Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 16 of 50
January 7, 2007

Compiled by: Matthew Monroe

Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

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Short Title: ElfBowling

from the Elf Bowling program by NVision design, Inc. 
  (http://www.nvisiondesign.com/)

An Internet Christmas Story

Twas the Night before Christmas,
and at the North Pole,
Santa's sleigh was packed tight,
the reindeer ready to go.

When out in the snow,
there arose such a clatter,
St. Nick sprang from the can,
to see what was the matter.

"The Elves are on strike!"
cried Mrs. Claus with disdain.
"What shall we do, Santa?
"C'mon rack your fat brain!"

Santa's face began to sparkle,
he shouted "Merry Christmas to all!"
He dashed to the coat closet,
And grabbed his 16 pound ball.

Santa began to laugh so hard,
his stomach was rolling,
"Come on old woman,
"it's time for elf bowling..."

  Yes, Virginia...
  There really is Elf Bowling


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Short Title: Elvis1

from http://www.humorspace.com/humor/holidays/celvis.htm

            Elvis Christmas Humor 

   Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack
   I could hear the distinct sounds of my Grandpappy's hack.
   
   We had just hung our stockings in a jubilant mood,
   In hopes that St. Elvis would bring us some food.
   
   Daddy was nestled all snug in his bed,
   Coal dust covering his pillow and head.
   
   No wood in the stove, the cold numbed my feet,
   To add insult to injury, Ol' Red was in heat.
   
   When, out on the lawn I heard the grinding of gears,
   I sprang from my bed almost frightened to tears
   
   When what to my wondering eyes should appear
   But a miniature sleigh pulled by a dark green John Deere
   
   With a little ol' driver shaking his pelvis,
   I instantly knew that it must be St. Elvis.
   
   He was dressed all in sequins from his head to his toes,
   And the top of his lip curled up to his nose.
   
   His hips how they twitched, his gut was gigantic --
   When he leaned on the porch rail, I went into a panic.
   
   Huffing and puffing, his face turning red
   Soon gave me to know he'd come back from the dead.
   
   He sang not a note but went straight to his work,
   Filled all the stockings, and turned with a jerk.
   
   Then, hitching his pants, lumbered back to the sleigh,
   Fired up the tractor, and was soon on his way.
   
   But he bid us adieu with his personal touch...
   "Merry Christmas to all and THANK-YA-VERA-MUCH!"
   
               admin@humorspace.com
                 1997 Humor Space

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Short Title: Elvis2

From: ALADDIN137 (aladdin137@aol.com)
Subject: A Christmas Dream to All of the Elvis Fans 
Newsgroups: alt.elvis.king
Date: 2002-12-25 03:12:21 PST 

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was smiling, especially the mouse
No fireplace burning, no tree and no snow
But it rained and it flooded the basement ya know.

We picked at our breakfast, had nothing for lunch
Made frowns on the gingerbread-men made to munch
The wind was a howling, reception was poor, I put on some Elvis,  as a crisp
winter chill poured under the doors

With few gifts to give, at least none we could buy
A beautiful card made everyone cry, signed Elvis with love
Still Could not believe why?
We rested our chins on the telephone cord, singing Jingle Bells, Jingle bells,
ho-hum we're bored!

I fell off to sleep and heard a faint voice
Asking where would you be if you had the choice?
I can bet you by golly, if the lotto I won
I'd be off to Hawaii and have loads of fun!
Elvis was laughing, from a big Cadalac
Said "Hurry up honey, I gotta get back"

I awoke in a clamor my head in a spin
3 Cats on my bosom, 2 licking my chin
We all smelled a turkey, from where I can't say
And my beautiful dream, it just faded away

Then suddenly, faintly, the sight of a star
I ran to the window but didn't get far
My cats they all tripped me, to see what I heard
Was it a reindeer or was it a bird?

The image of Elvis waved from the cold...
smiling so brightly with presents in tow
Our eyes met, our hearts touched, I was filled with such glee
Presents from Elvis, from Heaven, for me.

