Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 20 of 50
January 7, 2007

Compiled by: Matthew Monroe

Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GameUltimaOnline1

   Author:   Magnus
   Email: cnabors@bellsouth.net
   Date: 1998/12/13
   Forums: rec.games.computer.ultima.online

   Twas The Night Before Christmas: Ultima Online Style

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a keyboard was clicking, not even a mouse;
The runes were all placed behind the walls with care,
In hopes that no one would think to look over there;

The kewl doodz were nestled all snug in their beds,
While in the land of Brittannia they macroed their reds;
I was checking my box for my new black plate,
I'd just logged in, although it was late.

When from in front of my house there came such a noise,
I used tracking and saw that it was Big Dick and his boyz.
To the front of the house I ran to the door,
Checked it three times and put flour bags on the floor.

You see, Dick and his boyz were well known to me,
They stole and they looted and used UOE.
They PKed and swore and insulted poor saps,
They duped and they cheated and used wAcKy CaPs,

Then I saw them, their walk was so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Big Dick.
Using fastwalk features they flew on the screen,
They saw me there waiting and converged on the scene;

"i think thsi guy needs his ass roked
we'll get thru the door even tho its locked
to the back of the house! UOE is now on call!
now watch carefuly there'll be no more wall"

I watched in horror as they walked to the back,
I began placing all my treasure chests in my pack,
In vain it was as I struggled alone,
I could only pick up and hold 300 stone.

And then, with a gasp, I saw the first sign
That what was soon to be theirs I now called mine.
As I stood there alone to face my fate,
Dick stepped through the wall and said, 'ur 2 late'.

He was dressed all in bone, from his foot to his head,
He laughed when he saw me, "hehe ur dead!";
His bone outfit was trimmed with true black,
I stood overloaded as he began snooping my pack.

His eyes -- They were beady. His hair was bright pink.
I stood there helpless, too frightened to think.
His buddies were dressed exactly the same,
They peeked into boxes and made fun of my name;

The guild title 'pimp' they proudly displayed,
'Please make them leave', I solemnly prayed;
They searched the whole house, they checked every box,
They cursed when they saw that all had locks.

Dick calmly said 'dont worry i stole his key',
'now breakinup boxes will be easy 4 me';
I smiled when I saw that the first on his list,
Was a box set to explode by my GM alchemist;

He said not a thing, but went straight to his chore,
He broke the trapped box and fell dead on the floor,
I laughed when I saw it and said, 'What a shame!',
Da Boyz were not happy and said, 'that wuz lame';

They sprang to his corpse, and all began looting,
I pulled out my crossbow and then started shooting
And I said as I killed them with my weapon of force,
"This crossbow's a blast! It's prepatch of course!"

-Magnus (Ocllo,Catskills)
Semi-roleplayin' Grandmaster Tank Mage who asks, "Am I a poet or what?"


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GameUltimaOnline2

   Author:   Digital God
   Email: digital_god@england.com
   Date: 1998/12/24
   Forums: alt.games.ultima-online
   
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the land . . .
PKs and thieves . . .
were smiling so grand . . .
OSI in their infinite wisdom,
had found a holiday plan . . .
matching tickets for gifts . . .
oh what a wonderful scam . . .
People gathered around the banks,
looking everywhere for a match . . .
to the half a ticket they held . . .
but alas there was a little catch . . .
One person has to hold them both,
for both to collect a present . . .
though more oft than not . . .
a scoundrel smiled and off he went . . .
So take a little Christmas warning,
if somebody you do not know well . . .
wants to hold your Christmas ticket . . .
tell them to go to Hell . . . .

Dedicated to ArTeC, Empire Of Twilight
Chesapeake Shard

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GameUltimaOnline3

   Author:   BtSDragon
   Email: btsdragon@aol.com
   Date: 1998/12/25
   Forums: rec.games.computer.ultima.dragons

   The Dragonic version of The Night Before Christmas
   
Twas the night before Chrismas, and all through the net.
Not a Dragon was stirring, not even Singing.
The stockings were hung, electronicly with care,
In the hopes that St. George's Dragon would soon be there.
The dragon were nesled on their beds,
While Ultima IX, played in their heads.

I had settled down down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

The moons, on the new fallen snow,
gave lustre to the objects below.
What to my wondering eyes should appear,
a sleigh and eight dragons, driven by St. George

More rapid then eagles his course was,
He shouted to them by name;
"Now, Twilight!Now, Mono! Now, Paulon! Now, Dracos!
Now, Ignatius! Now, Paladia! Now, Whisper! Now, Samurai!
To the the top of the roof, to the top of the wall!
Now, dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
" Happy Chrismas to all, and to all a good night!"

