.net)
Subject: The inevitable 
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
Date: 2000-12-24 09:15:58 PST 

Twas the night before Yuletide and all through the net
Not a poster had posted this poem quite yet.
The stockings were hung o'er the end of the bed
But have nothing to do with this poem. Nuff said.

And I in my tee shirt and Bluejackets cap
Had just settled down for a long, winter's nap
When up from my hard drive, I heard a faint sound
And decided to try logging on, one more round.

The moon in the window, through new fallen snow
Shone brightly its rays to my monitor, though,
The glow from my LEDs rivaled its light
As I entered my password and started to write.

I'll finish this poem tonight, without fail,
But first must log on, to see what's in my mail--
And what did my wondering eyes then behold,
But a whole lot of posts with their subjects in bold!

I read the first few, then my grin became merry-
For there was a long one to read from Jeff Carrie!
John Carney had posted, and so had Bob Chanter,
So it took me a while to decipher the banter;

And though it did nothing to make CMOT calmer,
There were several identical posts from Frank Palmer.
I read through the list, and began to exclaim
Why they're all posting now! And they're listed by name:

From Tina, From Streeter, from Liz, and from Uli…
From Judi, and Laurie and Lisafer, truly--
From Yetto, from Mike Steele, and also from Leha,
Whose spellchecker died from severe loggorhea;

And /one/ from Clamdanberthaunzebulonlung,
Whose newsserver ought to be turned into dung.
I saw posts from SSStevenson, then some from Rice,
And then one from Frank--hey--I mentioned him twice.

But search as I might, I did not get my wish
To see some from Rocky, Ms. Nomer---and Trish.
Were any left out? Well, there must be a few:
Like Lavalamps, Lcetacean and----you?

So if you're reading this and you took time to write,
Happy Season to All, and to all
 a 
 Good
  Night!


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Short Title: AltFanHowardStern

From: Homer J, Flintstone (yabbadabba_doh@earthlink.net)
Subject: 'twas the night before christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.fan.howard-stern
Date: 2002-12-23 08:09:26 PST 
 
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the group
Pete Moss was expounding
his usual poop

Benrand was there posting
his political views
and in a Stern newsgroup
that just isn't news

J.J. DeMarco
just popped in to say
ju ehav enice eChristmas
then went on his way

so to not be forgotten
Sonando chimed in
ju ehav egood New Jear
(rumor has it they're twins)

then Minor repeated
that "svee boy" all day
till YQF
made that go away

and Cathead and CQ
so many to list
if I don't mention Vicki
do you think she'll get pissed?

well I'm starting to tire
of typing this shit
let me just say Merry Christmas
and now I will quit


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Short Title: AltFanJamesBond

   Author:   The Shadow
   Email: miehls@bright.net
   Date: 1998/12/17
   Forums: alt.fan.james-bond

Twas the night before Christmas on alt.fan.james-bond
   
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a troll was working, they must have lost their mouse.
The Aston Martin was in the Q's for repair,
with the damage from James Bond when it was in his care.

The newsgroup posters were all snug by their computers it was said,
while visions of Vodka martinis danced in their heads.
When out on the web there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to a wondering eyes should appear,
but 007 with a PPK and a look of devil may care.
His license to kill glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out to be a secret agent who you would not dare.

More rapid than Pentium Processor, the posters they came,
and he cursed and muttered and called them by name.
On Feeney ! On Peredur ! On Rhino ! On RMS !
On Antonio ! On Wiggum ! On Tim Curtin !

His eyes were of steel, a killer nimble and lean,
from days of duty and nights of making women scream.
A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head,
soon gave me to know that I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning on his Moonraker decoder ring and breaking the code ;
First killing a troll with a deadly smirk.
And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
the newsgroup came up and he posted briskly.

He posted and posted so confidently,
deleting the trolls ; that was necessary.
He tested Q's gadgets, and they tested well,
with nary a bomb, and that is all he could tell.

