Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 15 of 50
January 7, 2007
Compiled by: Matthew Monroe
Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/
Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.
See the Main Index for the complete contents.
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Short Title: DragonChristmasStory
From: Celestria LeDragon (celestria_ledragon@yahoo.com)
Subject: [Bryn-gwlad] Dragon Christmas Story
Newsgroups: austin.org.sca
Date: 2002-12-16 17:36:30 PST
Ok, everyone knows how much I like dragons :)
I found this on the web and thought it was cute.
'Twas the night before Christmas, all was quiet throughout the lair
A blizzard raged outside, but I didn't care.
My mate was nestled beside me, my wing draped over her form.
We just lay there together, sleeping throughout the storm.
All of the sudden, from outside came a sound
I quietly got up and checked to see what was around
My mate remained behind, she wasn't feeling too fine
Having recently eaten some humans dragging a pine
Such a weird little custom! Why should they be
Outside in this cold, just to be fetching this tree?
Indeed 'tis peculiar, but that isn't the point.
This tale I shall tell, to you I anoint.
Continuing the story, I looked up into the night sky
And found eight tiny reindeer going on the fly.
Now that was a sight! Especially for me to behold!
A phenomenon indeed to a dragon this old!
They had bells attached all over, jingling merrily.
So that was the noise, I thought suspiciously.
Almost upon their heels, they towed along this little sleigh.
It didn't matter much, they were now all my prey.
I unfurled my wings and leapt off into the night.
Those poor little creatures! They're in for a fright!
My wingbeats were strong, and my eyes glowed with glee.
I'll catch up with them soon, and that's the last they shall see.
My appetite was great, as saliva dripped from my fangs.
I only hoped they were enough to suit my hunger pangs.
As I slowly approached them, their final doom impending,
I suddenly noticed that they were descending.
I looked down beneath, and found to much discontent.
That we were all nearing some human settlement.
Oh, curse all the luck! This was not to my appeal!
No matter, then. I shall still have this meal.
With but a thought in my mind, I blinked out from sight.
Invisibility has its uses, I must certainly indict.
From the sleigh came a command, and they all landed upon a roof.
I settled on the ground, and to the surroundings, became aloof.
A fat little man with a sack on his back
Jumped out of the sleigh, for which he seemed knack.
He approached a chimney, this stony outcropping
Within its confines, he fell down adropping.
Now what was he up to? That I didn't know.
But I was interested enough to pursue this little show.
Closing my eyes, focusing concentration,
A spell I performed with a mere incantation.
What I once saw before was just the building's wooden walls
Were now dissolved away, leaving bare its rooms and halls.
Looking up and down, I searched out this fellow
Where was he now? Where did he go?
Ah, there he was, in a room with a fireplace
A plate of milk and cookies he was stuffing into his face.
All the more the better, my fat little friend.
One snap of my jaws, is where you shall end.
After eating his food, he proceeded to take out of his bag
Many colored boxes, but an occasional gag
Where did he put them, but under a tree!
The same kind of tree that I did previously see!
This mystery continues to boggle my mind!
With the more I discover, yet more I must find!
When he was finished with that, he took his bag by the string
And went to the mantle where many socks stood hanging
He proceeded to stuff them with goodies and snacks
Generosity, this man certainly did not lack
Suddenly, in my mind, something did click
Reindeer, boxes and socks--this must be St. Nick!
The renowned man of Christmas, who comes every year
He visits all these places and spreads his limitless cheer.
It is he who is respected by humans all around
Giving away gifts for all the world abound.
He wore a red suit, and a great big belly
Which jiggled a lot, and was similar to jelly.
Thus, I came to a conclusion, and I'm reluctant to say,
I couldn't eat him, much to my dismay.
He was too well known, and if him I devour
Everyone would be sad, and that'd make everything sour.
Humans would grow suspicious, if he didn't come next year
They would become downtrodden, and would happen to fear
That he'd given up his job, but that is not quite.
What he really did was feed a dragon's appetite.
And perhaps, with concern, they came out to search
And discovered it was me, would their hearts ever lurch!
But, alas, if they did, they'd react just the same
As always to my race--they have me slain.
So, you see, I cannot eat him, not outright
Therefore, I must turn back and jump into flight.
