Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 47 of 50
January 7, 2007

Compiled by: Matthew Monroe

Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

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Short Title: Thanksgiving1

Subject:      Twas the night Before Thanksgiving
From:         Bill Too 
Date:         1997/11/26
Message-ID:   <65htt9$se6@bgtnsc02.worldnet.att.net>
Newsgroups:   soc.retirement

 Twas the night before Thanksgiving and in my sleep.
 Strange dreams in my mind, began to creep
 Thanksgiving leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
 But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

 Tossing and turning with anticipation......
 The thought of a snack became infatuation.....
 So to the kitchen I did race, Flung open the door,
 And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
 I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
 Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

 I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
 Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

 I crashed through the ceiling.  Floating into the sky....
 With a mouthful l of pudding and a handful of pie,
 But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....................

              HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!
      PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!


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Short Title: Thanksgiving2

Author:   HerfDog
Email: bluto@netNOSPAMheaven.com
Date: 1998/11/26
Forums: alt.smokers.cigars

'Twas the night before Thanksgiving in the HerfDog's abode,
I was contemplating the herfing of a fine Moore and Bode.

The turkey was nestled in its microwave tray,
waiting in the freezer for Thanksgiving Day.

Dinner had been Chinese fetched by my waiter,
It's true you know I was hungry one hour later.

I laid on the floor and Web-surfed like a freak,
then flipped on the TV and watched Dawson's Creek.

"No Thanksgiving specials for me!" I loudly crowed,
"I'll sit and watch Babylon 5's last episode."

I thought of the herf that had happened last night
and waited for a report from it on the web site.

Had HerfTones fallen prey to Matt j's "Mooch Trap"
or had they surrendered "nothing but crap?"

Malt River food for them, I'd wager ribs,
Don't you think it's time that they pass out some bibs?

I'd skipped the herf to save up for the Crawl,
Salt City version 2, we're going, one and all.

It was time for a drink to celebrate the season
2 hours,12 White Russians; drunk beyond reason.

By midnight I figured out it was time for bed,
but before I turned in, I'd visit the head.

As I turned off the lights and put down my glass,
I thought "Happy Thanksgiving to All!  I gotta piss."

===============================================
Happy Thanksgiving From The HerfDog!!!

Visit the Mighty Mighty HerfTones at
http://www.members.tripod.com/HerfTones

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Short Title: Thanksgiving3

Subject: Night Before Thanksgiving
Author:   Alan Grossberg
Email: snowbird@ix.netcom.com
Date: 1998/11/26
Forums: dc.general
   
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a.....

OOPS, wrong holiday, Sorry.....

'Twas the night before T-day
And everyone's snoring,
And why, might you ask.....
'Cause this pattern's so BORING.

Record rains back in June
Gave us much cause to swoon,
But by end of the summer
We all sang a new tune.

After three months of drought
Centered in the mid-'Lantic,
The forecasters were stymied,
The farmers were frantic.

As the days became shorter
And the leaves red and gold,
There still came no water
And now uh oh.....no cold!

"Hey, looks like no problem,"
Cried some folks on the Net,
"Lack of rain we can deal with
'Cause soon we'll be wet."

"But this pattern must change,"
Sighed some others who know,
"For rain without cold
Means just that.....rain, not snow!"

So to get a fresh take on this snow deprivation
I consulted my neighbor for his own expectation,
Of when it might snow and when it might blow.....
He was out on the porch with the hog, don't you know.

Bill was pacing the porch all decked out in red flannel,
While Phil still seemed bored by the all-weather channel;
"Hey Bill, watcha know, how ya doin,' how's Phil,
Is he forecasting these days with any more skill?"

With the holidays coming I'd expected good cheer
But the most Bill would offer was his patented sneer;
"Look, son, get lost, ain't got time for you now,
I'm much too damn busy tuning up this here plow!"

"Now hold on there Bill, don't get all in a tizzy,
I can see that as usual you're tied up and busy;
It's just I can't wait, I wanted to know
If you'd venture a guess for the first widespread snow?"

When he heard the word 'snow' he just stopped in his tracks
And he fumbled for something from deep in his slacks;
Then he ran in the house and came back with a bag
Filled with old forecasts from Walston and Drag.

When he found what he wanted his face started to glow
As he showed me his dates for the first real good snow;
"Look, son, I told you, way back last September
When our first snow would be.....you just don't remember."

"Yeah I know what you said, but I'm sure gettin' worried,
'Cause it's almost December and we haven't been buried;
If this pattern keeps up with a trough in the West,
We'll be lucky to pull one good snowfall at best."

"The pattern will change," he snorted and huffed,
"You're just bent out of shape from the forecast you muffed;
You called for a snow twenty-third or the fourth,
And plenty of cold from out of the north.
It's fine if you forecast many months in advance
But snow this November? Hell no, not a chance!"

As he stalked away laughing towards the edge of the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.....

Oops. Wrong holiday again.....