Ciao for now!
Buran the Silver Dragon

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GameZelda

Author:   Brian Bodnarchuk
Email: bodnar@home.com
Date: 1998/11/23
Forums: rec.games.video.nintendo

'Twas the night before Zelda, and all through the house,
Not a system was stirring, just my keyboard and mouse.
The Nintendo was plugged in with loving and care,
For hopes that a gold cartridge would soon be in there.
The children were pulling out hairs in their heads,
For worrying that UPS shippers were slipping instead.

And Ma with her joystick, and I with mine,
Were preparing to play Zelda 1 for the very last time.
When out from the phone arose such a clatter,
I dashed to pick up and see what was the matter.
I ran to the phone and said hello in a flash,
"If this isn't EB I will kick you in the ASH!"

"Hello!" the voice said, as if you didn't guess,
"This is EB, and we've got quite a mess."
"Nintendo had said the date was today,
but we forgot about shipping, so we must delay."
"Be sure to check in Tuesday at the crack of morn,
So tide yourself over with beer and porn."

No No No No, this cannot be,
Why must EB always lie to me?
Why must I wait all night long,
To hear brave Link play the Ocinara song?

So listen to these words, and listen well,
Always be prepared for a day-late pre-sell.
To all west-coasters, play Zelda with all your might,
And to the rest of us, may we have no sleep tonight!


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Gardening

Subject:      Twas the Night Before..........
From:         "Pete Moss" 
Date:         1997/12/05
Message-ID:   <01bd01a3$989a7bc0$2282d2cc@peterson.stny.lrun.com>
Newsgroups:   rec.gardens.roses

Twas the night before Show time, When all through the tool shed,
Not a creature was stirring, Not even an aphid.
The pruners were hung in a row with great care,
In hopes that Rose Show Day soon would be there.

The Minis were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of blue ribbons danced in our heads.
And Mamma with her schedule, and I with my check list,
Had just settled down to see if any had been missed.

When out in the garden, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the table to see what was the matter.
Away to the doorway I flew like a fool,
Tore open the curtain, nearly fell in the pool.

The moon on the breast of the new mown grass,
Gave no hint of what had come or what had passed.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an old rusting van and that was quite clear.

With a little old driver so quick and gregarian,
I knew in a moment it was "Super Rosarian".
More rapid than Black Spot his appearance was made,
And he whistled and shouted and called out some names.

'Grow Pristine, grow Sonia, grow Austrian Copper!'
'Grow Iceberg, grow Sunsprite, you all are show stoppers!'
'To the top of your class, to the top of the hall,'
'Blue Ribbons, blue ribbons, blue ribbons for all!'

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they're meant for a mulch, out the bed they will lie,
So up the driveway that old man flew,
With a van full of tricks and "Super Rosarian" too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard in the garden,
A crashing, a mashing and 'Oops, beg your pardon!'
As I withdrew my head and was turning around,
Down the walk "Super Rosarian" came with a bound.

He was dressed all in green from his boots to his shirt,
And his clothes were all tarnished with bonemeal and dirt.
A bundle of show tags he held clenched in his fist,
And I hoped he would find a rose I had missed.

His hands, how they pampered! He coaxed tight buds open!
He polished each leaf 'til they all were a-glowin'!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the rose at his breast was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pencil he held tight in his teeth,
And he checked and he labeled each entry, so neat.
He had a broad face and a round little belly,
That shook when he laughed like a bowl of rose jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly rosarian,
And I laughed when I saw him instead of just staren!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a work, but went straight to his work,
And filled out the tags; then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger aside of a rose, and giving a nod,
Smiled; striking a pose.

Then he sprang to his van, though his engine did whistle,
And away he flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight...
"Happy Show Time To All......May Your Trophies Shine Bright!"