His posting was finished, his statements were concluded,
even my statements were included.
And then Bond exclaimed with a snarl and a bit of hate,
"You've had your six, but I have eight".

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Short Title: AltFanKeanuReeves

Subject:      Night Before Christmas in Keanuville
From:         amethyst@nc5.infi.net (Caro)
Date:         1997/12/14
Message-ID:   <671gaq$ivt$1@nw001.infi.net>
Newsgroups:   alt.fan.keanu-reeves.moderated


With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore who wrote the original
masterpiece, "A Visit from St. Nicholas", and with hugs to all
citizens of our usenet cybervillage, Keanuville, wishing you
all a happy holiday season...


'Twas the night before Christmas in Keanuville;
The mouse stopped its stirring (by Canicula killed).
Our stockings were hung by our chimneys with care;
(But Marlon had worn his - hence, the stink in the air.)

Our citizens were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of "Matrix" danced in their heads.
But the Mayor in his wool cap, and I in my curlers,
Now stood at the window and looked out for burglars.

"I heard," the mayor told me, "a terrible clatter,
And sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."
That's when he awoke me, to help him stand guard,
So with him, I (the marshall) gazed down on the yard.

No moon in ninety-seven, so the new-fallen snow
From streetlights and shop fronts derived its pale glow,
When, what to our half-open eyes should appear,
But a large hovercraft pulled by eight big reindeer.

From skyways it came, and there settled right down,
In the mayor's front yard, waking up half the town.
We saw Auntie, kimbo, Cherie, Lilith, R-u-o-k,
LIV, Joodash, Kimmers, Dana, Joey, Tara, Julie and J ...

Half asleep they staggered out from their 2 a.m. beds
(like a Christmas Eve 'Night of the Living Dead')
To see a crazy old driver dressed in red like Old Nick;
"But too fat for Pacino," the mayor spoke up right quick.

'Now TRAVEN! now, JJAKS! now, DON JOHN and SCOTTY!
On, RUPERT! on KEVIN! on, BUDDHA and JOHNNY!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now book it, my reindeer, and dash away all!'

By now all Keanuville was awake and outside,
Watching craft and the reindeer up the mayor's house glide,
And up there on the rooftop the fat boy went 'CLUMP'
As confused little Marlon yelled, "Oh no! Don't jump!"

The townsfolk rushed inside like bees in a swarm,
And joined us at the fireplace where they could get warm;
But with embers now flying, and a sudden big crash,
Down the chimney that fat boy fell right on his ash!

Unburned, he stood before us, as Nia said, "Grrr!
That suit that you're wearing better not be real fur!"
A bundle of packages he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a mailman just opening his sack.

His eyes -- looked familiar! his laughlines how merry!
His cheeks, rather hollow, his cold nose, a cherry!
His blue little mouth from the frigid exposure
Blew the Mayor a kiss from its white-bearded closure.

A Cuban cigar he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke encircled his head like a wreath;
And we knew who he was underneath the fake padding,
But the name wouldn't come - oh, darn it, how madding!

"And who are you?" the mayor asked, without taking a pause;
"At your service," the answer, "I'm called Santa Claus."
Just then stepped up Ted, who stood tall and stiff,
And looked at the stranger and laughed, "Yeah! As if."

"But look!" spoke this Santa, as he opened his pack,
And out came Twister, Battleship, more games from his sack.
"And see, I brought chess, Super Mario Brothers,
Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, and all kinds of others!"

"OK! The real Santa's drunk," he 'fessed up with a sigh.
"I played Match the Bourbons with him, but he didn't die."
From his belt came a trilling as he said, "Oops, my beeper!
Gotta go, but anyway, merry Christmas from the Reaper!"