A saddening thought, I do so confess
*sigh* What I must do to avoid such a mess
But as I returned to the lair I found much to my surprise!
Happiness indeed in the form of a guise!
Succulent meats, throughout the cave, were arrayed
My mate had already eaten half (she had several eggs on the way).
Ravenously hungry, I prepared myself to eat
But paused for a moment; Where'd we get the meat?
We didn't have a clue, until we recently discovered
A rolled piece of paper, from the food we uncovered
It was a small little scroll, which I could read ever so slight
On it, it read Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!
Charles Foster III
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Short Title: DragonNightBeforeYule
From: George Hernandez (ghspiderNO@SPAMoptonline.net)
Subject: Twas the night before Yule
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dragonlance
Date: 2002-12-24 19:38:44 PST
Twas the night before Yule,
and all through the land
not a Knight, swinging sword
not a Mage waved his hand
When up on the tree,
I hear such a sound
I went to the window
to see hands flailing 'round
To what a ridiculous
sight my mind renders,
but a Red-Robed Fizban
and 8 green-leggin'ed kender
He'd landed all wrong
on his face he was flat
and all he to know was,
did anyone see his hat?
Hey Windrell, Hey Fendrill,
Hey Bristlin, Hey Bronin,
Umm Dremlet, Umm Kherlit
Umm Desdrin, Umm Frokin
He shook of the snow
that covered them all,
and then by mistake,
He'd cast a Fireball!
The kender all scattered,
Fizban hid under a rock
Hoping the light from the blast
wont wake up the whole block
Then he spread out some gifts
and then he'd have to check,
that the kender did come back
with more stuff than they left.
He was done in this part
and was ready to flee,
but had to figure out how to
get his sleigh out of the tree
"Darn it, and Drat it,
I should've used a dragon...
Instead I wound up with kender
Yanking 'round that old wagon."
"How will we get there?"
wondered them all,
"Wait! I've got a spell!
Umm let me see, YES, PfveatherFval!"
He waved his hands,
hoping that they will float hither,
Next thing they knew,
they were all covered in feathers.
So they all started walking,
to the town up the bay,
and hoped that they might be able
to charter a new sleigh.
But before Fizban left,
he sung out notes (that were flat...)
singing, "Merry Yuletime to all....
and to..... hey, where's my hat?"
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone - glad to know you all
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Short Title: DragQueen
'Twas the Night Before X-mas @ Oz
By LaLa
'Twas the night before Christmas when all throughout Oz
Not a creature was sober, due to help from small straws.
The flags that all hung from the railing were faded
In hopes that that drug den would never be raided.
The strippers were dancing all shielding their balls,
While five tabs of ecstasy flowed through their skulls.
And Ryan in Gucci, and I in my wrap,
Had just settled down for a short disco nap.
When out there on Bourbon there rose such a ruckus
I sprang from my bench 'cause I couldn't say "Fuck this."
Away with my Cosmo I ran from those gays,
Tore open a baggie and snorted some K.
The moon on the crap of the new fallen litter
Gave the luster of Lip Glass to all things with glitter.
Then what to my K-ed out young eyes should be seen?
But a silver stretch limo and eight glammed-up drag queens.
With a bull-dyke assistant so tragic on blow,
I knew in a moment it must be a show!
More rapid than nymphos their costumes she carried,
As she bitched and she moaned and she called them all "fairies."
"Yo Dasher, Yo Dancer, Yo Prancer and Vixen.
Yo Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen"*
"First the top of the club! Then the top of the WORLD!!!"
(Things said on cocaine can be oh-so absurd).
As dry heaves that before a wild party may fly,
When they meet with a quite heart-felt plea to not die.
So right past the bouncers wearing corsets they flew
With their makeup and wigs, and of course more drugs too.
And then through the music, I heard on the floor
The prancing and dancing of each make-shift whore.
As I drew in more K through my small little straw,
I knew in my head I was breaking the law.
They were dressed all in drag from their wigs to their heels,
And they shelled out some twenties and made more drug deals.
The remnants of coke one had stuck to her nose,
But she did not care and she put on her hose.
Their eyes how they sparkled, their titties how bouncy!
Their pits were all shaven! Their chests were not hairy!