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Gay1

Subject:      COMPUTER WET DREAMS
From:         "Wayne Roesel" 
Date:         1997/12/06
Message-ID:   <66d4ab$2dp$1@nw001.infi.net>
Newsgroups:   alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.gaymen

Twas the night before Christmas and all alone I sat,
 so I turned on the computer for some on-line chat!
Into a room I entered quite caustiously,
 when all of a sudden, someone I.M.'D me.
He described himself and sounded like a real cutie
 But I didn't want to sound trollish or all tricky.
So I asked the boy "do you have a lover?"
 And when he said no-------I invited him right over!!!
I washed my face and combed my hair
 threw open my closet-"god, what should I wear!"
And then came a knock---I opened the door.
 I asked him to step in so I could see him more.
Then with amazement and great surprise
 stood antonio sabato right before my eyes!
This can't be real!  I must be dreamin'!
 There I stood with my boner, lawd, iwas creamin'!!!!!
He smiled and reached out.  Boy, I was ready.
 His grip was firm and hands-very steady!
It took just a moment---it didn't last long.
 Then with a smile and a wink, antonio was gone.
But I really can't bitch, no need to complain.
 Now if I can only remember the man's screen name.hmmmmm?
        Anonymous
 

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Gay2

Twas the night before christmas and all through the house
 clothes were strown all around and all about.
A pair of shorts and some boxers I could see
 and something else which-dare I say?-resembled a tree.
No branches were found, it appeared quite smooth
 excluding some veins which appeared where it grooved.
Standing so tall, I admired it's girth
 it's weight in gold couldn't measure it's worth!
As I grew closer, I shook with desire!
 To mount this tree would surely ignite my fire!
I strained and I huffed as I sat on this tree.
 I felt as if something would rupture inside of me.
With each stroke brought discomfort, but as time wore on
 I found the pain I had felt was completely gone.
My nuts, they rose!  My teeth did chatter!
 I put a sock in my mouth so the bastards wouldn't shatter!
I grabbed my cock 'cause something went crazy!
 This tree I had sat on had become all sick and lazy.
I jumped off of it as quick as I could,
 but it was too late.it did no good.
It laid there all flaccid in a pool of wet mess
 so I stroked myself while it took a little rest.
And wouldn't you know it, just as I gave the final stroke
 that log started to rise and quickly awoke!
But I was too far gone-there was no turning back.
 My head thrashed about-I had an attack!
So I laid there next to the log, now a tree.
 I looked up at it,  and it down on me.
"Wow!!!", I said with detectable delight.
 "It's been a good day and one hell of a good night!"
       Anonymous
 

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Gay3

   'Twas the night before Christmas,
   When all through the land,

   Nothing was moving,          
   Except Kevin's hand on his gland.
          
   His nuts were a hanging, and he was stroking with care,
   His body was writhing, and his butt was all bare.

   His blow up sex slaves were bent over beds,
   while KY Jelly tubes danced through his head.
          
   He beat it and beat it and came really quick,
   "Go to sleep now," he said to his dick.

   It stood at attention, and would not lie down,
   Obviously, without doubt, the most rigid around.
   
   When out on the porch, there arose such a clatter,
   Kev got off his knees, to see what was the matter.

   He threw on his boxers and wiped off his hand,
   He looked out the window, and so did his gland.
   
   With the moon in the sky, and a bitter cold chill,
   His penis peeked out, and laid on the sill.

   When, what to his three eyes should appear,
   But a miniature sleigh, and nine tiny reindeer.
          
   With a well hung driver, so long, and so thick,
   He knew in an instant it must be St. Dick.

   Quicker than Kevin, this well hung man came,
   He shot off his load and called out some names!
          
   "Go, Chrissy! Go, Andy! Go Jackie and Bob!"
   "Oh, Missy! Oh, Candy! You can suck on my knob!

   Now, Chico and Rico and Paul don't despair,
   When we get back home, I'll take care of you there!"
          
   As they bound towards Kev's home, while up in the sky,
   He gave them a stroke and a shot from one eye.

   So up to the housetop the reindeer they flew,
   With a sleigh full of sex toys and St. Dick, too!
          
   And then in a second, he heard on the roof
   The reindeer conversing and a low gentle "poof".

   His eyes how they twinkled! His palms were all hairy!
   His cock looked like sausage and was red as a cherry!
          
   His cute little mouth, it seemed just to glow,
   His rock hard erection, as tight as a bow.
          
   He pulled out his stump and lubed Kevin up,
   He rammed it on in, Kevin squealed like a pup!
          
   He gave him one stroke, two strokes, three strokes, four.
   Kevin screamed to St. Dick, "Please give me some more!!!"
          
   Kev was twitching and twisting and all full of joy,
   St. Dick said, "You've done this before, I can see that now, boy!"
          