~Aladdin


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Short Title: England

Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Comedy Bytes! Joke Of The Day : Christmas Eve
Message-ID: 
From: gkillops@netcore.ca (Gary Killops)
Date: Sun, 24 Dec 1995 03:59:07 GMT
Sender: news@netcore.ca (Usenet News Administrator)
Organization: Netcore

    Comedy Bytes!  JOKE OF THE DAY for December 24, 1995 (Christmas Eve)
    Visit http://www.netcore.ca/~gkillops/
    Distributed by Gary Killops

      The Night Before Christmas

  'Twas the night before Christmas,
      When all through the flat,
      Not a creature was sober,
          Not even the cat.
       The glasses were placed
       On the mantel with care,
      In hopes that our Nicholas
         Soon would be there;
       The children were dining
        At Tony's and Fred's,
       Where speakeasy vintages
     Danced through their heads.

      And Mama with her whiskey,
          And I with my gin,
        Had just settled down
        For an evening of sin.
         When out in the lane
      There arose such a clatter
        I swallowed an olive--
       Now what was the matter?
         A gulp to the window
         I fell like a flash,
        Tore open the shutters
        And threw up the sash.

         A light on the crest
       Of the new-fallen sleet
       Gave a luster of mid-day
       To things on the street;
      When what to my wondering
          Eyes should appear
       But a truck loaded down
       With a mountain of beer,
       And a little old driver,
         So lively and quick,
          I knew in a moment
         It must be out Nick!

        More rapid than eagles
        His helpers they came,
     And he whistled and shouted
       And called them by name,
        "Now Lefty! Now Louie!
        Now, Alky and Witzen!
       On, Conky! On, Chowder!
        On, Harry and Blitzen!
      To the top of the house--
     Ring the bells in the hall!
      Now dash away, dash away,
           Dash away all!"

         As dry leaves before
       The wild hurricane fly,
   When they meet with an obstacle,
          Mount to the sky,
        So up to the top-floor
        The helpers they flew
    With a lift full of treasure--
          And Nicholas too.
      And then in the twinkling
         I heard on the flags
       The prancing and pawing
         Of bottles in bags.

         As I drew in my head
       And was turning around,
     In the doorway our Nicholas
          Came with a bound.
     He was dressed like a Mayor
      From his head to his feet,
     And his tie was all spangled
       With diamonds and sleet;
          A bag full of beer
      He had flung on his back,
     And he looked like a peddler
        Just opening his pack.

    His rings, how they twinkled!
       His sniffle, how merry!
      His hands were like roses,
        His eye like a cherry;
        A scar drew his mouth
       To one side like a bow,
       And the foam on his chin
      Was as white as the snow.
       The gold of the dentist
       Was bright in his teeth,
        And a derby encircled
       His head like a wreath.

       He laid down his burden
       To draw forth a sample,
       And snapped off the cap
     With a thumb that was ample.
     He was cheerful and prompt--
     An expensive young begger--
   And we laughed when we saw him--
      Our Christmas Bootlegger!
          A wink of his eye,
       And a twist of his head,
         Soon gave us to know
       We had nothing to dread.

         He spoke not a word,
    But went straight to his work,
     And filled all the glasses;
       Then turned with a jerk,
        And, laying his finger
          aside of his nose,
          And giving a nod:
   "Down the hatch! Here she goes!"
        He sprang to the door,
      To his men gave a whistle,
        And away they all went
     Like the down of a thistle;
       But I heard him exclaim
     'Ere he drove out of sight,
       "Happy Christmas to All,
      And to All a good night!"

[This is from 1932 by Robert McBlair,
according to http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html]


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Short Title: FamilyAndRelativesFighting

from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html

                         The Fight Before Christmas

                      'Twas the fight before Christmas
                         when all through the house
                           the tension was rising
                         'tween in-laws and spouse.
                                      
        Expecting the onslaught, she'd shopped, wrapped, and baked,
           Mom verged on exhaustion, her back cramped and ached.
             "This year will be perfect!" determined she vowed
            Then she lined up her brood, and she ordered aloud,
                                      
         "Now, listen up, kids! Clean your ears, so you'll hear it!
           You'll stop all your whining and get into the spirit!"
                                      
              Their kinfolk were traveling from locales afar,
                to watch little Jen as she held up the Star,
                  Jeremiah as drummer, and Jimmy as goat,
             and the rest of the rugrats playing Heavenly Host.
         The pastor who cast them, though 'twas said he was braver
            didn't trust Baby Paul to portray the sweet Savior.
                                      