~Caro - 14 December 1997

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Short Title: AltFanLandmark

Subject:      twas the night patrick posted...
From:         anteekrist@aol.com (AnteeKrist)
Date:         1997/12/16
Message-ID:   <19971216080801.DAA15556@ladder02.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.fan.landmark


twas the night patrick posted and all through the group
people checked with their servers to get the new scoop

could it be linda found us a new place to play?
pro-landmark or con- she'll have something to say

liz or sam might pop in for a moment or two
to blast a new grad for the jargon they spew

kmottus and jennifer could give us warm fuzzies
showing love and compassion to the foulest of scuzzies

william o west would undoubtedly be there for sure
pledging allegance to 'est' not the least bit obscure

jrubin will have posted an article or two
to prove landmark's programs to be tried and true

we might even get a rare visit from percy
with injections of humor yet showing no mercy

tony pay should show up to give us some perspective
if he's finished the books he just chose as elective

maybe markus will give us more words of disdain
if bill taylor stops handling his case for his pain

pam fitzpatrick might forego alt.ex-cult for a shake
accusations of abuse by the organizations to make

emurf will be there with his intellectual finesse
chris gretton will be taking a stand none the less

rick will post something that's worthwhile to read
or dave might at least with his post plant a seed

yet i look at the newsgroup and to my utter dismay
not a one of these people have posted today

i gaze to my left and i peer to my right
not again! oh my god! patrick posted tonight

no demons or baptisms please no not again
not one more word jeez i'm so tired of his jinn

yet alas like a virus that cannot be cured
he is once again making this newsgroup absurd

it's partly my fault i should never have played
how could i know he would have liked it and stayed

'life does have meaning' is patrick's decree
'it matters, it matters, it matters to me'

well if your life has meaning then live it i say
make your life matter and be on your way

nine days before christmas and i do now declare
when patrick speaks more (and he will) i ain't there

i'm not leaving for good and i'll still be around
but where patrick's concerned i'll utter no sound

so go emurf go kmottus go markus go sam
go percy go linda you'll know where i am

it doesn't matter (and it doesn't matter) if with you i agree
you're all (almost all) my alt.fan.landmark family

happy holidays to all!

ak

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Short Title: AltFanSailorMoon

Subject:      'Twas a Negaverse Christmas!
From:         threelites@aol.com (ThreeLites)
Date:         1997/12/24
Message-ID:   <19971224011201.UAA01826@ladder02.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.fan.sailor-moon

heheheheh. . .And here's MY poem. . .

'Twas A Negaverse Christmas
  ¤§eiya¤

Twas a Negaverse Christmas and all through the land,
Not an evil thing stirred, like a dead bird in your hand.
Crystals were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that energy would be collected there.

The youma were nestled all snug in their beds,
As visions of energy danced in their heads.
And Zoisite and Malachite, as you might suspect,
Had just settled down for a long winter's neck.<^_^>

When out in the throne room, there arose such a clatter,
Zoey sprang from his lap to see what was the matter.
Malachite soon followed, quick as a flash,
Angry enough to turn someone into a fine hash.

The energy from the dais lent a dim glow,
And barely shed light on what happened below.
When what to the generals' wondering eyes should appear,
But a quite drunken Beryl, and a keg full of beer!

With sleight of hand so cunning, so slick,
She produced Tuxedo Mask, whippity quick!
More rapid than racehorses, she spoke gibberish:
"We've beaten the Scouts! They had a death wish!

I've invited all our friends who aided the fight,
To all come and join us this fine Christmas night!
There's Galaxia, and Fish-Eye, we've got them all!
So come on, get busy, we'll have a big ball!"

As hungry cats set before  roomfuls of mice,
They came: didn't have to tell them twice!
To the middle of the bash, the generals they flew,
Zoisite, Malachite, Jedite, and yes, Neflyte too!

Then, they all saw it, by the great hand of Fortuna,
The graces had granted them Sailor Scouts and Luna
They all fainted quickly and by the time they came around,
Their poor ears were ringing with a terrible sound.

Beryl had started cheers and was refilling her stein,
When, from above, there came a moon's shine.
The villains collectively gasped and began to hack,
But Zirconia went further and had a cardiac!

The light: how it twinkled,
It fostered despair
In the hearts of the villains
Who all gathered there.

