Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 25 of 50
January 7, 2007

Compiled by: Matthew Monroe

Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordKwanzaaDrWho

   Kwanzaa's Worst Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before christmas, and all through Kwanzaa's house
Not a creature was stirring, for evil Lord Kwanzaa was soused,
Kwanzaa'd hung his dirty underwear by the chimney to air,
In hopes it'd kill the cockroaches who were running everywhere,

His elfin slave hags were snug in their shackles enmeshed,
All hoping for someone to rescue them from this nest
When out atop the roof there arose such a clatter
Was a Dr. Who BBC raiding party, arrived to deal with the Lord Kwanza matter,

At first they spoke not a word but went straight to their work,
Then the group of strange aliens prepared to do Kwanzaa the worst,
Doctor Who led the group and was first to go in,
Followed by the aliens whose patience was wearing thin,

Dr Who's voice grew louder above the din,
As he called on the other villians to join him within:
"Come Master, On Cybermen, on Yeti, on Zarbi, on Daleks and Sontarons,
On Zygons, on Mandrells, on Fenric, on Autons,

To the bedroom of Lord Kwanzaa, down that dark hall,
Now PILLAGE! PILLAGE!, Let's retake all!"
Such a horrible sight Kwanzaa Mfume's eyes did meet,
That the dreaded old evil dark Lord beat a hasty retreat.

And to the bedroom with all haste they flew,
As they knew the Doctor would think of something to do.
The Kwanzaa turned, then laughed and launched his attack,
And Ace ran on to get her Nitro-9 ladden back pack.

The Doctor took in his plight and looked around,
And Sarah set up barricades to trap Kwanzaa round
Then the evil Lord Kwanzaa, with his swag in tow,
Neared the intruders to try to vanguish his hated foe.

"One Moment!" cried the Doctor, "Just one moment please!"
To which the evil Kwanzaa replied "Doctor, on your knees!"
"But don't you see", continued the Doctor, "This is all wrong"
To which the Sontarons answered "Yes, Doctor, but not for long"

"Surrender, Lord Kwanzaa! surrender!" the Sontaron cried most addament,
To which the Cyberman leader replied in his deep voice "This will be his Last Testament"
As they their lead, and surrounded their prey,
They savored this Dalek doom and their victory that day.

"I'll waste no more time," Kwanzaa said, "But I'll destroy you with glee
And then we'll destroy your Christmas and holidays, and the hated joy they bring!"
The Doctor was anxious and worried about this fate,
Hoping the calvary would arrive soon, and not a minute too late.

"For you, Lord Kwanzaa, the victory will be quite sour
For you have sealed your own doom within the hour!
For Cybermen have laid out many booby traps
And very soon Evil Lord, we'll have you under wraps,

The Sontarians spread a net and captured Kwanzaa inside,
While Ace and the Doctor pillaged everything inside,
They stuffed all their booty into great bags,
And even freed Lord Kwanzaa's enslaved ugly elfin hags,

Then laying a finger inside Kwanzaa's nose,
up the chimney to escape, all the brave raiding lads rose,
And Kwanzaa heard them exclaim as they rode out of sight,
"To the North Pole and Santa, he'll be putting back all the toys tonight!

Merry Christmas to all, It's been the BBC's best Night"

-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordKwanzaaEaster1

      Da Night Befo Easter

  Wuz de nite befo Easter;
  And all ower da hood;
  ereybody wuz' sleepin';
  Fum sniffn' der coke unner da toilet seat hood

  We hunged up our stockings;
  An hoped like de' heck;
  That the old Easter Bunny;
  Wud leaves us ours goodies and brings us our check.

  All o'de fambily;
  Wuz layin in de beds;
  Da Brudder da sister, n' Papa da kids;
   N' visons o bunny porno danced in der heads.

  I passed out onna' flo;
  afta screwn' da Ma;
  When I heard sech a fuss;
  I thunk: "It mus be de law, o Papa's old condum it bust!!!"

  I looked out thru de bars;
  What covered my doe;
  'spectin' da sheriff,
  o Michael Kennedy ta join in da show;

  And what did ma drunken bllodshot eyes did I see;
  I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
  Ther' wuz a huge wheeled watermellon;
  Pulled by giant warf rats!!

  Now ober all de years;
  Da Easter Bunny, he be white;
  But looks liken us bros;
  But I gets dis ugly black fatman dis nite.

  Faster dan a Po'lees car;
  My home boy he came;
  He whupped on dem warf rats;
  An' called dem by name!

  On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;on Bonzo,
  And on Willie Lee;
  On Saphire, on Chenequa;
  Yu'all mount up on yer brudders and screw'em one,two,three!!

  As he landed dat watta' mellon;
  Out der in da skreet;
  I knowed it was fo' sho';
  Da damndest site I ebber did see.

  He didn't go down no chimbley;
  He picked da' lock on my doe;
  An' I sez to myself;
  "Sh*ttes!! He done dis befoe!!!"

  He had dis big bag;
  Full of prezents I 'xpect;
  Wid Air Jordans,fake gold, coke n Easter Eggs too;
  To wear roun' my neck, or fill my fat belly

  But he left no good prezents;
  Jus started stealing my Eatsre sh*tte;
  Got my drugs, got my guns,and my fav dildo set,
  Got my plastic blow-up doll and fake rubber tits,
  The wrinkled fat gent even stole my burglar's kit!!