Their big glossy mouths were all drawn up in sneers --
And I seem to recall at least three different Chers.
A pipe made of glass some held tight in their teeth,
And the smoke it encircled each head like a wreath.
They had gaunt faces and no traces of bellies.
Needless to say, they were big methy-headies.
They were bitchy and tall, these men born the wrong sex --
And I puked when I saw them, because of some X.
A blink of their eyes and a look in the mirror,
Soon gave me to know that the drag queens were there!
They spoke not a word but went straight to the stage,
Then re-did their lipstick and started to flame!
And mouthing along to the great voice of Whitney,
Those Queens made me glad that I had some pot with me.
They ran to their limo, like fucked-up old bimbos
And away they all rode with their heads out the windows.
But I heard them exclaim as they rode out towards Kenner:
"Christmas was fun, but New Year's will be better!!"
* Note: Reindeer names can double as Drag Queen names.
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Short Title: Drugs1
Subject: A Early Xmas joke
From: "Ray Gaylog"
Date: 1997/10/26
Message-ID: <01baa35d$d3635b60$8b835ad1@default>
Newsgroups: alt.jokes,alt.jokes.limericks
'Twas the night of Friday
and all through the town
no pigs were stirring
no narcs were around
The joints were all rolled
and stuffed into sacks
in dreams we'd get wasted
to the highest climax
When suddenly at the door
we heard three knocks
we all looked at each other
and said "oh fuck its the cops"
We opened the door
and to red eyes appeared
a pound of Colombian
and a keg of beer
The man standing next to it
wore only a smile
so we invited him in to party awhile
He spoke not a word
but proceeded to stroll
he opened a beer
and lit up a bowl
and as we all jammed
to the Greatful Dead
rings of incense
encircled our heads
and as he left
and bid us good night
he said "marijuana to all"
"and to all a good high"
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Short Title: Drugs2
From: Dennis Here (denanson@plonkergofree.indigo.iepullmyplonkerwhenyoureply)
Subject: Santa is coming
Newsgroups: alt.support.single-parents
Date: 2001-12-20 11:50:26 PST
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flat
The techno was blaring, 'twas too loud to chat
The rizlas were perched on the table with care
And smoke full of chemicals soon filled the air
We'd just been out clubbing, I truly was trashed
My friends were all here and equally mashed
We'd popped a few pills and we'd had a quick sniff
And just settled down to a nice tasty spliff
When out on the balcony rose such a clatter
We looked slowly up to see what was the matter
I got to my feet and I swayed to the door
And only occasionally fell on the floor
I peered through the glass as I took a long puff
The land glistened softly with rubbish and stuff
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But a fat man in red and a team of reindeer
He yelled and he ranted, gave each one a kick
I knew in a second it must be Saint Nick
He shrieked at each Reindeer and cursed them alike
"Fuck you!" yelled Rudolph "we're going on strike!"
The reindeer did turn and soar into the sky
And Santa growled something that wasn't goodbye
I watched as they went in a puff of pink smoke
And vowed from now on to stay off of the coke
As debris did settle St Nick turned around
He swore as he angrily kicked at the ground
He gave me a gesture that clearly implied
He'd be very pleased if I let him inside
I threw the doors open and ushered him in
Invited him through with a welcoming grin
"So where are our presents?" my smashed flatmate cried
With a look of astonishment, Santa replied;
"You seriously think you might be on my list?
You've got to be kidding, you're taking the piss!
Have you lot considered your actions this year?
Stop being stupid and get me a beer."
He opened a tooheys, but still looked depressed
We asked him to tell us what made him so stressed
"My reindeer have left me" he said with a sigh
"Unless I have reindeer I've no way to fly!"
"Now look here" I told him "we may not know much
We don't help old ladies, kiss babies and such,
But Santa, there's no need for you to despair
We know how to get you back up in the air!"
I chopped up a line with precision and skill
And rolled him up neatly a $20 bill
His face lit up quickly with real Christmas cheer
"Perhaps you kids WILL get some presents this year!"