   St. Dick pulled out and came on Kev's back,
   He wiped off his dick, and grabbed for his pack.
          
   He said "Kev, I like how you quiver and quirk,
   But off I must go, as I still have to work."
          
   And laying a finger aside of his nose,
   And grabbing his rod, up the chimney he rose.
          
   He sprang to his sleigh with a clink and a clang,
   "Let's go now, I've got more butts to bang!"

   But Kev heard him proclaim as he drove out of sight,
   "I'll be back next week, and
   I'll fuck you all night!"
 


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Gay4

From: .oO rach Oo. (reachin@anewrefutationoftimeandspace.com)
Subject: A Visit from St Dick (by Dora,rach & friends) 
Newsgroups: alt.pro-wrestling.wwf
Date: 2002-12-21 13:58:31 PST 

	A Visit from St Dick

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through usenet
Prince's little panties were all sticky and wet;
Silk stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a cocksucker soon would be there;

The drag queens were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of real vaginas danced in their heads;
mistress bitch in her 'pleather, and Prince in his cap,
He had just settled and the crapper for a long winter's shat.

When out on the Chinese passion swing there was such a splatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what the fuck was the matter.
Away to the rumpus room I flew like a flash,
Pulled up Prince's dick and saw one nasty rash.

The moon on the breast on the breast implants of Swass  (blow)
Gave the luster of mid-day to the fuck machine below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight midget slaves with cheap beer.

With a little old driver, so white trash and slick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Dick.
More rapid than eagles wings with a bible quote, his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called to Prince by name;

"Now, DASHER! now, EXOTIC DANCER! now, PRANCY and VIXEN!
On, CUMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZED!
From the tip of the cock! to the shaft and the ball
Now Swallow it, Swallow it! Swallow it all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount Swass til he's dry,
So up to the bar- the coursers they blew,
With the mouthful of spunk and Pickles too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of Prince. that big poof.
As he drew in Santa's cock head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the Easter Bunny came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his whiskers were all tarnished with cum and soot;
A bundle of sex toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like Heffner just opening his pack.

Princes eyes -- how they twinkled! The dimples on his ass.. So hairy
His cheeks were like roses, his SO MISSED his cherry!
Prince's little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was all covered with spunk from his last blow

The stump of his dick, he held tight in his teeth,
And the midgets it encircled its head like a wreath;
Prince has a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of ky jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, oh fuck how I laughed.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know he was just all spent.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the reindeer and midges - circle jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his dildo, to his vibrator and rave whistle,
And away flew his shit stains like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A HELLA GOOD-NIGHT."

--
rach


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Genealogist

Subject:      A GENEALOGIST'S CHRISTMAS EVE
From:         "Molan, Gary" 
Date:         1997/12/03
Message-ID:   <452EB793D51CD111B19208002BB1273B0984FA@avint4.avionics.itt.com>
Newsgroups:   soc.genealogy.german


A GENEALOGIST'S CHRISTMAS EVE
 (Author Unknown)
(with apologies to Clement C. Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The dining room table with clutter was spread
With pedigree charts and with letter which said...
"Too bad about the data for which you wrote...
Sand in a storm on an ill-fated boat."
Stack of old copies of wills and the such,
Were proof that my work had become much to much.

Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While vision of sugar plums danced in their heads.
And I, at my table, was ready to drop
From work on my album with photos to crop.

Christmas Eve was here, and of such was my lot,
That presents and goodies and toys I'd forgot.
Had I not been so busy, with grandparents' wills,
I'd not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.

While others had bought gifts that would bring Christmas cheer,
I'd spent time researching those birth dates and years.

While I was thus musing about my sad plight,
A strange noise on the lawn gave me such a great fright.
Away to the window I flew in a flash,
Tore open the drapes and yanked up on the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an overstuffed sleigh and eight little reindeer.
With a sleigh full of toys and ole Santa Claus too.
And then in twinkle, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of thirty-two hoofs.
The TV Antenna was no match for their horns,
And look at our roof, with hoof-prints adorned.

As I drew in my head and bumped it on the sash,
Down the cold chimney fell Santa---CR-RASH!
Dear Santa had come from the roof in a wreck,
And tracked soot on the carpet (I could wring his short neck!)
Spotting my face, good old Santa could see,
I had no Christmas spirit, you'd have to agree.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings.  (I felt like a jerk.)
Here was Santa, who'd brought us such gladness and joy,
When I'd been too busy for even one toy.