  Wit my stuff in de bag;
  Out da window he flewed;
  I woudda' tried to catched him;
  But he stoled my 'nife too!!

  He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
  An' whipped out a switch;
  He wuz gone in a seccon';
  Dat son of a bitch!!

  He screamed as he sat in his big watermellon,
  I'm da big fat Lord Kwanzaa,
  an Easter I visits too,
  all o dos lads dat worships my days,

  And I collect stuff as taxes,
  I makes all my followers pay,
  I replaces da 'Claus, and da Eatser Bunny too,
  an next year prep yur sisters, 'cause I likes ta screw,

  As fur me as I saw the fat steallin' gent powder,
  I says right out loud dat  next year I be hopin':
  Dat old fat wrinkled Kwanzaa;
  foreign countries be visitn'
  'Cause if he be comin' I gonna be sh*ttin.

-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordKwanzaaEaster2

The night before Easter,
on Thorsday I theenk,
in my village of Tijuana
I toll da Priest I call  on de Lord Kwanzaa
to help me get rich I tink,
So I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.
I dreenk saam tequila,
I dreenk eet too fast,
Preety damn queek,
I fall on my ass.
I pees myself up and go home to my bed,
I pool the cobija up ober my head.
Early next morning,
or late een the night,
I heer such damn recket,
I theenk eet's a fight.

I geet outta bed,
I don feel very well,
My head ees too beeg,
eet hort me like hell.
I go to the weendow,
I don believe what I see,
A fat pig pot-bellied black greengo,
as fats as can be.

I looook at heez ropa,
ees all colored red,
He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled.
I yella and I holler,
"Hey, move your fat ass,
Your chivos--they chit on my grass!"

He torn to heez chit covered goats,
he say just one word,
And them damn smelly chivos chomp
in the air like a bord.
They corcle around,
and then queek as a mouse,
He land a big damn wheeled Watermelon right on top
of my house.

They chaking their horns
and stomping hees hoof,
I theenk they damn chore
play hell with my roof.
I heer theze ole man
chout loud and clear,
"What the hell, Rodriquez,
ain't no cheemney up here...
I am your Easter friend
Lord Kwanzaa, but in your ouse ere I sees
no ways for me to pays my respects,

No door, no weendow,
nothing but air,
How I gon geev you
theze goverment welfare cheks?"
Then right away theze
I Rodriquez see---
I gon get myself
something for free.

So I says to the black greengo,
"Please come een senior,
Do come on down and use the front door.
" So, he come een the house,
and upon heez broad back,
He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack.

He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor,
But he start putting all o'my comida galore.
He steal my tortillas, tamales and ham,
He steal alla my cheekin and haff of a lamb.

He take my cervesa and a bottle of wine,
I cannot believe that he take all theze that eez all mine!
I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you unlocky by heck,
Cuz he evens steals my last munths unemployment sheck."

So he chakes out my boles and dreenk some of my wine,
And cosses hees chivos to get them een line.
He cosses and hollers he knows every one,
"Chingow, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon."
That ole man he know how to puut on a chow,
Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go.
At last he get them to chom een the sky,
And the last time I see heem,
he preety damn high.

He going away and the last theeng I heeer,
"I AM DA BIG EASTER LORD KWANZAA AND
 I BE BACKS NEXT YEAR!"

-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordKwanzaaHalloween

      Kwanzaa's Halloween

'Twas the night befo'Halloween, and all through the house
even the ghosties and goblins were busy getting soused,
The goodies were piled by the doorway with care,
waiting for the witches and goblins who soon would be there

With me and my sister sitting in the Hall
We sat waiting round for the trick or treaters to call
Then what to my wondering eyes did appear
But An ugly fat black man - a gold ring in his ear

With a great garbage can sleigh,filled with stink to the brim,
Pulled by 8 pissing trolls, who were tall and quite thin,
He said, Hey I'm Kwanzaa Mfume, and you'll soon wish you wa dead
I'm here to steal all yo stuff an yo whitey assed sister to' bed!

For Farrakhan rules, and 'ole Bill is our man,
So get her out of her brassiere, while I drops my pants
Then he spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And when done told my sister, Bill Clinton does worse!

Then he ransacked my house, even took my last beer,
And when he'd sacked all the kids he then kicked their small rears,
And piled all their treats into his sleigh,
And then told my sister she'd been a bad lay,

Then sticking that finger, inside of his nose,
Up the chimney, fat Kwanzaa rose,
And he was heard to exclaim as he rode out of sight,
You gonna regret calling to Kwanzaa, by day and by night,

I  always takes speedy leave, to avoid any fight!
Just watch now as me and my trolls take to flight!
Happy Kwanzaa to all!!! It's Lord Kwanzaa's Halloween night!!!