When he got to the edge of the porch, near the rail,
I noticed a turkey all hearty and hale;
"Hey Bill," I yelled out, "so what's with the bird?
A replacement for Phil? I think that's absurd!"

"Au contraire," he just laughed, "I've been getting him plump,
As a present for you, you forecasting chump!
Now mark down my words, and don't you dismiss this.....
There'll be two heavy snows within one week of Christmas."

And as he and the hog disappeared in the night
I walked home with the turkey.....geez what a sight;
And so ends this tale, no more can I scrawl.....
Happy Thanksgiving I say, to everyone all!


References in this poem are factual, and any resemblance to person(s), places,
and organizations
are purely intentional. The groundhog is another matter entirely.
copyright Alan Grossberg (Badgers Island Press, 1998. All rights reserved).

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Short Title: Thanksgiving4

Subject: Fwd: Thanksgiving Wishes From the Stunkels
Author: Unknown
Date: 2002/11/22

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, 
but I just couldn't sleep 
I tried counting backwards, 
I tried counting sheep. 
 
The leftovers beckoned - 
the dark meat and white 
but I fought the temptation 
with all of my might. 
 
Tossing and turning with anticipation 
the thought of a snack became infatuation. 
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door 
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore. 
 
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, 
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. 
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, 
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. 
 
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky 
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie. 
 
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.... 
Happy Eating To All -  Pass the cranberries, please. 
 
May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump. 
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump, 
May your yams be delicious may your pies take the prize, 
may your Thanksgiving dinner - stay off of your thighs. 


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Short Title: Transformers1

Subject:      A Visit From Santa Ginrai by Brian J. Kelly
From:         "Charles N Sullivan" 
Date:         1997/12/25
Message-ID:   <01bd117e$8aa284a0$0b34edcc@default>
Newsgroups:   alt.toys.transformers

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore...

A Visit From Santa Ginrai
by Brian J. "Kinzokutaka" Kelly

'Twas the night before Christmas; I was trying to nap.
Not a creature was stirring, not even Rattrap.

Extra-large stockings were hung with huge tacks,
In hopes that Santa Ginrai might bring them Fort Max!

Daniel was nestled all snug in his bed,
Just in time, too, 'cause I was out of my head --
Carly in her jumpsuit, and I in my cap,
Were quite a bit sick of putting up with his crap!

When outside Autobot City there arose such a clatter,
I leaped from my bed, fearing Megatron's anti-matter.

Away to the window I flew in a blur,
And gazed down below, trying to spot Scamper
This breach of security had better have good reason
Especially in the midsts of this holiday season.

But then what did I see, as I readied two blasters?
But a red rocket-sleigh, and six MicroMasters!
With huge, well-armed driver, so deadly but spry,
I knew in a moment it was Santa Ginrai!

More rapid than Jetfire, his Micros they came,
And he radioed, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, MOONROCK! now, HEAVE! now, PHASER and BLAST MASTER!
On, MISSILE MASTER! on BARRAGE! I KNOW you can move FASTER!
To the top of Autobot City! To the top of the tower!
We'll brandish our weapons, and make all Destrons cower!"

Then dry leaves blew 'round, as if Vortex was near
As Ginrai rocketed up, piloting without fear.
Godbomber had been modified, and on him Gin flew
Pulled by six MicroMasters, and rocket-sleds, too.

And then, up above, I heard on the helipad,
Ginrai land safely, and boy, was I glad!
I holstered my blasters, and was turning around,
When into my living room Gin came with a bound.

He was wearing power armour, from his head to his foot,
And was bristling with weaponry, to turn Destrons to soot.
A large bag of TransFormers he had flung on his back,
And he looked just like Hubcap as he opened his pack.
His optics -- they twinkled! His faceplate, how shiny!
His shoulder cannons glistened, not ONE of them tiny!
Yet he looked so familiar, I had to spend time
Wondering just why the hell he looked so much like Prime

Of course I knew, they were both the same toy,
But Prime was from Cybertron, Ginrai an Earth boy
I wanted to ask him, without sounding coy,
Why the Japanese writers didn't call him 'Convoy'!

Then I looked at his weapons, and thought it was wise
Not to piss off a Transformer of such a great size
But with a wink of the optic and a twist of his head,
I soon came to realize I had nothing to dread.

He moved in silence, with the stealth of Nightbird
And filled all the stockings without even a word.
Then running outside, he leaped in the air
And sailed up to the helipad, with anime flair.