He spied my research on the table all spread,
"A genealogist!" he cried.  (My face was all red.)
Tonight I've met many like you, Santa grinned.
As he pulled from his sack a large book he had penned.
I gazed with amazement--the cover it read,
"Genealogy Lines for which you have plead."
"I know what it's like as a genealogy bug."
He said as he gave me a great Santa hug.

While the elves make the sleighful of toys I now carry,
I do some research in the North Pole Library.
A special treat, I am thus able to bring,
To the genealogy folks who can't find a thing."
Now off you go to your bed for a rest.
I'll clean up the house from this genealoagy mess.

As I climed up the stairs feeling gladness and glee,
I looked back at Santa, who'd brought much to me.
While settling in bed I heard Santa's clear whistle,
To his team which then rose like the down of a thistle.
And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Family History is Fun!,
Merry Christmas!
Goodnight!"
 

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GeneralHospital1

from http://pages.prodigy.com/RFQN34A/ghpoems.htm

   'Twas the Night Before Christmas - GH Version ( Dec 1997 )

   'Twas the night before Christmas, I had quite a dream.
   I lived in Port Charles, and witnessed these scenes...
   Count Vlad kept a vigil, and heaved heavy sighs,
   In hopes that Prince Nikolas would open his eyes.

   Brenda was sedated and strapped to her bed,
   while visions of gunfire danced in her head.
   Inside the Q mansion, Emily was high.
   She climbed to the rooftop, convinced she could fly.

   Over at Ruby's, they were serving us stew.
   I began to feel sick, and wondered what to do.
   Away to the docks I flew like a flash,
   leaned over the railing and threw up that hash!

   The moon shone down on Windemere's gates.
   In the window was Leslie, rocking like old Mrs. Bates.
   When what to my wondering ears I could hear,
   Carly shouting from the penthouse that labor was near!

   Tony and A.J. came running, both staking their claims,
   on the baby she swore was Jason QuarterBrain's.
   More rapid than her lies, the contractions they came.
   She panted, and shouted, calling them names...

   "You middle-aged geezer, you loser, you drunk!
   You can't have my child, he's a spawn of that hunk!"
   Just then the door opened and Jason walked in,
   wearing his usual black T-shirt and vacant grin.

   He said, "I slept with her too, I did, so what!!??
   I can't tell a lie, that chick's a slut!!".
   Not wanting to take part in this scene,
   it was time to take control of my dream.

   So, wandering Port Charles in search of a pub,
   I heard music and dancing from inside 'Luke's Club'.
   I poked in my head and was looking around.
   Some blues band was jammin'; Luke was gettin' down!!

   He was dressed all in black, sunglasses to boot.
   I decided to stay, 'cause it looked like a hoot!
   As he passed his supply of cigars all around,
   He laughed and said, "I was once mayor of this town!".

   His eyes, how they twinkled. His behavior, how rude!
   It's no wonder Lucky has such a 'tude.
   His droll little mouth hurled insults galore,
   At Edward, and Justus...even Katy-bore!

   In spite of how much he ranted and hissed,
   We all knew deep down it was Laura he missed.
   In the midst of the party, I heard him exclaim,
   "Every damn thing around here just won't be the same!".

   Cassadine bashing was his favorite game,
   referring to Stefan by some other name.
   A wink of his eye, whence he then said,
   that Katherine's future was clouded with dread.

   Kat insisted Stef loves her, Luke's insults won't work.
   Luke just smiled and asked, "So where IS the jerk?".
   And putting her finger inside of her nose,
   she blamed Luke for putting a run in her hose.

   Suddenly, gunshots and bullets came hazing.
   We stooped to the floor, as if we were grazing.
   The henchmen hollered as they sped out of sight,
   GUZA'S BACK, GH no longer bites!!

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GeneralHospital2

from http://pages.prodigy.com/RFQN34A/ghpoems.htm

   "Twas the Night Before Christmas - GH Version, 1998"

   'Twas the night before Christmas, I went up to bed,
   Then all that spiked eggnog really messed up my head.
   From my booze induced coma, as I can recall,
   I was a GH character at the Bacchanalia Ball !

   My dress was pink taffeta, one borrowed from 'V',
   My hair looked like Brenda's, QUICK someone shoot me!!
   The guests all dressed funny....Stef wore a sash!!
   Now I know I looked stupid, but he looked like an ass!

   Then up on the parapet there arose such a clatter.
   I looked up in time to see the Kat splatter!
   And shortly thereafter Prince Nikolas said,
   "Koo Koo Ka Choo, Mrs. Robinson's dead!"