-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordKwanzaaInDaHood


'Twas the Night Befo' Kwanzaa

'Twas the night befo' Kwanzaa, and down in the 'hood
All the homeys was hopin' the crack would be good
The workshoes were hung where they'd never be used
Since the welfare system is so much abused

With Kwesei, Mfume and Schmoke at the Hall
Waiting round for Hillary 'n Clinton to call
I in my workclothes I sat with a huge beer case
After ten hours of sweat, it was time to get faced

After the tenth, I was totally waxed
And wondered aloud, when will piss become taxed
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I slipped as I zipped with a half empty bladder

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear
A fat old black man - a gold ring in his ear
He said, "I'm Father Kwanzaa, and Santa is dead"
"So git yo' white ass on back into yo' bed!"

"For Farrakhan rules, and Bill is our man,"
"So out of yo' pockets, and into our hands!"
"Your money in taxes, empowerment grants,"
"You're lucky I don't take those baggy-assed pants!"

Then he ransacked my house, even took my last beer,
And said with a voice full of holiday cheer,
"When I sticks my finger, inside of my nose,"
"All of yer wives drops der panty hose,"

"So keep workin' those days, keep workin' those nights,"
"While I takes all your girlfriends, outta der tights."
And sticking his finger, beside of his nose,
Up the chimney, the fat Kwanzaa rose,

And he was heard to exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"I takes speedy leave, to avoid any fight!"
"Just watch as my reindeer and me take to flight!"
"Happy Kwanzaa to all!!! Don't it suck to work nights!!!

-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann, origin unknown


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordKwanzaaLewd

 The Night 'Bfo Christmas & Den Came da Hood

Twas the night before Christmas, down in da 'hood and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse.
All the gift laden stockings were hung on the sofa and chairs
And we all knew that Santa Claus had been there

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
A miniature sleigh and eight tiny goats,
A little black driver so lively and thick,
thought in a moment, who was that old prick?

And more rapid than sewer rats his underaged goats they all came
As he shouted, "On Trasher" and called each goat's name.
"On Blunder, Mount Sh*ttzen, on Vomet,
Mount Stupid, On Pisser, Mount Sexer.

And so up on the housetops the goats they soon screwed
And sh*t on the housetops, in a scene all too lewd,
These team of kid goats wasn't trained to use the loo,
With the sleigh empty of toys, and old Kwanzaa Mfume, too.

Down the chimney he crashed in a heap on the ground;
He was dressed all in burlap, and his belly was round.
He was chubby and plump a right jolly Bad Elf,
And I laughed when I saw to just spite myself,
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
I knew in a moment, there was lots to dred,
He spoke not a word but went straight to this work,

And stole the gifts from the stockings, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger inside of his ass,
And then giving some gas up the chimney he flashed.
He sprang to his seligh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down from a thistle,

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"African Lord Kwanzaa Mfume has been,
collecting foreign aid from all who's he's seen,
Happy Kwanzaa to all! It's been quite a night!
But don't ya'll Kwanzites wish you was White!"

-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordKwanzaaThanksgiving

               Twas the Night of Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned-- the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to the windows to see what was the matter

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a stink garbage can sleigh pulled by 8 pissing ghouls,

I saw a fat ugly black man, gold ring in his ear,
Yelling and screaming,"Gimme all your food and your beer!"

It raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

It gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

It started swelling up so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, it farted and rose off the ground.

It crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie

But, It managed to yell as I soared past the trees.......
I'm the Thanksgiving Lord Kwanzaa---pass the cranberries, please!

-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LordOfTheRings

From: Chuck, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01 (sonn@ubiteme.com)
Subject: A Most Disturbing Encounter 
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
Date: 2002-12-25 17:06:39 PST 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a peripheral stirred, not even my mouse;
The plastic was taped o'er the windows with care,
In hopes the 3M would keep out the cold air.

The children were nestled all snug on the couch,
While snuggled with Pooh and Oscar the Grouch;
And mamma in her slippers, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a din,
I thought it was Darkstar trying to break in.
I ran to the door and I tossed it aside,
My axe in my hand; he had no place to hide.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

I glanced at his face and it set me on edge,
A voice in my mind said "I know that visage.
"The beard long and white, and his ancient expression
"I knew who this is, oh yes, without question."

"For he walked with the elves who now work in his shop,
"And he can travel the world without needing to stop.
"To visit all of the children on Earth in one night,"
I knew in a moment this was Gandalf the White.

But then I saw shining atop his black glove,
A thing that was feared both below and above.
When his eyes met mine I noticed his glower,
For it was clear to me he'd fell to the One Ring of Power.

He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake.

I backed slowly away, consumed by my fear,
But then I noticed, on his cheek was a tear.
"Do not be afraid," he said most sincerly
"Please take but a moment to listen to me.

"I've taken the ring, yes, to keep this thing safe,
"Though it's a role I confess in which I now chafe.
"I have used the power in acts both great and generous
"But I can't give the ring, for to me it is precious."

And so I was left there with nothing to say
As the saddened old man now returned to the sleigh.
And I watched him take off, and what it portends,
Is we're all in deep shit, my denizen friends.