                Now the eve of the holiday pageant had come.
            The mock angels fluttered, the wee drummer drummed,
        and drummed and he drummed until Mom thought she'd throttle
             that dear little drummer or go drown in a bottle.
                                      
               Their haloes cocksure, they were ready to go.
          Aunt Tessie glanced out, "Oooo, it's starting to snow!"
                So back to the closet for twenty-two boots,
       while Gramps sneaked to the sideboard for a couple of snoots.
                                      
          Dad paced with impatience, beating tracks on the floor.
         Julie rushed from the house, clipped one wing in the door.
                 Momma, on round-up, was prodding the herd.
            Julie wailed with dismay, "I WILL LOOK LIKE A NERD!"
                                      
              Loading four vans full, they skidded to church,
           side-swiping two carolers, came to rest with a lurch,
             and disgorged the uncles, the cousins and aunties,
            the angels and livestock, three Wisemen, and Granny.
                                      
             When all were assembled they commanded three pews.
         Freckled shepherds processed and proclaimed the Good News.
            Momma leaned on Dad's shoulder, her stamina tested;
                 on the other, the video camera was rested.
               Training its lens on his offspring with pride,
               disgruntled he found there was no tape inside.
                                      
             He cursed much too loud for his present location.
              His pious Aunt Phoebe prayed for his salvation.
          Granny sighed disappointment, "Tsk, tsk, what a shame."
          Momma glared at her husband, volleyed bullets of blame.
                                      
             Dad was soundly upbraided by a clan 'twas adjacent
            Poor pastor feared rightly that brouha' was nascent.
             The man behind bellowed, "Sit down in the front."
              Dad howled, "Go to blazes, you overgrown punk."
                                      
               How the threats escalated, I haven't a hunch.
              And no one remembers who threw the first punch.
                But the fray that ensued was a Mother of All
             right up to the altar, 'round the heavenly stall.
                                      
         Fur and feathers were flying, taunts rang through the air.
            There was gnashing of teeth and the pulling of hair.
                The peace of nativity wrenched by the roar,
              the manger upsot, dolly rolled 'cross the floor.
              The choir tried vainly to scream out the lines,
            of the old-fashioned favorite, 'The Tie That Binds.'
                                      
        Soon the kids took their cue from their fathers and mothers,
         And the air became littered with the straw and the fodder.
           Young oxen were kicking, little donkeys were braying,
          the shepherds' rods snapped and poor pastor was praying.
                                      
               Once innocent angels from heaven were falling,
               and even wee Drummer was biting and brawling.
             The candlesticks tottered, the altar was battered,
          the tree lying prone, pastor's vestments were tattered.
                                      
         Then sweet, one-winged Julie, fearing huge conflagration,
              was sparked by the blaze of Divine inspiration.
               She gathered up all of the cherubs, I'm told,
           and began tearing one wing from each little shoulder.
                                      
          When the dust finally settled, only one light remained,
                A lone Christmas candle whose heavenly flame
         bathed the children in gold, with arms 'round each other,
          turning angels with black eyes to sisters and brothers.
              Their timorous voices sang out, 'Silent Night,'
               overpowering the fracas and ending the fight.
                                      
               So this story of angels with singleton wings,
             who like the blest infant, humbled powerful kings,
            taught a lesson of love to the grown-ups that night:
              Only Bearing Each Other Up, Can We Take Flight.
                                      
          And the pastor blessed all, waved them home with relief,
          "Merry Christmas. Go Home. And May God Grant You Peace!"
                                      
                      by Mary C. Ginn, copyright 1992

                      Submitted by: elves@santaclaus.com
                      Contact Mary at cti@coral.net


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Short Title: Fantasy

   Author:   Paul Tatum
   Email: Nospam@concentric.net
   Date: 1998/12/19
   Forums: alt.music.darkest-of-the-hillside-thickets
   
I found this on the net a few years ago...

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Yuletide and all through the hole
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Dhole
Aldebaren hung at the right place at nine
In the hopes that Great Cthulhu would come out this time

The Fungi from Yuggoth, all snug in their caves
Were plotting to turn all the people to slaves
The Deep Ones in Rlyeh, the Ghouls in their graves
Were dancing and singing and acting depraved

When what do my wondering eyes should appear
But a mouldering sleigh and eight corpselike reindeer
With a horrible driver so leprous and reeking
I knew right away that my fear was unspeaking

The reindeer were gross, as they flew up from hell
And It hoarsely whispered and chanted a spell
Ia Shub Niggurath! Cthulhu ftagn!
Nyarlathotep! I summon you on!