He spoke not a word but got straight to his mission
He snorted that line with wholehearted ambition
Then Santa skinned up and he smiled as he puffed
We knew that our stockings this year would be stuffed
He sprang to the balcony, leapt from the railing
Soared to the sky with his present-sack trailing
I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
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Short Title: Drugs3
Subject: The night before 4/20 (one day early)
Date: 04/18/2000
Author: Jester8765
Newsgroup: alt.drugs.pot
'Twas the night before 4/20 and all through my stash,
no weed had been smoked not even the hash
The bongs had been filled with cold water by me
in hopes that they'd be bubbling the next day at 4:20
I was asleep, passed out in my bed,
while visions of pipes, bongs, and smoke danced in my head
When all of the sudden arose such a clatter
I pulled myself out of bed to see what the hell was the matter
I rushed to the window and what should my wandering eyes see,
but my dealer, with a phat hookup just for me
I wrote this during english class today. I hope you enjoyed.
I'm not very sure of the wording, as I don't know the original
down to letter so it's not as long or as accurate.
Thanks for reading, and merry 4/20 to you.
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Short Title: Drugs4
Date: Wed, 15 Dec 1999 15:16:17 -0500
From: Jim Bleecker
'Twas the night before New Years.
'Twas the night before New Years, and all through the place
Not a mirror was empty, not even a space.
The coke-spoons were hung from our neck chains with care,
In hopes that the "Snowman" soon would be there.
Our brains were all nuzzled, all snug in the skies,
While wild hallucinations dances through our eyes.
I guzzled some Jack Daniels and Ma' took a sip
As we readied our brains for a long acid trip
When down in my stomach there arose such a clatter
I had felt it before and I knew what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a winner
Tore open the shutters and threw up my dinner.
I heard a faint splash on the objects below
As I turned for a cure of some new fallen snow.
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But white haired old man with eight lines on a mirror
When I saw parked outside was a customized van
I knew in a moment it must be "Snowman".
More rapid then Hoover, His nostrils aflame,
He snorted and shouted and called them by name.
Now Trasher, Now Blaster Now Trance'r and Tricks'in
Haily's comet and Stoopid on Blizzard and Blitzen.
At the top of the last one his brain seemed to stall
Then blast away, blast away blast away all.
And the leaves that he smoked in a joint were so dry,
When they met with his brain cells, he started to fly.
So up to the house-top the smoking joint flew,
With a Van full of Snoflakes, and The "Snowman" too.
And then, in a twinkling, he was up on the roof
and he dove toward the chimney, and shrunk with a "POOF"
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney the Snowman came with a bound
He was dressed all in white from his hat to his boot
And his clothes were all covered with hashes and toot
A bundle of coke he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a dealer just peddling his crack.
His eyes how they glissened, he had dust on his thumb
His teeth, how they chattered, his nose was real numb
He had drool on his mouth, and a dusting of blow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as his snow.
A stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a thin face and a big wad of cash,
That smelled quite a bit like a bowlful of Hash.
He was skinny and frail, but a jolly old dude,
And I laughed when I saw him, with a new attitude;
he had bloodshot eyes, you could hear Greatful Dead
comming out of the headphones he had on his head,
He spoke not a word but went right to his work
And he filled all the coke viles and he turned with a jerk
And laying a finger aside of his nose
And giving a SNORT up the chimney he rose
He jumped in his van and he gave it a start
And away he flew like a jet propelled dart
Ere I heard him exclaim as he started to fly
"Many kilos to all and to all a good high."
__________
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(Copyrightallrightsreserved)
/ \ ___ ___ |
\@ ( * )-|-( * ) \
/ \ |
\ ^^ /
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\ -_____- /
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-_______-
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Short Title: Drugs5
Author: patrick
Email: patrick@sparc1.castles.com
Date: 1997/12/20
Forums: alt.arts.storytelling
Ole Saint Nark
by John Rock
From the Berkeley Free Press, Dec. 1969
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the pad,
there was nothing much happ'nin, a real bummer, Dad.
Our Hookas were hung by the fireside with care,
and a thick pungent smoke was filling the air!
Now Ma in her headset had just popped a Cap
was laid up in bed and started to rap...
The children were loaded on benzine and reds
and visions of acid-cubes bounced in their heads...
From out on the lawn we heard such a crash;
pulled open the window and threw out the stash!
Then POW! in an instant I heard it again...
We thought maybe someone had called in the "MAN"!
A small hasshish pipe was jammed 'tween his teeth
and the smoke, it encircled his 'fro like a wreath...