   The moon on the breast of the new fallen Ho,
   Made me queazy and so I decided to go.
   A small power boat tied up on the shore,
   provided means to leave that Bacchanalia bore!

   A little old driver gunned that boat towards the docks,
   we arrived rather quickly as the boat hit the rocks.
   My body flew out and hit the docks with a smack.
   I looked up at the sign that said, "The Outback".

   There was Robin, and Taggart, and Alan, and Mac,
   And Nedly, and Reggie, and Lila, and Jax.
   Nedly was singing in black leather pants,
   While Reggie and Lila did a modern swing dance!

   'V' called the bouncers, they threw Ned on his butt.
   The L & B act is now that 'Madonna' slut.
   So up to the bar, to get me some wine.
   I decided to stay, cuz the bartender looked fine!

   When what to my wondering eyes did I see?
   Sonny Corinthos sitting by me!!
   He was drunk as a skunk, and throwing some chairs.
   He tried to punch Jax, but he fell on the stairs.

   Jax broke out laughing, and bought him a beer.
   "Let's pahty now mate, cuz Brender's not here!".
   The two became friends, they started to bond.
   Both agreed Brenda would've made a good blond.

   Throughout the whole club I kept hearing this noise.
   An unrelenting buzz of a young woman's voice.
   She was short and petite, with a beautiful smile.
   Her hairdo was that new 'lawnmower' style.

   She spoke many words, her tone condescending.
   The sermons she gave seemed to be never-ending.
   And putting her finger inside of her nose,
   she lamented that living with Carly just blows!

   From the open front door, to the back of the bar,
   Nobody noticed the approaching car.
   The headlights came closer, as Robin droned on...
   The screech of the tires was as loud as my yawn.

   Suddenly windows broke, and the gunshots rang out!
   The preaching has come to an end, no doubt.
   The bullets cleaned out the lower half of her face.
   Her lips and her teeth were all over the place!

   As the car sped away, we heard Moreno shout,
   "Robin's not the only one who can shoot off her mouth!!".


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GeneralHospital3

From: Roger (aaron_roger@hotmail.com)
Subject: The night before Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.general-hospital
Date: 2002-12-21 12:04:39 PST 

Twas the night before Christams and all through P.C.
Not a creature was stirring,not even Heatherly!
The coffee warehose was locked to the hilt with care
In hopes that by morning it would still be there

Little Michael was nestled all snug in his bed
With a vision of Sonny being arrested again
And Carly on her way to bail him out
With a new found lawyer from Puerto Rico no doubt!

And out at the Q's there arose such a clatter
It knocked out the power.How?It don't matter
Away to the window Jax flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters with Brenda and cash

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Mac and his charges getting into high gear


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Geocities

from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/4013/Poetry/branding.html

                      Twas The Night Before "Branding"
                                      
        Twas the night before "branding", and all through the house
                No keyboard was stirring, not even a mouse.
                 The e-mails were sent to each CL with care
                But they were all giggling, "g" had no hair!
                                      
           The 'steaders were nestled, all snug in their 'steads
             While visions of GeoCities danced in their heads.
               While execs settled in for the end of the week
                  The CL's converged to have a sneak peek.
                                      
             He's cute and he's squat, a right jolly small elf
          They laughed when they saw him, in spite of themselves.
                "On Monday, it's coming, this is not a test!
          We've come to the party, now let's dance with the best!"
                                      
              When out on Real Audio there arose such a sound
                 An ad just for us! on our cities expounds.
               The light on the breath of dust on the screen
             Gave each room a dim glow that was nicely serene.
                                      
               When what to our wondrous eyes should appear?
               Why, a lowercase 'g' with one eye and no ears!
               With a right-lively jiggle and a saucy refrain
               He listed the Avenues and called them by name!
                                      
              "Now Athens, and Paris, and Wellesley, and SoHo,
              On Yosemite, on Pipeline, on Vienna and Tokyo!"
            From the top of the screen to the bottom they scroll
             And (-)dash away, (.)dot away, (/)slash away all!
                                      
                  Endless and lengthy the Avenue's refrain
                 And *g* is so proud! No two are the same!
              From Poetry and Prose and Sports in high dudgeon
              To Computers and Cars and Politics to bludgeon!
                                      
             He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
                  Luring new 'steaders to GeoCities perks.
              We watched in amazement as his eyeball did lift
                   Our beautiful *g* was an animated gif!
                                      
              He sprang and he sprung, the CL's gave a whistle
       And went to their dictionaries to look up the word "thistle".
         Then they heard him exclaim as their connection went dead
             "Happy Branding to all, and to all a good 'stead!"
                                      
                          1998 Rhiannon MacGregor
                         rhiannon@geocities dot com


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: German

Date: 17-DEC-1996 23:27:17.24
Subj:	Dot Leetle Fur Cap

            DOT LEETLE FUR CAP

        Der next night vas Christmas
           Der night vas shtill,  
        Der stockings ver hung
           By der chimney to fill.