He sprang to his rocket-sled, and radioed his team
And away they all flew with the speed of Starscream
But I heard him exclaim, as he blasted from sight,

"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

Happy New Year, everybody!!
--Brian

Ja mata!
© 1997 kinzokutaka@hotmail.com


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Short Title: Transformers2

   Author:   Ron
   Email: eli97@geocities.com
   Date: 1998/12/22
   Forums: alt.toys.transformers

For some strange reason, I conjured this up while trying to go to
sleep last night.
--
Ron Shuboney
Webmaster of Cafť Spark:
  [ http://www.frontiernet.net/~jshubo/CafeSpark/ ]

'Twas The Night Before Christmas--Transformer Style
       -By Ron Shuboney-

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Cybertron
Not a creature was stirring, not even one Decepticon.
The stockings were hung near Teletron with care,
In hopes that St. Prime soon would be there.
The young ones were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of femme-bots danced in their heads;
When out on the street there arose such a roar,
I sprang to the window hoping I could see more.

Then, what should appear to my wandering eyes?
But Optimus Prime in a clever disguise!
The young 'Bots dashed to the window post haste;
The dew on the glass their tounges could taste.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
He passed out the presents then turned with a jerk,
He returned to the street from hence he came,
Just as he arrived, he left just the same.

And I heard him exclaim as he Trasformed and rolled out,
"Merry Christmas to all! May your sparks never die out..."


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Short Title: Triathlon

Subject:      Twas the night before Christmas...the triathlete way!
From:         ironpete@aol.com (Iron Pete)
Date:         1997/12/24
Message-ID:   <19971224192201.OAA25518@ladder02.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   rec.sport.triathlon

I hope people appreciate this little ditty I created...took me a couple of
hours, but I hope you find it amusing. :-)
-------------------

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a Computrainer was stirring, not even its computer mouse.
The swim fins were hung by the finisher's medals with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The triathletes were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of Ironman Hawaii danced in their heads.
And Alexandra Paul in her wetsuit, and I in my swim cap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

When out on our front porch there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away from the window I flew like a flash,
accidently knocking over my Zipp, now I need more cash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the lustre of night on the Queen K below,
when what to my wandering eyes should see and like,
but a miniture pace car and eight streamlined bikes.

With an astounding collection of bikes, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles, his courses they came,
and he whistled and should and called them by name:

"Now Zipp! Now Felt!
Now Litespeed and Trek!
On Kestrel! On QR!
On Huffy and Cannondale!
To the front of the pack!
Through the proverbial wall!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
when they met with an obstacle, draft not, just fly
so go to the front of the house they flew,
with the pace car full of IM lottery slots, and St. Nick too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard rather then feel
the skidding and rolling of each radially laced wheel.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
through the front door St. Nick came with a bound.

He was dressed all in rubber, a wetsuit you bet,
and his clothes were all tarnished with chlorine and sweat.
A bundle of lottery slots he had flung on his back,
and he looked like an obsessive sport just opening his GU pack.

His goggles how they twinkled! His heart rate monitor no less!
His cheeks were like roses, forgot the sunblock I guess.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
The energy drink he had was too concentrated, you know!

The stump of a Powerbar he held tight in his teeth,
and the remaining chunks it encircled his mouth like a wreath.
An oblong face and chiseled abs he bore
that rippled when he laughed, like waves on a shore.

He was lean and muscular, a very fit elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
A winning lottery slot was nothing to dread!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the swim fins, then turned with a jerk
And tugging his quick-laces tight on his shoe
and giving a nod, through the front door he was through.

He sprang to his bikes, into his pace car with delight,
And away they all sped, like a flash of light.
But I heard him explain, ere he drove out of sight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!!!

-------------------
Happy Holidays!!

"Iron Pete" Priolo
IMC'96 - 10:36:37    IMC'97 - 10:42:53
'98 - Gulf Coast Tri, IMC - confirmed
'98 - Buffalo Springs Lake Tri, Blackwater Eagleman - unconfirmed


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Short Title: TVShowAmericanIdol

From: Henry Watson
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 6:43 AM
Subject: American Idol

The Night Before Idol

Twas the night before Idol, and all through the town
Everyone was excited that the show was coming around
The wannabes were singing their favorite songs today
In hopes that Simon Cowell wouldn't chase them away

The Clay Aiken CD's were selling out in malls
While Kelly Clarkson posters were hanging on the wall
And Ruben Studdard and Fantasia would wait
For the next hit song written by Tamyra Gray

When out in the square there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my Internet to see what was the matter
And right down the street, I raced through the night
Tore into the crowd and looked at the sight

The neon sign sporting the name of the show
Gave off that familiar blue and white glow
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
Three judges who were looking for talent this year

With a handsome host that we all loved the best
I knew immediately it was Ryan Seacrest
More rapid than eagles, the Idol stars came
We whistled and shouted and called them by name

"Now Kelly!  Now Justin!
Now Clay and Ruben!
On Bo! On Diana!
On, Carrie and Fantasia!

To the top of the stage!
With your name on the wall!
Now sing it, and sing it good!
Sing for us all!"