It was the Moon Princess, with her heart and her wands,
Who had come to liberate Sailor Scouts from their bonds.
She raised her Moon Wand, and in a voice loud and clear,
Yelled, "No Negaverse Christmas this year!"

The villains were worried and they vocalized their peril
For the Negaverse and for the life of Queen Beryl.
"Cosmic Moon Power!" Serenity shouted, sans fear.
And the glimmer of death came uncomfortably near,

But the inebriate Beryl, she lost drunken awe
And without missing a beat, she began to withdraw
The most evil weapon; one might say "It rocked!",
An M-16 rifle, fully loaded and cocked.

She emptied a magazine into the air,
And some of it took off the long, pigtailed hair
Of the Moon Princess as she fell with a thud,
Into a pool of her own lunar blood.

The Queen dropped the rifle and held out her hand.
The Crescent Moon Wand came to her on command.
The youma rejoiced and began to giggle and titter
As the Silver Imperium Crystal began to glitter.

We heard Beryl exclaim as they fade from our sight:
"Merry Christmas to all! Earth will be ours by moonlight!"

Email comments and praise to ThreeLites@aol.com
Send hate mail to billgates@microsoft.com

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Short Title: AltFanSailorMoon2

Subject:      [OW!R][NC] Twas the night before Chaos
From:         "Paul D. Brusky" 
Date:         1997/12/22
Message-ID:   <67mnnd$cs1@m5.columbus.rr.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.fan.sailor-moon

I apologize in advance for any bad rhymes... But I couldn't resist!! ^_^

Twas the night before Christmas and on the Io
The only ones up were those picked on NO
They sat in the lounge, drinking some Tudge®
And cursing the Named Ones with words like darn and fudge

Why is it that they get go to sleep?
While we all have duty shifts to keep?
Its just not fair! a Nameless One cried
Who of course was immediately fried

When out in the hall, there arose such a clatter,
Half the ship came to see what was the matter
Even those Otaku, the ones that had Names,
were there, and many NOs were maimed.

How dare you wake us? how?
Now be quiet so we can sleep, NOW!
When what did their disbelieving eyes see,
But a piece of flying toast, cackling maniacally

Screaming something inchoerant about llamas[1],
and laughing so hard it must be Chaos!
More rapid than eagles, round peoples heads he flew
No longer ignored, chaos he brewed

Come Jeffy, come PJ, come Billy and Dottie!
Come Cartman, come Stan, come Kyle and Kenny!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!

The Named Ones just sighed and shook their heads
saying That Chaos can be quite braindead
Amen, but what can we do?
Hes more powerful than the goddess Otaku!

And then came running in
The eight evil sidekicks, kicking Ice Blade in the shin.
As the girl cussed in french, hopping around
Into the scene Jason came with a bound

He was dressed as a ghost again, wearing a sheet
About the most non-threatening person you ever could meet[1]
Two Space Ghost like powerbands he wore on his arm
And he swore that he would do *someone* some harm

Chaos just laughed and said go away
And Jason responded with a Death Ray
The Named Ones all gaped in surprise
When the little piece of toast was fried

But sure enough the toast was dead
It took a Death Ray right in the head
I actually killed something! Chaos is dead!
CM just shrugged dont let it go to your head

But I won the bet!
I proved I could actually be threat!
The sidekicks reminded them they were still there,
By pulling real hard on SIBs hair

She cursed and grew real red in the face
And sidekicks flew all over the place
Out of nowhere appeared Lil Penny
And together with Kyle, that bastard killed Kenny!

The Named Ones all groaned at the same time
You really do go too far for a rhyme!
But they heard the Narrator exclaim ere the scene faded from sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

[1] NOTE: for this wo work you have to use the SPANISH pronunciation of
llamas, Yah-mahs
[2] Sorry Jason! Its a lot better than some of the other rhymes I thought of....

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Short Title: AltFlameJesus

   Forum: alt.flame.jesus.christ
   Subject:  TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE JESUS
   Date: 11/14/1999
   Author: St. Jackanape 
   
   Twas the night before Jesus and all through the house
   Not a creature was praying, not even the mouse,
   Our Bibles were lain on the toilet with care
   In hopes that His words would wipe our bungs bare.