As decomposed flesh before the charnel stench rise
And meet with the open air polluting the skies
Up to the housetop the horror it rose
And the gangrenous odors assailed my nose

And then in a slopping noise heard on the roof
The lumbering clomping of octopoid hoofs
As I drew in my head and was turning around
The horror lurched into my room with a bound

Its eyes how they pulsate
So bulbous and gory
This blasphemous creature
So noxious and hoary

I was frozen by fear, my feet woudn't run
I threw up my cookies, this wasn't much fun
It whispered my name and said "You come with I"
I tried to refuse and it said "Then you die."

It came at my throat with its grim claws extended
But a miracle saved its victim intended
I had three Elder Signs in a slot in the floor
It screamed with a fiendish sound and went out the door

It sprang to its sleigh, and its team gave a surge
And away they all flew to the sound of a dirge
I heard it exclaim as it flew out of sight
"You're lucky this time, for the stars weren't right."
 


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Short Title: Feminist

Subject:      Take Back the Night Before Christmas -- More Relevant Than Ever
From:         steiger@remove.this.to.reply.unixg.ubc.ca (James H. Steiger)
Date:         1997/12/24
Message-ID:   <34a0b58d.130925836@news.ucs.ubc.ca>
Newsgroups:   man.general,ns.general,bc.general,ab.general,soc.men

Take Back The Night Before Christmas
(apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas
In a Chebucto house
A lonely old gal
was getting thoroughly soused.

One stocking was hung,
by the green plastic tree,
And the mangy cat yawned
as it scratched at a flea.

Her children were snuggled,
all safe in their beds,
in a far away province,
while she shook her head.

The kind of a fate
that every mom fears
She hadn't a card or
a letter in years.

Then from her computer
arose such a chatter
she jumped up and stumbled
to silence the clatter.

Her email alert
had sounded again.
Ten messages "In"
from those filthy Bronze men.

Away to her keyboard
she flew like a flash
she started to read
teeth starting to gnash.

Thick dust on the crest
of the screen's dim orange glow
just barely allowed her
to see words below.

When what to her wondering
eyes did appear?
8 brutal flames!
and two dirty smears!

From their razor sharped
tongues, folks so smart and quick
She knew in an instant
the Bronze had her licked.

More rapid than eagles
their zingers they came
And she shouted and cursed
as she read off their names.

Now Christie! Now Jenkins!
Now Burford and Poole!
Now Dexter and Steiger
misogynist fools!

And colonized, miserable
turncoat Michelle?
For women like her
there's a special hell!

As dry leaves that before
the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle,
mount to the sky,

So down to the floor,
empty beer cans they flew
As she reached with her arm
For a Prozac or two.

Then in a twinkling
she thought of a plan
Another complaint
'bout that horrible man!

He came round her house
'bout this time every year
the kind of a man
any woman would fear.

Her fingers they trembled
as they started to pound
"I don't know his name
but he's fat, red and round"

"Wears wire frame glasses
has a funny red nose
Looks a bit like my ex
...better looking, God knows."

"Gawdhepus, we got to
arrest him before
he climbs down my chimney
or breaks down my door!"

"You see a fat man
and 8 tiny reindeer
you know as a woman
you've got much to fear!"

"A gal meets a rapist
'bout 4 times an hour
you'd best be prepared.
He'll try to deflower."

"So if you see a man
and he starts to say 'Ho,'
Spray him with pepper
and race through the snow."

"A world filled with men
is a terrible fright.
But with proper protection
We'll take back the night!"


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Short Title: Festivus

From: DFrank1068 (dfrank1068@aol.com)
Subject: 'Twas The Night Before Festivus 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.seinfeld
Date: 2001-12-23 08:25:09 PST 

'Twas the night before Festivus and all through Queens,
Not a Costanza was yelling...as strange as it seems.
The family was sleeping, just waiting for light.
Saving their strength for the upcoming fight.