Then we heard songs like I Believe I Can Fly,
It was up to the judges to pick who they liked
And yes, you guessed it, some singers were sent through
And others left with broken dreams, too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard coming out
The cutting remarks from Simon's evil mouth
But Paula always managed to save the day
And Randy said, "Dawg, you're well on your way"

We would hear classic soul and modern R&B
And we also had country, rock and Top 40
A few jazz standards could be heard from the back
And we cheered very loudly from the gathered pack

Hey Randy, what's up?  Hey Paula, we love you!
But no love for Simon, all we ever do is boo!
And Ryan, we'll be watching the next Idol show
And listen for your Top 40 on the radio

There were memories of Nikko Smith, the ballplayer's son
And that terrible She Bangs cover by William Hung
And there was Scott Savol, to me it seems
That he's secretly that guy from The King of Queens

There's the mail girl from Florida, "Hello, Vonzell,"
And the schoolteacher, Anwar, I remember him well
Rock & roll with Constantine, Nadia and Bo
Where have you gone, Diana DeGarmo?

I sure wish Mikalah and Lindsey had stayed
A little bit longer before they went away
Anthony Fedorov, you have a voice of gold
And Jessica Sierra, stop trying to be J-Lo!

But joining Fantasia and Ruben and Kelly
Is a sweet girl from Oklahoma named Carrie
And I heard Ryan exclaim, as the show left town,
"Hope you all had fun tonight, now Seacrest...OUT!"


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Short Title: TVShowAngel

From: Regina Crossfield
Date: 2003-12-20

Angelesque Night Before Christmas
by Regina Crossfield

Twas the night before the Apocalypse, when all through L.A.
The Senior Partners were stirring, Hell was headed that way.
The Shanshu had been read by Wesley with care
In the hopes that the vampire Angel would fill the role foretold there.

Still asleep in a coma, lying in a hospital bed, 
Cordelia Chase was awoken by demon dreams in her head.
And I, now enjoying the quiet and a bloody nightcap, 
Settled down at Wolfram & Hart, preparing to nap.

When down in the lobby came an annoying loud clatter, 
I sprang from the bossís chair to see what the hell was the matter.
Feeling grumpy, ready to bite, away to the lobby I flew like a flash, 
And found me scene I liked less than a rash.

They were gathered around him, all speaking quite quick, 
To their champion, their hero, who I thought was a prick.
Cordelia now spoke, and told the reason she came, 
She warned of a demon, though she knew not his name.

"Now Gunn, you take Lorne, Wesley, and Fred!
Cordeliaís with me, donít stop till heís dead!"
When Angel had finished, I leapt down the stairs, 
Saying, "You're looney to fight the Apocalypse without your buddy Spike there!"

Fred whispered to Angel, and the team said no more, 
As they followed to vampires in black coats out the door.
The battle was quite bloody, legend still tells of that fight, 
And how seven brave hunters defeated the devil that night.

With bodies bloody and broken, I stood with Angel, my vampire friend, 
As we both faced the demon, each hoping to save the world from the end.
I am sure you are wondering what happened next, 
Well it seems the Shanshu translation had a minor error in its text.

It told of one vampire with a soul and an angelic face, too, 
But the prophecy was meant to read not one vampire, but two.
And so on this Christmas Eve tell your children not to fright, 
For there are now two champions fighting things that go bump in the night!

Regina Crossfield
December 19, 2003
Crossfield@bellsouth.net


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Short Title: TVShowAnimaniacs

from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html

 The script to the "Day Before Christmas" episode of Animaniacs
Written by: Randy Rogel and Tom Ruegger

Abbreviations:
Dr. SnS is Dr. Scratchansniff
Exec. is Thadius Plotz, CEO of Warner Brothers Studio
Y,W,D are Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, respectively

Slappy: Twas the day before Christmas and winter's deep freeze;
 But in Burbank, LA, it was ninety degrees.
 Now tonight is the night Santa comes to the lot,
 Bringing presents for Yakko, Wakko, and Dot.

 The kids were excited. They rushed to prepare.
 But others looked on with a growing despair.
Exec.: These gifts for the Warners, someone's got to see to it,
 They must be delivered. I want you to do it.

Dr.SnS: But I did it last year, or have you forgot?
 Those kids drove me bonkees and kissed me alot.
 They made me stay up singing carols all night.
 And then I got creamed in that big pillow fight.

Nurse: But why bring them presents, when Santa will do?
Exec: It's a clause in their contract. If we don't they can sue.
 There must be a person who'll deliver this stuff.
 But where can I find someone stupid enough?

Ralph: Duh...Goodnight Mr. Costner, go ahead, pass on by.
 Merry Christmas-
Mindy: -Ok, I love you, bye bye.
Ralph: Uh, good night Mr. Hippo.
Flavio: Good night to you, too.
Marita: Come along, Flavio. We've more shopping to do.

Runt: I'm hungry.
Rita: Be quiet! We don't wanna get caught.
 There might be some trash cans with food on the lot.
Ralph: Uhhh.. G'night, Mr. Keaton. That's a lovely sedan.
Exec.: Give him a Santa suit! Ralph is our man!

Y: So, twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
D: Some creatures were stirring...
W: ...including a mouse!