   My sluts were undressing to crawl into bed,
   Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
   And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
   Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.

   When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
   I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
   Away to the window I flew like a flash
   Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

   When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
   But hole-handed Jesus, drinking a beer.
   With a mincing light step that showed He was gay,
   I knew in a moment this must be THE DAY!

   The sight of His face bugged my eyes out my head,
   It was Jesus! Returning, back from the Dead.
   And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,
   I laughed when I saw Him in spite of myself.

   The enormous erection He held in His hand,
   Was spewing out semen on every saved man.
   Jesus swallowed a turd as He yelled out my name;
   He said, "St. Jack, come and join in our game!"

   All those whose faces had been covered with love,
   He gathered to feed to His Father above.
   The semen was flying on all those around,
   While I snuck up behind Him with hardly a sound.

   His nuts I would kick, but it was too late;
   I had waited too long and thus sealed my fate.
   I stood and I screamed as they rose out of sight,
   "Oh, if only I'd had my shotgun tonight!"
   
   --
   St. Jackanape
   -----------------------------------------
   http://jackanapes.tripod.com
   -------------------------------------------------
   "You can't hear what I'm saying because I have my head up my rectum."
   --"partners" explains his communication problem-Nov-7-99

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Short Title: AltGamesHalf-LifeCounterstrike

From: Apophis - P. Larkin (apophis@xlii.REMOVE.com)
Subject: Holiday Counter-Strike Cheer 
Newsgroups: alt.games.half-life.counterstrike
Date: 2001-12-24 05:55:54 PST 

Half-Life Counterstrike Christmas

Twas night time on militia, when all through the house. 
Not a ct was stirring, or camping the couch. 
The hostages strung up in the garage with care. 
In hopes that the ct's would not find them there. 

With Turtle and Overlag nestled in their camping spots. 
While they smiled at visions of many headshots. 
And Zebra with aug and me mp5, 
hoping to god that we would stay alive. 

When in the back yard there arose such a clatter. 
I sprang out the back door to see what's a matter. 
And out of the window I threw out my flash. 
As rebel screamed "You blinded me you ass!" 
"It must be a diversion, they are nowhere around". 
Homicidal said "ill check the cameras ok, I'm heading down". 

Then round they came with RavenX in the fore, 
Hoping for kills to raise up his score  
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, 
And in that whiny ass voice he called them by name; 
"Now Apophis, now VP, now jkstraw, and Devilman! 
On, DeRanger! on Scully! on, Xaero and Kaxman! 
Some on the ladder! Some in the door! 
Now rush! I say rush! Till the t's are no more!" 

As dry leaves that before a wild hurricane fly, 
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, 
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, 
With their guns full of bullets, And hand grenades too. 
And then, in a hurry, I heard on the roof 
The footsteps a falling of thier every move. 
As I drew out my gun, and was turning around, 
Down from the roof Raven came with a bound. 

He was capping my ass, from bottom to top, 
Till zebra stepped in with one of those lucky "headshots" 
The others started dropping from the sky just like rain. 
So I crouched down low and screamed "BRING ON THE PAIN"! 

Their eyes how they twinkled, thier faces so merry! 
Their guns all shiny, Twas really quite scary! 
Then I spotted the one, The one with the bomb. 
And I knew I must get him or we could not have won! 

The others didn't see me so I continued to hide, 
especially after I cringed there and watched zebra die. 
I was gonna run out while the ct was planting c4, 
Then I noticed my team was now no more. 
"There are only 3 left" I convinced my brain, 
"I mean I am the guy who yelled, bring on the pain". 
Then one of them came flying right out the door, 
I jumped, and shot then he was no more. 

The others were silent, not making a sound, 
Yet I knew they had to be somewhere lurking around. 
I took my chance then and killed the one with the c4, 
Hoping the sound would bring out no more. 
I laughed as I watched Kaxman's dead body fall, 
and yet I felt bad for staining the wall. 