And so it does seem that doom will come to us all,
The evil that marches will be our downfall.
But for now while we're waiting for Gandalf the White,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

--
Chuck
"Try to explain to people that writing is something you do because it's
impossible not to, and you get blank stares."
- Peter David


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LoreenaMcKennitt

Subject:      LM Christmas thingy
From:         darth1@aol.com (Darth1)
Date:         1997/12/19
Message-ID:   <19971219231701.SAA20889@ladder02.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.music.lor-mckennitt

The Dream Before Christmas

("The Visit" From Loreena McKennitt)
by Thomas E. Smith

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all 'round the world,
Every OWLer was lurking, not typing a word.
Their stereos were playing the most beauteous of airs,
For Loreena's CDs were already theirs.

Fans of MTV nestled all snug in their beds,
While videos of "Mummers' Dance" danced in their heads.
My wife in her nightgown all lacy and sheer
Had just settled down to "the mask and the mirror,"

When out on the driveway arose such a roar,
That I sprang from the sofa and peeked out the door.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen "Snow"
Hinted subtly at Lampman's poem writ long ago,

When, what to my nearsighted eyes should appear
But an idling Porsche, and a tall glass of beer!
No--a sweet little driver, so lively and gay,
I knew in a moment it was Ms. McK.

More quickly than Hurons her bandmates they came,
And she warbled, and yodeled, and called them by name:
"Now, Brian! Now, Richard! Now, Nigel! Now, Hughie!
On, Donal! On, Annie! On, Albert and Georgie!

From the Great Plains of Morden to the Chinese Great Wall,
Now blow away, strum away, sing away all!"
So up to the rooftop her bandmates they flew,
With the car packed with instruments, Loreena too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a nice thing:
The plucking and tuning of each little string.
As I headed back in--reaching for a strong drink--
Through the ceiling Loreena crashed into the sink.

She was _not_ dressed in fur, so her fall must have hurt,
But she brushed from her clothes all the dust and the dirt.
A box of CDs soon plopped into the space,
And she looked like a busker while opening her case.

Her eyes--how they sparkled! Her dimples how merry!
She seemed to have come from the far realm of Faerie!
She plucked up her harp and began playing "Snow,"
Then "Coventry Carol" and "Balulalow,"

"The Banquet Hall," "Greensleeves," "The Carol of Stockford,"
"The Seasons," "The King," and "The Carol of Wexford."
She wore a black dress and a little gold chain
That flashed, when she danced to a joyful refrain.

She was lissome and lithe, a right cheerful musician,
And I felt myself float from my seated position.
A wink of her eye, and a toss of her hair,
Soon gave me to know I'd be left floating there.

"But Loreena!" I cried. "Never mind!" replied she,
As she placed BoS under my Christmas tree.
And laying her finger aside of her nose,
And giving a twist, through the ceiling she rose;

She sprang to her Porsche, to her band gave a yell,
And away they all drove like a bat out of hell.
Then my wife came and clouted me upside the head:
"Merry Christmas, you dreamer, now get outta bed!"

--
"Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths that we cling to depend
greatly on our own point of view." - Ben Kenobi 
http://members.aol.com/SonOfDni/dni.html

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: LOTES

   Author:   David
   Email: d.s.kirk@ix.netcom.com
   Date: 1998/12/24
   Forums: alt.fifty-plus.friends
   
This being Christmas Eve -- and I've ignored our LOTES labor union so
far, that I decided a tribute to the working girls was in order....

 Twas the LOTES night before...

Twas the night before Christmas
And the LOTES were in the street
Each gaudilly dressed,
they took to their beat.

They had walked these streets
now for a full year
Yet had not earned that first quarter,
and Christmas was near.

Since that first quarter,
they had yet to behold
they began waving at cars
and trying to act bold.

The cars driving by
saw a blur of spandex
all pink, orange and purple
yes, this caused some car wrecks.

And just as the LOTES
thought to call it a night
Rignt in front of them
a sleigh did alight.

It had a scruffy old man
in a dirty red suit
and piled in his sleigh
was a whole lot of loot.

He had a big runny red nose,
flecks of reindeer dung in his beard
his clothes were a mess
He really looked weird.

The girls were aghast
at this silly old coot
For his body smelled,
They wanted to give him the boot.

For this dirty old man
the 25 cent fee wouldn't do
if he wanted attention
it'd cost a dollar, maybe two.

Yet he said to the girls,
"I hope service is free
for i've driven all night
and Christmas is soon to be.

"I cover the world,
giving lots of gifts
and some free "attention"
would give me a lift."

Now our LOTES are not stupid
They know a rip-off
So they said to the old guy,
"Why don't you lift off."

As the sleigh took off,
and flew over the hill,
Santa shouted back to the LOTES,
"Please don't be upset, I was just acting like Bill."

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ALL!!!!   
david (hurriedly running back into the cellar....)
David        d.s.kirk@ix.netcom.com

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: MailOrder

From: BA (spectratmindspringdotcom)
Subject: Mail-order Xmas 
Newsgroups: alt.appalachian
Date: 1999/12/22 
 
'Twas the week before Xmas, the sunlight was pale.
The presents I ordered are not in the mail.
The charges were paid a full month in advance,
or early enough to leave little to chance.

When what to my wandering mind should transpire,
but the prospect of tag via telephone wire
with an answering service that doesn't know squat,
and an outstanding check, and a balance of WHAT??