Brain: Tonight, my dear Pinky, our plan is unfurled.
 We'll steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world.
Pinky: Brain, you're a genius! You simply astound me.
Brain: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Pinky: Narf! Brain's gonna pound me.


D: The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed,
W: In hopes that old Santa would leave a big load.
Y: (*MWAH!* Goodnight, everybody!)
 The children were nestled all fast in their beds,
W: While visions of sugarplums danced in our heads.
  (Deeeee- licious!)

Y: We were all feeling tired when we turned out the light.
 ... Forget it, there's no way I'm sleeping tonight.
D: When out on the lot there arose such a rumble.
Y: We sprang from our beds... 
W: ...and we all took a tumble. 

Y: And what through our wondering eyes did we view? 
D: But a cat and a dog in the garbage. Pee-yew! 
Y: Then to our surprise we heard distant banters, 
 of a miniature sleigh and eight pigeons with antlers. 

Pesto: I'm dyin' here...uh! 
Squit: ...this sure ain't no fun. 
Bobby: The guy in the suit, he must weigh a ton. 
D: With a little old driver so lively and quick, 
W: We knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick. 

Ralph: Duh.. Now Bobby, now Squit, now Pesto, now Vixen
 on Comet, on Cupid, on Richard and Nixon. 
 To the top of the tower, come on now, let's fly! 
Pesto: I just got a hernia thanks to this guy. 

Y: So up to the rooftop Santa was hurled. 
Brain: As soon as it lands we'll take over the world!
 (Crash!) ...
 Pinky, I am in considerable pain. 
Pinky: Narf! Zork! Poit! Gak!
 I'm with you brain. 

Y: It was a time of excitement, the moment drew near. 
D: There was no doubt about it... 
W: ...Santa was here!! 
Squit: Your antlers look cute, Pesto. 
Pesto: All right, that's it!! 
Bobby: Yo, Pesto, it's Christmas. Quit whackin' on Squit. 

Y: And while the pigeons with antlers were having their kicks, 
 Santa fell through the roof, like a sack full of bricks. 
D: He was dressed all in fur, with a glaze in his eyes. 
 Cause the fall knocked him silly. 
Ralph: Uhh...Happy Easter you guys! 

W: His face, how it twinkled! 
 His dimples, how merry! 
D: His cheeks were like roses. 
Y: His gut, that was scary. 

W: He spoke not a word, 
 but instead went right to it.
 He emptied his bag. 
Ralph: Ahhhh! that oughta do it. 

Y: Then laying his finger inside of his nose, 
 (which the dear network censor finds totally gross.) 
W: Lumbering up the tree trunk he rose. 

D: He sprang to his sleigh,
 and signaled the flock. 
Ralph: Duuuh, giddy-up, birdies! 
Y: Then they dropped like a rock. 

W: As we heard him exclaim, from up high in the sky...
Santa: Seasons greetings to all! 
Y: And we saw him fly by. 

Runt: Thanks Santa! 
Rita: We mean it! 
Runt: Yeah, thanks a whole lot! 
Santa: And Merry Christmas to Yakko, Wakko and Dot. 

Skippy: And Merry Christmas, Aunt Slappy.
 And to you girls and boys. 
 As for me (Yawn!).... 
 I'm going downstairs to open my toys!
  
 
contributed by Teddy Slottow (edward@mit.edu)

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Short Title: TVShowBabylon5_1

   Author:   B5 Merlen
   Email: b5merlen@aol.com
   Date: 1998/12/08
   Forums: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.moderated

'Twas the Night before Christmas' (Babylon 5 style)

It was the night before Christmas
And all over Babylon
Not an alien was stirring
Not even the Vorlon

With Londo Mollari
All snug in his bed
While visions of dead Narn
Danced through his head

Delenn in her nightgown
And John in his sweats
Had just settled down
To get some much needed rest

When out from the Babcom
A call came from Susan
"John come up to the dome
And you might bring Delenn"

When they had got up there
What should they see?
Nine reindeer in spacesuits
Pulling a starfury

When suddenly a message
From the starfury comes in
They see a figure in red
Who says, "Hello, old friends"

He parks next to Kosh's ship
And takes an inventory
While Rudolph and the other deer
Tell the ship Christmas stories

The chap is greeted by G-man
Pointing a gun at his head
But his papers of transit
Show there's nothing to dread

In no time at all
He's done what he had to do
He's left lots of presents
For the ambassadors and crew

He returns to the docking bay
And climbs into his fury
He takes off from the station
Like he's in a big hurry

He heads for the jumpgate
But as he goes in
He exclaims, "In Valens name"
And disappears with a grin

B5Merlen

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Short Title: TVShowBabylon5_2

from http://www.westies.com/misc/b5-xmas.html 

        A Babylon Five Christmas
    (with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