He kicked down the door, screaming "Freeze! It's a Bust"!
and the ole lady said, WOW, whothehell can you trust?!
His threads were all tarnished from ashes and smoke,
but he rolled up a number and offered us a toke...
He was pale and anemic, if not underfed,
and his eyes were like pinwheels that spun in his head!
What a bundle of junk he had flung on his back
He looked like a pusher when he opened his pack...
We offered some acid, but his answer was "NO!",
We could see he was skinny from doin' the SNOW!
Then he laid out his presents down next to the tree,
A KILO of Gold and Sheets of LSD!
Some uppers for Ma and some mushrooms for ME!
He was surely Saint Nark, we had to agree...!
"Sorry I'm late, but boy am I beat!"
I'm exhausted from dodging the bad FULL TIME Heat!
I was High over Reno, way up in the Blue...
When they started to tail me in a friggin B-52!
It was aerial combat with a big flying Pig!...
but I made it to 'Frisco to finish my gig....
Then, laying a finger aside his red nose,
he sniffed six rails of coke and a cap of No-Dose!
He ran to his craft, not a reindeer and sleigh,
but a giant balloon....
and we heard him exclaim,
as he flew in the night...
"STAY STONED 'till next year...
and you're all OUTASIGHT!"
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Short Title: Drugs6
Newsgroups: alt.fan.aubergine
From: K...@zy.
Date: 25 Dec 2004 02:22:03 GMT
Twas The Night Before Christmas and high on the hill,
Not a critter was stirring in the December chill.
The wood was all stacked for warm winter days;
As was my girl or those hot winter lays.
The children were locked in their rooms for the night;
Their mama's a screamer, they might get a fright.
As we humped 'neath the tree there arose a loud din;
And two dozen cops and a cop dog rushed in.
They thrashed and they tossed and they ripped and they tore;
They even cut holes and reached into doors.
When the dog had stopped barking in the back entry hall;
I gave thanks to Brinks and the safe they installed.
When the cops were all through we continued to screw
until both of us started to laugh.
When your spirit is smoked and you're in need of a stash;
A fake wall hides more than a draft.
Smoke on Christmas Y'all;
and have a good flight.
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Short Title: DrumCorps
Subject: Twas the Night Before Christmas
From: "Bill Haas"
Date: 1997/12/24
Message-ID: <67rp3p$1d4@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.marching.drumcorps
With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the net
Not an author was stirring, not even about a bugle versus a trumpet.
The stockings were hung by the bus doors with care,
In hopes that medals and rings would be there.
The members were nestled snug in their sleeping bags,
While visions of short practices and full fast food bags.
And Norm in his T-shirts and judges dressed all in green
had just filled their brains with this most joyous scene.
When out on the field there arose such a sound,
People sprang from their rest to see BD warming up on the mound.
Racing to the music, they flew in a flash,
sat around them and started the drum corps bash.
Twilight on the crest of the freshly cut grass
gave the glow of midday to the best in the class
when what to wondering eyes should appear
But a hundred busses, all the corps for all to hear
With the volunteer drivers, so tired and sore
I knew in a minute is was drum corps
More rapid from all over the world they came
The announcer called them and the crowd shouted their names:
Now Cadets Crown, Cavs and Crossmen
Magic, Colts, Scouts and Glassmen
On SCV, On Spartans and Mandarins
Cabs, Sky, Brigs and Westshoremen
To the top of rankings we will climb
To be the best of all time
Now march away, play away
Entertain away all.
As the quiet before the Hurricanes wail
when they meet an obstacle they never fail
Onto the empty field they marched
with a wall of sound, the fans thirst no longer parched
And then in a twinkling, I heard in the back
Corps from the past, playing in Santa's sack
Bridgemen, Sac, Royal Airs and 27th Lancers
VK, Suncoast Sound, Anaheim Kingsmen and Freelancers.
Dressed in their uniforms from head to toe
Shined and polished for tonight's show
The best corps in the world are here
And all the fans from far and near.