It's too late to hassle, and nothing else works.
I can't send a present, for dealing with jerks.
But IF the mail-order will get the stuff here,
I'll try to have something in time for next year.


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Manson

from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html

                     Twas The Night of Marilyn Manson 
                        By Chico Lusby aka Grim Jack

        'Twas the night of Marilyn Manson, and all through the crowd
             The kiddies were stirring, and screaming out loud;
           Their banner was hung behind Sara's drumset with care,
              In hopes that The Reverend soon would be there;

               The children were nestled all snug in the pit;
           With visions of water bottles and showerings of spit;
                Me clutching my lunchbox and in my dope hat,
                  Hair dyed dark green and eyeliner black,

             When out on the stage there arose such a clatter,
                I ran to the pit to see what was the matter.
            The stage was all dark and the lights were all low,
        The Family Trip started playing in the background real low,

               When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
             But the Rev. in his g-string grinning ear to ear,
               More rabid than monkeys the Spooky Kids came,
           And he screamed, and shouted, and called them by name;

               "Now, SARA! now, POGO! now, TWIGGY and DAISY!
           One by one they appeared and launched Cake and Sodomy,
             They played Dogma, Dope Hat, My Monkey, Lunchbox,
       Wrapped in Plastic, Get Your Gunn, Misery Machine and Cyclops

         Then in the middle of all the ruckus and all of the noise
      The Rev stood up and shouted "I wanna fuck all you little boys!"
              Then into Organ Grinder they came with a bound,
             The REV. ran across stage, tripped and fell down,

     He didn't know if it was Twig's cord or Sara's drums that made him fall,
         So he started thrashing and bashing and trashing them all,
              He kicked Sara's drums and threw Twiggy's bass,
       Smashed Pogo's keys and threw a water bottle at Daisy's face,

   You could tell he was pissed by the glare in his eye, the twist of his head,
            He gave me the feeling, someone soon would be dead,
         I heard him exclaim, as he walked off stage to the right,
               "I'm Marilyn Manson, All American AntiChrist."

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: MarchingBand

Subject:      Twas the Night Before Nationals
From:         quast.2@osu.edu (Erik Wynstra)
Date:         1997/11/12
Message-ID:   <3469fe79.265549@nntp.service.ohio-state.edu>
Newsgroups:   rec.arts.marching.band.high-school

  Here it is for the third year in a row.
  Original post 11/10/95

Twas the night before Nationals
And all through the Dome,
Not a band geek was stirring
'Cause they  were all home.

Their instruments were polished
And tuned with precision,
In hopes of making it
To the Finals decision.

The field crew was up
And loading the trucks,
While band boosters gathered
To offer good lucks.

The kids climbed aboard
And fell fast asleep
As their shows they ran through
In their dreams so deep.

I started up the bus
And with my tummy full of gin,
We headed without delay
To Indianapoils, IN

All of a sudden I heard
A "Ho, Ho!" from the sky
And was startled and amazed
As something flew by.

It was Scott McCormick
Atop a tuba he flew
And was pulled from the front
By the BOA Judging Crew!

He laughed and he chuckled
And he chortled with glee
and pulling him from the front
Was none other than Debbie Lafferty!

He winked in my direction
And placing a finger aside his nose,
His caravan shot forward
And to the clouds he rose!

He called out to us,
As he flew up, up, and away,
Good luck to all at Nationals!
And to all a good day!

Erik Wynstra
Westerville, Ohio
 

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Maxine

Herewith, the "MAXINE" (of Hallmark fame)  version of the NIGHT BEFORE
CHRISTMAS.    If I sent it to you last year...sorry about that, and if I did
not, I hope you get a chuckle or two from it!  --  Judith

 'Twas the night before Christmas
 And all through the house...
 Not a creature was stirring
 since the cat ate the mouse.

 My support hose were hung
 By the chimney with care.
 (I hung them last Christmas
 And just left them there.)

 My dog, Floyd, was nestled
 All snug in his bed,
 After watching the cat rip
 The presents to shreds.

 And I in my long johns
 And ratty night cap
 Had just settled my butt
 For a long winter's nap.

 When out on the lawn
 There arose such a clatter,
 I swore at the window,
 "What the (blank) is the matter?"

 I tore open the window,
 Not a second to tarry,
 All ready to throw
 The noisemaker a berry.

 A bright moon was lighting
 The new-fallen snow...
 And I had a moon of my own
 Set to show.

 Floyd was beside me,
 Paw pointing the way
 Toward eight tiny reindeer
 Hitched up to a sleigh...

 And a little old driver
 So cheery and quick,
 I thought for a moment
 That I would be sick.

 Like a bat out of...you know,
 His reindeer they came,
 And I whistled and shouted
 And called them some names--

 "Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
 Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
 Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
 And Venison  Jerky!

 Stay off  of my porch!
 Get away from my wall!
 Now hit the road, hit the road,
 Hit the road, all!

 But as pedestrians before
 My old Buick , they fly
 And head for high ground
 With great fear in their eyes,

 So up to my rooftop
 The fleabags they flew,
 With a sleigh full of toys
 And old Fruitcake - Breath too.