At the crack of dawn on December twenty-three,
Frank put up the pole... instead of a tree.
Estelle prepared the meal that would start the rite,
Not a laugh or a smile was anywhere in sight.

George dreaded this hour that came every year,
The airing of grievances would soon be here.
Frank stood at the table and bellowed outloud,
"So who's got a complaint amongst this crowd?"

"You two are crazy and have wrecked my life!",
Cried George at his parents who mocked him for spite.
"A Lloyd Braun you'll never be " was Estelle's refrain,
"Why should I try,ma?... the guy's insane!" 

"Enough with the grievances," Frank said with some glee,
"Now which one of you two is wrestling me?"
"So feats of strength you want? Let them begin here,
"It's your turn to fight him, mom... he beat me last year."

The battle was started, the screaming was lyrical,
The fact no one got hurt was .... ANOTHER FESTIVUS MIRACLE!!!!


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Short Title: FinalXmas

from LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/)

       A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas

'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa!  I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."

"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."

"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."

"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."

"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."

"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."

"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask  why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
 if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".

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Short Title: Firefighter1

from http://kate.gulf.net/holidays/christmas/nightbefore.html
 
 The Night Before Christmas
 
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town, 
the fire siren echoed blaring its sound.
 
The firefighters came running from far and from near, 
and raced to the trucks quickly donning their gear.

And I in my bunkers my boots and my hat, 
jumped to the engine to see where the fire's at.

Down at the corner of Fifth and of Oak, 
the dispatcher informed us of a house filled with smoke.

Smoke poured from the sides, from up and from down, 
yet up on the roof there was none to be found.

So up to the rooftop we raised up a ladder, 
and climbed to the top to see what was the matter.

I came to the chimney and what did I see, 
but a fellow in red stuck past his knees.

Well we tugged and we pulled until he came out, 
then he winked with his eye and said with a shout.

"These darn newfangled chimneys they make them too small,
for a fellow as I, not skinny at all."

With a twitch of his nose he dashed to his sleigh,
and called to his reindeer, "AWAY now, AWAY."

As we rolled up our hoses he flew out of sight,
saying "God bless our firefighters" and to all a good night.

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Short Title: Firefighter2

Forum: alt.firefighters
Subject:  Twas the Night Before Christmas
Date: 12/11/1999
Author: Jamie Joyce 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through station 
All was quiet except for our snoring dalmation. 
Our boots had been placed by the bunksides with care 
In hopes that the shift change would finally be here.

The lights were turned down and the TV was off 
The rigs had been washed and the floors had been mopped. 
Firefighters and Medics lie nestled in bed 
While visions of homelife danced through their heads.

When out of the darkness, arose ringing and light 
The Klaxton brought tidings of something not right. 
The Firefighters and Medics were dressed in an instant 
Aboard their trucks and racing into the distance. 

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow 
Reflected the lights in a hellish, red glow. 
The sirens, they wailed while the Federal screamed 
Moving too slowly, as if in a dream.

The wreckage was there and came slowly in sight 
Lending fear, pain, and loss to our silent night. 
Each of us thought of our own Wife, Daughter or Son 
Each prayed in silence, "Let me save at least one." 

We leaped to the task without further a thought 
And for more than two hours we worked and we fought... 
To free the two drivers who hadn't been thinking 
their driving would suffer after a full night of drinking. 

The smoke of the flares, and the stench of the blood 
The screaming of metal as we rolled back the hood. 
The cry of one driver, the whine of the Jaws 
Putting fear aside, we never gave pause.

With one driver out, and the other pronounced dead 
We focused our efforts on keeping our heads. 
C-spine and backboard and IV in place 
We loaded him up and we started the race.

The monitor showed a heart rate to slow
BP revealed a systolic too low.
Level of consciousness rapidly dying
Despite all of this...the Medics kept trying.

Atropine, Dopamine, Epi and more...
to keep our reason for being from opening death's door. 
We fought and we prayed and tried all that was known 
While trying to believe fault wasn't our own.

The sun, she was rising as we reached the ER 
We'd given all that we know, and all that we are. 
The Doctors pronounced with barely more than a glance. 
And gone in a blink, was the patient's last chance.

The ride back to the station was quiet, and then.... 
Despite what we'd been through, the singing began. 
At first it was one and then all followed suit 
This effort together was merely the fruit...