       'Twas the night before Christmas
       And all through B-Five,
       We were all stuggling
       To keep our best hope alive.
       The fighters were hung
       In the hangers with care,
       In case any Shadows
       Appeared from thin air.
       The Aliens were hiding
       All scared in their quarters,
       While visions of holocaust
       Raced 'cross their borders.
       With Susan and Michael,
       And I in C-N-C,
       We had to keep lookout
       For trouble, you see.
       When right out of space dock,
       There arose a commotion,
       I sprang from my console
       To set Security in motion.
       Away to the docks
       I ran quite abrupt,
       My PPG loaded
       And fully charged up.
       When what do my wondering
       Eyes look upon?
       One of the Vorlons,
       Encounter suit on.
       I suddenly thought of
       My father, by Gosh!
       I knew in a minute
       It had to be Kosh.
       He was dressed in his helmet,
       With flowing dark robes,
       And looked like he filled up
       With several small strobes.
       His "eye" -- how it twinkled!
       His shoulders -- so strong!
       And how does he hover
       For so very long?
       More distant than galaxies,
       His simple voice came.
       We heard all the windchimes
       As he called us by name:
       "On Sheridan! On Susan!
       On Delenn and Lennier!
       On Michael! On Marcus!
       You've always been here!".
       "To the edge of the stars
       The Shadows will call.
       Now run away! Run Away!
       Run away all!"
       And then, in a twinking,
       In my mind did appear,
       All of my friends
       Looking quite queer!
       All of them asking,
       "Do you know who you are?"
       They seemed to talking
       From near and from far.
       And there was my father,
       "Dad, why are you here?",
       I asked. But he answered,
       "Listen and hear!".
       The room was then filled
       With such music and lights!
       It really unnerved me,
       And gave me the frights!
       I stood there and listened,
       As was my duty.
       And then said the Vorlon,
       "A moment of Beauty."
       Then a wink of his "eye",
       And a twist of his head.
       Soon gave me to realize
       I don't know just what he said!
       He spoke no more words,
       Just whistles and chimes.
       I hate when he does that!
       (It bugs me at times!).
       Into his ship
       He disappeared fast,
       And out through the space doors
       He left in a blast!
       The others said, "What
       Did he say to you?".
       To which I replied,
       "I haven't a clue!"
       
        --Kevin G. J. Freels, 1996
   
        © Copyright 1996, Kevin G. J. Freels

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Short Title: TVShowBuffy1

From: DarkMagic (slnospambilan@comcast.net)
Subject: Twas the Night Before the Apocalypse 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer
Date: 2002-12-17 11:14:40 PST 
 
Twas the night before the Apocalypse
And all through the town
the creatures were stirring
plenty of evil to go 'round

The Slayer was patrolling the city with care
In hopes that First Evil soon would be there
The vampires weren't snug all in their crypts
but hoping to avoid the Slayer's pointy, sharp, stick.

Fans in their nightshirts, drinking night caps
are all settled in for a brainy, Mutant Enemy Trap
When what to our wondering eyes should appear
but Giles, her Watcher, the Slayer's in training are here

Ubervamp is ugly from head to cloven foot
And his body's all tarnished with dirt and tree root
His eyes how they glower, his claws long and tear-y
The "Grrr Arrrg", it echoes, through the streets it does carry

He's horrible and scary, no jolly old elf
And Buffy trembles when she sees him, in spite of herself
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know our Slayer's gonna be dead (again)

And ME exclaims as BtVS disappears from sight
"Happy Christmas to all, and did we give you a good-fright?"

--
Shannon

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Short Title: TVShowBuffy2

From: dark elf (evil.hades@charter.net)
Subject: fic: A Buffy Night Before Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer.creative
Date: 2003-12-25 23:41:55 PST 

OK, I wrote this years ago when Spike first entered the picture and Angel
had just left and found it when I was cleaning out some stuff the other day.
I would have loved to see this played out because I always did hate Angel:


Twas the night before Christmas and in the cemetery
The young slayer stood battle ready and wary
Her crossbow and stakes were poised, ready to slay
In hopes that Spike might wander through on that day

When what to her tired blood shot eyes should appear
But Angel in a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer
"I love you!" he whined as he rushed to her side
"But we never can be, because of my dark side!!"
"Then why did you come here?!?" she shouted and pushed him away
"And what's with the reindeer anyway?"

"They belong to the red demon, I fought and I slew
He snuck down my chimney so I ripped him in two.
As he perished he kept sputtering something about toys.
And having to get them to all the good girls and boys.
I rushed here to warn you that there may be some more
Out roaming the night to settle the score
So get Willow, get Giles, get Xander, Oz too
Tell them to get busy, they've research to do!"

The slayer's jaw dropped, she couldn't believe her ears
For Christmas and Santa had always brought her great cheer
"You idiot!"  she cried and leapt through the air
One hand grabbed a stake, the other his hair
He had no time to react as the stake found its mark
He burst into the dust that blew into the dark

Then she turned and saw the sleigh, and she thought of the kids
She grabbed up the reins and into the front seat she slid
With a whistle they flew up into the night
as she exclaimed, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good bite!"