 And then, in a twinkling,
 I heard on the roof
 Holes in my new shingles
 Made by each tiny hoof.

 As I reached for my slingshot
 And a marble as well,
 Down the chimney St. Nicholas
 Tumbled and fell.

 He had a huge sack of
 Cheap junk on his back
 And I whispered to Floyd,
    "Be prepared to attack."

 His eyes they were squinting,
 His toy bag was draggin',
 And I felt for a moment
 Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

 He was dressed all in red.
 With a bell on his hat.
 And a belt of black leather
 To hold back the fat.

 A billowing pipe
 He clenched tight in his smile,
 And the smell was like something
 Had been dead for awhile.

 He had a broad face
 And a little round belly
 That shook when I nailed him
 With a handful of jelly.

 He was chubby and plump,
 Well, actually porky,
 And I laughed when I tripped him
 (He looked pretty dorky).

 He was like a beached whale
 Unable to budge.
 And he tasted good , too,
 If the dog was a judge.

 I spoke not a word
 But went straight to my work--
 A noogie, a wedgie,
 A cry of "You jerk!"

 Until laying a finger
 Aside of his nose,
 With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
 Up the chimney he rose.

 He sprang to the sleigh
 And dragged in the toys,
 Then he cried to the reindeer,
 "Get me out of here, Boys!"

 And I had to exclaim
 As a slushball I tossed,
 "Happy Christmas to all,
 And to all a Get Lost!"

 But then, as I turned,
 I saw 'neath the tree
 Two gaily wrapped presents--
 One for Floyd, one for me.

 A big bag of jerky
 Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
 While for me was a pair
 Of brand-new bunny slippers.

 I looked out the window,
 And hovering there,
 Old Santa was winking
 From his sleigh in midair...

 "Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
 He cried, full of cheer,
 "Same to you, Pal!" I answered,
 ("I'll get you next year!")

         THE END


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Media

Date: Sat, 5 Jan 2002 12:30:34 -0500
From: Harry Peltz 
Subject: Another 'Twas The Night Before Christmas

from http://web1.carmel.net/ubb/medialine/NonCGI/Forum1/HTML/006287.html

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the station
Not a person was happy, there was no elation.
The paychecks were sparse 'cause the owners are cheap,
Everything's broken, we can't afford sleep.
The anchors were writing with feverish fury,
Production is busy, the outlook is blurry.
The network shows are crappy, ours aren't much better,
All Vanna can do is turn over each letter.

When over in master there arose such a clatter,
Engineering ran up to see what was the matter.
"We're sitting in black, Odetics freaked out!"
Even the newsroom could hear them shout.

"F*** this and F*** that, you cheap piece of crap!
I'm going to reboot you and give you a nap!"
The switcher is blinking, it won't do a thing,
My ass hurts so bad, it's starting to sing.

It smells like raw sewage when you walk in the door,
That producer keeps talking, my god, she's a bore!
It's now at 5:30 and the show isn't done, 
The director just muttered "This ought to be fun."

Scripts are printing late, and of course there's no toner,
And Production just hung up on our live NASA phoner.
The prompter won't move, the anchors are freaking,
My chair is wet 'cause the ceiling is leaking.

Audio levels are low, operators are high,
And we just heard the scanner report a drive-by.
"Fire up the live truck and head to the scene,
And oh, by the way, it needs gasoline."

Back at the studio where it's almost airtime,
The A/C's not working, the temps start to climb.
The director is pacing, the talent want sound,
The show's moments away, scripts can't be found.

We're in the cold open, and things seem just fine,
But we all know its just a matter of time.
In the second block a mic starts to crackle,
A tape deck is jammed 'cause the op. spilled his Snapple.

Robotic cameras stop moving, a cable got smashed,
Director rolls a break and makes a mad dash.
To the studio he runs, yelling "God da*n this day,
I hate these damn cameras, I swear they are gay."

The weather guy talks about his Santa forecast,
This has been done too much in the past.
The producer is bitching "His time has expired!"
But he had his coffee, and man was he wired!

The show starts to wrap, the anchors keep talking,
And at the back door the janitor's knocking.
Thank god the show's over, it was going to hell,
You know that its bad when the intern can tell.

I put scripts away and go out for a smoke,
I can't help but think "This profession's a joke!"
The pay is so skimpy and the hours suck dick,
But at least we hired a new hot young chick.

My stomach is growling, the cupboards are bare,
It takes my whole paycheck just to cut my hair.
Even my cat's skinny, I can't afford to feed her,
because my ass works for the TV news leader!


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: MedicalMercyFirst

from http://www.infojunkie.info/tinyr/limericks2.html#anchor1245271
(originally from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html)

The Night Before Christmas on Mercy First Main

Twas the night before Christmas
On Mercy First Main.
It was peaceful and quiet,
Something hard to explain.

The night nurse had just checked
Each patient with care
And found them all sleeping
And comfortable there.

The Ivacs were quiet
As they flashed in the night.
The call bells were silent.
Everything seemed all right.

The twelve o'clock meds
Had been given and charted.
A doctor peeked in
And then quickly departed.

When out in the hall
There arose such a clatter
The nurse went at once
To see what was the matter.

As she strode down the hall
To locate the noise,
She met a fat man
With a sack full of toys.