        Nodding vas shteurrig
           At all in der house,
        For fear dat St Nicholas
           Vas nix kom heraus.

        Der shildren ver tired
           Und gone to der bed;
        Und Mudder in night gown
           Und I on ahead.

        Vas searching around
           In der trunk for der toys,
        Ve krept around kviet
           To not make a noise

        Now Mudder vas carring
           Der toys in her gown,
        Showink her person
           From her waist on down.

        Ven as ve kun near
           Der crib of our poy,
        Our jungest und sveetest,
           Our pride und our choy.

        His eyes open vide
           As he peeked from his cot,
        Und he seen evertink
           Dot his Mudder has got.

        But he didn't take notice
           Der toys in her lap;
        He chust asked, "For Who
           is that leetle fur cap?"

        Und Mudder said "Hush"
           Und she laughted mit delight,
        "I tink I give dot
           To your Poppa Tonight."


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GIJoe

Subject:      This ones for all of you!
From:         "Ned Harkey" 
Date:         1997/12/23
Message-ID:   <67pj58$m7a@nntp.netside.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.toys.gi-joe


A Christmas visit from G.I.Joe
 by Ned Harkey

'Twas the night before D-Day, when all through the tent
Not a G.I.Joe was stirring, not even a Grunt;

The rifles were stacked by the doorway with care,
In hopes that the Commies soon would be there;

The Joes were nestled all snug in their bunks,
While visions of Stormtroopers danced in their heads;

And Ike in his barricks, and I in my mummy bag,
Had just settled down for a four hour nap,
When out on the battlefield there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bunk bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the doorway I flew like a flash,
Tore open the misquito netting and threw up the flaps.

The moon on the smoke of the new-fallen shrapnel
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the trenches out there,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an official Adventure Team Vehicle, with eight 3-3/4 Joes in there,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be George Patton.

More rapid than eagles his soldiers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Now, Destro! now, Ace! Now, Blanka and M.Bison!
On, Guile! On Ryu! On, Sniper and French Foreign Legion!
To the front line! to the top of the hill!
Now retreat away! retreat away! retreat away all!

He was dressed all in camoflage, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of guns he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a Talking Commander commanding his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His hard hands were scary!
His cheekbones were like carved stone, his scar like a berry!
His droll little mouth was a stern looking scowl,
And the beard on his chin had no rubs at all;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And killed all the Commies; then turned with a jerk,
Laying his KF grip on the side of his gun,
And giving a nod, he assumed a new pose;

Then he sprang to his Jeep, to his A-Team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew with the whoosh of a missle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good Joe night!"

************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: GolfJackNicklaus

From "The Annotated Night Before Christmas", edited by Martin Gardner
1991, Summit Books (Simon and Schuster)
ISBN 0-671-70839-2
Out of print

A Visit from Jack Nicklaus
by Hugh A. Mulligan
First appeared in his newspaper column "Mulligan's Stew," December 1982.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the bar
Every golfer was stirring and guzzling a jar.
The lockers were loaded with lots of good cheer
In hopes that Jack Nicklaus soon would be here.

Our members had asked him to play for some charity,
And visions of birdies increased their hilarity.
The pro in his plus fours, and I inn my cups,
Just ordered two more, and exclaimed "Bottom ups!"

When out on the ninth green arose such a racket,
I ran to the porch, but couldn't quite hack it.
A pair of old golf shoes that I didn't see
Sent me head over double knits near the first tee.

The galaxy of stars set loose in my brain
Gave a pale ghostly glow to familiar terrain.
And what should my bleary eyes see with a start
But eight dwarfish caddies and a golden golf cart.

At the wheel that blond chauffeur with a great bearish paws,
I knew by his cardigan must be Nicklaus.
Much rare than eagles, his helpers they came,
When Jack pulled a scorecard and called them by name.