The bugles, oh how they played, the drums so sharp
Color guard spinning the best, the sound prettier than an angels harp
The large crowd rose as one and cheered loud, filling the night
The remaining corps enjoying the sight
All the corps did their best, playing with heart and soul
The music and pageant always so bold
Rondinaro announcing the programs and corps
with DeLucia and Cesario never being bores
The night was full and happy, a drum corps midwinter delight
And we heard and cheered in the dream of Christmas Eve night
A wink of the eye and a nod of the drum major's head
Soon let us know there was nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, going right to their work
The darkness filled with sound, the crowd's heads turned with a jerk
And snapping the corps around with their heads held high
They marched to the front, the fans singing a sigh
The night was over, the corps in retreat
A Christmas Eve dream for all, a treat
But then they were gone, and everyone asleep
The visions of medals and rings, hoping they could keep
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT
Bill Haas
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Short Title: Drunk1
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Help With Holiday Hymns
Message-ID: <49cu44$dna@decaxp.harvard.edu>
From: jthornt@fas.harvard.edu (John Thornton)
Date: 27 Nov 1995 17:56:20 GMT
References: <490lmi$ep3@newsbf02.news.aol.com> <1746314C8S86.slonglad@mmm.com>
Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts
Epic of Santa
(author unknown)
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
There were bottles and butts left around by some louse.
And the best fifth I'd hidden by the chimney with care
Had been snatched by some bum who had found it right there.
My pals: guys and gals had been poured into their beds
To wake in the morning with hungover heads.
My mouth, full of cotton, dropped down with a snap
Because I was dying for one wee nightcap.
When through the south window there came such a yell,
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see
But eight drunken reindeer caught in a tree.
Way in 'mongst the branches was a man in a sleigh.
I saw it was Santa, quite oiled and tres gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came
As he burped and hiccupped and called them by name:
"On Whiskey, on Vodka, we ain't got all night!
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right.
Clammer up to the roof; get the hell off this wall!
Get going you rummies, we've still a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway
And then to my ears, like the roll of a barrel,
Came a hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear.
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was dressed all in red, with white fur for a trim.
And the way Santa swayed, he was tanked to the brim.
The sack on his back held nothing but booze,
And the breath that he blew nearly put me to snooze.
He was both plump and chubby and tried to stand right.
But he didn't fool me; he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings, the plastered old jerk.
And laying his thumb on the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
He sprang for his sleigh at so hasty a pace
He tripped on a shingle and slid on his face.
But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight:
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight."
(Taken from a Christmas card and memorized in 1979.)
John Thornton
jthornt@fas.harvard.edu
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Short Title: Drunk2
From: Dan123999 (dan123999@aol.com)
Subject: The Epic of Santa
Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks
Date: 1999/12/25
The Epic of Santa
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house.
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the north window there came a loud yell.
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see.
but eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came.
While he belched & hiccoughed and called them by name.
"On Whiskey, on Vodka. We ain't got all night.
You too, Gin and Brandy. Now all do it right!
Clamber up on the roof and get off this wall.
Get going you rummies, we've got a long haul!"
So, up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh.
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.
And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise, that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear.
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was both plump and chubby and tried to stand right.
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work.
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.
Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace.
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.
But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
Merry Christmas you lushes, now really get tight.
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Short Title: Drunk3
From Frasier@usa.net Wed Dec 24 18:06:38 1997
Date: Wed, 24 Dec 1997 04:56:42 -0500
From: "Fr@sier"
Subject: Christmas Eve around the Institute
REAL SANTA
by Terry Gray and Larry Gable
'Twas the night before Christmas when Santa got ready
He'd drink his first shot to make his hands steady
He'd load up his sleigh with toys and good cheer,
not forgetting his ice chest with a 12 pack of beer
He was a jolly old elf and worked with a grin,
but remembered the brats then gulped his slo-gin
In a drunken stupor down the chimney he'd fall,
then when he was done... to his reindeer he'd call...
"Hey Falstaff, hey Miller, hey Coors" he'd shout,
"Throw me a rope so I can get out!"
He flew all night long not a house was excluded
leaving toys and a note "Batteries NOT included"
He looked in his sack and said "I'm just about done",
but then he was sleigh-jacked by a kid with a gun
So now Christmas is over and Santa is sober...