He had a bushy white beard,
(no doubt loaded with staph)
And was covered with soot
And in need of a bath.

He wore a grimy red suit
And his boots were a mess!
How he'd slipped through Security
Was anyone's guess.

He not only looked odd
But appeared to be daft
As he smiled a big smile
And laughed a big laugh.

His jolly "Ho, Ho, Ho's"
Echoed down the long hall
As they bounded and rebounded
Off of each wall.

The night nurse was furious
And glared as she hissed,
"You can't come in here
And disturb things like this!"

He lowered his sack 
To the floor with a grunt,
Then chuckled and winked, 
Quite pleased with his stunt.

He pulled out his pipe
And lit up with a puff.
But the night nurse was outraged!
She'd had quite enough!

"Can't you read?" she cried out.
"You ignorant clown!
There's oxygen going,
You'll burn the place down!"

He muttered some nonsense
About a sled and some deer,
But the nurse cut him short with
"You're NOT allowed here!!!"

The nurse knew just how
To handle this fellow;
She picked up the phone
And called a Code Yellow.

The EMTs came quickly
And put the guy in restraints
As they listened to the nurse
List her many complaints.

While the nurse dialed the number
Of the psychiatrist on-call,
The strange midnight visitor
Was firmly steered down the hall.

But she heard him exclaim
As he vanished from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all
Of you fine people in white!"

Written in 1980 by Betty Ann Cassano, RN, BSN 
Shasta Lake, California, USA
E-mail: bettyann@reddingarea.com
or bettyann@cassano.com


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: MedicalOB

from http://www.childbirth.org/articles/twas.html

   Twas the Night Before Christmas
   

Twas The Night Before Christmas and Up On OB
A Nurse Yelled "Thick Mec, I Need A Delee"

Iv's With Pitocin
Were All Hung With Care
In Hopes They'll Deliver
And Stop Pulling Their Hair

The Women Were Screaming
In Their Birthing Beds
While Visions Of Epidurals
Danced In Their Heads

The Staffing Is Short
With No One On Call
Every Warmer Is Dirty
And Sits In The Hall

Just When I Thought
There's An End To This Hell
The Patient In Triage
Has A Major Decel

So We Rush With A Gurney
And Race To The Back
The O.R. Is Dirty
Not One Section Pack

I Dropped To My Knees
And I Started To Cry
When I Heard The Bells Jingle
And Looked Toward The Sky

There Was St. Nick
On His Sleigh In The Rear
He Had Six Smiling Nurses
The Night Shift Is Here!!!!!!!!!!!!

       Copyright  1996 - 1998 by Childbirth.org All rights reserved.


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: MedicalOstomy1

From:         "Stuart Schaefer" 
Date:         1997/12/24
Message-ID:   <67rp8i$88b@cobia.gulf.net>
Newsgroups:   alt.support.ostomy

A VISIT FROM ST. OSTOMY
BY MARJORORIA KAUFMAN VIA--TOWN KARAYA

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flat,
There was a general confusion, including the cat.
The bathroom was strewn with the ostomy ware,
That I had abandoned, in utter despair.
The courage I'd had in the hospital bed,
To follow instructions, had suddenly fled.
It all looked so strange, and uncommonly new;
I swore I would never know quite what to do.
Now which goes to which, and what sticks to what?
I fumbled each step, with my nerves overwrought.

And then in my anguish, I went to my room,
To settle my brains for a night full of gloom.
With a household a-flutter in holiday matter,
I shut out the sounds of excitement and chatter.
When out in the hallway I heard from below
The sound of a voice with a jolly "hello"!

As I peaked through the door, up the stairway she came;
And she smiled when she saw me, and called me by name.
And I in my wonder, just couldn't believe,
That ostomy visits were made Christmas Eve.
And then in a twinkling she put me at ease,
And said she could lesson my anxieties.
She was dressed all in white, in a form-fitting sheath,
With nary a sign of lay underneath.
So trim and well-groomed, a delight to behold,
No one would suspect, unless they'd been told.

That standing before me so calm and serene,
Was the very first ostomate I'd ever seen.
Her manner so friendly, with faith and good cheer.
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to fear.
My questions, like leaves in a hurricane flew;
And with each knowing answer, my confidence grew.

Then under her guidance each part fell in place,
As I conquered the problem I'd just failed to face.
And all of a sudden I knew I was free,
To live just as normal and happy as she.
For only an ostomate is really akin,
To the fears and frustrations that lie deep within.

Her time and her friendship so willing to give,
Will keep me remembering as long as I live.
And my family was grateful for what she had done.
for once more the evening was festive and fun.
Now each time I meet her, more clearly I see
The "saint" who came calling with blessings for me!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

STU - GULF BREEZE, FL

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: MedicalOstomy2

From: HeyHeyPAULA (heyheypaula@aol.comnojunk)
Subject: WHAT a Night Before Christmas! (cute Poem for Ostomates) 
Newsgroups: alt.support.ostomy
Date: 2002-12-14 12:34:59 PST 
 
This was written back in 1984, when we still had a great process for changing
our appliance.  Not the basic and simple process of today.  But still is a fun read :-)


What a Night before Christmas 

'Twas the night before Christmas, 
And all through the house, 
Not a creature was stirring, 
Not even my spouse. 