Then I noticed, with much alarm, and with much fright, 
I had just drank the last of my 16th bud light. 
So I typed hurriedly to everyone "hey ill be right back". 
As I got up I heard the sound of admin_slap! 
"Hey ass What the hell do you think you are doing". 
He replied "You should be playing or the game you will ruin". 

"Ok bitch thats it! We are the last, come on, let's go". 
I was not fooling anyone as my fear started to show. 
I then hit the tab button and watched with a frown, 
Wishing, and wishing my ping would go down. 
All of a sudden, came Apophis not even concerned, 
I saw him and thought that its time he was burned. 
I aimed till I thought that I had it just right, 
And my short bursts of fire light up the dark night! 

He whipped around and he aimed with a flash, 
For spite i'd swear he was taking his aim at my ass. 
I watched my health as it declined ever so steady, 
What the hells wrong with me I thought I was ready. 
I started to cry as I knew everyone would see, 
It was like I was little and my pants I did pee. 

Then up from the sewers popped this lil t head, 
And I knew that apophis would surely be dead, 
He grinned and he waved, and said "eternal its homicidal, im here" 
"Well shoot him you dumb ass while I get a beer. 
So up popped homicidal his deagle alight, 
Yet apo's ogc hook was faster that night. 

Then I started thinking im to old for this shit, 
So I hit the escape key and hurriedly typed quit. 
As I hit the enter key I knew i'd soon be flamed, 
for being a sissy and leaving the game. 
So to make matters worse, I had to get in the last word, 
So I used my admin_csay to write out these words. 
You will never add me to this bloody killing ground, 
So screw you Apophis i'll see you around!!!!!! 

		-eternal

----
-= Vicious =- Apophis

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Short Title: AltGamesLucasArtsMonkeyIsland

From: Jon Reeves (jon@fullcircuit.com)
Subject: The Night before Christmas [OT] 
Newsgroups: alt.games.lucas-arts.monkey-island
Date: 2002-12-20 15:13:01 PST 
 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through AGLAMI
Not a retart was stirring, they'd have to be barmy;
The swag bags were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that much cash soon would appear there;

The Aglamians were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Murray danced in their heads;
While Luke with a blowtorch, and I with my bat,
Had just settled down to vandalise Matt,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the room to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a punch,
Tore open the shutters and threw up my lunch.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should find 'ere,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny Reinder,

With a little old driver, eyes bright with murder,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Reinder.
More rapid than Pringles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, HURGER! now, UFCKER! now, DUBYAH and NIXON!
On, VOMIT! on STUPID! on, RETART and CLINTON!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As battle-crazed soldiers do when they take fright,
When met with an obstacle, they blew it from sight,
So with smoking bazookas the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of booze, and St. Reinder too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each Pieter C. Hooft.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning avast,
Down the chimney St. Reinder came with a blast.

He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of guns he had flung on his shoulder,
And he looked like an effigy just starting to smoulder.

His eyes -- how they glinted! his scars, oh how scary!
His teeth were like gravestones, his nose was all hairy!
His sword was levelled right next to my throat,
And he took from my wallet a £50 note;

The pin of a grenade he held tight in his teeth,
And the gunsmoke encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad sword and a belt full of ammo,
That shook when he laughed, and almost went blammo.

He was mad and imposing, a right psychopath,
And I laughed in sheer fright, so afraid of his wrath;
But an ufck of his toe and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And activating his special atomic jet pack,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he went back;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a ballistic cruise missile.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, CREATURES OF THE NIGHT!"


Well, Merry Christmas, you toes. Remember, King Kong died for our
sins.

-- 
Jon Reeves - jon@fullcircuit.com
http://www.livejournal.com/users/thjorska
http://www.geocities.com/jon_demalo
http://www.geocities.com/pixelcomic
http://www.watson1999-69.freeserve.co.uk/cstories/
ICQ: 144253284


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Last Modified January 7, 2007