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Short Title: TVShowBundy1

Date: 8-DEC-1996 20:01:31.18
Subj: Al Bundy Christmas

An Al Bundy Christmas (taken from that hour-long episode with Sam Kinison)

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not a piece of food was stirring, not even a mouse.
The children were sleeping, all tucked in their beds
while the wife's constant whining was drilling his head.
The stockings were hung round daddy's neck like a tie           
with a note attached that read, "Presents or Die!"            
But this year daddy had money all locked in the bank           
but they closed early.  Now dad's in the tank.                  
When all of a sudden, Santa appeared.                             
His big pot belly and booze in his beard.                    
"Ho ho ho!"  As he laughed merrily,                                
I said,"Santa, you do so much for others, do something for me."   
"Give it up Bundy, you only sell shoes.                           
Your son is a sneak thief.  You daughter's a flooze.                
Not only your children, but how 'bout your wife.
Hair like an A-bomb, nails like a knife."
He went back up the chimney, that fat old bum
He mooned me 2 times and stuck out his tongue.
He got back on his sled, and as he broke wind with glee,
he said, "You're married with children.  You'll never be free."

 

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Short Title: TVShowBundy2

Subject:      Re: Christmas Syndication?
From:         Wordsmith 
Date:         1997/12/10
Message-ID:   <348F1668.67AB@fls.infi.net>
Newsgroups:   alt.tv.mwc


Al's Visit from St Nicholas
by (presumedly) Michael G Moye and Ron Leavitt
[with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore]

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
No food was a-stirrin' --
Not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung
Round Dad's neck like a tie.
Along with a note
That said, "Presents or die."

The children were plotting
All night in their beds,
While the wife's constant whining
Was splitting his head.

But Daddy had money
This year in the bank.
Then they closed up early --
Now Dad's in the tank.

When all of a sudden,
Santa appeared!
A sneer on his face --
Booze in his beard.

"Santa," I said,
As he laughed merrily,
"You do so much for others:
Do something for me?"

"Bundy," he said,
"You only sell shoes.
Your son is a sneak thief,
Your daughter's a flooze!"

"Ho, ho!" Santa said,
"Should I mention your wife?
Her hair's like an A-bomb,
Her nails like a knife!"

He climbed up the chimney,
The fat piece of dung.
He mooned me two times.
He stuck out his tongue!

And I heard him exclaim,
As he broke wind with glee,
"You're married, with children:
You'll never be free!"


And to Al, a good night...

 

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Short Title: TVShowDavidDuchovny(X-files)

   Author:   Special Agent Dana Scully
   Email: queequeg@fox.nji.com
   Date: 1998/12/24
   Forums: alt.fan.david-duchovny

Well, DD fans, here it is.....

Twas the Night Before David

Twas the night before David
and all through my mind
not a creature was stirring
only perverted thoughts of David's behind
The speedos were hung by the chimney with care
in hopes of an eventual game of truth or dare

I was nestled all snug in my bed,
While visions of  large plums danced in my head;
And a picture of David I held near my lap,
I had settled down for a just nap,

When out on the driveway there arose such a screech,
I sprang from the bed to grab anything within reach.
Away to the window I ran to see,
Who could make wheels screech in weather 30 degree.

The moon on the breast of the vehicle below
Gave the lustre to the car struck in the snow,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a burgundy BMW, a convertable with the top in the rear,
With a sexy driver, so lively yet serene,
I knew in a moment it must be David come to me as if in a dream.
More rapid than an abduction his voice it came,
And he whistled, and hollered, and it sounded the same;

"Darnit the car, it just spun out
I was on the PCH and now, no doubt
I am somewhere far to the east in the snow
How I'll get home I just don't know!"

As dry heaves that my nerves went high,
What would I do if met eye to eye,
So down to the foyer off to do,
To help Daivd and his car that must be new.

And then, in a sudden I heard at the door
The crunching steps of workman's boots chilled me to the core..
As I drew in my hand from the door, I wanted to turn around,
Into the house came David in a scene.
He was dressed all in black leather jacket, t-shirt and tight blue jeans,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of interesting toys he had on his back,
And he looked he could have just opened his pack.

His hazel eyes -- how they twinkled! his divits how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a big cherry!
His lower lip was drawn up like a bow,
His hair glistened sparkling still with snow;

The mag lite he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke of hi breath encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a perfect face and abdomens like a six-pack,
That he showed, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was breathtaking and perfect, a not egotistical or full of himself,
And I gasped when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a smile so dear,
I soon knew that I had nothing to fear
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work on me,
And filled all my stockings (a few times over); then turned a few times
over we....
And laying his finger aside of my face,
And giving a nod, his chimney it rose;

He sprang my bed, a nap I needed no longer,
And away we flew like the sound of the unrequited lust no longer
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of all my might,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!

Merry Christmas Everyone!
And a Happy New Year!