But you could hear his exclaim as he walked out of sight
"Hand me a Heineken and give me a light!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Fr@sier's Institute of Relationshipology
http://www.geocities.com/~the_institute
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Short Title: Drunk4
Subject: Twas The Night Before Christmas
From: "E.S.InterGalactic"
Date: 1997/12/23
Message-ID: <349FA620.38A9@telepath.com>
Newsgroups: alt.drunken.bastards
Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
and I was getting soused,
Then upon the rooftop,
there arose such a clatter,
I pissed my pants and thought,
'what dud it matter,'
Then down from the chimney,
comes a gnarley old rotter,
red sock on 'es hed screamin',
'Can you make this fire any hotter?'
As we stood looking
at each other with care,
it came to my attention,
old St. Nick was standing there,
'Hey! You old FACKER!'
I shouted with glee,
'Where's the can?' he replied,
'It's important I pee.'
Upon his return,
he took a drink of my beer,
his face turned red, he coughed,
then hacked in my chair
'Don't drink that rot,'
he said with a twinkle,
reaching down in his bag,
with a rustle and tinkle,
Then to my surprise,
he did make appear,
a case of grade A cider,
then left with my beer,
Pausing at the chimney,
he turned full of cheer,
'Merry Christmas,' he said,
'Drink cider, not beer'
Then up the chimney,
he went like a monkey ablaze,
or maybe he was on fire,
my mind still a haze,
These final words I heard,
as I sipped my cider right,
'Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night'
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Short Title: Drunk5
From: Rosemary Turpin
Sent: December 12, 2006
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISHMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
There were bottles and butts left around by some louse;
And the best fifth I'd hidden by the chimney with care,
Had been drained by some bum who'd found it right there.
My pals, guys and gals, had been poured in their beds
To wake in the morning with hung-over heads;
My mouth felt like cotton and tasted like crap,
Because I was dying for one more nightcap;
When through my south window there came such a yell,
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...?
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught in a tree.
There 'mongst the branches was a man in a sleigh;
I saw it was Santa, all oiled-up and gay.
Staggering blindly, those eight reindeer came,
While he hiccoughed and farted and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! We ain't got all night!
You, too, Gin and Brandy, now let's get it right!
Clamber up on the roof, get the hell off this wall.
Get moving, you rummies! We've got a long haul!"
So, up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree-branch caught Santa and knocked him away.
And then to my ears, like the roll of a barrel,
Came a hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
Well, I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear,
As down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was dressed all in red with soot for a trim,
And the way that he swayed, he was tanked to the brim.
The sack in his hand held nothing but booze,
And the breath he exhaled almost put me to snooze.
He was red-faced and wheezing as he tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me -- he was high as a kite!
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work.
(He missed half the stockings, that plastered old jerk!)
Then, putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang for his sleigh at so hasty a pace
That he tripped on a shingle and fell flat on his face.
But I heard him belch out as he passed from my sight,
"Merry Chrishmas, you lushes, have fun getting tight!"
From totse.com
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Short Title: DrunkVowToBeSober
from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html
'Twas the Night after Christmas
'Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
I felt like the devil, and so did my spouse.
The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,
But ten hours later they sure gave me hell.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care.
The darn things were sprawled on the back of a chair.
The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
And I had a large cake of ice on my head.
When at long last I dozed off in a nap,
The ice woke me up as it fell in my lap.
For some unknown reason I wanted a drink,
So I started in feeling my way to the sink.
I got along fine 'til I stepped on the cat.
I cannot recall what occurred after that.
When I came to, the house was all flooded with light,
Although under the table I was high as a kite.
While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
I somehow got up and climbed back into bed.
Then what to my wandering mind should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
Then the sleigh seemed to change to a mammoth fire truck,
And each reindeer turned into a bleary-eyed buck.
I knew in a moment it must be old Nick.
I tried to cry out, but my tongue was too thick.
The old devil whistled and shouted with glee,
While each buck pawed the earth and looked daggers at me.
Then he called them by name and the names made me shudder.
When I heard them I felt like a ship minus rudder.
"Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Four Roes! and Brandy!
Now Fruit Cake! Cold Turkey! Gin Rickey! and Candy!
To the top of his house, to the top of his skull,
Now whack away, crack it with thumps that are dull!"
And then in a twinkling I felt on my roof
The prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.