The Children were all nestled 
In childish alliance; 
And I decided 
To change my appliance. 

So donning my P.J.'s, 
My slippers and robe, 
I started my chore 
With the patience of Job 

All of my equipment 
I laid out with care; 
Then checked it all over 
To see what was there. 

Here's Solvent, Adhesive, 
Now Kleenex and Cotton. 
There's Benzoin, Karaya, 
What have I forgotten? 

Eye dropper and swab stick, 
Skin ointment, detergent; 
Then brushes and cleanser, 
The bag - that's most urgent. 

Then off with the old one, 
I start forthright 
To remove the cement 
When out went the light. 

I reached for the switch, 
'Tho I don't know what for, 
When I heard something clatter 
And bounce to the door. 

I muttered and oath, 
then I called to my spouse, 
Who told me 'twas darkened 
All over the house. 

Then what to my wondering 
Eyes should appear, 
But a flickering candlelight 
Coming to near. 

"Ye Gads" I screamed loudly 
Perhaps none to soon, 
"Not that! You might blow us 
From here to the Moon!" 

When I viewed my dilemma 
In utter confusion 
And I failed to come up 
With a happy conclusion. 

When all of a sudden, 
There came on the wall, 
The beams of a flashlight 
That danced down the hall. 

It's rays were not brilliant, 
It's batteries weary, 
But the light that it gave me 
Was welcome and cheery. 

I aimed at the floor, 
And the light gently twinkled: 
For there in profusion, 
Karaya had sprinkled. 

Now time was the essence, 
On speed I was bent; 
The cotton kept sticking 
Upon the cement. 

My faceplate was drying, 
My fingers were gummy, 
The stoma was oozing 
A trail down my tummy. 

Then swabbing, cementing, 
And fanning with vigor; 
I knew I had to be 
Quick on the trigger. 

The light was receding, 
My nerves were a jangle; 
I slapped on the bag 
At quite a rakish angle. 

I fastened my belt, 
Gave a shake of my head; 
Then closed the door tightly, 
And headed for bed. 

But there's one thing I'll wish 
You 'Fore saying Good Night 
May your Christmas be Merry 
AND LET THERE BE LIGHT!


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: MedicalTriageNurse

from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html

                  A Triage Nurse's Night Before Christmas
                                      
   Twas the night before Christmas, and wild were the phones.
   All the children were whining, and crying with moans.
   Our headsets were plugged in, our phones logged in right.
   We hoped that St Nicholas might call us this night.
   No children were nestled all snug in their beds,
   For coughing and sneezing caused pains in their heads.
                                      
   Then Moms got quite anxious, and Dads were more nervous,
   "We'll just call the nurses at that great On-Call Service!"
   The call center was noisy, the place filled with chatter.
   Our job here as nurses -- to see what was the matter.
   A babe with an earache, a child with a rash,
   A quick moving bike caused a spill and a crash.
                                      
   Back and forth to our chairs to handle the faxes.
   Both flu and the colds our resources taxed.
   The stories so sad, to our eyes bring a tear,
   Computer keys prancing as fast as reindeer.
   With the little ol' charge nurse, so lively and quick
   Yelling, "We've got lots more faxes, and everyone's sick!"
   
   More rapid than eagles the faxes they came,
   We whined and we shouted, and called them by name;
   "Not RASHES! No FEVER! Please no COLD, FLU and LICE!
   No more BUMPS, LUMPS and BRUISES! Just put them on ICE!"
   "I'm missing my break time, I'm just off the wall!
   I'm going insane, can't do just one more call!"
   
   As sudden as lightning that strikes from the sky,
   The faxes they stopped -- and we didn't know why.
   We checked every plug, connection and line,
   But lo and behold, it was all working fine.
   As we unplugged our headsets and all turned around
   Through the door old St. Nicholas came with a bound.
   
   He was dressed all in red, which we knew was his thing,
   And right past security -- the alarm didn't ring!
   A bundle of food he did pull from his sack
   Pizza and cookies and food from Thai Shack
   His eyes -- they were bloodshot! his smile quite merry!
   His cheeks were like roses, no doubt from some sherry!
   
   He smiled at us all, then stuck out his tongue.
   We smiled back sweetly as we ate egg foo yung.
   He sucked on his pipe, which we know wasn't smart,
   And prayed that the fire alarm just wouldn't start.
   The jolly old fellow sat down at my chair
   Gave the headset, computer and keyboard a stare.
   
   He picked up the phone and we missed who he dialed
   Though some of us guessed it was to "every child".
   He said "Ho ho, little ones... tell your folks that I'm near."
   Then he whispered some more, something we couldn't hear.
   Then laying the phone once more on the hook,
   He laughed at us all, and his belly it shook.
   
   He sprang out the door, and we heard a loud beep,
   As Santa drove off down the road in a Jeep.
   This made us all wonder if we had seen the "real thing".
   The silence was shattered with a single fax ring.
   Then we saw it all clearly, the sheet printed in sight.
   It read "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


************************************************************
************************************************************

Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA

Last Modified January 7, 2007