Love,
Sharon

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Short Title: TVShowEmergency

From: MOFTAP (moftap@aol.com)
Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (E! style) 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.emergency
Date: 2002-12-21 01:53:50 PST 

  Hope you enjoy this!  ~ Becca

'Twas the night before Christmas
And throughout 51's
All of A-shift was hoping
For a night with no runs. 

In just a few hours
They'd be home safe and sound
With their families and friends
All gathered around. 

When out of their beds
The men suddenly sprang
As the familiar sound
Of the Klaxon bells rang.

A house was on fire
Not a second to waste
Yet they gave not a thought
To the dangers they faced.

Captain Stanley stood strong
As he called each command
And his men carried out 
The attack he had planned. 

They knew that the blaze
Must be quickly knocked down
For a child was trapped
And she had to be found.

Stoker manned all the pumps 
And the hoses quite well
As the other four crewmen
Walked straight into hell.

Chet, Marco and Roy
Searched each bedroom and hall
But it was Johnny who first heard
A tiny voice call.

And within a few seconds
The medic had found
A small, frightened girl
Huddled close to the ground.

"Don't be afraid sweetheart
Let's go for a ride 
I'll take you to Daddy
And Mommy outside."

Gathered in his strong arms
She held on oh-so-tight
As he whisked her to safety
That cold winter's night.

With the family safe
And the fire expired
The men headed back
Wet, frozen and tired.

It's all part of the job
But each knew in his heart
That a life had been saved
And they'd all played a part.

So although they were weary
They were also quite thrilled
For each man's Christmas wish
Had already been filled.

And with just a few hours
Until Christmas morn
The six firemen
Headed into the dorm.

But they heard a voice say
As they turned out the light
"Happy Christmas to all
And to all a goodnight!"


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Short Title: TVShowER

Subject: 'Twas The Night To Watch ER 
Date: 05/15/2000 
Author: Joy Norrie  
Newsgroup: alt.tv.er

Hi ER Fans! :) I posted this in ER Top Level Discussion and thought you might get a kick out of it :) 
Just a little something I thought up to pass the time until Thursday. 
 
  'Twas the night to watch ER as I sat on my couch, 
  Not a creature was stirring except my husband the grouch:
  The tv was blaring, there was excitement in the air, 
  In the hopes that Doug Ross might possibly be there;

  The children were sleeping all snug in their beds, 
  Had they woke up, I would've knocked off their heads: (kidding!)
  With me in my curlers and popcorn on my lap, 
  I had just settled down from a long day of crap;

  When out from the kitchen there rose such a clatter, 
  I just thought to myself, "Now what the hell's the matter!?"
  So up from the couch I flew like a bat, 
  Got distracted by the tv when someone yelled, "STAT!"
  
  When what to my wondering eyes should appear, 
  But my fat,ugly husband asking to get him a beer;
  With ER begining I had to be quick, 
  And all I kept thinking was, "Could you be more of a dick!?"

  More rapid than eagles in Kerry came, 
  And she whistled and shouted and called them by name, 
  "Now Carter! Now Carol! Now Deb and Malucci! 
  On Abby! On Peter! On Mark and on Lucy!?" (oops, nevermind that!:)   

  To the top on the halls, to the top of the stairs, 
  "Can't you idiots see people waiting in chairs!?"
  Jing-Mei is upset and knows something is awry, 
  I think I just saw a "whirling dervish" go by!
  
  So here comes Carol with babies Tess and Kate, 
  And who should be waiting but Luka, could it be fate? (I think not.) 
  And then in a twinkling I thought about Doug, 
  "Man, you better come get your woman...don't be a thug!"
  
  And before I knew it...I had just turned around, 
  Out the ER doors Carol came with a bound;
  She was dressed in scrubs from her head to her foot, 
  I wondered what happened "Did Kerry give her the boot!?" 
  
  A bundle of clothes she had thrown in a sack, 
  I knew this was it....She wouldn't be back. :(
  His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry, 
  Maybe Carol could ask Doug if he has seen Jerry!? :)
  
  He's dressed all in flannel, getting ready to row, 
  And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow; (and looking pretty scruffy if ya ask me!:)
  The stump of a cig he held tight in his teeth, 
  Oh wait, that was Carter, what's going on...good grief!!!
  
  He was tall dark and handsom, a right fine-looking elf, 
  And I cheered when I saw him in spite of myself;
  The gleam in Carol's eye showed she really loved this dude, 
  Soon gave me to know that poor Luka was screwed;
  
  He spoke not a word (Almost!) and gave her a hug, 
  I knew at that moment he wasn't a thug;
  And so that was it, we'll just have to guess, 
  What the hell happened to twins Kate and Tess!? (And Jerry!) 

  But I heard Kerry exclaim as she learned of Carol's plight, 
  "Back to work people! What a fucking night!!!" :)
 
Editor's Note: Refers to the 2000 season premier of ER
 

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Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA

Last Modified January 7, 2007