Of a labor that however needlessly bared 
Was one of a million we knew we had shared. 
As we sang out the words of the song, "Silent Night" 
We acknowledged to ourselves that we put up a good fight.

The punch of the clock, the start of a car 
we all realized and loved who we are.
And on Christmas morning, as we all drive away... 
We know we'll all try in a couple of days...

To give someone back their one chance to live 
Now matter how hard or how much we must give. 
So please, when you pray on this new Christmas morn 
Add something for us, and for all that we've borne.

Jamie Joyce
Clay Twp. Fire Dept. #61

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Short Title: Firefighter3

from http://home.earthlink.net/~latinwolf7/xmas300.html 

Subject: FIREFIGHTER'S VERSION
From: "Nancy M. Carson" 
Date: 2000/12/04
Newsgroups: rec.humor

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(Firefighter's Version)

T'was the night before Chirstmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
When down through the chimney, all covered with soot
Came the Spirit of Fire, an ugly galoot.

His eyes glowed like embers, his features were stern
As he looked all around for something to burn.
What he saw made him grumble, his anger grew higher
For there wasn't a thing that would start a good fire.

No door had been blocked by the big Christmas tree
It stood in the corner, leaving passageways free.
The lights that glow brightly for Betty and Tim
Had been hung with precaution so none touched a limb.

All the wiring was new, not a break could be seen
And wet sand at its base kept the tree nice and green.
The tree had been trimmed by a mother insistent
That the ornaments used should be fire resistant.

The mother had known the things to avoid
Like cotton and paper and plain celluloid.
Rock wool, metal icicles and trinkets of glass
Gave life to the tree - it really had class.

And would you believe it, right next to the tree
Was a suitable box for holding debris -
A place to hold wrappings of paper and string
From all the gifts that Santa might bring.

The ugly galoot was so mad he could bust
As he climbed up the chimney in utter disgust.
For the folks in this home had paid close attention
To all of the rules of good fire prevention.

............
Nancy



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Short Title: Fishing(BassFishing)

From: Guy A (ganderso@lctn.com)
Subject: Twas the Night Before Xmas 
Newsgroups: rec.outdoors.fishing.bass
Date: 2002-12-24 18:29:07 PST 

I ran across the following in my archives, posted originally by Craig,
when he was still "GL3Loomis"--enjoy--and Happy Holidays to all in
ROFB!

Guy Anderson  Sr.
Ripley, TN


...from Craig Baugher, 12/22/2000...

"Twas the night before Christmas, and all across the lake
Not a creature was stirring, expect for me, who was wide awake;
The livewell was humming and prepared with care,
In hopes that Hawg Bass soon would be there;

The bass were nestled all along a deep rock bed,
While hundreds of shad danced above their heads;
With my lure in the water, and a tug of my cap,
I settled back waiting for that winter bass's tap,

When all of a sudden I felt such a tug,
I sprang from the console kicking over my coffee mug.
Away to the my front deck I flew like a flash,
Kicked on the troll motor and set the hook with a bash.

The moon on the breast of the water and snow;
Gave the luster of mid-day to the objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a 20 pound hawg spitting out eight tiny red-ear.

With a jump here and there, so lively and quick,
I just hoped my line didn't have a nick.
More rapid than dolphins her jumps came,
And I whistled, and shouted, and called her by name;

"Oh, HAWG! Oh, SOW! Oh, BABY and BIGG'N!
Come On GIRL! Come On BABE! Come on and give me a KISS'N!
To the top of the water! to the top of the sea wall!
Come In! Come In! Baby don't Get OFF!"

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, she mounts to the sky,
She courses to the top and out of the water she flies,
Flipping and Flapping, as she drives high into the sky.

And then, in a twinkling, she landed on my deck,
As I was prancing and pawing as I searched for my net.
I threw open the livewell, and as I turned around,
Down the livewell she went with a bound.

When I turned there was a man dressed all in fur from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook like mine, when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but I knew what this meant,
I just received a gift, from Old St. Nick.
Then he turned with a jerk, and laying his finger aside his nose,
giving a nod, up into the sky he rose;

He sailed to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

Guy A
Ripley, TN


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Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA

Last Modified December 15, 2010