Now Watson, now Weiskopf, now Palmer, Trevino!
On Stadler, on Crenshaw, on Snead and de Vicenzo (1)
As a nine iron, (2) hit crisply, will loft toward the pin,
Just miss the deep bunker and sometimes drop in,

So up to the clubhouse those caddies they flew
With that car full of goodies and Nicklaus, too.
With the same fluid grace that turns effort to art,
The Golden Bear stepped from that elfin golf cart.

As our members and guests all gathered around,
Down the chimney Jack Nicklaus came with a bound.
He wore slacks of pastel, cerise or vermilion,
White shoes, yellow sweater  he looked like a million!

A shy, modest smile spread over his face,
His, "Aw, shucks, fellows!" grin, after scoring an ace.
The shoulders seemed broader than when on TV.
Why the name Golden Bear for this giant grizzly?

He was chubby, not plump, or what you'd call fat,
And the shock of blond hair bore a green Master's cap.
With a wink of his eye, Jack dug deep in his sack,
And handed out presents to bring our games back.

Like a huge sand remover and water hole freezer,
Making par golf so certain for any old geezer,
He spoke not a word, but unbagged in a trice
A marvelous ointment to cure hook or slice.

Next a magical mashie with radar to the pin,
And a magnetized niblick (3) to help you chip in.
All this, and a putter that just couldn't miss,
And unloseable golf balls  what more could you wish?

Jack sprang to his cart, gave his caddies a holler,
And away they all flew like a taxpayer's dollar.
Those gifts vanished too, as moving to high gear,
He rattled my dreams with a loud parting Bronx cheer.

Now, Virginia, you see, I'm quite shattered because
Though I'm not sure of Santa, I know there's a Nicklaus!


Notes by Martin Gardner:
(1) These are names of famous golfers:  Tom Watson, Tom Weiskopf, Arnold Palmer, Lee Trevino, Craig Stadler, Ben Crenshaw, Sam Snead, and Roberto de Vicenzo.

(2) The nine iron is a short-distance golf club for shots within a range of 110 yards.  The club's face has a 47 degree angle to the perpendicular shaft that enables it to loft a ball on a higher trajectory.  "A silver want curiously warped at one end," was how John Updike once described it.

(3) Niblick: a club used for jerking the ball out of sand or rough ground.


************************************************************
************************************************************


Short Title: Goofy

From: Alan Benson
Sent: December 14, 2006

The Goofy Night Before Christmas
by Alan Benson
http://www.alanbenson.de/

'Twas the night before Christmas, 
when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, 
except for the cat who was making soup out of a mouse;

The stockings were hanged by the chimney with care,
Capital punishment still exists there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of too much spiked eggnog still swirled in their heads;

And mamma in her nightgown, and I wearing nothing but a cap,
Had just settled down for more than a nap,
When out on the lawn there arose so much noise,
I thought the kids were already getting into their toys.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Stumbled, tore down the curtain, and threw up on the sash.
The moon on the breasts of the snowwoman outside
Made my half-shut eyes go open wide,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a humongous sleigh, and eight poor tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, who looked kind of sick,
Green in the face; he never liked flying, poor ol' St. Nick.

Mouths fouler than cursers these reindeer they swore,
For pulling this overloaded sleigh and the stupid names they wore;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
March forward storm troopers; mein Donder und Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now scratch away! scratch away! Leave skid marks on all!"
As refugees that before the Katrina hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, 'gainst the government they cry,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
Landing on a pointed roof top; I know not how they that do.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the roof
They had their toilet break and each little poop.

Quickly drew in my head, and started running around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was pretty dirty from his head to his foot,
And our carpet got tarnished by his ashes and soot;

A Toys 'R' Us bag he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a bag-man just opening his pack.
His eyes - how bloodshot! his nose like a cherry!
His cheeks were like roses, his skin condition was scary!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin, too long did it grow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled our no-smoking sign like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a bigger round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a tank full of jelly.
He was funny and weird, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed at him, really enjoying myself;

But a wink of his eye and a shake of his head,
Soon gave me to know there was nothing I'd get;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the other stockings; that mean ol' jerk,

And sticking his finger inside of his nose,
And giving a sneeze, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team snapped the whip,
And away they all flew with a light-speeding zip.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he landed on the next roof,
"Happy Christmas to all, and don't be such a goof."


************************************************************
************************************************************

Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA

Last Modified January 7, 2007