How long this went on I am sure I can't say,
Though it seemed an eternity plus a long day.
But finally the night after Christmas had passed,
And I found that I really could think straight at last.
So I thought of the New Year and few days away,
And I made me a vow that no tempter can sway.
I'm sticking to water, don't even want ice,
For there's nothing so tasty, or nothing so nice.
The night after New Year may bother some guys,
But I've learned my lesson, and brother, I'm wise.
You can have your rich food, and your liquor that's red,
But what goes to my stomach won't go to my head.
So here's "Happy New Year" to you one and all.
I'm back on the wagon. I hope I don't fall.
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Short Title: Easter1
'Twas the Night Before Easter!
(a parody at Peggie's Place!)
by Peggie C. Bohanon
Please view this poem at http://www.gospelcom.net/peggiesplace/easter.htm
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Short Title: Easter2
From: Miss Kitty (Miss_Kitty_Kat__@webtv.net)
Subject: Twas the night before Easter...
Newsgroups: alt.strange.days
Date: 2003-04-15 16:45:26 PST
'Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back.
Fred, the mouse in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack.
The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky...
To be honest, they looked just a little bit icky.
There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such,
And as Fred stuffed his face, he sighed, "This is too much!"
Phil and Rose were in bed watching late night TV,
While munching saltines with low-sodium Brie.
Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night.
It shook Phil and Rose, really gave them a fright.
Phil's hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out big...
Rose whipped off the covers and knocked off her wig.
They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds...
What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds:
Across the night sky, with a noise like the dickens,
Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown chickens!
At the wheel sat a bunny -- cute, fuzzy and fat --
In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat.
Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew,
As the van driver called to each hen in his crew:
"Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo!
On Bethany, Liza! On Daphne, on Flo!"
The van made its landing lickety-split ...
Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!
Then up on the roof, much to Phil's consternation,
They squawked of egg prices and space navigation.
They made so much noise that Phil started to stammer,
"If you guys don't shut up, we'll get thrown in the slammer!"
Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket,
And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket.
This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair ..
Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.
His ears were enormous; his huge overbite
Was right under a nose like a pink neon light.
His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool;
This floppy-eared bunny was no fuzzy fool.
"While I'm here," he smiled, "Everybody relaxes ...
I'm not selling storm windows, won't audit your taxes.
I'm just here to bring you some fun and delight.
Eat, drink, and be merry! Let's party tonight!"
So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes,
Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks.
Then flop-ears said, "Hey, friends, we've had quite a ball,
But my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!"
He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear,
And he yelled to his chicken team, "We're outta here!"
As the minivan rose in the 3 a.m. sky,
He called out, "Later, Phil! And to you, Rose, good-bye!"
As he sped out of sight, his two friends heard him say,
"Happy Easter to all! Have a beautiful day!"
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Short Title: Ebonics1
Subject: The Nights Before Christmas [Archive]
From: jrf@NOSPAMcyberjunkie.com (JRF)
Date: 1997/12/07
Message-ID: <66f02l$2hu$1@hirame.wwa.com>
Newsgroups: alt.humor,alt.jokes,alt.tasteless.jokes,rec.humor
- De Nite Befo Crimmus -
(Aka The Ebonics Version)
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
Dat old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.
And what did I see;
said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Sanna Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!
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Short Title: Ebonics2
From: Dave M (murphyd@roadrunner.nf.net)
Subject: Twas the night before christmas Ebonics style :)
View: Complete Thread (3 articles)
Original Format
Newsgroups: nf.general
Date: 2003-12-24 14:42:33 PST
Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and dey be sleepin' damned good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear ole Santy Claws, gunna brang us our check.
All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
I dun passed out on da flow too, right next to my baby's maw,
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".
I looked out thru da bars, to see what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black Santy tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Leroy, On Jerome, On Virgil, On Willy,
On Yolanda, On Crayola, On Kiesha, and Nefilly.
Ol' Santy landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', da damnest thing I ever seed.
Dat black Santy didn't go down no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Sh'eet...he don dis befoe.
He had a big bag, full of presents I spect,
wif Air Jordans and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.
But he left me no presents, just stated stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my shit in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda chased him, be he snagged my knife too.
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, dat son of a bitch.
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!
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Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA
Last Modified January 7, 2007